The Eternity Dodecatrilogy
by GigaBob
Summary: The end of all things is nigh. Life, death, everything and nothing, all meaningless within its eternal grasp.
1. Giant Robot Fight

The Hero, a young lad clad in red armor, slept peacefully in his bed. He was a heavy sleeper, but the earth shaking beneath him jolted him awake. His father ran downstairs.

"The Hero! You must get up!" Dad shouted. The shaking continued, but it was rhythmic, almost like the steps of a giant...

"Huh? Oh, hey Dad." The Hero said.

"Yes, I certainly am your father, who was transformed into a tiger in a horrific experiment."

"Uh... I already knew that." The Hero briefly wondered why Dad explained that, but he didn't have time to worry about that.

"An army of giant robots is attacking!" Dad said.

"Huh?" The Hero said, dumbfounded. Was this still part of his dream?

"Do not worry! I have built a giant robot so we can combat the evil robots!" Dad said.

"What? How did you build a robot without opposable thumbs?"

"There's no time to worry about that! Let us go!" Dad ran back upstairs. The Hero quickly threw on his armor and ran upstairs, loudly clanking all the way. On the main floor, Dad stood beside an ornamental suit of full plate; he was futilely trying to reach something within it, but his lack of opposable thumbs limited him in that department.

"There is a switch on the armor! Press it immediately!" Dad said urgently.

"So you can build a giant robot, but you can't press a switch?" The Hero wondered.

"There's no time to question that! Just do it!" Dad growled. The Hero reached into the armor, and felt a switch; he pressed it, and a wall in the back of the house slid away, revealing a long staircase. The Hero and Dad ran down it, but it seemed like it took an eternity; what was this, Skies of Arcadia? The footsteps of the approaching army of giant robots kept them on edge.

But finally, they hit the bottom of the well. The Hero looked up, and saw a gigantic red demon-like robot with faces all over its body - on its chest, shoulders, knees, feet, hands and, of course, its head. The Hero recognized this mecha: it was a scaled-down version of the Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.

"What do you think?" Dad asked, approximating a smile.

"I still don't understand how you built this thing." The Hero said. This was seriously bothering him.

"I built it before I was transformed, okay? Does that answer your question?" Dad said furiously.

"Okay, okay." The Hero said. Dad was relatively calm, but he didn't particularly want to be mauled. "So we're supposed to get into this?"

"Yes! Let us make haste!" A panel on TTGL's foot opened, and both of them climbed in; The Hero got in the cockpit in the chest, while Dad formed the head.

Outside, a gigantic Dalek fell on their house, crushing it. But the earth beneath it split, and TTGL rose from the earth.

"EXTERMINATE!" the Dalek said.

"Never!" Dad shouted back, blasting the Dalek with a Thundara spell. The Hero considered making a joke about being bred for their magic, but his dad's magic was no laughing matter; after all, this Dalek was at least four or five times the size of their house, but Dad still heavily damaged it with a single lightning spell. The Hero wound up, and a drill spontaneously appeared on his arm; he slashed the Dalek, scrapping it.

"Damn, this giant robot is awesome!" The Hero said. He was genuinely impressed - they didn't even take a hit from that battle.

"There's more on the way!" Dad warned. Sure enough, three more Daleks appeared; they dealt with the three of them, though their Exterminate beams did a bit of damage to TTGL.

"We did it!" The Hero said. A victory fanfare played in his head.

"Not so fast!" The fanfare was replaced with ominous strings, as a giant portal appeared; a massive silver humanoid stepped out of it, then flashed multiple colors.

"I recognize that voice!" Dad said angrily. "It's... Disco Megatron!"

"Correct!" Disco Megatron said, grinning smugly. "I am surprised you survived our experiments."

"What the hell is THAT?" The Hero asked. Disco Megatron? What, was he the Robot Lord of Dance or something?

"Him and his Decepticons are the one who turned me into a tiger." Dad explained.

"Why... why would you do that?" The Hero shouted. Yeah, it was a sin against nature to turn a man into a tiger, but... why? What possible motivation could they have to do that?

"What reason do I need to play in the domain of God? I AM God!" Disco Megatron said. "Now, have at you!" Two more Daleks appeared, and the surrounding area inexplicably turned into a giant dance floor, complete with blaring disco music.

Dad quickly took out the Daleks with Thundara spells, while The Hero attacked Disco Megatron. But the Lord of Dance's moves allowed him to stylishly dodge The Hero's attacks; The Hero tried shooting drills, but Disco Megatron dodged those and threw out a Water spell, doing the first real damage to TTGL.

But Dad had a trump card! He had just remembered a Holy spell. He cast it on Disco Megatron, dealing massive damage to the robot; The Hero followed it up with a series of powerful melee attacks, damaging it further.

"No! I will not lose to you!" Disco Megatron's body flashed intensely, healing a little bit of damage. Dad cast another Holy spell, and The Hero attacked at the same time; the combined assault damaged Disco Megatron's power core.

"Curses! Decepticons, retreat!" Disco Megatron fled through another portal.

"Okay, so... now what?" The Hero asked.

"We must head to the castle and protect the Queen!" Dad said proudly.

"Yeah, let's do that." TTGL's self-regeneration kicked in, restoring it to 100% capability and restoring Dad's lost magic power. They pressed onward, from the grassy plains of their home to a vast desert.

A worn path guided the two heroes through the desert. But at one point, TTGL could not move onward; an invisible wall blocked them. The Hero tried finding a way around it, but the barrier was of infinite horizontal and vertical height. The Hero looked down, and saw the offending barrier: a simple wooden fence.

"Fools! You must defeat me to proceed!" An armored demon of regular size shouted at them.

"Why can't we just smash the fence and keep going?" The Hero wondered. In fact, he tried just that, but both the fence and the demon were invulnerable.

"Because even your mighty robot cannot avoid the Insurmountable Waist High Fence! Muahahahaha!" the demon laughed.

"Then we shall challenge you!" Dad said. Apparently, he knew that defeating the demon would destroy the fence. The Hero didn't know why it was set up that way, but he had stopped questioning this army's logic.

"Magic wand! Make me grow!" The demon flashed black, growing to TTGL's scale; it revealed itself as the Megazord!

The two robots fought for a while. It was somewhat resistant to magic, so Dad focused on healing TTGL, while The Hero fought it with drills. But the Megazord summoned its sword and slashed TTGL's chest, almost killing The Hero in the process; only his armor protected him from the sword's blow. Dad cast a Curaga spell, repairing the damage to both The Hero and TTGL.

The Hero stored its power for a brief moment, enduring the Megazord's blows for a moment, then unleashed multiple drills that did massive damage to the Megazord's chest, exposing its power core.

The Hero expected the Megazord to retreat, but instead...

"WE NEED DRAGONZORD POWER, NOW!" Another portal opened, and the Dragonzord stepped out. It assaulted TTGL with powerful fire breath, almost cooking the two heroes from the inside; more applications of Curaga healed the damage, but Dad was running low on magic power. The Hero needed to end this, now.

A well-placed Blizzara spell choked the Dragonzord for a moment; The Hero took this chance to shove a huge drill down the Dragonzord's throat, damaging it to the point of exploding.

"Arrgh... you win, then." The Dragonzord's explosion took out the damaged Megazord, and the fence exploded as well. They took a moment to heal, and then they moved onward.

...only to reach another waist-high fence.

"We'll just have to smash through this fence too." The Hero said, looking for its guardian.

"How odd... I don't see any sort of guardian..." Dad noted. But of course, a giant metallic tank with stubby legs leapt from the sand.

"GUARDIAN SYSTEM ACTIVATED. ENGAGING TARGET..." The TTGL detected the Guardian's lock-on. "CURRENT STATUS: DEFENSE MODE."

"We can't hurt it until it switches to Attack Mode, it seems." Dad said. Apparently, he had encountered this Guardian before.

"How do we do that?" The Hero asked.

"It will switch in time. Until then, we can relax a bit." They stood their ground and stored their power. After a minute...

"THREAT DETECTED. SWITCHING TO ATTACK MODE..." The Guardian's blue tint turned red, and it fired its main cannon. The blast hit The Hero square in the chest, stunning him for a moment; Dad unleashed his recently-remembered Firaga and Blizzaga spells on the Guardian, slowly but steadily damaging it. The Hero recovered from his stun and fired more drills at the Guardian, causing it to switch back to Defense Mode.

"DEFENSE MODE ACTIVATED. DEFENSE MODE ACTIVATED. DEFENSE MODE ACTIVATED. DEFENSE MODE ACTIVATED." The Guardian continued repeating those words.

"What? Why is it annoying us with that?" The Hero asked.

"A glitch in the system. The Guardian series are notoriously buggy." Dad said. But finally, it switched back to Attack Mode, and the heroes attacked it; it took major damage.

"ENERGY AT CRITICAL LEVEL. SWITCHING TO SAFE MODE..." The Guardian's tint turned green, and it started repairing itself. One last burst of magic and drills finished it off, and it exploded, taking the fence out with it.

They continued following the path, but it wasn't long before they came across another fence.

"Wow, another fence. Let's get this over with." The Hero said. They waited around for the sentry to appear, and appear it did... by falling on top of TTGL. They barely had enough time to get out of the way, as a silver and black robot with a red shuttlecraft in its head got up.

"Stop right there!" the pilot of the robot said.

"Kouji? Kouji Kabuto?" Dad wondered.

"That's right! I've come here to challenge you!" Mazinger Z, the giant robot piloted by skilled pilot Kouji Kabuto, struck a pose.

"Yeah, like we haven't fought enough already." The Hero snarked.

"I don't have anything against you, but my boss says you're dangerous! So I'm gonna have to wreck ya!" Kouji shouted hot-bloodedly.

"But you're a hero. Why are you sided with the evil robots?" Dad was perplexed.

"Evil robots? What are you talking about?" Kouji asked.

"Argh!" The Hero shouted. He was getting fed up with this world. "Just shut up so we can get this over with!"

"ROKKETO PANCHI!" Mazinger fired its forearm at TTGL, dealing a huge concussive blow to the robot's head. Dad recovered quickly, responding with a Thundaga spell while The Hero used his usual tactic of firing drills. Mazinger took them all, though it looked a bit worse for wear.

The Hero charged right in with its combat drills, scratching Mazinger's steely body.

"BREASTO FIYAH!" The red 'wings' on Mazinger's chest heated up, firing a huge burst of flame at the heroes. TTGL stumbled back; Kouji followed up with a "RASTO HARRCANE!", which didn't do much damage initially, but its rusting agents did constant damage to TTGL's body. Dad cast several Curaga spells to restore the damage, but this left him dangerously low on magic power.

The Hero (surprisingly) attacked with more drills, making sure to dodge Mazinger's Breast Fire and Rust Hurricane attacks. Dad fervently prayed to the pagan gods he'd received his magic from, hoping to restore his magic power. Fortunately, his wish was granted, and a well-placed Thundaga knocked Mazinger to its knees.

"KOSHIRYOKU BEAM!" Mazinger literally gave them the evil eye, firing a burst of light energy from its eyes. The beam pierced TTGL's shoulder, disabling it; Dad was out of magic power, so he couldn't heal it. The Hero ran in and used his remaining good arm to crush Mazinger's head.

"Shit!" Kouji screamed as Mazinger exploded, taking out the fence.

"It's a shame." Dad said solemnly. "He would've helped us immensely."

"Hey!" A voice crackled through their comms. "I'm still here!"

"Excellent!" Dad said. "Why don't you come with us?"

"Yeah, I think I get it now." Kouji said. TTGL reached down to Mazinger's head, raising it to be level with TTGL's own head. "You guys are the good guys, right?" he asked.

"Well technically, there isn't really a good or evil side-" The Hero said.

"Yes, we are the good side." Dad said, intentionally cutting The Hero off. "It's a pleasure to have you aboard."

TTGL's Lagann-based power integrated several of Mazinger's parts onto itself; its red chest wings, its shoulders and arms (granting another set of arms to TTGL), its head (nestled in between The Hero and Dad's cockpits), and its Jet Scrander, a jetpack with red axe-like wings. TTGL's auto-repair kicked in, recovering all the fighters.

"Yeah! This robot kicks ass!" Kouji said in excitement. They continued forward, past the last insurmountable fence.

Slowly, the desert once again gave way to grassy plains. They could see the castle on the horizon. But the way forward was blocked by another portal, and out of it stepped...

"Disco Megatron!" Kouji shouted.

"Correct! I see that you have betrayed us, Kouji." Disco Megatron said with a hint of disappointment. But of course, he wasn't disappointed enough to try and call him back; he would just crush them all instead.

"I've just gone to the right side, that's all!" Kouji said defiantly.

"Let me guess, you'll die before you let us through?" The Hero said lazily.

"Yes! And this time, I won't go easy on you!" Once again, the surrounding area turned into a dance floor; but rather than Daleks, Disco Megatron was accompanied by a giant disco ball suspended in midair. It started creating protective barriers around itself and Disco Megatron, but The Hero punched through them with drills, while Dad attacked with Holyga and Kouji fired several Photon-Power Beams.

The Disco Ball didn't take much punishment before exploding, but Disco Megatron was far more durable than before. He started multi-casting Fire, Ice and Water spells, dealing major damage to TTGL; Dad healed the damage, while a well-placed Rust Hurricane started eating Disco Megatron's armor away.

"Very well! Let me show you my true power! DISCO ATTACK!" The entire area started vibrantly flashing while "Stayin' Alive!" blared; to add insult to injury, Disco Megatron wiggled his ass in TTGL's direction.

The Disco Attack drained the power from all three combatants, adding it to Disco Megatron's own. He used another Disco Attack before the heroes could recover, sapping even more of their power.

"Ha ha!" Disco Megatron laughed.

"Gotta do it... Come on, Kouji! One more attack!"

"Yeah! KOSHIRYOKU BEAM!"

"HOLYGA!" The two light attacks combined, tearing out a large chunk of Disco Megatron's chest. A well-placed drill from The Hero damaged his head, dropping him for good.

"Damn it... but you won't stop... our leader..." Disco Megatron's last act was to give them the finger. TTGL absorbed as much power as it could from Disco Megatron's corpse.

"Okay, so... now what?" The Hero asked.

"We must head to the castle and save the Queen!" Dad said.

"That's exactly the same thing you said before." The Hero noted.

"The castle is just ahead. It won't take long." Dad pointed forward; the castle was barely ten minutes away. Once they were healed, they moved on.

When they made it to the castle, they noticed two people standing at the tallest tower; a green-haired woman wearing skimpy blue clothing, and a humanoid aardvark (read: furry) wearing a red cape and a gas-mask.

"Queen Natako! Lord Cerebus! We have come to save you!" Dad said.

"Thank God you're here, Dad!" Natako said.

"We didn't need your help." Cerebus said.

"We're here to defeat the boss of the evil robots!" Kouji said. "Come out, Exodus!"

The sky darkened as a massive red demon descended from the sky. His sheer power dimmed the sun, casting the area in a hellish red light.

"YES! I AM EXODUS, THE FINAL BOSS!" Exodus said.

"We've gotta use the magical punchcards in the right order to defeat him!" Kouji said.

"What? Punchcards? How the hell are we supposed to defeat THAT thing with frakking punchcards?" The Hero furiously said to Kouji.

"Then we have no choice." Dad said before the other two pilots started fighting. "We will have to beat him into submission!"

"BRING IT, MORTALS!" Exodus said, unleashing all sorts of magic. TTGL's shields absorbed most of the damage, and they responded with their standard barrage of attacks. Surprisingly, they did a massive amount of damage to Exodus in a short time, enough to make him afraid.

"NOT BAD!" Exodus said. "BUT I HAVE THE PERFECT DEFENSE!" A translucent barrier appeared around Exodus; they attacked the barrier with all their might, but they couldn't even scratch it, much less destroy it.

"He can't hold it forever. We'll just have to wait it out." Dad said. They waited and stored their power, but a portal appeared unexpectedly; a phantom form of the Megazord stepped out of it. But the heroes and TTGL had grown extremely powerful in their short war, and they dispatched the Phantom Megazord with ease.

The portal opened again, summoning phantom versions of the Guardian, Mazinger and Disco Megatron in turn. Once again, they dispatched all of them easily, though it pained Kouji to have to watch Mazinger's destruction yet again.

"DRAT!" Exodus cried as his barrier faded. "SOMEHOW, KILLING ALL OF MY SUMMONS HAS NEGATED MY PERFECT DEFENSE!"

"Alright then!" Kouji said. "Let's finish him off!"

Exodus redoubled his magical assault, but this time, TTGL couldn't just ignore it; all three heroes took major damage, and TTGL fell to its knees. It was over...

...but an orange aura surrounded TTGL. It got up, revitalized and even more powerful than before; its entire body shone with a dazzling orange glow, diffusing all of Exodus' spells.

"EXPLODERGA!"

"KOSHIRYOKU BEAM!"

"GIGA DRILL BREAKER!"

All three heroes combined their power with the orange aura. They flew right at Exodus, who hastily created a shield; but it was a futile effort, as they pierced the shield and went right through Exodus' body. Exodus exploded quite fantastically.

"YOU HAVE DEFEATED MY MORTAL FORM... BUT MY SPIRIT LIVES ON!" Exodus' voice echoed across the land. "CEREBUS! SUMMON THE FLESH MASTODON!"

"You betcha!" Cerebus waved his hands, summoning a gargantuan mastodon made entirely of flesh.

"What is the meaning of this?" Dad demanded of Cerebus.

"Oh, we just needed to pull a crappy twist out of our ass. Nothing personal." Natako said.

"Damn you all!" The Hero shouted to the heavens. The Flesh Mastodon cast its "Kill Everything" spell, indeed killing all three heroes, and rendering TTGL an unusable scrapheap.

"FOOLS! NO MAN CAN STAND UP TO THE MIGHTY DEMON... COMPUTER... THINGY... EXODUS!" Exodus' laugh was the last thing the heroes heard.

The Hero jumped up in his bed.

"Whew. Good thing that was all a dream." he said. It was all so vivid, but he was sure it was a dream... it was completely random and not very good. How could it have actually happened?

The ground beneath him shook. His dad came down the stairs.

"The Hero! You must get up!" Dad shouted. The shaking continued, but it was rhythmic, almost like the steps of a giant...

"Huh? Oh, hey Dad." The Hero said.

"Yes, I certainly am your father, who was transformed into a tiger in a horrific experiment."

"Uh... I already knew that." The Hero briefly wondered why Dad explained that, but he didn't have time to worry about that.

"An army of giant robots is attacking!" Dad said.

"Huh?" The Hero said, dumbfounded. Was this still part of his dream?

"But don't worry. The King has deployed their own giant robots. As long as we don't get in the way, we'll be fine." Dad went into the downstairs sitting room, and The Hero groggily followed.

"That's weird. I dreamed that we were the ones fighting in a giant robot." The Hero said.

"Really? That's quite coincidental." Dad said, lapping up a saucer of coffee. "Well, let's just take it easy for a while."


	2. Feyquest 400

Dramatic piano music played in a dark room. A spotlight shone down, illuminating a single person - a girly-looking guy with long blond hair, and dressed in green and yellow garb.

"I am Fey." the man said to apparently no one. "I'm your average effeminate RPG hero. Because of my tight-knit group of male friends, everyone thinks I'm gay!" he said. "Even though I'm not!" he hastily added.

"Stop monologuing, Fey!" The lights turned on. Fey looked to his side, and saw a woman dressed in a bulky blue robe and a matching beret.

"No!" he said to the woman. He turned back to his invisible audience. "That's Jo, my faithful wife. See? Can gay people get married? I don't think so!" he said, offending pretty much everyone.

"Sure they can!" Jo said. "Ever heard of a 'beard'?"

"I'm ignoring that." Fey said. "Anyways, my quest is to defeat the leader of the Dark Empire, King Darkstos." The spotlight switched off.

"Since you're useless on your own, I guess I'd better join you." Jo walked over to Fey and took her spot behind him.

"I resent that." Fey said.

"But it's true."

As they exited their house, they were attacked by a Golem.

"GRRR!" the Golem said.

Fey made a bardic lore check. "It's a Mythril Golem!" he said. "Let's beat it up!"

"Why didn't it attack us while you were monologuing?" Jo asked, slightly annoyed.

"BECAUSE I'M NICE. GRRRR." the Golem said.

Golem used Rock Throw! It's not very effective...

Jo used Water! It's super-effective!

Fey used Ice! It's super-effective!

Golem fainted!

"DAAAAAAAMN YOOOOOOUUUU..." the Golem said as it passed out.

"Ha! That was easy." Fey said.

"Now let's make equipment out of its corpse." Jo said.

"But it's not dead, only fainted."

"It's dead now." Jo dragged the Golem to their furnace and threw it in. A few minutes later, she removed several Mythril Ingots, which she crafted into a sword, a breastplate, a circlet, some bracelets and an enchanted ring (for herself), and a spear, a mail vest, a coif, some brass knuckles and an armlet (for Fey). They equipped their stuff.

"Wait, so we're wearing its corpse? Ewww..." Fey said.

"And you wonder why people call you gay." Jo replied. They left their house.

"The evil King Darkstos' palace is east of here!" Fey announced as they headed east.

"Looks like there's some giant robots fighting out to the west. That's probably more interesting than this so-called quest." Jo said.

"No! We're going after Darkstos! The giant robots can wait." Fey said.

They kept marching east for about two hours, until the rolling green hills of their home inexplicably changed into a charred gray field, with a volcano looming ominously ahead.

"Sweet, a volcano! Let's go inside!" Fey said excitedly, running toward a convenient cave entrance at the bottom of the peak.

"Why do we live right beside a volcano?" Jo asked. "Aren't you afraid of getting killed by lava or something?"

"Nah. It's dormant." Fey said, running toward a convenient entrance into the volcano's insides. But the volcano was far from dormant; fresh magma still sloshed around within it, and only a small, precarious path led onward.

"God damnit, it's hot in here." Jo cast a Water spell to cool off.

"Wait, you can't do that! We can only cast magic while in battle!" Fey said.

"What? I thought you were trying to stay in character for this stupid LARP!" Jo protested.

"Oh, right. Uh... We have to save our magic for the dreaded dragon that dwells in these caves! The heat is unbearable, but persevering will build our heroic resolve." Fey said hastily.

"What the fuck ever. And why the hell aren't we already cooked to a crisp?" Jo brandished her sword, cutting down a tree in her path.

"FUCK YOU BITCH I'M A WOODOH" The tree exploded, knocking her to her feet. Fortunately, Fey applied a few potions to her, bringing her back to full HP.

"Damn, I forgot about those exploding trees." Fey said.

"You know, I'd complain about magical cure-all healing potions, but... I think I'll let it slide this time." They continued on through the volcano, which oddly grew more and more industrial as they went on; it culminated in a series of rooms full of minecart tracks.

"Ah! The minecart puzzle! Truly one of the worst things a brave hero can stumble across!" Fey jumped in one of the minecarts, which inexplicably started moving on its own accord. Jo just stood there and watched as Fey spent over half an hour trying to work out the correct order of the junction switches.

"Why are you even bothering?" Jo walked to the end of one of the rooms, ignoring the minecarts entirely. To Fey's surprise, the door was not locked at all.

"Ah ha! I have solved the puzzle!" Fey said triumphantly. "Thank you for informing me, my dear."

"Let's just go." They stepped into the next room, a circular arena with a lava moat around the edge. A giant blue dragon slept in the middle of the room, but the intrusion of the two woke him from his slumber...

"A dragon in a volcano? Who would've imagined?" Jo said.

"Stop lampshading everything!" Fey said angrily.

"You don't even know what that means." Jo replied.

"Sure I do. It's pointing out-"

"HELLO?" the dragon said impatiently. "I'M STILL HERE! STOP ARGUING SO I CAN EAT YOU!" The dragon inhaled, and breathed white-hot flames at them. They both dodged out of the way, while slinging Ice and Water spells at him. But the dragon was tougher than the golem they had faced previously, and soon enough, their magic power was depleted.

"See? That's what you get for wasting your magic!" Fey said matter-of-factly.

"Maybe I would still have some if I didn't have to keep healing your stupid ass!" Jo shot back. "And you! Why don't you just die already!"

Of course, even Fey realized that trying to poke the dragon with his spear was suicide, even with a full stock of potions. They kept running from the dragon, hoping that the rules of this particular LARP would let them regenerate magicka over time, but all seemed lost... until a very familiar theme started playing.

"GO GO POWER RANGERS!" A dark-haired man wearing a black shirt and baggy blue pants dropped from the ceiling, slashing the dragon with his dai-katana; while the dragon was stunned, he conjured water from nowhere, did a silly little dance, and fired it at the dragon, quenching its fire breath. He inhaled some of the moisture and breathed it out as hundreds of icicle spikes, dealing massive damage to the dragon.

"Shin! Good to see you, buddy!" Fey said.

"sup bitchez" Shinkenger, the samurai ninja, said.

"He's one of your totally straight friends, right?" Jo asked.

"Yeah, and he's hella awesome." Fey said. "Come on Shin, let's show this dragon asshole what for!"

"ok lol" Shin threw them some ethers. They all combined their power for a Triple Tech...

"Icega Blizzard Mega-Glacier Absolute Tsumani!" They conjured a giant iceberg wrapped in a bubble, which they dropped on the dragon. It died.

"DAAAAAAMN YOOOOOUUUU..." the dragon said.

"Wow, that was awesome!" Fey said. "So, how'd you get here, Shin?"

"i dunno lol" Shin said.

"Can't he speak proper English?" Jo asked.

"stfu bitch" Shin said, waving his dai-katana threateningly.

"Oh that's IT!" Jo prepared a wind spell to mess up his fabulous over-gelled hair, but Fey stepped in.

"Calm down, guys. Anyways, why don't you come with us?"

"shure" And with that, Shin joined the party. They exited the arena and came to the top of the volcano. Rather than lava, the cone was filled with water; on the other side was a small island with a castle on it. Fortunately for them, the island they emerged on had a convenient airship parked on it.

"Sweet, it's the airship!" Fey said.

"woot" Shin added.

"Can either of you pilot it?" Jo asked. "It's probably a bit more complex than just going up to the wheel and raising your arms."

"i can" Shin headed up to the deck, and sure enough, him raising his arms was enough for it to lift into the air. They flew to the ominous castle, which was protected by an energy field; they'd have to go from the bottom up.

They entered the castle. Four massive doors, two on each side, stood to the side of them; a series of four barriers blocked the way forward.

"Ah! It's a clever trick. We'll have to clear each of the four rooms before we can meet our destinies." Fey said.

"Not so much 'clever' as 'padding'." Jo said.

"Whatever. Let's go to the top left door first!" They entered the room, which was empty... except for a raised platform. Atop it was a balding, portly scientist dressed in red and black...

"Greetings heroes!" Dr. Robotnik announced. "I am the First Guardian of the Dark Palace of Death. If you wish to defeat me, you must solve my maze!"

A giant golden ring appeared on the floor, hovering slightly above the ground.

"Then there's no time to waste!" Fey wasted no time in jumping through the first ring, causing it to disappear with a familiar ringing sound. Another one appeared, which he also leapt through... only for yet another to appear.

The three heroes wasted over two hours jumping through literal hoops.

"Ah ha! Not bad, but you had a time limit of 10 minutes. You must do it all again!" Robotnik cackled.

"No! Screw that!" Jo threw a dragon tooth at the platform, cutting it in half. Robotnik fell to the ground, but he was saved at the last second by his hover car. Boss music started playing out of an invisible sound system.

"Checker Wrecker, go!" A gigantic checkered ball and chain deployed from the bottom of the hover car. Robotnik flew back and forth, trying to hit the heroes with the ball, but their uncanny knowledge of moving in three dimensions allowed them to dodge it. They flung magic at it, but an anti-magic field developed by Insanocorp Ltd. protected him, and it wasn't showing any signs of weakening.

"i no" Shin jumped up, slashing Robotnik's hover car exactly eight times. It exploded quite impressively, and Robotnik again dropped to the ground... only for another hover car to pick him up.

"Fools! I've learned from past mistakes!" This time, Robotnik hovered out of Shin's reach. Instead of a ball and chain, this time he deployed several sets of loudspeakers from the bottom of his hover car.

"SEEEEEEGAAAAAA!" The loudspeakers emitted a piercing cry, stunning the heroes. Robotnik laughed as he continued attacking them with his sonic attack; even Shin was defenseless against it.

"Wait..." Fey looked at the ruined ball and chain from Robotnik's previous hover car, and something clicked in his head. "I get it now!" He psychokinetically grabbed the ball and chucked it at Robotnik, destroying his hover car with a single hit. Both the hover car and the ball disappeared, but Fey instinctively knew that he could summon it again.

"Sweet, I learned a new skill!" Fey said. But he remembered the ear-piercing shriek of Robotnik's other hover car, and realized... "No, make that two new skills!"

"Oh wow, now you can shout 'SEGA' at the top of your lungs and then drop wrecking balls on people." Jo said. "Instead of, you know, just making them EXPLODE or something.

"...I thought it was cool." Fey said sheepishly.

They chugged some potions to restore their health, and then they went back into the main room. From there, they went into the bottom left door, into another empty room.

"There's nothing here." Fey said.

"Thanks for jinxing it, dumbass." Jo said. And sure enough, the floor collapsed, leaving only a small platform upon which our heroes stood; from the void below, a gigantic silver humanoid rose, flashing multiple colors in sequence.

"God damnit, it's Disco Megatron."

"Why, if it isn't Jo!" Disco Megatron said. "How nice to see you again. And who are the fleshbags accompanying you?"

"You know this... thing?" Fey asked.

"You care call me a 'thing'! Know your place, fleshbag!" Disco Megatron shouted.

"Well... let's just say that we've met in the past." Jo said mysteriously.

"Indeed we have!" Disco Megatron agreed. "Unfortunately for you, I am the Second Guardian. Prepair to die!" A giant disco ball rose from the depths.

"What? How do we hurt him!" Fey said.

"Just keep blasting him with magic!" Jo yelled as she fired earth and water spells at him. But he was immune to their weak magic.

"Great advice, Jo." Fey said. "Can't 'meta' your way out of this one, can you?"

"Actually..." Jo pulled a device out of her robes. "Deus ex machina, don't fail me now!" She pressed the button on the device, and sure enough, another giant red robot rose from the abyss below. It was red, and covered in faces.

"Yes!" Jo cheered.

"Disco Megatron. It has been some time." The heroes overheard a voice coming from the red robot, but only one of them recognized that it was the voice of The Hero.

"Ah, another old friend!" Disco Megatron said.

"wtf giant robots" Shin noted.

"Ha!" Dad said. "We'll challenge this bag of bolts in your place!"

"Fools! I have changed my attack pattern since we last met. Now... it's DISCO ATTACK, all the time!" Disco Megatron blasted TTGL with a Disco Attack, but it resisted.

"We are prepared as well." The Hero said. "Engaging Anti-Disco." The entire area was blanketed in a noise-dampening foam. From there, Dad blasted the disco ball with a Holyga spell, destroying it instantly; and without his beloved Disco Attack, Disco Megatron was not long for this world either.

"This is... my third defeat at their hands..." Disco Megatron despaired. He deactivated.

"He is defeated." The Hero said.

"You know, that Disco Attack is pretty nifty." Fey said. "I think I can use it now."

"Laaaaame." Jo said. She turned to TTGL. "Hey, thanks for saving us, guys."

"You got it!" Dad yelled back.

"Let us return home." The Hero said. TTGL stomped off, and the heroes left the room, and proceeded to the top-right room.

Standing in the top-right room was a big and tall Chinese man dressed in orange Shaolin robes and a funny hat.

"Hello. I am Noodles, the Third Guardian." he said without any hint of an accent. "Though I bear no ill will toward you, I am afraid I must stop you from proceeding in this castle."

"What, that's it? No gimmicks? No puzzles, no quirky personality or anything?" Jo said, with a combination of surprise and delight.

"Correct." Noodles replied.

"...I love you." Jo swooned.

"Hey!" Fey said angrily.

"ur a whore" Shin said.

"Shut up, before I tear your face off!" Jo again pointed her sword at him.

"Now then, shall we fight?" Noodles drew his sword-chucks (yo) and proved that one does not wield such a weapon without skill; it was barely a minute before all three heroes were badly beaten by the old master.

"Damn, he's strong. But maybe he's weak to a DISCO ATTACK!" Fey bellowed at the top of lung. Noodles reeled back, evidently badly damaged by the attack.

"Oh, didn't like that?" Fey taunted. "Well, here's another one! SEEEEEEEGAAAAA!"

"Your powerful attacks are indeed impressive." Noodles said, genuinely praising Fey. "But I will not lose easily. Transformation." Noodles transformed into a gigantic eagle-man. He too possessed the knowledge of the Disco Attack, which he used to great effect; both Fey and Jo were knocked out cold.

"my trn" Shin said, powering up into his Super Mode. He dashed around faster than Noodles could keep track of, slashing him a countless number of times.

"nd finish. SPRIT FLSH!" Shin unsheathed his sword and shone it right in Noodles' eyes. Shin then raised his sword above his head and swung downward, creating a powerful beam of light that bisected Noodles.

"You have bested me." Noodles said, reverting to his human form. "How unfortunate."

"Why don't you come with us?" Jo suggested as she healed his wounds.

"That would be extremely disrespectful toward my master, King Darkstos." Noodles said.

"But he's evil! Come to the good side!" Fey said.

"No, that's not quite right-"

"Shut up and come with us." Jo gave Noodles a death glare, and he gave up. He joined the party.

And finally, they went to the last door, the bottom right. Its only contents were a lever and a chair.

"A lever! I am compelled to flip it!" Fey said as he switched the lever from the "off" to the "on" position.

Dramatic piano music played in a dark room. A spotlight shone down, illuminating a single person - a girly-looking guy with long blond hair, and dressed in green and yellow garb.

"I am Fey." the man said to apparently no one. "I'm your average effeminate RPG hero. Because of my tight-knit group of male friends, everyone thinks I'm gay!" he said. "Even though I'm not!" he hastily added.

"Stop monologuing, Fey!" The lights turned on. Fey looked to his side, and saw a woman dressed in a bulky blue robe and a matching beret.

"Wait, you're not Jo-" Fey said as he noticed his wife's rotting, bemaggoted face. "Oh my God, what the hell?"

"You are under the illusion of a powerful being called Necrophobe." Fey heard Noodles' voice. "But he is no longer on this plane of existence."

Fey opened his eyes, and saw Noodles' giant eagle-man form devouring some kind of zombie thing. Noodles reverted to his human form.

"Huh. So you can still do that." Jo noted.

"Of course. Why would I not be able to?"

"Well, usually when bad guys turn good, they lose all of their cool transformation powers and stuff."

"Perhaps, but I have not." Noodles demonstrated by showing off with his sword-chucks.

Finally, all four barriers were down. They proceeded onward, stocking up on healing items from a friendly slime merchant, until they were finally at the throne room of the dark one himself.

"Greetings, heroes." Darkstos, a tall dark-haired man dressed in a ceremonial black robe, said to the heroes.

"Emperor Darkstos!" Fey cursed.

"No, it's... King Darkstos." Darkstos corrected.

"But don't you rule an empire?" Jo asked.

"I do!" Darkstos replied. "Which means I can call myself whatever the hell I want."

"rofl" Shin laughed

"We've come to put an end to you!" Fey said. "And to assert my heterosexuality."

"Indeed..." Darkstos said, vaguely confused. "Then let us not waste any more time!"

Darkstos started by casting a spell that disabled both Shin's Super Mode and Noodles' transformation. But he was still one man against four, and even his powerful dark magic did not even the odds; he was taken down in record time.

"Ah ha!" Darkstos announced, getting to his feet. "But you should not be surprised that I have another form!"

"Yep, way to redefine the paradigm there." Jo said.

"Laugh while you can, woman!" Darkstos' robe burst as he transformed into a Zaku for some reason. But he had to lift the non-transformation spell to do it, which meant that him and Noodles went head-on.

"Please forgive me, King Darkstos. But these people have told me of your morally wrong deeds, and I am afraid that I must hand in my resignation." Noodles said.

"I see! Unfortunately for you, your contract specifically states that you will work for me for the rest of your life. But I'll be merciful... I'll end your life right here!" Darkstos punched Noodles, but he countered with an ultragust, followed by another Disco Attack.

"Come on, guys! Let's lend our power to him!" Fey said. He raised his arms, donating his power to Noodles; both Shin and Jo did the same.

"Thank you, friends! Now then, King Darkstos: SPRIT FLSH CHECKER WATERGA STORM!" Noodles created a huge storm, spraying Darkstos with tons of water, consecrated light and dozens of checkered balls. Darkstos fell, reverting to his human form.

"Enough of this." Darkstos said. "Final form go!" Darkstos transformed into Satan, and opened a portal to Hell. All four heroes were sucked into it. The last thing they heard was his laughing...

"Yeah, that would've been awesome." Fey said. They were back at their house; him, Jo, Shin and Noodles were all sitting at the table, enjoying a drink and playing card games. "Too bad it didn't happen."

"No." A man in red armor burst through their door; it was The Hero! "We are not doing the 'all just a dream' twist again."

"Huh? Who're you?" Fey asked.

"We are the true final bosses!" Dad said, bursting in through a wall. "Ready, The Hero?"

"Yes." Both of them jumped through the wall again, and the ground started to violently shake.

"Great. How the hell are we supposed to fight Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann?" Jo asked. "Sorry Noodles, but not even you could match up to those two."

"I understand. I will begin giving out last rites." Noodles said solemnly.

"i no" Shin said. "MEGA FUSION!" Shin leapt directly upward, creating yet another hole in their house.

The remaining three heroes ran outside, and saw the familiar red robot walking toward them. But out of nowhere, a giant white spaceship rammed into it, knocking it to the ground; the white ship then transformed into a humanoid figure.

"KING J-DER!" Shin shouted.

"TENGEN TOPPA GURREN LAGANN!" The Hero and Dad shouted back. Thw two robots started duking it out; TTGL fired magic and drills, but King J-Der countered with Maser and Anti-Meson Cannon bursts, greatly damaging it. Dad did his best to keep TTGL healed, but King J-Der was far more powerful than expected...

"We should retreat." The Hero said.

"No! We'll kill this bastard dead!" Dad yelled back. But before they could put their cunning plan in motion, three figures burst into TTGL's cockpit.

"Ha! We found you!" Fey said, pointing his spear at the two.

"How did you get here?" The Hero asked.

"We snuck in off-screen." Jo said.

"Such cowardly tactics is unbecoming of warriors!" Dad admonished. "But very well. We'll beat you with our own hands!"

Dad started casting a spell, but Noodles decapitated him in one stroke. The Hero rushed Fey and Jo, but they combined their light and dark magic that they learned off-screen and blasted him with a Fusion Bomb, annihilating him down to the subatomic level.

"Damn..." Dad said. "You may have stopped us, but the autopilot is still on..."

"Okay!" Fey said. "Back to you, King J-Der!"

"J-QUATH!" King J-Der fired its most powerful weapon at TTGL, destroying it for good.

"And that's why everyone knows I'm not gay." Once again, the four heroes were sitting around a table, enjoying drinks.

"That was a terrible story." Jo said.

"Eh." Fey shrugged his shoulders.

"But why did The Hero and Dad attack us? That wasn't supposed to be part of it." Jo said. "They were acting pretty strangely."

"Perhaps we should look into it?" Fey asked.

"ill take king jder n lok 4 hlp" Shin said as he left.

"And I believe I shall remain here with you two." Noodles said.

"Okay then!" Fey jumped up and pointed his finger toward the north."Autobots, transform and roll out!"


	3. Protectors of Universe

*Last time, on Crappy Robot Taisen...

The Hero, his father and Kouji Kabuto fought the evil forces of Exodus. But was it all just a dream?

Meanwhile, another hero named Fey, along with his wife Jo, his friend Shinkenger and a traitor named Noodles overturned the Dark Empire, led by King Darkstos.

But The Hero and Dad reappeared, and the Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann attacked Shin's King J-Der!

Good versus good! But why? Who is pulling the strings behind this deadly conflict?

Find out in today's episode of CRAPPY! ROBOT! TAISEN!*

An orange-haired man dressed in gray armor with gold highlights walked down a dirt road. He was regretting not bringing a map.

"Now, which way was their house again?" the man said aloud. He had come across a three-way intersection. He was about to just guess, when...

"GUY SHISHIOH." Two Zakus, one green and one red, descended from the sky. "YOU WILL BE TERMINATED."

"Oh, is that so?" Guy asked, amused. "Well, I have just one word for you." He pressed a button on his wrist. "GALEON! FUSION!"

A giant alien lion robot flew in, growling at the two Zakus. They blasted it, but Galeon raised a shield, easily deflecting the shots. Guy leapt up, and Galeon swallowed him; they proceeded to transform into a humanoid form.

"GAIGAR!" Guy shouted. "Now then, you two."

"KILL HIM!" the red Zaku ordered. They kept firing at him, but GaiGar jumped right over them and ran the the green Zaku through with his claws. The red Zaku lasted a bit longer by moving three times as fast, but GaiGar made quick work of it too.

But before Guy could de-fuse, another robot appeared. This one was red and white, and was significantly more powerful than the mooks he had just scrapped.

"Getter!" Guy said under his breath. "You're going to be tougher than the Zaku."

Getter Robo created several tomahawks out of thin air and started chucking them. GaiGar was able to dodge most of them, but the ones that hit did significant damage; Guy did have another plan, but there was no way he could do it now...

"PANCHI!" A black fist slammed into Getter, knocking it down. A black and silver robot descended from the heavens.

"Need some help?" Kouji Kabuto asked.

"Yeah. Could you hold him off for about a minute?" Guy asked.

"Bah! You fancy robots and your minute-long transformation sequences. Mazinger doesn't need any of that stuff, it works just fine on its own! BREASTO FIYAH!" Mazinger Z raised its arms, firing a blast of ultraheated air at Getter, melting its tomahawks in midair.

"FINAL FUSION!" A drill tank, a stealth bomber and a bullet train all flew in from nowhere and statyed combining with GaiGar. After an impressive and iconic sequence, a more powerful being stood in its place - the King of Braves, GaoGaiGar.

"BROKEN MAGNUM!"

"ROCKETO PANCHI!" The two Super Robots fired their fists at Getter, removing most of its chest. Getter fell to the ground, ruined.

"It's too weak. That wasn't the real thing." Kouji said. "But if they can mass-produce Super Robots..."

"Yeah, we need to deal with this." Guy said. "I was heading to Dad's place to recruit him."

"That won't be necessary." A red demonic-looking robot rose from the earth. It was nowhere near its true size, but it still towered over both Mazinger and GaoGaiGar, being at least three times the size of both of them.

"Oh, it's you guys! You should've helped us against Getter!" Kouji said.

"You are obsolete. You will be destroyed." The Hero said. "A new generation is at hand, and all of the old must be purged.

"Shit, it's them!" Kouji said. "Come on, we need to fight back!"

"But-"

"They're evil robot clones!" Kouji said, summing up the situation succintly. "RASTO HARRCANE!" He blew poisonous particles all over TTGL, but its self-recovery had been enhanced greatly - Dad didn't even need to cast any magic.

"Your rusted old Super Robots have no place in our Master's new world." The Hero said while firing drills of all shapes and sizes at them.

"PROTECT SHADE!" GaoGaiGar raised an energy field that stopped all of the drills, but he could only hold it for a few seconds before being overwhelmed.

"BREASTO FIYAH!" Mazinger fired more ultraheated air, but again, all damage to TTGL was instantly regenerated.

"Damn! This thing is tough!" Kouji pointed out.

"Yeah. Maybe we should consider retreating for the time being." Guy said.

"Retreat? No way! A true Super Robot pilot doesn't back down, even at hell's gate!" Kouji said, firing both of his Rocket Punches.

"Yeah, I didn't think you would go for that. Well, I have one more trick up my sleeve. GOLDYMARG!" A golden tank rolled in, transforming into a giant fist and a mecha-sized hammer to go with it. It attached to GaoGaiGar's right arm.

"Ha! Look at that toy! Come on, big guy, hit us!" Dad taunted.

"You got it! HIKARE NI NARE!" GaoGaiGar flew up, striking TTGL directly on its head. Its entire body was converted into light, which simply bled away.

"Damn it... But this is not the end!" Dad said as TTGL faded away.

"...That was a copy too." Kouji said. "But a really good one."

"Shit." Guy said. "Goldymarg, are you okay?"

"Damn right! In fact I'm better than okay! Come on guys, let's go find another one of those bastards and kill the fuck out of him!" Goldymarg shouted, transforming into a humanoid form.

"...calm down, man." Kouji said. "I'm gonna report to Lucca, and see if she's found their base yet."

"Okay then. Me and Goldy'll look for more of those clones."

INSERT EYECATCH HERE

"Are you sure this is the right place?"

Fey, Jo, Noodles and a blonde woman in a pink dress stepped out of a ship, onto an old dock.

"What? Why are you asking me? We just kind of got here in medias res." Jo complained.

"I don't remember the trip at all." Fey said, sounding slightly worried. "Excuse me, miss, where are we?"

"Oh? I think this place is called Rogueport." the woman said. "But now that I think of it, I'm not sure why I'm here in the first place..."

"Is this a dream? Oh my God, we're in an Inception fanfic!" Fey said

"I believe we are here to search for more information on The Hero and Dad." Noodles said calmly. "We heard a rumor about one of Dad's former acquaintances living here, and Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom wished to come with us to meet one of her old friends."

"Oh, that's right." Fey said.

"Thanks, Mr. Exposition. It's not like they could have shown us doing that, instead of just narrating it." Jo complained again. "Whatever, let's go look for this guy."

"Um..." Peach was also worried. "I'm not sure where Toadsworth or my retainers are. Would you mind if I tagged along with you for a little bit?"

"Sure! I'm always willing to help a pretty lady." Fey said, smirking.

"Yeah, don't forget ME or anything." Jo said, visibly annoyed.

The quartet wandered around the town of Rogueport for a while. It was definitely shady, and most of the natives seemed a bit unsavoury and not willing to share any info on The Hero and Dad. But fortunately, none of the petty thieves had the gall to mess with three adventurer-types and a princess, and even the princess could probably kick their ass.

"No leads yet. Why don't we go to the tavern?" Fey suggested.

"That's a great idea. Why not go the place that's even shadier than this town, so creeps can try to feel me up and drug my drinks?" Jo said.

"But this is an adventure! There's gotta be at least one plot point in a tavern somewhere!" Fey said.

"Ugh, fine." They all walked into the tavern, which appeared to be some sort of soda bar.

"Soda?" Fey asked.

"Stupid censorship laws."

"Excuse me, folks. You seem to be out-of-towners." the bartender, some sort of bean man, said. "What would you be doing in the *eh-hem* fine city of Rogueport?"

"We're looking for information on... giant robots." Fey said quietly.

"Is that so? Hmm... I seem to recall one of my common patrons saying something about that. Hey, Sephiroth!"

A tall silver-haired man in some sort of ridiculous black leather getup walked over to the counter. He had a huge, thin sword strapped to his back, and he emanated an aura of badass.

"Yes?" he asked.

"These folks are looking for info on giant robots."

"Is that so?" He looked at the four of them. "Hmm. Well, from what I heard, there's a kid named Shinji who lives in this town somewhere. They say he's connected with some sort of Illuminati-type people who manufacture Super Robots or something like that."

"That sounds suspiciously like an event flag!" Fey said.

"Weren't you the one who told me to stop being so meta?" Jo said, somewhat annoyed.

"What can I say? You rubbed off on me." Fey said. "Figuratively... AND literally."

"...I did not need to hear that." Noodles said, cringing.

"Whatever, it was just a joke. Anyways... Sephiroth, was it? Can I call you Sephy?"

"I don't see why not." Sephy said. "As it turns out, I'm looking for this kid too. Mind if I come with you?"

"But our party can only hold four members." Fey said.

"What? No, we don't have any sort of arbitrary limits on our group size. Welcome aboard." Jo said.

They all exited the tavern. FEy noted that the bartender looked kind of out of it, but maybe he was just tired.

The (now) five heroes eventually found a small door in the middle of an alley. They stepped into it, into a modest living quarters. A young man sat on a dingy old couch, reading a volume of the Big O manga.

"Oh?" The kid looked up. "I don't know who you are, but... please leave."

"No, Shinji Ikari. We are here to speak to you about your father." Jo said. "We're looking for information on The Hero and Dad, and on Super Robots."

"And I'm here..." Sephiroth said, brandishing his sword. "...because my boss told me to kill you. But I'll be nice and let these people get their info before I eviscerate you."

"Oh... you're Fey and friends?" Shinji said. "Okay then... I guess I have to kill you."

"What? You? Ha ha! You're, what, five-foot-nothing and maybe 40 kg?" Fey said. "No offense, kid, but the good Princess here could take you."

"You're right..." Shinji said, bowing his head. "I'm worthless."

"Wait!" Peach interrupted. "Why do you have to kill us? We don't want to kill you, so if you could just tell us a few things, we'll leave."

"No... I have to. If I do, Dad will love me again." Shinji pressed a button on his couch, disappearing into a hole in the floor. The five heroes ran outside, and saw a giant purple robot rising out of the ocean.

"What the hell?" Fey wondered. "Is that thing a robot?"

"Unit 01. I didn't know..." Jo said.

"Ha! I can take that thing." Sephy said. He flew at Unit 01, but even his impressively powerful slashes and magic couldn't pierce through its force field. Unit 01 bitchslapped Sephy, knocking him into the ocean.

"...nope." Fey said. "Noodles? Peach? Any ideas?"

"I'm afraid not. That cyborg has an immense power level, and even my Garuda form could not hope to scratch it." Noodles said.

"Oh my!" Peach said. "But we should be able to reason with him. He's just confused."

"No, that's not going to work." Jo said.

"Wait! What about Voltron?" Fey said. "And we even have five people to pilot it! Don't worry," he turned to Noodles and Peach, "it's pretty easy to pilot. We just need to call 'Go! Voltron Force!' and it pretty much goes on autopilot from there."

"I am willing to try it." Noodles said. He transformed and went to retrieve Sephy, dodging Unit 01's weapons with surprising speed. Once they were all together...

"GO! VOLTRON FORCE!"

Five mecha lions flew in from the western horizon, picking up the five heroes.

"Form, feet and legs!" One of the lions shifted into a more humanoid form, and two of the lions shifted into boots. "Form, arms and body!" The other two lions shifted into arms, attaching to the main body. "And I'll form the head!" The lower jaw of the main lion flipped down, revealing a humanoid head.

"I'm surprised that actually worked. I figured that these rusted old robots would have broken upon combining." Jo said.

"Willpower and determination can make anything work!" Fey cheered. "Come on guys, let's use the Blazing Sword!" A sword warped in from nowhere, which Voltron used to cut through Unit 01's AT field and slice it into many small pieces, all of which exploded. Fortunately, the entry plug ejected shortly before the Blazing Sword attack, and Voltorn recovered it.

"You won... what a surprise." Shinji said. With the destruction of Unit 01, he'd lost the will to live.

"It's okay." Peach said, consoling him. "You just need to do your best, and your father will respect you for that."

"No... you don't understand. My father... he's..."

"Gendo is stubborn, to say the least." Jo said. "But we need to find him. Can you tell us where he is?"

"No... I can't." Shinji said.

"How do you know him, anyways?" Fey asked. "I mean, you're really secretive about your past."

"...It's a long story." Jo said. "Shinji, do you know anything about The Hero and Dad?"

"Yeah... my father, he had some sort of project to produce Super Robots. Dad was one of the test pilots, but..."

"Yes, I know of this." Noodles said. "The Decepticons were another aspect of the project. But they betrayed him, took many of his secrets as well as their pilots, and went to work for King Darkstos."

"Ah, gotta love arc welding." Sephy said. "But I have a job to do. Shinji, have you made your peace?"

"Wait! I'll..." Shinji transferred the coordinates of Gendo's lab to Voltron. "Please... don't kill me."

"...Alright. Killing kids never sat well with me anyways." Sephy said. "But I'm still coming with you guys."

"Sounds good. Let's go stop this Gendo guy! Anyone trying to mass-produce Super Robots can't be a good guy." Fey said. They put Shinji's entry plug down on the ground, and flew off to meet their maker.

ANOTHER EYECATCH GOES HERE

A giant white ship landed near a small shack in the middle of the woods. It transformed into a humanoid form, and fired a Maser Cannon blast at the shack - but a force field protected it.

"wtf" Shinkenger, the pilot of the white robot King J-Der, said to himself. The ground opened up, and a large tank-like robot rose from it.

"THREAT DETECTED. ACTIVATING COMBAT ROUTINES..." the Guardian announced. A translucent blue force field covered it, indicating that it was currently in Defense Mode.

"gtfo noob, i cut u up" Shin threatened. "tri atk" He empowered his cannons with fire, ice and lightning magic, firing them all at the Guardian - but its shield held.

"SWITCHING TO ATTACK MODE." The Guardian's blue shield turned red, and it started firing Buster Beams and Wave-Motion Guns, but King J-Der was no slouch in the defense department either; its armour was scratched a bit, but its Generating Armour held.

"its on" Shin said. "J-QUATH!" King J-Der fired its mighty J-Quath at the Guardian, severely damaging it, but it was far from dead.

"ACTIVATING SAFE MODE." The Guardian's field turned green. Shin kept firing at it, but its shields absorbed all damage, converting it to energy which it used to repair itself.

"Need some help, buddy?" A black robot appeared, carrying a massive hammer.

"whore u" Shin asked.

"Name's Guy, and this is Goldy." Guy said. "Speaking of which... HIKARE NI NARE!" GaoGaiGar slammed its hammer down on the Guardian; its shields faltered, and it was reduced to light.

"thx" Shin said.

"Sure, anytime." Guy said.

"Yeah! That bastard's dead!" Goldy cheered. "Come on guys, let's go kill more of them!"

"In time, Goldy." Guy said. "Anyways, I assume you're here looking for Gendowned Labs?" he asked.

"yep" Shin said. "im lookin 4 hero n dad"

"Yeah, that's what I thought. DIVIDING DRIVER!" Goldy detached from GaoGaiGar, and was replaced by a golden screwdriver-like attachment. GaoGaiGar used it on the ground, opening a huge crater in the ground... and revealing a gigantic gaping hole.

"Ah, that's the Super Robot exit." Kouji, piloting Mazinger, also appeared. "Lucca was right this time."

"Yeah, I guess so. But like they say, even a broken clock's right twice a day!" Guy said, and they both laughed. "So, uh..."

"shin"

"Yeah, we should team up. I'm sure they're expecting us by now, so we could use the help. We'll brief you after we're done."

"ok" Shin said. The three robots flew into the giant hole beneath them. The hole eventually turned into a corridor, but awaiting them was their first challenge - another Getter.

"This... this has to be stopped!" Kouji said, brimming with rage. "RASTO HARRCANE!" Kouji's attack started to quickly wear down the Getter copy, but it instantly regenerated by producing an orange light.

"GETTA BEEEEM!" Empowered by the orange light, it fired a beam of energy that completely overwhelmed GaoGaiGar's Protect Shade, leaving a huge hole in its shoulder. Guy roared in pain.

Kouji countered with a Photon Beam, firing right at the orange hole in Getter's chest. It immediately overloaded, shredding Getter from the inside. A small sphere of the light remained among the remains of the robot.

"That..." Guy said. "That's... The Power!"

"Wait, I think I recognize that." Kouji said. "We used it, or called it or something, when we fought Exodus."

"Hmm..." GaoGaiGar reached toward the sphere, and instantly was overwhelmed by an orange aura. "Yeah, this is great!" He touched the other two robots, empowering them as well. They continued moving on.

But something distracted them. A human in powered armour fired something at Mazinger, temporarily stunning it.

"Ah, hello." the man said.

"And you are?" Guy asked.

"Tony Stark, the one and only Iron Man."

"Uh huh." Kouji said. "And where's your mecha?"

"Oh, I don't need one of those big suits. My armour here is more than adequate to take you three on."

"really" Shin asked. "no its not" He grabbed Iron Man out of the sky. "ths hand of mine burns wth awsum power. its burning grip tell me 2 defet u. take ths, my luv, my angr and all of my sorrow. shning fingr" King J-Der's hand started glowing, completely disintegrating Iron Man.

"...Okay man, don't do that again." Kouji said. "No offense or anything, but Domon's a friend of mine, and he sort of has the copyright on that attack."

"srry"

"Oh, Domon copyrighted that attack? Is that what he told you?" a raspy voice called out. The three robots looked down to see an ordinary man standing before them.

"Another one?" Guy asked. "Listen, we just killed your friend there, and he was at least wearing powered armour."

"So, you think I'm not a threat?" Master Asia, the Undefeated of the East, smugly asked.

"Yeah, pretty much." Kouji said.

"I see! Perhaps you should reconsider that." Master Asia chanted something, and grew to match the mechas' size.

"What? How did you do that?" Kouji asked.

"A wizard did it!" Master Asia said while punching Mazinger in the face, knocking it over. "More accurately, a sorceress..."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Rita Repulsa said, appearing (at the same size as Master Asia) from a portal. "I made him bigger with my magic wand!"

"thats dirty" Shin commented.

"Hang on a second... Master Asia, and Rita Repulsa?" Kouji wondered. "Are you two..."

"Happily married for thirty years." Master Asia said. "Now, come on honey! Let's stop these two!"

"Yes!" Rita said. "Take this! Hell Firaga!" She fired a bunch of dark fireballs at them, but they had little effect.

"Let's just get this over with! Goldy, let's go!"

"Killing humans? Sorry man, can't do it." Goldymarg said with great disappointment. "As much as I want to."

"Well then." GaoGaiGar clasped its hands together. "HELL! AND! HEAVEN!" A green wave of electromagnetic energy surrounded all of the targets; due to magic or something, the energy reduced Master Asia and Rita to their normal size. Hell and Heaven reduced them to atoms shortly after.

"Why the hell do you get all of the kills?" Kouji asked. "Leave some for me!"

"And you were just complaining that I have far too many fancy tricks..." Guy said jokingly. "Come on, let's keep going."

They kept going, until they ran into another giant robot.

"Shin? Shin, is that you?" It was Voltron, piloted by Fey's group.

"hi" Shin said back.

"You guys... are Shin's friends?" Guy asked.

"Yep. Name's Fey, this is Jo, Noodles, Sephy and Peach. We're here looking for info on The Hero and Dad."

"Ah, so are we! I'm Kouji, and this guy is... Guy." Kouji said. "How'd you guys get in here, anyways?"

"We snuck in offscreen." Jo said.

"Just ignore her. Anyways, I guess we should join up, huh?"

"Sounds good to me. According to our blueprints, Gendo should just be up ahead." Fortunately, the corridor ahead was robot-sized, so they kept going.

And there, they met Gendo Ikari, the leader of the Life Preservation Organization.

"...You're early." Gendo frowned. "Very well. Jo, give me your report."

"Sure thing." Jo teleported out of Voltron, to right beside Gendo. She handed him a small cloth bag.

"Exodus' pieces. Excellent." Gendo waved his hand, and the bag teleported away. "That's the last thing they should need."

"What? What's going on here?" Fey asked. "You're working with him, Jo?"

"Ah, I forgot." Jo pulled a small device with a button on it out of her robes. "The prototype Neuralizer works well... Along with altering Simon's memories, I was able to recruit two members from Darkstos' gang and the CRF, respectively. But... I was also able to change an openly gay man into a straight heterosexual that was convinced I was his wife. I'm fine with altering memories, but..."

"Do not worry." Gendo said, a hint of revulsion in his voice. "The production models will not be as powerful."

"What? What are you-" Fey went silent. "Oh my god..."

"No, it's not..." Shin said. "Rafael?"

"...Fey was your nickname for me." Fey said. "But... she..."

"Strong enough willpower can break the alterations." Gendo noted. "That will be changed in the production models as well. And what about Darkstos?"

"He transformed and nearly killed us. I do not know his current whereabouts." Jo said. "And I destroyed Disco Megatron, but the rest of the Decepticons are unaccounted for."

"I see. This is most unfortunate." Gendo said. "Very well. I suspect that the rest of you are wondering who I am. I am Gendo Ikari, leader of the Life Preservation Organization."

"What the hell was the point of this all?" Fey yelled angrily. "You were using us? For what? To destroy Darkstos?"

"Partially correct. When I heard of Exodus and his army, I sent my second-in-command to clean up. As I'm sure you already know, my Super Robot project also involved a number of sapient robots; Exodus was one of them, but the escape of the Decepticons inspired him to go rogue as well. Fortunately, two of my other escapees dealt with him, but they were left in prime position to... recapture.

"And then I learned of Darkstos, another rogue element. I had Jo deal with him as well, by brainwashing you so that our involvement was minimal. The... forces behind Darkstos would not be pleased if they knew of my involvement, though it hardly matters now. From there, she took out my... son, who was willing to collaborate with the CRF, and now you're here. All by my will."

"You... why would you do that?"

"You have no right to alter our memories!" Kouji fired a Rocket Punch at Gendo, but a force field vaporized it.

"My goal is to protect this world. I have accepted the fact that I must take a few... less than ethical actions to do so." Gendo did the Gendopose on his desk, with Jo at his side. "Now then. You are free to leave."

"Leave? After you've told us everything? What are you, an idiot?" Guy asked. "We're going to report all of this to the CRF!"

"Yes, you will. But by the time you report this information to your superiors, it will be too late." The roof opened, revealing the night sky. A full moon hovered right above them, but the sky was oddly starless...

"Wait. The moon just blinked." Fey said. "...Holy shit."

The moon zoomed out, revealing a gigantic face.

"This is Granzeboma, my ultimate creation. With it, I will achieve my goal."

"What's your goal? Taking over the world to create a so-called 'utopia'?" Kouji shouted.

"If necessary, yes. Now then, as so-called 'heroes', I expect that you will try to stop my Granzeboma. I will not stand in your way, but I would strongly suggest against it. You will die, and I do not wish that." Gendo teleported away.

"Wait! Before you go, Jo..." Fey shouted. "Did... you ever really love me?"

"Of course not. I'm surprised you didn't pick up on the hints. I wasn't trying very hard to hide my disdain with you. And besides, aren't you gay? Now you can go back to the arms of Shin or whatever."

"For the record, I'm bi!" Fey said. "And even though you manipulated me, I'm still attracted to you!"

"Men." Jo sighed as she teleported away.

"Well then, guys?" Guy said. "We've got a giant robot to kill."

"Allow us to join you." TTGL appeared, piloted by the real The Hero and Dad.

"You guys!" Kouji said. "You escaped?"

"Pretty much, yeah." The Hero said. "As it turns out, most of the other experiment pilots remember us, even if we don't remember them. Well, at least I don't; apparently they put some sort of failsafe amnesia bomb in my head before we escaped."

"Thanks for the exposition." Shin, now back to his original personality, said. "Anyways, giant robot? Death?"

"BWA HA HA HA!" The voice of Granzeboma echoed all across the land. "YOU THINK YOU PUNY HUMANS CAN KILL ME?" It fired a beam at them, completely destroying their giant robots and the surrounding area. Surprisingly, all of the pilots survived.

"What... what is that thing?" Peach wondered. "It's some sort of god..."

"An artificial one." Sephiroth said. "Based on info from my superiors, Gendo wanted to create a god that he could control. And it looks like he succeeded."

"Who do you work for anyways?" Guy asked. "You're certainly not a member of the CRF."

"I serve... a higher authority." Sephiroth said, before shaking his head. "Sorry, that was a terrible line. But they wanted me to kill Shinji... which I would have, until that woman bewitched me. They're not going to be happy."

"But how do we stop this thing? How do we kill a god?" Guy asked.

"None of us possess the ability to impede Granzeboma." Noodles said solemnly.

"No, that's not true. One of us does." Dad stepped up. "I do. Gendo sealed my power because I was a potential threat. It was nice to shirk my responsibilities for a little while, but... it's time."

A green aura surrounded Dad, casting him in silhouette. His body changed from a tiger back to a human, and the green aura even generated clothing - a blue cape with a red insignia in the middle, and tight leather pants. Dad himself had wild blue hair, as well as odd star-shaped goggles.

"...Simon." Shin said respectfully. "You're a legend."

"No, I'm no hero. I'm just a guy who believes in defending people." Simon looked back. "You weren't my biological son, but... it was nice being a father for a while."

"...Yeah, it was nice." The Hero, more accurately known as Kens, said. "But... you're coming back, right?"

"I'm not saying goodbye. I'm just saying... see you later. Also, I would suggest getting out of here as fast as you can." Simon cloaked himself in Spiral energy and leapt upward. The other eight heroes (Kens, Fey, Shin, Noodles, Guy, Kouji, Peach, Sephiroth) ran away as a gigantic red robot constructed itself out of thin air above them.

"DAD. OR SHOULD I SAY... SIMON THE DIGGER." Granzeboma taunted. "THE LEGENDARY HERO THAT DEFEATED THE ANTI-SPIRALS. THEY SEALED YOU WITHIN THE BODY OF AN ANIMAL, BUT APPARENTLY YOU GOT BETTER FROM THAT."

"Yeah, I did." Simon said defiantly. The true form of his mecha, the Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, appeared. Because they weren't in Super-Spiral Space this time, the mechas were roughly the size of Jupiter, and only various types of wizard-doings prevented the alignment of the entire solar system from being thrown out of whack.

"BUT YOU'VE GROWN WEAK IN YOUR OLD AGE! YOU'VE BARELY ENOUGH ENERGY TO KEEP THAT SPIRAL MONSTROSITY UP AND RUNNING. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT US?" Granzeboma was piloted by a collective mind of Simon clones, all using their comparatively meager Spiral power to keep the Granzeboma running.

"No, maybe I don't." Simon said. "But you know what? I have a drill! And my drill..." Simon created a Giga Drill on TTGL's arm, raising it upward. "My drill is the drill that pierces heaven, earth and even gods! No matter how tough you are, I'll just keep chipping away at you until I'm all the way through!"

"PATHETIC! ENCIRCLE!" Granzeboma tore open the fabric of spacetime and tried throwing TTGL into it, but Simon applied moar Spiral energy to it to close it.

"That attack won't stop me! GIGA! DRILL! BREAKER!" Simon used his signature attack to go right through Granzeboma, killing nearly all of the clone neural network.

"NO! I WON'T FAIL! INFINITE VOID!" Reaching out to nearly every corner of spacetime, Granzeboma tried to destroy reality itself. But Simon, crafty bastard that he is, used TTGL to do the same. Their energy annihilated one another.

The heroes witnessed the battle from below, silently observing the sacrifice of a great hero.


	4. Chapters of the Chosen

Tropica, a large island lying off the coast of the great country of Susanoo. Its inhabitants are unconcerned with matters of the mainland, but that's about to bite them in the ass when a great evil awakens...

In the eastern town of Gunkai, a young woman is woken up by a rather rude intrusion...

"Oh Zuko, you're so bad..." Katara tossed and turned, enjoying her dream a little too much.

"Eh hem." An old man dressed in a blue robe cleared his throat.

"Huh?" She groggily looked at the man; it took a few seconds before she realized what was happening.

"Katara, descendant of the water god Seiryuu! You have been chosen as the Hero of Water." the man said.

"Get the hell out of my house!" Katara grabbed a glass of water from her nightstand and turned it into a solid lump of ice, which she threw at the old man's head; he fell to the ground, out cold.

"Oh shit! Did I just kill him!" She jumped out of bed and started tending to his wound. Fortunately, he was only unconscious, and in fact he recovered after only an hour or so.

"Ugh..." the man said. "Ah... Katara. I am sorry for startling you like that."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't spy on people while they're sleeping!" Katara shouted exasperatedly. "Now, who are you?"

"I am the Sage of Water. A great divination has told us of the four Chosen Heroes of Tropica, destined to defeat the Big Bad in his Evil Tower of Ominousness." The man reached into his robe and pulled out a bracelet. "This Transformation Trinket will allow you to assume an Elemental Avatar form, which will boost your skills immensely."

"That's... nice?" Katara said. "Something tells me you're telling the truth, but it's still a ridiculous story."

"There is little time. The Big Bad's Can is slowly weakenening, and he could break the seal at any time. You must go to the Evil Tower at the center of our island and meet with the other Chosen Heroes, so that you can combine your powers."

"Well... alright." Katara put the bracelet on, transforming into a woman made of ice with some very strategically-placed purple ribbons surrounding her body.

"Ah, the ancient Elemental Avatar of Water, Shiva." the Water Sage said in awe. "You must learn to use your new powers well. A demonic presence haunts your village; you must defeat it before moving on."

"Do I have to defeat it, or is it just one of those stupid 'oh, you're a legendary hero told of in prophecies, but you're not powerful enough, so go slay rats for twenty years' things?"

"The demon blocks all entry and exit from the village."

"But how'd you get in?"

"Just go kill the damn thing!" the man yelled.

"Fine, fine. You know, I'm feeling kind of cold..." Katara stepped outside of her house, into the icy town of Gunkai. She threw on some more clothing before leaving though, robbing this story of some much-needed fanservice.

"So, if I were a demon, what would I haunt...?" Katara wandered around town for about half an hour, until the answer hit her... literally.

"DERIHDFDFNIDENWIOIN!" Katara recovered from the giant icicle of doom, which fortunately only grazed her shoulder. She patched it up with a Cure spell, only afterwards noticing the gigantic demonic sea serpent floating above the town.

"I... guess that's the thing?" she wondered to herself. She fired an icicle back at it, but it shattered against the demon's tough scales.

"HNGHHRHWNENNNEEJJ." The water demon fired dozens of icicles at her; again, she got hit by a few, but her Cure magic was able to heal it.

Katara pulled an Iceman and surfed on a sheet of ice toward the demon, but it destroyed the bridge with its tail, sending her tumbling to the ground. She tried a few more times, but she wasn't even able to get close to it without falling.

"GHTHTHRTROHWOASN!" The water demon unleashed some sort of spell that created a torrential downpour. It then used another spell that started freezing the rain drops, raining thousands of little spears on the entire town. Katara saved herself by creating a dome of ice above her head, though it took quite a bit of her energy to sustain it.

Once the deluge was done, she looked at her opponent... and saw that it had shrunk significantly. The once-massive water demon was only now about the size of a human. Katara surrounded it in a solid sheet of ice, then had the water demon pierced by thousands of tiny little spikes that extended and retracted multiple times a second. Once the demon stopped struggling, Katara threw the entire thing into the nearby ocean.

"Very good." the Water Sage, stepping out of a house, said. "You are now ready for the true trial. The Evil Tower of Ominousness awaits!"

"But my home... that ice storm attack, it did so much damage." The surrounding area had been pretty much annihilated by that attack, and dead bodies littered the street.

"Don't worry, I have Phoenix Downs. Now go."

Another old man, this time wearing green, stepped into an empty house. And we mean empty - there wasn't even any furniture or anything.

"That's odd. I'm sure this is the right house..." the man muttered to himself. "Excuse me? I'm looking for-"

A woman dressed in black dropped from the ceiling, holding a knife to the man's throat.

"Give me a good reason to let you live." the woman growled.

"Wait wait! Impa, descendant of the wind god Suzaku! You've been chosen as the Hero of Wind! Now please don't kill me!" the man pleaded.

"Are you with the Cult of Pratonic?"

"No, I promise I'm not! Please don't kill me, I'm too young to die!" the old man cried. Impa relaxed her arm.

"You're pathetic." She sheathed her knife. "Now, what were you talking about?"

"A great evil threatens to break its seal, and only the four Chosen Heroes of the Gods can defeat it. You're the Chosen Hero of Wind, and you must meet up with the other Heroes at the Evil Tower of Ominousness."

"I have my own problems to deal with. Find someone else."

The old man took a pair of earrings out of his robe. "Wait. The Cult of Pratonic are the ones seeking the Big Bad's revival. If you defeat it, they'll stop hounding you."

"I doubt that." Impa said condescendingly. "Even if their leaders have a goal in mind, the rest of them are petty thugs. If the Cult is disbanded, they'll just re-form as an independent group."

"...Even still, we need your help." The Sage of Wind handed the earrings to Impa. "These contain the power of the Wind God. Put them on, and your powers will be enhanced - enough to deal with the hangers-on once you defeat the Big Bad."

"Fine. They're close to finding me anyways." Impa put the earrings on, and transformed into a winged humanoid with a bird-like helmet and a loose green robe.

"Wait... That's odd. The Elemental Avatar of those earrings should have been Ramuh..."

"I have no desire to turn into a slow old man." Impa said. "We compromised."

Suddenly, a bunch of thugs dressed in technicolor dreamcoats burst into the house. The Wind Sage took several shuriken to the head, dying instantly; but Impa deflected them with a powerful air current, knocking the cultists on their asses at the same time. She drew her knives and leapt on the cultists in turn, cutting their throats with surgical precision. She'd killed plenty of them before, and these ones weren't even trying.

"Get the interloper!" More cultists ran in, this time wielding guns. But Impa's enhanced speed and strength let her catch the bullets in midair and throwing them back, killing all but one of them. The survivor pointed his finger at Impa, firing a number of multi-colored beams of light.

"Prismatic Spray? Shit." Impa pointed her knives at the cultist, firing bolts of lightning at him; but he deflected it with a force field. More cultists ran it, and the lead cultist cast another Prismatic Spray; Impa dodged it, but one of the cultists burst into flame, another turned to stone, and the third started gibbering in an unknown language.

"PLAYTIME'S OVER! TRANSFORM!" The lead cultist transformed into a weird-looking wind creature.

"The Wind Master! I finally get to kill one of the higher-ups of the Cult." Impa smiled sadistically. She threw her knives, using wind magic to guide them into the heart of the creature; they found their mark, but it would take more than that to kill this creature.

"Fools! Your puny little forks won't hurt me." The Wind Master fired a burst of concentrated electricity at Impa, but she countered by negatively-charging the ground underneath her, diffusing the blast. She flew at the Wind Master, raking it with her claws and retrieving her knives, stabbing the beast until he threw her off with wind.

"Ha!" The Wind Master turned red. "My skin is harder than diamonds, and I'm immune to your magic! Now you die!"

"Really?" Impa asked. "You seem to forget that Ramuh also possesses Poison magic, which I just applied to my claws and knives."

"What? Urk! BLEEEEEUGH!" The Wind Master literally vomited his guts up, collapsing in a heap and reverting to his human form. For good measure, Impa called down a lightning bolt, frying the corpse beyond recognition. She went back to her house, plucked a plume of Phoenix Down from the Sage's robe and used it on him.

"Ah! Thank you, Chosen of Wind!" he said. "Now, you must go to the Evil Tower of Ominousness."

"Fine." Impa flew off.

A black-haired woman looked at some smoldering coals in a fire pit in her basement. She pressed her hands into them.

"AAAARGH! YESSSS! THIS IS SOOO HOT!" she screamed in pleasure.

"Uh... Hey, you're Rei?" An old man wearing red walked down the stairs into the basement.

"WHO THE FUCK CARES?" she yelled. "WAIT, I CAN SMELL THE WEED ON YOU FROM HERE! YOU'D BETTER HAND SOME OF THAT SHIT OVER!"

"Totally, man! This shit is primo!" The old man pulled a few joints out of his robe. They got high and laughed for about an hour.

"I'M SO HUNGRY, MAN!" Rei said. "I'VE NEVER EATEN HUMANS BEFORE! I WONDER HOW YOU TASTE?"

"Wait, man! I'm important and stuff!" the Fire Sage said. "And you are, too. You're the descendant of Byakko and stuff. You're going to save the world or something."

"ARE YOU HIGH! OH WAIT."

"Here's a thing that I have." He pulled a necklace out of his robes. "This will let you transform into a bitchin' fire demon or something. I don't really care, so whatever."

"YES!" Rei put it on, transforming into a sexy fire demon chick. "YES! NOW I LOOK LIKE HOW I FEEL!"

"Dude, you're so emo." the Fire Sage said. "Now come on, there's a world to save and shit."

Rei walked out of her house. The sky was dark, and she laughed maniacally. She used her new powers to torch her old place. She doused it by using Shadow magic, reducing it to little bits.

"Hey! Stop that!" Five Goombas walked up to her. "Only our King is allowed to kill it with fire!"

"OH IS THAT SO! WELL, GUESS WHAT? I'M STILL HUNGRY!" Rei grabbed one of the Goombas and chomped down on it, spewing blood and guts everywhere. "OM NOM NOM!"

"Holy God!" the remaining Goombas said, all of whom were pants-shittingly terrified. They slowly walked away, but Rei satisfied her newfound bloodlust by stomping on them.

"I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT!" she said. "NOW, WHO ELSE WANTS TO MESS WITH ME?"

"Hey!" A giant turtle-like creature came down in a smiling hovercar. "No one abuses my Mooks but ME!"

"BRING IT ON, GAMERA!" Rei taunted.

"Gamera? Now IT'S ON!" Bowser grabbed a Metal Box, a Hammer Bros. Suit and a Feather from his copter, and ate all of them. His skin turned into solid metal, he gained a black helmet and a yellow cape.

"Bwahahahaha! Metal Hammer Cape Bowser is Go!" Bowser started chucking fiery hammers, but Rei dodged some and threw others back. Unfortunately, Bowser's metal skin had a ridiculous melting point, so they didn't hurt him. He started flying around as well, spitting fireballs and throwing hammers all over the place.

"GOD! MY FUCKING SUPPORT SPELLS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE OF USE NOW!" Rei cast several Bravery spells on herself, somehow making them stack. She jumped up at Bowser, delivering a powerful Blaze Kick that left a huge scorch mark.

"Graaah!" Bowser yelped. "But it'll do more than that to hurt me! I'm pretty much invincible!"

"GOOD! THAT MEANS I GET TO TORTURE YOU MORE!" Rei combined her Fire and Dark magic, creating a huge wall of hellfire around both of them. She Blaze Kick'd Bowser again, knocking him into the hellfire wall and rapidly heating him up to the point of unbearability.

"Argh!" He lost all three of his powerups, falling to the ground.

"AND NOW YOU DIE! MARS HELLFIRE ANNIHILATION!" Rei created a huge ball of hellfire above her head, sending it hurtling toward Bowser with a mighty toss.

"I'm not done yet, you bitch!" Bowser called upon his own magic, transforming into Giga Bowser. He ducked in his shell and started rapidly spinning, creating a blizzard that held the fireball at bay.

"OH, SO YOU WANT A FUCKING BEAM OF WAR HUH? WELL I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU! FLAME KAMEHAMEHA!" Rei did the Kamehameha attack motions, firing a concentrated beam of white-hot flame into the hellfireball; Giga Bowser kept up his blizzard, but it wasn't enough. The hellfireball engulfed him and flew into the sky, lighting up the darkness.

"WELL THAT WAS A WASTE OF TIME." Rei descended back to the ground; the town of Gunzan was mostly destroyed by the fight.

"Good work... I guess." the Fire Sage said. "Uh, now you gotta go to the Big Bad Evil Tower in the center of the island or something, I guess."

"OKAY. BUT I WANT ANOTHER TOKE BEFORE I GO."

"Sure, man, I got plenty."

And the final Chosen Hero was Aeristh, who got a hairclip containing the power of Titan. She traveled to the tower without incident.

The four Chosen Heroes met outside of the Evil Tower of Ominousness' gates. The evil tower ominously loomed above them.

"Wait, all four of the Chosen Heroes are girls?" Katara asked.

"FUCKING FANSERVICE." Rei loudly complained.

"Let's just get this over with." Impa said. "How do we open this gate?"

"I noticed a number of levers on the back of the tower walls. Perhaps we need to flip them in a certain order to open the gates?" Aeristh said.

"FUCK THAT, IMMA DESTROY THIS BITCH." Rei threw a hellfireball at the gate, trashing it. "IN FACT... WHY DON'T WE JUST DESTROY THE WHOLE TOWER? YOU KNOW THAT WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO UP IT, SO LET'S BRING THE TOP TO US!"

"Sounds good to me." Impa said. She called down a huge bolt of lightning while Rei threw another hellfireball, but the tower was protected by some kind of force field.

"No effect. We'll just have to go up the 'intended' way." Impa sighed.

"WHY? I CAN FLY, YOU CAN FLY, I BET YOU OTHER TWO BITCHES CAN FLY TOO."

"That force field is too strong, we'll never get in from the top." Aeristh, using her powers of plot convenience, said.

"FUCK! FINE, LET'S GET OUR ASSES IN GEAR." The four Heroes walked into the proper entrance of the tower, only to be greeted by the four Sages... as well as an old woman, and a young boy.

"Excellent! You've all made it here intact." the Earth Sage, wearing light brown robes, said. "Though I must admit, your method of taking down the gate was... unconventional."

"Wait, why are you here? Did you guys teleport here or something?" Katara asked.

"It doesn't matter. But you're shaping up to be fine Chosen Heroes." the Water Sage said.

"But there's, like, one more test before you go up there, man." the Fire Sage said.

"This is the fifth member of your group." The old woman said. "His name is Ma-Ti, and he embodies the power of Heart."

"Of course he does." Katara said. "But isn't he a boy?"

"...I'm a eunuch." Ma-Ti said quietly.

"Now then! Before you go up, you must show teamwork." the Wind Sage said. "We will combine our powers, and you must combine yours to overcome us!"

"FUCKING CAPTAIN PLANET."

"No, not Captain Planet. Someone far more powerful..." The four sages surrounded the old woman, and they did some sort of fusion dance, combining and transforming into Tiamat, the five-headed dragon!

"Wait! I can feel you all..." Ma-Ti said. He pointed his finger at Tiamat, calming the raging beast.

"That power is quite incredible." Aeristh said. "But these are still the Sages, right? We can't kill them."

"We have no choice. It's blocking the way forward." Impa said. She drew her knives, extending the blades with concentrated wind and electricity.

"YEAH, LET'S KILL THEM!"

"No. I'm going to try..." Aeristh raised her staff, casting some sort of purification spell that returned all five Sages to their humanoid form.

"You've passed the test! Now go onward!" The five Sages all vanished.

The five Heroes all went up the tower, fighting off generic demon enemies.

"FUCKING RANDOM ENCOUNTERS!" surprisingly said by Katara, who was getting quite fed up with the randomly-appearing monsters. More demons appeared, but she threw them off the narrow path with a wall of water.

"They're regular animals... or, they were." Aeristh said. "They've been corrupted by the evil in this tower."

"SUCKS TO BE THEM! MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE LIVED SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN THE FUCKING EVIL TOWER!" Rei complained.

"Speaking of evil..." Impa looked into the darkness, illuminating it with her ninja eye-beams. A massive figure in rainbow robes leapt from the shadows, blocking the path forward.

"You dare bring light into my lair! You must die!" The large man drew a sword thirty times his size from hammerspace.

"Who're you, and do you really need a weapon like that?" Katara asked. The man threw off his robes, revealing that he was actually a robot!

"I am Sigma, of the Cult of Pratonic's Inner Circle!" Sigma swung his massive sword, destroying the path in front of them. But, since he was a robot, he was completely unencumbered by the weapon; he cleared the gap with a single jump.

"More Cultists." Impa muttered. She created an electromagnetic pulse, stunning him for a moment.

"HEART!" Ma-Ti pointed his finger at Sigma. It took quite a bit of effort, but Ma-Ti learned how to use his already vast psychic abilities on thinking machines. As it turned out, Sigma's internal architecture was ridiculously human, up to and including support for magic and psychic abilities...

"No! You can't do that!" Sigma protested.

"I already did!" Ma-Ti swapped consciousnesses with Sigma, gaining his mechanical body. Sigma was trapped in Ma-Ti's former body.

"Oh god, this is horrible! I'm... fleshy all over!" Sigma-in-Ma-Ti's-Body ran away crying.

"I've always wanted to be a robot!" Ma-Ti-in-Sigma's-Body said. "Except..." He looked down. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"That sword more than compensates for it." Katara said. "Come on, let's keep going."

And they kept going down, into the bowels of the earth, until they came across an unholy altar surrounded by black candles. A tall man with ashen skin and garish red armor stood above the altar, chanting something.

"Hello. Who are you?" The man turned around, looking at the heroes.

"We've come to stop you for some reason." Impa said.

"Are you the Big Bad person?" Aeristh asked.

"I am Gilgamesh, the greatest swordsman alive!" Gilgamesh said, revealing his four arms, each equipped with a sword. "I'm under orders to break the seal of this being before Gendo or the Cult of Pratonic get to it. But I'm going to assume that you don't want me to do that."

"No, we don't." Katara said. "What's in there anyways?"

"Hell if I know." Gilgamesh shrugged. "But if it doesn't listen to me, I'll show it why I'm known as the greatest swordsman alive. And if you don't leave right now, I'll do the same to you!" Gilgamesh unveiled his six arms, each holding a different signature sword. The heroes powered up into their Elemental Avatar forms, and Ma-Ti conjured his huge-ass sword.

"HYDRO STORM!" "BREATH OF GOD!" "HELLFIREBALL!" "EARTH POWER!" "VIRAL HEART!" All five heroes fired their most powerful attacks at Gilgamesh, completely overwhelming him. Gilgamesh tried raising a Paling, but it was too late; he took the full force of all five attacks. He wasn't dead, but close to it.

"Aargh! Not bad, but... I won't die just yet!" Gilgamesh threw a lustrous black pearl into the altar. Instantly, the space around the altar tore, opening a portal to a blacker-than-black realm... and the denizen within.

"DIE!" A horrifying entity beyond description emerged from the void. It could best be identified as two different types of armor, fused together by pure, unrelenting evil, but there was so much more beyond...

"Exodus? Famfrit?" Gilgamesh wondered. "Where are they?"

"FOOL! I AM EXOFRIT, HERALD OF THE VOID!" Exofrit opened the portal wider, fitting more of its unholy bulk into this plane. "ALL THINGS WILL BE ABSORBED BY THE VOID! STARTING WITH YOUR PATHETIC SOULS!"

"Uh, guys?" Katara said. "Shouldn't we do something against this thing?"

"IT WANTS TO DESTROY EVERYTHING!" Rei said in awe. "I SHOULD BE HELPING IT!"

"DESTROY? FOOLS! I DO NOT CREATE OR DESTROY! I CONSUME, REDUCING ALL TO NOTHINGNESS! ALL THAT IS TOUCHED BY THE VOID WILL HAVE NEVER EXISTED!" Exofrit boasted. It fired a tendril of pure Void energy at Rei, and when it retracted, nothing was left.

"Wait! I can fix that!" Aeristh cast Arise, but to no avail. Rei was completely gone.

"Oh my God!" Katara said. "Oh... oh my god..." She tried firing another Hydro Storm at Exofrit, but to no avail; the attack might as well have been a photon to the Sun.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Exofrit laughed madly. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! HA! HA! HA!"

"There's no hope." Impa said despondently. "We failed."

"You dumbasses!" Ma-Ti said, transforming into a giant mecha. "Take this! GIGA CARE-BEAR STARE!" Ma-Ti unleashed a powerful wave of positive feelings, reinvigorating his allies... and Exofrit.

"HAPPY THOUGHTS? YOU HOPE TO DEFEAT ME WITH HAPPY THOUGHTS?" Exofrit laughed.

"Yeah, good going there." A woman in a blue cloak warped in.

"You... You're that woman..." Gilgamesh said.

"And you're one of those dumbasses working for Green." Jo said snidely. "And you thought you could get the drop on us by unleasing Exofrit ahead of schedule. Well, my friend, here's a message that you can deliver to your superiors: Gendo's plans are always on time."

Jo threw off her robe. Her body, rather than being made of flesh and blood, was instead made of a thick, black-colored water-like substance.

"THE VOID STOPS FOR NO BEING!" Exofrit yelled, opening the rift to the Void even further.

"It stops for me!" Jo extended hundreds of thin tendrils from her body, attaching herself to Exofrit. They struggled for a few seconds, but Jo forced both of them back through the portal. As the portal closed, the lustrous pearl popped out, bleached by its exposure to the Void.

"I failed..." Gilgamesh took the pearl and teleportaled away.

"What... the hell was that?" Katara asked. "And what about Rei?"

"She's gone!" Aeristh bawled.

"This was... a trap." Impa said. "The descendants of the four gods, as well as their artifacts, were required to break the seal on that thing. The Sages set us up."

"Huh? How do you know that?" Katara asked.

"Them." Impa pointed to the five Sages, as well as a number of Cult of Praetoric members wielding guns. All of them looked pretty pissed.


	5. Final Fantasy LXXXVII2

In another part of the world, a man dressed in green hiked through the mountains. His pack was heavy, both with equipment and with dreams; this man was looking for a place only spoken of in ancient texts written in long-forgotten languages.

As he rounded a corner, he finally saw it; a temple built into a mountain, overlooking a small village on a plateau. The man beamed.

"Finally I got to the La-Mulana!" Lemeza said with glee. "The adventure starts here!" Fortunately for him, the ancient tome written in a long-forgotten language pinpointed its exact location, and his friend Cypher ate dead languages for breakfast (literally; his fee for the translation was the book).

Lemeza hiked for another hour, until he was finally at the village. He immediately marched up to the ancient, ornate gate leading into La-Mulana, but two guards stood in front of it.

"Who are you?" Guard 1 asked.

"I'm Lemeza Kosugi, famous ninja archaeologist!" Lemeza said proudly.

"Sorry, no one's allowed in La-Mulana." Guard 2 said. "You can try to convince our leader, Elder Xelpud, to let you in, but these gates haven't been open in 500 years."

"Fine, I'll do that." Lemeza said. "Dicks." he muttered under his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing!" Lemeza walked off.

After buying a few supplies for himself, Lemeza found the Elder's hut.

"Whaddya want?" An old man - a very old man - greeted Lemeza on the way in.

"You're Elder Xelpud?" Lemeza asked.

"Huh? Who told you that?"

"Listen, I need to get into the ruins." Lemeza said. "I need the treasure inside it to help my dad."

"Can't let you do that, Lemeza." Xelpud taunted.

"Why not? And how do you know my name?"

"See, there's a lot of staunch atheists 'round these parts. If word got out that we were all made by a space alien for the sole purpose of helping her get back to space... they'd be pretty unhappy."

"Thanks for spoiling the actual game, dick!" Lemeza said angrily.

"Whatever, it's not like anyone cared anyways." Xelpud went misty-eyed for a bit. "Uh... what were we talking about again?"

"You... were... going to let me into the ruins!" Lemeza said hastily.

"Oh, right. Well, I can't let you go in by yourself."

"Dude. Ninja archaeologist."

"Even still, you'll need help." Xelpud looked around. "Find three other people who're willing to go with you, and I'll open the gates."

"Whatever." Lemeza left. So, he needed three others to come with him? He could probably figure something out.

Lemeza walked into one of the other huts. A balding man and his daughter were enjoying some catball soup.

"Who are you?" the man asked. Lemeza ignored him and walked up to the girl.

"This is probably a really bad idea, but... do you want to come to the ruins with me?" Lemeza asked.

"Yeah!" the girl said.

"Hey, hold on a minute!" the man protested.

"It's okay, Daddy! The strong man will protect me!"

"I don't care! I don't want you in those ruins in the first place!"

"Don't worry, it'll be fun!" Lemeza said. "And I'll keep her well-fed and healthy. Here, have some candy!" He dug into his pack and pulled out some candy, and gave it to the girl.

"Okay! My name's Fally!" She grabbed Lemeza's arm and dragged him outside.

"Hey!" Fally's father stepped in front of them. "I don't know who you are, but get the hell away from my daughter!"

"No." Lemeza said, and took him out with his whip. "Okay Fally, who else should we recruit?"

"The robot guy!" Fally said. "He lives in that hut there." So they went into the hut, where they were greeted by a familiar face.

"Hello." The robot, wearing a red hat and pants, a black shirt and a green scarf turned around to greet his guests. "Huh? Lemeza?"

"Quote! Fancy meeting you here." Lemeza and Quote had traveled together for a time, but that's a story for another time... "What brings you to La-Mulana?"

"I just needed to get away from that crazy kingdom with all the crystals." Quote said, shaking his head. "And La-Mulana's kind of like a cave, right? And it has stories in it."

"Yeah, I guess." Lemeza said. "Anyways, I need some partners to get into the ruins. Wanna come with us?"

"Sure!" Quote grabbed his Polar Star gun and twirled it around. "But are you sure it's okay to bring a little girl with us?"

"I'm helping!" Fally said cheerfully.

"She has the power to destroy us all the bad guys or something." Lemeza shrugged. "Come on, let's go." The three left Quote's hut, and entered yet another.

This particular hut was entirely filled with swords.

"You! Hey, you!" A voice came from behind a huge stack of swords. They could barely make out a tall man in red armor behind it. "Can you folks help me out for a second?"

"Gee, I wonder if you have enough swords here." Lemeza said sarcastically.

"Well, that's the thing." Gilgamesh said. "I've got so many wepons here that I can't get out of my house. And I think some of them are talking to me..."

"You need help." Quote said.

Suddenly, a black aura surrounded one of the swords. It extended to several other swords, all of which levitated and took the shape of a human.

"Hey, Gilgamesh! Why don't you use me anymore?" the evil sword asked.

"See? I'm not crazy!" Gilgamesh said. "I knew I shouldn't have bought that cursed sword off of that shady merchant..."

"Ya THINK?" Lemeza shouted.

"It's okay, Gilgamesh! I'll draw blood - one way or another!" The evil sword stated attacking Gilgamesh. Lemeza attacked it with his whip, Quote fired at it with his Polar Star, and Fally started singing Chocolate Rain, which weakened the monster. Gilgamesh finished it off with a Triple Slice 'N Dice, cutting the evil sword and diffusing its evil power into the ether.

"Well, that was anti-climatic." Lemeza commented. "So, uh... Gilgamesh, right? Want to come into La-Mulana with us?"

"I guess so. The Light Brigade kicked me out, so I don't have anything else to do..." Gilgamesh half-heartedly grabbed some of his sword and sheathed all six of them. He joined the group.

They all headed back to Xelpud's house.

"That's quite the party you've got there." Xelpud said.

"Huzzah!" Quote cheered heartily.

"Well, there's probably some swords I can find in the ruins..." Gilgamesh said, his head hanging.

"Yay1" Fally said.

"Yeah, you can say that again." Lemeza said.

"Oh, okay. That's quite the party you've got there." Xelpud said. "Anyways, I'll open up the gate for you. Talk to the guards when you're ready."

The guards stood by as the massive gates opened. Xelpud and the rest of the village waved at them, but once they were through, the gates closed shut.

"Ha! Suckers!" Xelpud yelled. "You thought I was just a senile old coot? Well, you can go die in the ruins!"

"SHIT!" Lemeza cursed loudly. "Alright. Well, there's probably other exits out, right?"

"I really, really hope so." Quote said.

"You know, I can teleport..." Gil said offhandedly. "But we're here already, so we might as well get as far as we can, right?"

"Yay! Let's go guys!" Fally said, singing a cheery tune that boosted their speed and HP regeneration. They'd need it.

The first area, the Guidance Gate, was relatively simple. Lemeza had printed off a walkthrough and some maps from GameFAQs, so they knew where every puzzle and piece of treasure was. The random encounters were thicker than he expected, but they were all fairly weak, and the four of them had no trouble with them.

The first deviation was the Grail. Once Lemeza pushed a block onto a pressure pad thing (as it turns out, it's a lot easier to do when you can move in three dimensions), the wall slid away, revealing an entirely new room.

"Huh. That's odd." Lemeza said. "That should have opened up a chest."

"How do you even know?" Gil asked.

"It's... complicated." Lemeza said dismissively. "It involves a wall that should never be broken."

"A wizard did it!" Fally said.

They all walked into the room. An old knight sat in the middle, and nearly a hundred different cups of various shapes and sizes.

"Really?" Lemeza said. "Really? I mean, I know I owe a lot to Indiana Jones, but... really?"

"Welcome to the chamber of the Grail." the knight said. "You must choose. If you choose... poorly, you will face the consequences. But if you choose... wisely, you will live forevermore."

"What's the catch?" Quote asked. "Do we have to stay in this particular room forevermore, or do we have to drink blood, or what?"

"No catch. Drink from the right cup, live forever."

"That sounds suspiciously specific." Gilgamesh said. "Come on, guys, let's go." He tried to step outside of the chamber, but the walls slid back in. Gil tried to punch through the wall, but only hurt his fists in the process.

"Okay, I know how this goes. All of these cups are fake, the real one is the simple pewter cup." Lemeza picked up the pewter cup, nested behind several diamond-encrusted gold goblets, and took a drink from a sink in the middle of the room. Of course, he was right.

"You chose... wisely." The knight smiled. "You are free to go... if you can find a way out."

"Bitch I can teleport." Gil grabbed the three others and teleported out. Lemeza took the Grail, as well as several other fake cups - hey, you never know when you need to kill someone with a cursed goblet.

"So, now I'm immortal." Lemeza said. "Cool, I guess. You guys want in?"

"I'm already immortal, or close to it." Gil said.

"I'm a robot."

"I still need to grow up!"

"K."

The second deviation was the exits... or the lack of them. There were no exits to the other parts of the ruins. They were trapped in the Guidance Gate.

And the third, and most egregious deviation was the lack of a boss. Once they made their way to the boss room, there was no giant two-headed snake. Instead... there was an exit.

"Well, let's go down, I guess." Lemeza lead, while the other three followed down the ladder.

They ended up on a seemingly-floating platform made of glittering gold bricks. A large stone tablet stood at the other end of the platform.

"Uh, can anyone read... Ancient Greeciegyptomayan?" Lemeza asked.

"I can!" Fally looked over the tablet for a few minutes. "It says 'In order to progress, you must solve the puzzle in plain sight!'"

The Shell Horn blared, indicating that they did, in fact, solve a puzzle.

"How'd you read that?" Quote asked.

"I can read!" she said happily.

"Ah. Well. Good job." Lemeza looked around. "So, we solved a puzzle... but what did it do?"

"Let me check something out." Gil teleported away, then teleported back a few seconds later. "The upper room is different."

They all teleported to the room they supposedly came from... but it was just another floating platform made of silver bricks this time. Another stone tablet stood in front of them, but as Fally approached it, a sphinx materialized.

"Kitty!" she said excitedly.

"Wait, Fally!" Lemeza snatched her away. "Okay, a sphinx. This I can deal with. I love riddles. Come on, give me your worst."

The sphinx was silent for a minute. Then, it waved one of its paws, conjuring more floating platforms.

"BREAK THE TARGETS!" it bellowed. Ten red-and-white targets appeared on the various platforms.

"Uh... okay?" Lemeza said. He whipped one of the targets, shattering it into billions of fragments. Quote shot a few, Gil blasted one with a Blizzaga spell, and Fally ran up to the sphinx and petted it.

"OH NOES MAH TARGETZ :O" Once all ten targets were destroyed, the sphinx vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Aww, the kitty's gone..." Fally sniffled. A formerly-invisible path revealed itself, leading into the distance. They walked down it, until they came back to La-Mulana proper - specifically, the True Shrine of the Mother.

"How convenient." They made their way through the shrine, until they came to the entrance to the anointed chamber. But preceding it was an antechamber, and waiting there was a familiar man in a black suit and scary shiny sunglasses, and a familiar woman in blue robes.

"Excellent. Head back to HQ; I'll clean up here." Jo teleported away, and Gendo turned to face the crew.

"You! You're Gendo Ikari!" Gil yelled, drawing his swords. "You're the one the Light Brigade's after!"

"Indeed." Gendo waved his hand, knocking Gil to the ground. "So, you've made it here. Impressive, but anticipated."

"Who are you, and why are you here? And how'd you get here?" Lemeza asked.

"In reality, the ruins of La-Mulana are the body of The Mother, an extraterrestrial that indirectly created humanity." Gendo said. "Within her body lies the secret to life. Most importantly... how to create it.

"With the collapse of Granzeboma, I am forced to rely on one of my many backup plans. Once I've acquired the knowledge of The Mother, I will use it to bring peace to the world."

"He's lying!" Gil sputtered. "The Life Preservation Organization wants to initiate Instrumentality! They want to strip individuality from everyone!"

"Yes, you're one of the Light Brigade." Gendo said, bemused. "They have been telling you lies. Red and White have a personal quarrel with me, and they're dragging others into it. I do not wish to strip individuality; I wish to preserve it, eternally."

"Wait!" Lemeza said. "I need the secret of Life to help my dad. He's sick, and-"

"Do not worry. In my new world, no one will die."

"No man has that right!" Quote said. "No one should be able to play God!"

"If only you knew..." Gendo frowned. "Very well. I wish to test out some combat nanomachines I have recently acquired. I will do you the honour of testing them for me." Gendo pressed something on his glove, and he suddenly became ripped and three times his regular size.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Quote pointed and laughed. "Look at him! 'GENDO SMASH!'"

"I assure you, robot, I have not lost any of my intelligence." Gendohulk punched the floor, creating a shockwave that knocked the rest of the crew on their feet. Gil got up, drawing his swords, and rushed at Gendohulk; the latter grabbed the former's swords and broke them all in his grip.

"Damn!" Gil jumped back and switched to Blue Magic. "LEVEL 1 METEOR! LEVEL 0.2 PARALYZE! LEVEL i FLARE!"

Gendohulk was not fully paralyzed, but he was definitely slowed down; he was bombarded by nuclear explosions and meteors, and though he took some serious damage, he was mostly uninjured.

"Level i Flare?" Gendohulk mocked. "What's next, you're going to equip a victorian dress to boost your attack power?"

"Shut up, it's useful!" Gil drew more swords.

"DISCO ATTACK!" Fally got up and belted out a Disco Attack, blasting Gendohulk with seizure-inducing colors and ridiculously loud music. This gave Gil the opening he needed; he thrust all six of his swords into Gendohulk's chest. He ripped them out, leaving a huge chunk in Gendohulk's torso; he grunted and flexed, regenerating the wound.

"These nanomachines are truly impressive." Gendohulk commented. "But I've wasted too much time." Gendo reverted to his normal size and ran into the room beyond. Lemeza and Quote got up, and they followed him... only to be greeted by Gendo looking at a gigantic stone face.

"I see." Gendo said. "It will not give up its secrets easily." He turned to the crew. "Dispatch of this nuisance for me. It is awake, and it seeks death." He teleported away.

The Mother... made some sort of sound, but it wasn't purely physical; there was some sort of psychic component as well, one that said "Kill me".

"That bastard. He has no stake in this." Quote said. "He can just teleport in and out, and let everyone else deal with his problems."

"Speaking of which..." Gil tried to teleport away, but he couldn't. "Shit! I'm being blocked by something!"

"We're in this for the long haul." Lemeza said. "Good thing I'm immortal."

The Mother cried again, producing a wave of lesser beings that rushed at them. They defeated the zerg rush easily, then aimed their weapons at The Mother herself.

"HELP US, NYAN CAT!" A rainbow cat appeared from nowhere, blessing all of the heroes with extra power.

"LEVEL i FLARE!" Gil fired more nuclear explosions at The Mother.

And, lacking special attacks, Quote just fired his Nemesis at her, and Lemeza filled one of his fake Grails with water and chucked it at her; the water splashed all over her face, rotting most of it.

The Mother screeched again, producing a wave of more powerful spawn this time. The rest of the face sloughed off, revealing a feminine figure wrapped completely in white light. She started firing death beams all around, vaporizing most of her own army.

"I've been saving this one! ULTIMATE ILLUSION!" Gil used up the rest of his MP to power an attack that killed the rest of the army and badly damaged The Mother; Quote kept up his assault with the Nemesis, while Fally sang "Power of Desire" at the top of her lungs. And Lemeza...

"NINJA TECHNIQUE LEVEL 6: RASENSHURIKEN!" Lemeza threw a shuriken-shaped burst of razor wind at The Mother, cutting her into many, many pieces.

"Really? Naruto?" Quote laughed.

"Shut up! It works!" The Mother screamed again, but this time, it was her death wail; they could sense relief as well as pain in her cry.

A white crystal dropped from the corpse of The Mother. Lemeza walked over and grabbed it; he felt the power of life pulsing within it.

"This..." Lemeza was awed. "This is the power of life. I could use it to..." Lemeza raised it, and created an exact duplicate of himself.

"Hey!" Lemeza 2 said. "Why do I feel like I've been retroactively put into the story?"

"It's a long story." Lemeza said. "Anyways, guys-"

But the other three were already unconscious. Gendo was standing in front of Lemeza.

"I'll be taking that." Gendo extended his hand. "Do not worry, I'll use it to heal your father."

"I don't care what your intentions are, I don't trust you." Lemeza backed away, using the crystal to create a monster. Jo appeared, absorbed it into herself, and disappeared.

"No, that won't work." Gendo said. "Give me the Life Crystal."

"No!" Lemeza shouted. He held the crystal up... inadvertantly reviving The Mother in a bestial state.

"You fool!" Gendo scolded. "She'll consume the entire planet!"

"So be it!" Lemeza said. He directed the crystal at Gilgamesh, bringing him back to consciousness.

"Gil! Get us out of here!"

"You got it!" Before Gendo could react, Gil, Lemeza, Lemeza 2, Quote and Fally teleported away. The Mother's hideous face stared down Gendo, as it began growing... and growing... and growing.

"Infection's at 99% We're detecting a huge increase in non-Euclidean space!" Guy Shishioh shouted. He was staring at a screen giving off bizzare readings, but his Evoluder powers interpreted them into logical information.

"Energy levels are at 10^21!" Katara said. "Come on Kens, we need to make a decision!"

The crew of the Daikaizer, a Dragon-class ship "liberated" from a tyrannical warlord, had a fairly paltry crew; Kens, Fey, Shin, Noodles, Guy, Kouji, Peach, Katara, Aeristh, Impa and Ma-Ti, plus some unnamed filler robots. But they had quite a bit of experience in destroying infected planets, helped by the Daikaizer's impressive amount of weaponry. It came at the cost of living quarters, but they had enough.

"...Are there any surviving biosigns?" Kens asked.

"All detected biosigns are the same." Fey said quietly. "And that single biosign is 99.9999% similar to the Lavoids we've detected so far."

"Alright. Engage the target!" Kens said. "Open all weapon ports! Prepare the Red Matter!"

"We're being attacked." Noodles said. "I'm registering hits on all sides."

"I'm deploying the point-defense fighters!" Several remote-controlled Super Robots deployed from the Daikaizer's hangar, shooting down giant organic masses that were attacking the shields with tentacles.

"The Red Matter Missile is primed!" Kouji said. "Firing!"

A small missile flew into the planet below. Upon detonation, the entire thing was absorbed into a black hole, which blinked out of existence a short time after. The rest of the organic balls went down soon after.

"Target destroyed." Kouji said.

"I don't detect any biosigns." Fey said.

"...We were too late." Kens lowered his head and said a prayer.

"We did everything we could do." Fey said.

"Orders, Captain?" Impa asked.

"...Second star to the right, and straight on til morning." Kens said quietly. The Daikaizer flew off into the stars, seeking to undo the damage done by Gendo.


	6. Raid

Ma-ti, the hero of Heart. He'd been awakened to his destiny on the island of Tropica, gaining psychic powers and a spirit companion in the form of a blue fox-like creature named Carbuncle.

But he was a pawn in a greater plan. The Cult of Pratonic, a group that worshipped the all-consuming Void, planned to use him (and the other four chosen heroes) to release a being called Exofrit. They were successful in re-sealing the Void, but at a cost: the chosen hero of Fire, Rei Hino, was absorbed by the Void in the heat of the battle, and a woman employed by the LPO was the one to bail them out.

But not all of it was bad. Ma-ti had used his telepathy to transfer himself into a much stronger body - the body of Sigma, a reploid who was a member of the Cult's inner circle. He still possessed all of his abilities, but with his new robotic body, he could actually put up a fight - and his spirit companion had changed too...

"DIVINE JUDGEMENT!"

Ma-ti summoned Alexander, a massive walking city-mecha. Deep within it somewhere was Carbuncle, who had taken control of a spaceship controlled by the Dark Empire and transformed it into this form. Alexander opened weapon ports all over its body and fired beams of divine radiance at the oncoming Cultists, reducing them to ash.

"Was that really necessary?"

Rafael Colombini, nicknamed "Fey", stood beside Ma-ti, watching the carnage with a mix of awe and horror. He'd come a long way from his humble beginnings as a minstrel; he'd gained impressive magical power, mostly by activating his latent Blue Mage talents.

"Eh." Ma-ti shrugged. "Why waste time with the cannon fodder?"

"Well, yeah, I guess. But it just seems like a waste of MP."

"We both have plenty of MP, and we can Osmose more if we run out."

Speaking of which, Alexander faded away, revealing that some of the cultists had survived.

"Okay, I'll take care of these ones." A silvery substance flowed from Fey's fingertips, coating his arms in the stuff. "LUMINAIRE!"

The remaining Cultists stopped in mid-stride, as several beams of bright green light shot out of the ground. Some of them tried escaping, but Fey had modified this spell to include a powerful suction effect; unless any of them could break the sound barrier from a standstill, they were screwed.

The beams of green energy coalesced into a small sphere of energy, which rapidly expanded, swallowing the entire countryside. Fey and Ma-ti were inside the blast radius as well, but since it was allied magic, they felt nothing but a stiff breeze. The remaining Cultists exploded in gory chunks as the spell faded away.

"Talk about overkill." Ma-ti said. "Was the exploding corpses necessary?"

"It's a side-effect of the suction." Fey shrugged as his arms returned to normal. The black barrier around them dissipated, and they looked upon their target: a massive black tower that reached into the skies, and likely deep into the earth as well.

Within this tower was a powerful artifact that the Cult had captured from the Light Brigade, another faction in this war. It was a jar of some sort that could convert water into an elixir of everlasting life, or something like that. Given that the Cult's goal was eradicating the entire universe by unleashing the Void, Fey and Ma-ti weren't quite sure why they wanted it, but they couldn't have a good use for it.

As they approached the black tower, the gates opened before them. They expected an army of Cultists to rush out of the tower and attack them, but to their surprise, the entrance to the tower was completely empty.

"God damnit, it's a trap." Fey said. "Come on, let's get out of here."

"We've come too far to turn back now." Ma-ti replied.

"What? No we haven't. We killed some mooks and walked across a field, that's it."

"Well... even still, we can handle any trap they throw at us." Ma-ti ran into the tower, and Fey reluctantly followed.

The main lobby of the tower was rather sparse, without even a desk or furniture. The only notable feature was a massive spiral staircase in the middle of the tower; the stairs apparently extended from the very bottom to the very top of the tower, and they were somewhere in the middle.

"Up or down?" Ma-ti asked.

"Good question." Fey said. He tried tapping into his inner genre savviness, but it only told him that the jar would be in the direction they didn't pick, and that splitting up was a terrible idea.

"Well?"

"Dunno." Fey shrugged. "Up?"

"No, it's down." another voice said. Fey and Ma-ti turned around, and saw a dark-skinned man in imposing black armor walking toward them. A bolt of lightning dramatically cracked outside as the tower's doors closed behind him.

"And you are?" Ma-ti asked.

Without saying a word, the man flash-stepped behind Fey and grabbed him by the throat. He conjured a ball of dark fire in his other hand and threw it at Ma-ti, trapping him in a force field of some sort.

Fey immediately tried casting a spell to get out of the man's grip. His arms turned silver again, but the man only laughed. He threw Fey to the side and trapped him in another force field.

"I haven't seen that power in some time. I see why they led you here." The man drew a piece of metal that could only be called a sword in name only, and imbued it with some sort o spell. He slowly walked toward Fey, showing off a grin that clearly marked him as pure evil.

Fey pressed his arms to the edge of the force field, and to his surprise, his silver arms absorbed the dark fire into himself. He got up and redirected the dark fire at the man, but he flash-stepped behind Fey again; but to his surpise, Fey caught his sword with his bare hands and absorbed the magic from that as well.

"Hmm." The man threw his sword to the side. Fey started wailing on him with his bare hands, but the man parried all of his strikes with magical barriers. A particularly strong one knocked Fey to the ground.

"If you're done wasting your power and my time, I'd like to propose an alliance. I am Ganondorf Dragmire, King of Evil."

"King of Evil?" Ma-ti chuckled a bit. "Just like the Villains, giving themselves self-important titles like 'King of Evil' or 'God of Magic'."

"We prefer being called the Legion." Ganondorf said. "If I am not mistaken, you two are here for the Ewer of Purification, correct?"

"Yeah, but what does that matter to you?" Fey asked.

"It's a trap." Ganondorf frowned as soon as he said that, as if the words left a bad taste in his mouth. "The Ewer is here, but the Cult could care less about it. No, they need one of your kind."

"Huh? What do you mean by 'my kind'?" Fey said, rather angrily. "Is that supposed to be some crack about me being gay?"

"I was not aware of that fact. No, they need one with your abilities." Ganondorf grinned again. "Yes, I see why they chose you. You're a standard hero type - if you hear even a single whisper about some sort of quest, you leap on it like flies to a corpse. But I digress. The Cult has a number of powerful magical artifacts hidden within this tower, which I have need of. Since I am in a good mood, I'll assist you in your retrieval of the Ewer."

"Why should we agree to that? You'll probably just betray us at the last minute!" Fey said. "And even if I did agree, why should I let you just help yourself to a bunch of magical artifacts?"

"If you do not ally with me, you will not get any of the Cult's treasures. Consider it an act of mercy that I am allowing you to have one."

"...Fine." Fey could sense Ganondorf's incredible magic; it was dark, yes, but it also had a divine component. They probably could take him out, but it seemed likely that he wouldn't stay down.

"Very good." Ganondorf clenched his hand, and the force field around Ma-ti dissipated. "Now then, the Cult will be upon us at any second. Shall we get to the raiding?"

They descended into the depths of the earth. The spiral staircase seemed to go on forever, but there was still no resistance from the Cult.

"Okay, so what exactly did you mean about 'my kind'?" Fey asked.

"When you use magic, your arms transform into magical quicksilver." Ganondorf noted. "If I am not mistaken, and I rarely am, that is the mark of an Archetype."

"A what?"

"Wait, I can answer that." Ma-ti said. "An Archetype is a type of being that can absorb traits and powers for their own use."

"Well, yeah, I'm a Blue Mage." Fey said.

"It goes farther than that." Ganondorf said. "Once you are awakened to your true potential, you will be able to directly consume your enemies and gain all of their knowledge and power. I have even heard of Archetypes who can combine many disparate abilities into a unified whole."

"Sounds overpowered." Fey commented.

"Indeed. The Cult likely lured you here to corrupt you to their side. I wouldn't be surprised if they plan to turn you into a living conduit to the Void." Ganondorf said. "If it comes to it, I will not hesitate to kill you."

"Fine for me." Fey said. "I would rather die than let myself become a Void worshipper. Hell, I like living! I don't want to erase the place where I live."

"Huh? Aren't you supposed to say something like 'They'll never get to me!' or 'I'm too strong to fall to the Dark Side!'"

"Hubris is a pretty big flaw, though." Fey said. "I like to maintain a realistic view of my strengths and weaknesses. And if I'm 'not awakened to my true power', then I'm not invincible yet, right?"

"So you've read the list too?" Ganondorf said, with a hint of amusement in his voice.

"What list?"

"Nevermind. It's here." Ganondorf pressed his right hand to a random brick in the wall. A golden triangle appeared on the back of his hand, and a good chunk of the wall gave way to a glittering vault made entirely out of gold.

Sitting on a pedestal in the middle of the room was the Ewer of Purification, an ebony jug encrusted with gold designs and red jewels. An ordinary-looking amulet engraved with a water-like design sat next to the Ewer.

"Hmm? Where is the horn?" Ganondorf wondered. He walked up and grabbed the amulet. He tried slipping it over his neck, but the golden chain shrank as he reached over his head. While he was distracted with the amulet, Fey grabbed the Ewer and cast a water spell, filling it to the brim.

"Eh." Seemingly changing his mind, Fey dumped the water out. "It'll probably just kill me or reduce me to dust or something. I'll let Kens have the first sip."

"From what I've heard, it does actually work." Ganondorf said. "But the last person who drank from it transformed into a horrific sea demon. They must have used the horn, too..."

"What horn?"

"These artifacts form a trifecta. The Horn of the Devil grants power, the Ewer of Purification grants courage, and the Amulet of Winter grants wisdom. But it seems that the Horn was a one-use item." Ganondorf stuck the amulet in his pocket. "The Cult will likely attempt to attack us on the way up. Be prepared."

But they made their way up the spiral staircase unopposed. The lobby was still empty when they stepped into it. Ganondorf tried opening the gates, but they wouldn't budge; instead, he just punched right through the door...

...revealing an infinite plain of blacker-than-black darkness beyond it.

"What in the..." Ma-ti wondered. "Where are we?"

"The Void." Ganondorf said. "They've thrown this entire tower into the Void."

"Shit! What do we do?" Fey said, silently panicking. Ganondorf placed his right hand on the ground, but frowned when nothing happened.

"The real question is, why are we still alive?" Ma-ti asked. He thought back to the battle with Exofrit, and how Rei was there one second and gone the next...

"I don't know." Ganondorf raised his hand, creating a ball of white energy above it. He threw it into the Void, but it vanished shortly after exiting the atmosphere of the tower. He tried again, with a slightly bigger energy sphere, but it still vanished as soon as it left the tower.

"Why indeed?"

Ma-ti, Fey and Ganondorf turned around, to see an old man in a multicolored robe descending from the staircase.

"You!" Ganondorf threw another energy ball at the man, but he knocked it away with his staff. He clenched his other hand in a fist, and tendrils of viscous black fluid shot from the darkness beyond the door, grabbing Ganondorf and dragging him kicking and screaming into the Void. His scream was quickly silenced.

"Yes, me." The old man looked at Fey. "Do you know who I am, Fey?"

"I've got no idea." Fey shrugged. "But I'm guessing that you're part of the Cult of Pratonic."

"Correct. In fact, I am the leader of the Cult. I once feared the Void, as you do - but an incident with some very dangerous magic showed me the way. And in time, you will see the way too."

Several other men in the same multicolored robes stepped out of the Void and into the tower. Unlike the old man, who looked relatively untouched, these men had sickly white skin and black sockets in place of their eyes and mouth. One of them growled, and another joined in, until they were a horrific chorus of inhuman guttural growls.

"Ah, listen to the music of the Void!" The old man smiled. "Now then. I have need of your power, Fey. If you join me willingly, I promise I will be gentle..."

"I hate creepy old men!" Ma-ti invoked the power of his guardian, but even the divine radiance of Alexander could not survive in the Void. He managed to fire a couple of holy beams through the entrance, vaporizing the Cultists, but he too was consumed.

"Ah, so you're one of the Tropica heroes. I was wondering why one of my trusted inner circle would betray me. Very well."

Ma-ti tried to use his telepathy to screw up the old man's mind, but he instead received a dose of Void to the brain. Ma-ti fell to the ground, screaming in agony.

"Allow me to put you out of your misery."

"No!"

The old man clenched his hand again, but Fey fired a beam of holy energy at the tendrils, blocking them temporarily. Unfortunately, there were too many tendrils for Fey to block, and his friend was consumed as well.

"Now, Fey. Will you continue to resist?"

"Damn right!" Fey reached out with his silver arms, firing tendrils out of them at the old man. But the man opened a number of small Void portals, absorbing each silver tendril. In desperation, Fey poured more and more of his magical power into the magical quicksilver, and it responded by spreading all over his body.

"Very good! Yes, you truly are a Greater Archetype!" The old man laughed as he conjured a magical ring around Fey, creating an anti-magic field that returned Fey to his normal state.

"NO!" Fey pounded at the invisible barrier, desperately attempting to get out. He knew what the old man was trying to do to him: he'd felt it, but he'd been able to resist it.

His voice. It was his voice.

"Submit to the will of the Void, Rafael."

"No! I'm not listening la la la la I won't submit la la la!" Fey screamed as loud as he could, trying to drown the old man out.

"You will become one of us." But the old man's voice pierced right through his screaming, resonating in his mind. No, he wouldn't let the man brainwash him.

"DIE!" Fey unleashed all of his remaining magic power in a single burst, overwhelming the barrier. He shifted back into his silver form and ran toward the man.

"You're tired."

All it took was those two words. Fey slumped to the ground, reverting to his normal form as the old man's word echoed throughout the room.

"You... you..."

"You are tired."

The old man's voice was hoarse, as if he had been yelling for hours on end. On some level, Fey understood that the man had been channeling his magic through his voice, and he'd put quite a bit of his magic into the words 'You're Tired.'

"No, you're tired..." Fey said weakly. He understood the technique and how to do it, but the old man's spell combined with his lack of magic power made the words seem like little more than a weak taunt.

"Ah, you're trying to use my powers against me. Unfortunately for you, I am immune to the effects of the compelling voice." The old man walked over to Fey. He tapped his staff on Fey's head.

"You..."

"Yes, me. I am Aruman of No Color, and I am the leader of the Cult of Pratonic. And you are my new second-in-command." Aruman created a small sphere of Void energy in the palm of his hand. Against his will, Fey shifted into his silver form, and Aruman slipped the Voidsphere into Fey's body. It quickly took root, corrupting Fey...


	7. The Destrucining

An oiled, muscled man with a blond mullet was working out in his personal gym, screaming nonsensically while doing so.

"I AM THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!" he said. "my goal is to defeat hoakogan, my ETERNAL RIVAL!" He grabbed some fine china and smashed it with his head, then picked up a giant log and threw it through several panes of glass.

"YOU! THE READER! I KNOW THAT YOU ARE WATCHING ME!" He looked directly at the fourth wall. "you will assist the warrior in his MOMENT OF TRIUMPH! GLORY AND FAME COME TO THOSE WHO TRULY DESIRE IT, AND ALL GLORY GOES TO THE WARRIOR!"

"Will we go to space?" Space Core asked.

"SPACE CORE! YOU ARE CERTAINLY A WELL-ROUNDED CHARACTER and not an annoying meme..." Warrior said. He picked up a dull sword. "i must return the destrucity to my father's +5 sword of bitchslapping..."

"It's made of space iron!" Space Core said.

"now, let us embark on THE JOURNEY OF DESTRUCITY!" Warrior swung his sword at some other swords, cleanly cutting them in half. "SEE MYTHBUSTERS! IT can be done... NOW! READER! IF YOU DO NOT ASSIST ME, I WILL hunt you down and feed you to my evil dingos..."

"What's a reader?" Space Core asked.

"A FAKE DOOR! THIS displeases the warrior..." Warrior charged his fists with lightning and punched the fake door, which exploded.

You defeated the fake door! a random voice said. The party received 4000 EXP!

"NOW I AM LEVEL 10!" Warrior shouted. "I LEARNED the destrucity lightning technique..."

"Let's go now." Space Core said. "To space." he hastily added.

"YES!" Warrior and Space Core left his house, but as they opened the door to the outside world, a familiar figure jumped out of a nearby bush!

"HOAKOGAN!" Warrior said. "YOUR AFFLUENCE MAKES A NONSENSE OF THE REGULATIONS!"

"Lemme tell ya somethin', brother." Hulk Hogan said. "If you want your destrucity back, you gotta defeat my 4 Bushido Blaster Captains!"

"I WOULD KILL EVERYONE IN HELL TO get you, hoakogan..."

"You... You might wanna rephrase that, brother. I mean, we get enough accusations of bein' gay..."

"We'll pursue you to space and back."

"K then. But you're too weak to challenge my Hulkamania, so fight these Sad Onions while I get away." Hulk Hogan disappeared, replaced by three Sad Onions.

"DEPRESSED ASPARAGLES! I WILL SACRIFICE YOU TO DESTRUCITY!" Warrior jumped onto one of the Sad Onions and started viciously consuming it, making it cry.

"X-Zone!" Space Core opened a rift in spacetime, sending the other two Sad Onions to the Void. Warrior used his Destrucity Lightning to fry the last Sad Onion.

"WITH ONIONS!" Warrior said as he finished eating the last few scraps. "NOW i feel powerful..."

"We sent them to Space Hell."

"BUT HOAKOGAN ESCAPED!" Warrior cried out. "I'LL get you next time, hoakogan... NEXT TIME!"

Warrior and Space Core left the house. In the distance, they saw a colosseum.

"THAT COLOSSEUM WAS NOT THERE YESTERDAY!" Warrior said. "LET'S INVESTIGATE IT!"

They ran over to the colosseum. Upon entering it, they noticed that the inside was a freshly-trimmed grass field with a red-and-white ball-shaped symbol on it.

"WHO ARE YOU?" Warrior asked the man standing on the other side of the stadium. He was wearing purple clothing and an Abe Lincoln hat.

"I'm Purple!" the Pokemon Trainer said. "I'm a Pokemon Trainer! And I'm the first of Hulk Hogan's Captains!"

"POKEMON ARE THE DEVIL!" Warrior said. "THEY promote evolution and HARRY POTTER!"

"But you own all of the Pokemon games." Space Core pointed out.

"i play them so i KNOW WHAT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ON THE INTERNET!"

"But by buying all of the games, you support Nintendo! Which means they'll keep making more games!" Purple said.

"YOU ARE WRONG! NOW SHOW ME YOUR POKEYMANS!"

"Go! Zubat!" Purple threw a Pokeball, which let out a blue bat.

"GO METAGROSS!" Warrior responded with his own Pokeball, which contained a metal spider-like creature with a giant mouth on its belly. "METAGROSS, use metal claw..." Metagross grabbed the Zubat in one of its legs and ate it whole.

"Oh no! Zubat fainted!" Purple recalled Zubat. "Go, Rattata! I stole it from that annoying Joey kid, so it's gotta be good!"

"Wait, why do you have a Pokemon?" Space Core asked.

"METAGROSS IS AWESOME! IT'S A PSYCHIC SPIDER TANK! LIKE a tachikoma, but less cute and more badass..." Warrior said.

Metagross took out Purple's Rattata, Magikarp, Tentacool and Geodude.

"Down to my last mon..." Purple muttered. "Go, Dialga!"

"WHAT?" both Warrior and Metagross exclaimed.

"ZA WARUDO!" Dialga stopped time, then jumped into the sky. It descended with a "ROAD ROLLER DA!", dropping a steamroller on Metagross. But it wasn't very effective due to being a Normal-type attack, so Metagross survived.

Now free to move again, Metagross used Earthquake, which was super-effective! But due to being trained for Defense EVs, it also survived.

"NOW I WILL CATCH IT! GO, SPACE CORE!" Warrior grabbed Space Core, and pressed its eye, popping it open. He threw Space Core at Dialga, and pressed B and Down; the ball shook three times, and it was successful!

"Hey! You can't do that!" Purple said.

"SPACE CORE IS a snag ball..." Warrior said. "now you are OUT OF POKEMON!"

Purple ran out of Pokemon! Purple blacked out... The Trainer faded away.

"ANOTHER ADVERSARY SACRIFICED TO DESTRUCITY!" Warrior said. "AND I CAUGHT DIALGA!"

"Hooray! Let's keep going!" Space Core said.

They left the colosseum and kept walking, coming across a mountain range. There was a winding path through the mountains, with a small clearing about halfway; they took a break there.

But a portal opened! Two giant robots stepped out of it.

"Greetings!" The first of the robots was Disco Megatron! He had reformatted his body into his Animated incarnation, and was sporting a pair of shades and a 'fro.

"I HATE ROBOTS!" Warrior proclaimed. "YET I SURROUND MYSELF WITH THEM because they are the only ones who can bear to LISTEN TO MY RAMBLINGS!"

"You're from space!" Space Core said gleefully. "Can you take me to space?"

"In time, little one." Disco Megatron said. "We saw you fight Purple."

"And we decided to ignore Mook Chivalry and attack you together." the second robot, which was orange and blue, said. For some reason, he was air-dashing all over the place.

"I say!" Dialga, who had a fake British accent for some reason, said.

"Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Disco Megatron..."

"... and I'm Dat Mango Sentinel."

"Second and third Captains of Hulk Hogan, respectively." Disco Megatron half-heartedly bowed.

"I'LL CHOP YOUR HEADS OFF!" Warrior cried, brandishing his dulled sword. He started hacking away at Disco Megatron's leg, dodging his gun blasts and whatnot with his surprising speed. Space Core knew that most bosses have immunity to instant death, so he instead used Meteor, bombarding both robots with tiny meteors.

"I do believe it's my turn!" Dialga said. "Roar of Time!" Dialga went back in time a few seconds and ripped one of Disco Megatron's arms off, and when it returned to the present, the damage had been done.

"Curses!" Disco Megatron said. "These fleshbags are proving to be quite a nuisance."

"What, are you gonna die again?" Mango Sentinel taunted.

"Quiet!" Disco Megatron growled. "I'm asserting control over you. It's time for the you-know-what!"

"Huh? What do you mean 'you-know-what?'" Mango Sentinel asked.

"You dumbass!" Disco Megatron slapped Mango Sentinel in the back of the head. "What do you think I mean? We're gonna combine!"

"We're gonna combine?" Mango Sentinel said, obviously dumbfounded.

"THEY'RE GONNA combine?" Warrior growled.

"They're gonna combine!" Space Core said.

"I say, they are going to merge their mechanical bodies!" Dialga said exquisitely.

"Stop ripping us off!" Kamina came out of nowhere and yelled.

"Let's Do It! Symmetrical Docking!" Mango Sentinel's torso split in half. Disco Megatron leapt on top of Mango Sentinel's legs, and his own legs folded up behind his back and his feet turned into cannons. Mango Sentinel's arms and the back side of his torso attached to Disco Megatron's back, converting into a jetpack; the front side of his torso split in half again and attached to his legs, and his head took its place in Megatron's chest.

"We are... MANGOTRON!"

"that's the LEAST THREATENING NAME EVER!" Warrior bellowed. "Destrucitic Energy!" Warrior flexed his biceps and unleashed a Kamehameha from his pecs, vaporizing Mango Sentinel's head and a good portion of Megatron's chest.

"Enough!" Mangotron shouted. "Mango Attack1" Mangoes started raining from the sky, slightly inconveniencing the heroes.

"That is a rather ineffecient attack." Dialga commented.

"But it gives my next attack 100% accuracy!" Mangotron said smugly. "TROPICAL BLIZZARD!" He pointed his cannon at the heroes and started drenching them with all kinds of flavors of juice.

"OH GOD, IT'S IN MY EYES!" Warrior clutched his eyes and fell to the ground. "IT BURNS!"

"It's rusting me!" Space Core cried.

"My word." Dialga said. "ZA WARUDO!" Time stood still. "OUTRAGE!"

White-hot flames engulfed Dialga. It jumped at Mangotron; the time stop ended, just in time for Mangotron to see a giant fiery metal dragon god flying at them. Mangotron tried quenching the fire with another Tropical Blizzard, but Dialga's flames burned hot enough to instantly boil the juice, giving it a refreshing tropical scent.

"HYPER BEAM!" Dialga concentrated his flames near his mouth, and he fired a beam of fiery energy right through Mangotron's chest. The Disco Megatron portion of the robot was instantly vaporized, and the legs melted into slag.

"That may have been a bit too much." Dialga said, powering down.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" Warrior demanded.

"I was merely serving my master."

"OH RIGHT." They continued on.

They came to a staircase which seemed to go on forever. They walked up it, until they exited the atmosphere... and came to a floating glass platform, high above the planet.

"Oh my god! I'm in SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!" Space Core cheered. Somehow, there was an atmosphere here.

"I SEE NO CAPTAINS!" Warrior said while looking around. "I MUST continually beat up others to INFLATE MY OWN EGO! AND WHERE ARE THE SPACESHIPS? I MUST LOAD THEM WITH THE ROCKET FUEL."

"We're stopping here." Space Core said. "We're not moving on.

"WHAT IS the meaning of this, space core?" Warrior wondered.

"I'm secretly the fourth Space Captain!" Space Core said.

DA-NAAAA!

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, SPACE CORE!"

"Transform into super-special-awesome space captain angel form."

Space Core grew an angelic body, which was equipped with an astronaut helmet over his core body, which served as the head.

"This betrayal can not be allowed!" Dialga said. "HYPER BEAM!" He fired a beam of energy at Space Core, but he blocked it with some kind of force field.

"Only space attacks will work on me." Space Core said. He waved one of his arms, and the stairway collapsed behind them. He waved another, blasting Warrior to the edge of the platform.

"NO! MY QUEST FOR DESTRUCITY DEW HAS NOT BEEN SATISFIED!" Warrior started floating around. "I... WILL... NOT... STAND FOR THIS!"

What's this? Warrior is evolving!

insert music here

Warrior evolved into Ultrawarrior! He gained a suit of space armor and ten more inches of mullet.

"SPACE CORE! YOU HAVE BETRAYED SHIVA!" Warrior opened his mouth, firing a wave of pure destrucity at Space Core. Space Core deflected most of it with his shield, but he still took some notable damage. Dialga fired another Hyper Beam, breaking Space Core's shield and forcing him to take the full force of both blows.

"Noooooo" Space Core said. In desperation, he transformed into an even bigger monster.

"OKAY! dialga, we must DO THE FUSION DANCE!"

"But sir! That won't work!" Dialga protested.

"GOOD POINT. space core, you will FEEL THE POWER of the warrior!" Warrior started firing frickin' laser beams all over the place, cutting off most of Space Core's appendages.

"ZA WARUDO! ROAR OF TIME!" Dialga traveled back to the moment of Space Core's betrayal and crushed him, creating a paradox that removed Space Core from existence.

"WE HAVE DONE IT!" Warrior said. "now we must remove the last obstacle to our challenge... HOAKOGAN!"

Another glass staircase appeared, again leading upward. They kept going, until they reached a more grandiose glass platform with a throne and everything. Sitting upon the throne was Hulk Hogan, looking very bored.

"So you made it here, brother." Hogan got up. "Good to see you didn't chicken out."

"HOAKOGAN! I HAVE REGAINED MY DESTRUCITY!" Warrior held up his sword, which crackled with the light of destrucity. It then revealed its true form as the +5 Sword of Bitchslapping - in fact, it was two swords. Warrior held a sword in each hand, crossing them above his head.

"and tonight at wrestlemania, everyone will FEEL THE POWER OF THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!" Space lightning radiated from the swords.

"Good luck with that, brother." Hogan looked unimpressed. "But you won't win. See, I've been doing a few things on the side. I've made some very powerful connections, and I've learned a few techniques that'll make you run home to Mama!"

"I RUN FROM NO MAN, HOAKOGAN!"

"But would you run from... five? SHADOW CLONE JUTSU!" Hogan split into five separate Hogans, each of which was as powerful as Hogan alone.

"WHAT DEVILTRY IS THIS!" Warrior said.

"Yeah, these 24-inch pythons got some friends, dude!" all of the Hogans said in unison. "Whatcha gonna do when the Hulk Hogan Bros. run wild all over you?"

"We shall not falter!" Dialga said. "You have insulted our honour, and that shall not be allowed!"

"ENOUGH TALK! HAVE AT YOU!" Warrior swung his swords, firing ball lightning at the Hogans. One of the Hogans punched the ball lightning, detonating it and causing a chain reaction that shocked and stunned all five Hogans.

Metagross reappeared out of nowhere and used Earthquake, shattering the glass platform and causing all of them to plummet into the atmosphere. Dialga, Metagross and Warrior's armor shielded them, but the Hogans were not so lucky; despite being superhumanly tough, all but one of them burned up on re-entry.

They landed on an island in the middle of an ocean. Hogan (the real one) was still not down for the count, and he punched Warrior. Warrior parried the attack and kneed Hogan in the stomach, knocking him down; he then held both of his swords over Hogan's neck.

"HOAKOGAN! NOW YOU WILL BECOME PART OF DESTRUCITY!" Warrior administered the coup de grace, beheading Hogan.

...But his head reattached to his neck, and he got up.

"Huh? What's happenin', brother?" Hogan wondered. "I'm not dead!"

"By all accounts, we should have burned up in the atmosphere!" Dialga exclaimed. "And with Hogan's sudden resurrection... Or perhaps he never died in the first place!"

"Ha ha! Come here, my Captains!" Purple, Disco Megatron, Mango Sentinel and Space Core all appeared behind Hogan, good as new.

"Huh? I thought I was dead." Purple said. "Is this the afterlife, or what?"

"I don't think so, brother!" Hogan said. "Somethin must've happened to Death! Now we can't die!"

"ENOUGH OF YOUR WITCHCRAFT, HOAKOGAN!" Warrior ran Hogan through with both swords, and wiggled them around for good measure. But once he removed them, Hogan regenerated from the wounds.

"Ah ha!" Hogan laughed for a good minute. "I'm going to have quite a bit of fun torturin' you guys for all eternity!" He looked at his Captains. "Come on, brothers. It's time to combine!"

All five villains turned into energy and combined into one large glowing sphere; the sphere plunged into the ocean, and from it emerged a big fucking dragon, easily dwarfing the island.

"Good luck, brothers!" Fusion Hogan laughed. He fired a Megaflare Beam at the island, completely vaporizing it, but Warrior and co. regenerated completely.

"I'm afraid we can't win this fight, Warrior." Dialga said.

"STOP LYING TO ME!" Warrior threw his swords, and both landed in Fusion Hogan's eyes. He roared in pain. Dialga and Metagross fired a Double Hyper Beam, leaving a huge bloody gash across Fusion Hogan's torso.

"RRRARRGH!" Fusion Hogan fired Megaflare Beams all over the place, boiling large swaths of the ocean. The vapor kickstarted the weather cicle, and a giant hurricane formed; Fusion Hogan and the Warrior's group were in the eye.

Warrior recalled his swords, and used his space armor to fly up to Hogan's head. He combined the two swords into a single gigantic sword, and thrust it right through Fusion Hogan's head.

"Stop, Warrior!" Dialga shouted. "The key is to badly injure him! If you kill him, he'll just regenerate!"

"GOOD! Warrior yelled. "I WILL KILL YOU AS MANY TIMES AS I DESIRE, HOAKOGAN!"

"Ha! Good luck!" Fusion Hogan grabbed Warrior in his massive hand, piercing his armor with his shaved-to-an-atom-fine claws. Dialga and Metagross had run out of Hyper Beams, so they were making do with lesser attacks. And all through the battle, the hurricane raged, pelting all of them with hail, wind and lightning.

And then it stopped. Time was frozen, but all of them were still aware - even Dialga could not move. An extremely pale woman wearing black appeared.

"NO! NOT YET!" Fusion Hogan summoned up all of his strength and broke the time freeze, attempting to grab the woman. She raised up a single finger, stopping the mighty dragon's hand.

"My, you've been a bad boy."

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE! NOT YET!" Fusion Hogan fired a Megaflare Beam at her, but she was no worse for wear.

"Tsk, tsk. You should have died a long time ago, Hogan." She placed her hand on Fusion Hogan, and he vanished.

Warrior instinctively knew who this woman was. This woman was more than a god; she was beyond any other entity in the universe, perhaps more powerful than any of her six siblings. She was Death, of the Endless.

"Sorry folks." Death sounded a bit sad. "The situation's a bit complicated, but let's just say that this world's psychopomp is... indisposed."

"We should have died before."

"'Fraid so. And Mr. Hollywood there killed you a few more times."

"THE WARRIOR DOES NOT DIE! THE WARRIOR'S SPIRIT TRANSCENDS TIME AND SPACE, REINCARNATED IN THE SOULS OF WARRIORS PAST AND PRESENT!"

"...right." Death gave him a weird look. "Anyways, you guys have a choice to make. You can move... onward, or you can stick around until this world's Death comes back. He probably won't be as nice as me, though."

"Wait, you're supposed to be the ultimate incarnation of Death, right? Why are there other Deaths running around, then?"

"They're middle-management. Anyways, your choice."

"...I'll move on." Dialga walked away into the light, and Metagross followed.

"WAIT! I WISH TO..."

"What?"

"THE TERRAIN OF TESTAMENT!" Warrior said. "I WISH TO GO TO THE TERRAIN OF TESTAMENT!"

"Hmm..." Death looked around for a bit. "Yeah, I think I can arrange that."

"Hold on!" SpacE Core reappeared. "I wish to come with you to space!"

"SPACE CORE!1 I KNEW YOU WOULD NOT FORSAKE ME!" A portal opened to a featureless plain. Warrior and Space Core stepped through it, and the portal closed behind them.

"Ugh. What a pain." Death shrugged. She disappeared...


	8. Death Takes a Holiday

"Uh... where am I?"

"Welcome to die!" A skeletal figure dressed in blue robes and carrying a scythe stood upon a beach, gazing at an old-timey pirate ship. His bones rattled as he spoke his raspy, evil words.

"Wait, what?" A voice came from the ship, but the Reaper saw no crewmen aboard it. Indeed, he didn't sense any specific life force either; the entire ship pulsed with old magics.

"Ah!" the Reaper said. "You must be Bate, the famed Flying Dutchman! How fitting that you ended within my icy grasp..." The Reaper exhaled, freezing the water instantaneously. The boat, apparently named Bate (insert jokes here), rocked from side to side, pushed by an invisible force, but the ice of Death was far more durable than anything in the mortal realm.

"Yeah, I'm Bate. But who are you?" the boat asked.

"I am the Reaper, and I am here to harvest your soul!" The Reaper glided on the ice, and he placed a bony finger on Bate's hull. He lowered his hood, revealing his head; blood bled from his eye, nose and mouth, and Bate could barely see a living, pulsing brain within his skull. (How Bate could see was another matter entirely, but let's just say that he can see, hear and speak like a human.)

"Soul? I don't think I have a soul." Bate said hastily. "I mean, I've had lots of crew aboard me throughout the ages, and a little bit of each of them remains on board even when they pass on, but I don't think it's much more than a little bit of magic..."

"Indeed! You are a vast collection of magical energy!" The Reaper said, metaphorically licking his lips. "And once I take it for myself, I will finally qualify for promotion! Soon, I will be a Star Reaper!"

"No, I'm not dead yet!"

All Bate could remember about his 'death' was... tentacles. Lots and lots of tentacles. But even if a giant squid had attacked him, he would have survived that; he'd been attacked by many a squid, and his hull was both far more durable than any other ship on the sea, and he could survive underwater for years at a time if necessary.

"Is that so? Because by my standards, getting dragged into the depths of the ocean would destroy any normal ship..." The Reaper started to drain Bate's energy through his hand.

"But I'm not a normal ship! You've fudged the rules!" Bate said.

"What? No!" The Reaper recoiled. "Curse those... rules..."

"I've dealt with psychopomps before! All of you are bound by rules!" Bate said triumphantly. "And breaking the rules... means that you yourself get reaped!"

Bate turned all of his port-side cannons to focus on Death, and fired all of them simultaneously. He needed no powder or cannonballs; his weapons were fueled by the same magics that animated him. And besides, normal weapons wouldn't work against a psychopomp.

"NO!" The Reaper said as the cannonballs reduced his body to bone meal. Only his head was intact, and even that was badly damaged; his exposed brain was gray-green and rotted, only kept alive by an endless blood geyser within his skull.

"And now, it's time for a finishing move!" Bate's sails opened, as yellow-white energy gathered upon the deck. "MAGNA PARALYZE!"

A burst of electricity reduced the Reaper's skull and brain to ash. But the Reaper's spirit survived the destruction of his corporeal body, which was the point of the Paralysis spell; it would keep him immobilized until another psychopomp could truly dispose of him.

"Hold on a minute." Bate said to himself. "I just... killed a psychopomp. That can't be good."

The unearthly ice melted, and what remained of the Reaper sunk into the sand. Bate could still feel a presence, but the Paralyze spell would not wear off for at least 20 years, or until someone healed it.

Bate looked out to sea. This world seemed to be stuck in perpetual sunset; the orange sun hovered just above the ocean, and unmoving dark clouds were liberally splotched across the sky, as if the sky was a gigantic canvas. It was unsettling, to say the least.

As a so-called "flying dutchman", Bate was not just bound to the water... at least, on most of the worlds he had visited. Bate tried sailing onto dry land, but he was unable to force himself upon the beach.

"Odd." Bate said. Was this some sort of side-effect of killing the Reaper? And what other side effects would there be? Oh well, it'd be dealt with in time. But for now, Bate was stuck in the sea. Might as well make the most of it.

Bate sailed near the shoreline. Eventually, he came across a city, built on several small islands. The canals between the islands were wide and deep enough for him to sail through, giving him a good look at the relatively modern-looking city.

"Excuse me." he asked a man, sitting on the edge of a canal with his son.

"Daddy, look! A talking boat!" the son said excitedly.

"Indeed. I've not seen one of those since... ever." the man remarked. "How can I help you, uh... sir?"

"Where is this?" Bate asked.

"Ah! This is Valtameri, the City of Water." the man said proudly. "What're ya looking for?"

"...Information, really. I'm not exactly sure where this is."

"Is that so?" The man looked confused. "Well, keep heading up the coast. Supposedly there's a Great Sage living in the wilds, maybe he'll be able to help you."

"I see. Thank you." Bate flung a few golden coins at the man. The coins were minted with a distinctly inhuman face, but hey, gold is gold. The man and his son waved as Bate continued on, using his innate compass sense to head to the North.

And that was one of the many things that bugged Bate. He wasn't entirely clear on his own origin; his earliest memory was greeting his at-the-time captain, followed by the crew going crazy and killing each other. So where did he get all of his powers from? It only seemed natural that he had a built-in compass, or that he could see, hear and move on his own, and no amount of research on conjuration/animation magic shed any light upon his origin.

But that was a thought for another time. Bate sailed through the city, admiring its impressive construction; even in perpetual twilight, the buildings seemed to shine. Onlookers pointed and wondered about the seemingly unmanned boat sailing through their city, but no one impeded him.

Soon after, the city gave way to a shoreline, which gave rise to a steep, hilly area. Bate had difficulty with steep terrain; even if he could travel on land, he probably couldn't climb this cliff. He kept heading along the shoreline, until it gave way to a small bay.

Near the mouth of the river feeding into the bay was a small log cabin, obviously constructed by something. As Bate approached it, an old, wizened man in gray robes stepped out of it.

"Welcome, Bate." The man took his hat off and bowed. "I am Gandalf the Gray, and I've been waiting for you."

"Huh? How'd you know about me?" Bate asked.

"I sensed your magic when you first came to this world." Gandalf said, pointing to his temples. "I assume that you have something to do with the time stopping?"

"Huh? Time stopping?"

"Indeed." Gandalf pointed his wizard staff to the horizon, where the sun still hung over the sea. "I imagine that the people of this world have only started to notice it. But ever since your arrival, the sun has hung in the sky."

"I just thought that was natural?"

"No, my friend. Though this world has a somewhat longer day than my own home, there are still days and nights."

"I don't think I did anything, though. I'm not even sure how I came to be here."

"Ah, but I do." Gandalf said something, opening a dark portal, which crackled with electricity. "You were brought here so that someone, or something, could drain your magical power. I've detained one of their agents, but it seemed to gain some of your power in the interim - and in order for you to get it back, you'll have to kill it."

A figure as tall as Bate himself stepped out of the portal. He was overall humanoid, but somewhat stocky, with blue and purple tentacles covering most of his body. His beard was magnificent.

"I'M AN ABOMINATION!" it screamed, visibly in pain.

"...what?"

"Just hurry up and fight it." Gandalf magicked away, leaving the two staring at one another.

"MAGNA POISON!" Bate opened up a portal to a plane of acid beneath Abom, badly damaging it and poisoning it - but Abom's horrific regeneration kept pace with the poison.

"OH GOD WHY!" Abom reached into the tentacles around its torso and pulled its own heart out, crushing it between its meaty fingers - but it regenerated its heart.

"What? Why would you do that?" Bate fired his magical cannons at Abom, leaving several holes in its body that it healed instantly. Abom ripped some of the tentacles away and threw them pathetically at Bate. The detached tentacles started to regrow on their own, forming a spider-like creature.

"MAGNA BURN!" The tentacle spider burst into flame, utterly destroying it.

"YES! PURGE ME IN FLAME!" Abom ripped its own arm off and ran into the shallow water, beating Bate's hull with its own arm. Bate was naturally resistant, though if those tentacles started growing through him... well, he didn't want to think about that. Unfortunately, he was almost out of MP, so he really hoped his fire would work...

Bate cast another Magna Flame, centering it within Abom's torso. Abom screamed in pain and ran into the ocean, but no water could quench the flames of the Magna Burn; it would burn until its target was gone. Of course, if no target was specified, at least it couldn't burn in space...

But Abom was no worse for wear. Magna Burn was designed specifically to counteract healing factors, and it should have been weak to fire in all its forms... but the flame didn't spread beyond the inside of its body.

"WHY WON'T I DIE!" Abom yelled.

"Wait... The Reaper!" Bate exclaimed. "I killed the psychopomp of this world!"

"You did WHAT?" Gandalf reappeared.

"He broke the rules! He tried to claim my power unrightfully." Bate said.

"I see..." Gandalf shook his head. "But what would possess you to reap a psychopomp? If it broke the rules, another one should have immediately appeared. How strange..."

"NOOO!" Abom screamed in despair.

"Hmm. I will need to do some research on my own." Gandalf waved his staff. "You can now travel on land, Bate. Go to the town of Kaivos, northwest of here, and meet up with my contact."

"Can do. But what about this guy?" Bate turned toward Abom.

"It'll go with you."

"I SEEK ONLY DEATH! WILL YOU KILL ME?"

"Yep."

"OK." Abom jumped onto Bate. They 'sailed' on land, hovering over the thick forest.

As they proceeded northwest, the forest transitioned to a grassy plain, and then to a desert in the rain shadow of a mountain range. A small town sat at the base of the range, tightly clustered around the river that likely was the only thing keeping their town thriving. The sky was slightly brighter, though the clouds were still stationary.

"Wait, it occured to me that we have no idea who his contact is." Bate said. "Any ideas?"

"YES! THAT HOUSE!" Abom pointed at a random house. He knocked on the door, and a teenage girl with dark hair answered.

"Hello?"

"Oh HELL no!" Bate recognized this girl; he'd seen her in a concert on another world. Her music was extremely annoying, yet oddly catchy...

"KILL IT WITH FIRE!" Abom, also seemingly recognizing the girl, reached into his chest to pull some of the fire within out, but his hand wouldn't light up.

"Oh, you're the guys Gandalf sent." Rebecca Black said.

"No. No, no, no." Bate said. "I don't care, I'm not working with you."

"Okay, listen. I don't know why you don't like me, but we've got to work together on this. We need to go speak to the Moon God, and I'm the only one who knows his language."

"We'll figure something out."

Rebecca sighed. "Don't make me charm you with my voice. I can do that, you know."

Bate laughed, and Rebecca frowned.

"I warned you." Rebecca started to sing her trademark song.

"MAKE IT STOP!" Abom ripped its ears out.

"Okay, fine! We'll work together!"

"That's what I thought." Rebecca said, grinning. "Come on, let's go."

She climbed up on Bate, and they sailed upwards. Bate was able to climb the mountain, though somewhat slowly.

On the way, Rebecca gave some exposition. Both her and Gandalf were members of an organization called "The Light Brigade"; at the moment, they were dedicating most of their resources to combating another group, called the "Life Preservation Organization".

Both her and Gandalf were on this particular planet to liberate the locals from the LPO's control, as well as recover a stolen artifact that they could use to turn the tide of the conflict. But they both figured that restoring this world's psychopomp was more important at the moment; once that was taken care of, they'd go back to searching for the artifact.

"And let me guess, you want us to join your brigade?" Bate asked.

"Well, Gandalf focuses more on that, but I'm sure he'd let you in if you asked." Rebecca said. "Wait, hang on. I'm getting something..."

"RRRRARGH!" A werewolf burst through the mountain, landing on Bate's deck. He growled menacingly at Rebecca.

"Ah! That's one of the guardians of the Moon God!" Rebecca said.

"The Moon God is not accepting visitors at the moment!" the werewolf said. He jumped on Rebecca and tore her throat out, but since that qualified as fatal damage, she regenerated immediately after.

"That's why we need to speak to the Moon God!" Rebecca threw the werewolf off of her. "Wait, how about an offering? Baked Apple Pie From Scratch!"

Carl Sagan and James Hetfield appeared, did the Fusion Dance, and combined into the form of... a pie. The werewolf sniffed it, then dug in; once he was done, he just went back to killing Rebecca.

"GO AWAY!" Abom picked the werewolf up and chucked him off the deck. He tumbled down the mountain and out of view.

"That probably wasn't a good idea." Rebecca said. "You just made him angry."

"WHY MUST MY LIFE BE ENDLESS TORMENT?" Abom wondered.

They continued sailing up the mountain. They were reaching the peak of the tallest mountain; they could just barely make out a small shrine atop it. As they approached it, they saw a white beam of light fired upwards from the shrine, piercing the heavens and calling down the Moon God.

"Wait, that's not the Moon God!" Rebecca exclaimed. It appeared to be the Moon, but it had an ugly-ass face and glowing orange eyes. It stared right at them as it descended.

Rebecca sang in an old language, which was astonishingly beautiful; even the Evil Moon God couldn't help but shed a tear. The tear fell upon Bate, blessing both him and Abom with the gift of a magical translator.

"BLARG I AM DA MOON GOD." Da Moon God announced, though it didn't move its lips.

"You're a fake! The real Moon God is a crescent with a face!" Rebecca shouted.

"CURSES! FOILED AGAIN." Da Moon said. "BUT I WILL CRUSH ALL OF YOU! EVEN IF YOU CAN'T DIE, YOU'LL ALL SUFFER UNDER MY WEIGHT!" Da Moon kept falling, increasing speed with every passing second.

"We've gotta stop it!" Rebecca said. She started singing "Rotted Body Landslide" in reverse, spontaneously generating a crapton of apparently healthy people and flinging them at Da Moon. (They exploded on impact, of course.) Abom opened his mouth wide, directing the flames in his chest at Da Moon, severely scorching the latter's face.

"Alright, this is serious." Bate said. "I'm going to have to pull out my ultimate technique! MAGNA GENTLE STATUE PUSH!"

An absolutely massive statue (roughly three times the size of Da Moon) appeared in orbit. It gently pushed Da Moon, but due to the statue's mass, it completely tore Da Moon apart.

"OH SHIT!" Da Moon screamed as it was ripped to shreds.

Then... the sky turned pitch-black. Bate, Abom and Rebecca stood in complete silence for a few minutes, until a speck of light appeared on the horizon. The speck gradually expanded to fill up a good chunk of the sky with a gigantic colosseum, set behind a golden sky with fluffy clouds. They were pulled into the colosseum, where a gigantic blue man floated.

"You have served your purposes." The blue man waved his arm, creating a wave of antimatter that reduced all three of them to bits.

...But they reformed just as quickly.

"Who are you?" Bate asked.

"Death is the natural way of things. From the smallest bacteria, to entire universes... all things must have an end. But there are those who are unhappy with the natural order. I represent their interests to the universe at large, and it is I who arranged this chain of events.

"The psychopomp of this planet was easy to corrupt. I told him that if he could absorb the magic from you, Bate, he could get his promotion... but he broke the rules. By removing the Reaper from this world, it has become a paradise; no one here will age, get sick or die ever again."

"What kind of paradise is that?" Bate said. "Without death to motivate people, what purpose is there to life?"

"What does an ageless being such as yourself know of death?" the blue man said condescendingly. "It is the removal of death that gives life purpose. Without a limit on their lifespans, people will be able to achieve anything they desire. In time, they will become akin to gods."

"But you didn't answer my question. Who exactly are you?"

"I am Necron, the Darkness of Eternity. Once, I wished to end all things... but I have been shown the error of my ways. Now I will preserve all things for all times."

Necron created a barrier around himself. Rebecca started singing "Melodies of Life", breaking the shield; Bate fired away with his cannons, while Abom just jumped onto the being and started savagely attacking him. Necron forced Abom off, but it was just enough time to prepare a Combination Attack...

"BLACK FRIDAY!" Necron was bombarded by hundreds of trillions of gifts. Unfortunately, even for a reformed omnicidal force of nature, the power of love behind the gifts was still anathema to him.

"I will return." Necron vanished, returning Bate, Abom and Rebecca to the Moon God Shrine.

"So... did we just kill another psychopomp?" Bate asked.

"I think Necron is supposed to be symbolic of the struggle of life against death or something." Rebecca said.

"I THOUGHT HE WAS AN EVIL TREE." Abom said.

"No, that's Exdeath."

"Exodus? The evil demon computer thingy?"

"That is not what I said!"

"ULTIMECIA'S MY FAVORITE. THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE SAID ABOUT A HOT CHICK WITH MAGICAL POWERS."

"Ultimecia's a terrible villain! She didn't even do anything for the first three discs!"

"BUT SHE WAS PULLING THE STRINGS THE WHOLE TIME! SHE DOESN'T GET ENOUGH CREDIT FOR THAT!"

"Uh... guys?" Bate noticed the gigantic crescent moon with a face looming above them.

"I wish to thank you from the bottom of my heart, great heroes." the Moon God said. "That evil impostor sealed me away, but with its defeat, I am once again free. Now I can resume my duties of keeping time, as little as that will help."

"Wait, hang on. Wasn't defeating Necron what we had to do?" Bate asked.

"I am afraid not. I fear that a being such as Necron cannot be defeated by anything, whether mortal or divine." the Moon God said. "I believe that he is somehow preventing Death Inc. from reaplacing the psychopomp of this world, and I do not think anyone here has the power to stop him."

"Then what should we do?" Rebecca asked.

"Return to Valtameri. I sense a great evil emanating from the City of Water..."

Bate departed, and the Moon God rose into the sky. He looked into the future, but he saw only despair... 


	9. Masked Intentions

I looked into my cup of coffee. No messages tonight, I guess. I looked out the window; the sun was just about to set. Odd, it seemed to be taking a bit longer tonight. Might just be me. I'm not fully awake yet.

For most folks in Valtameri, their days begin and end with the sun. They ply their trade while the sun hangs in the sky, and at dusk, they return to their homes to get some sleep, in preparation for the next day.

I took a swig of coffee. It was lukewarm and bitter, but it did the trick. For most folks, their days were ending. But mine was just getting started.

My secretary knocked on my door, and peeked in.

"We have a customer." she said.

"Thank you, Miss Gwen. I will call you when I'm ready."

"Yes sir." She closed the door. I expected to catch up on my paperwork tonight, but of course, I had a walk-in. I stacked the sheets of paper scattered around my desk into a neat pile, and I reached for my mask. This was no ordinary hunk of wood; it was enchanted with some very nifty magic that allowed me to see through lies and illusions. As a bonus, it hid my face, and in my line of work, it's never a bad thing to have a few layers of anonymity.

Of course, I made no attempt to hide my name - after all, I need customers to support my business, and without a name, how would they find me? I'm sure they still could, but it would be difficult, to say the least. People all over the city knew my name and profession, but I could walk around in the daylight without having to worry about... enemies.

I walked to the door and opened it. Through the mask's eyes, I saw my customer - a green-haired young woman. Green hair? The only family I could think of with green hair was the Varkas Clan; but why would one of their brood come to me? I made it a point to not interfere with them.

"Oh, you're..." The young woman looked at me, with a strange expression on her face. She probably didn't expect the mask; most people know I wear one, but the actual design is somewhat difficult to describe.

"Please, come in." I opened the door, and she walked in. She sat down on the old, worn but comfortable chair in front of my desk. Gwen looked at me and smiled, and I nodded back. I closed the door and locked it.

"Mr. Tanner?" The woman sounded rightfully nervous.

"The one and only. How may I help one of your... stature tonight?" I asked. She looked around, clearly uncomfortable.

"Oh, I'm-"

"I want to make one thing clear, Miss Silf Varkas. I am fully aware of who you are, and if you're here to give me a warning from your father, I would like to pre-emptively ask you to leave."

"No, it's not like that at all!" The nervousness in her voice was gone, replaced by anger. Good. "See, my father... he's been meeting with a strange man for the past few weeks."

"And that surprises you?" I said. I knew I should probably be nicer to the girl, but I was not in the mood for bullshitting around.

"Well, no. But today, he told me that there were going to be... changes to Valtameri." She reached into her purse, and pulled out a black ring with a white gem set on top. Within the gem was a black sphere of some sort, but it wasn't just black - it was beyond black. I could feel powerful, deadly magic within it.

"What is this?" I asked.

"I don't know, but I thought you might." she said. "That strange man, I think he belongs to the Cult of Pratonic."

"I don't know what that is." I said. The Cult of Pratonic? It seemed to me that I'd heard that name before, but I couldn't remember where.

"That's why I came here." Silf looked right at me, and I could tell that she was not scared of me. "I want you to find out who they are and why they're here. The ring is the down payment."

"Very well." I took a small sheet of paper from the inside of my jacket, and I handed it to her. "Don't lose this. When the beacon turns red, come back here. We'll discuss the rest of the fee then."

"...Please, don't tell anyone else about this." she said.

"Of course." I stood up and bowed to her. "I pride myself on confidentiality. On the way out, would you mind asking the lady at the desk to come in here?"

"Oh, sure." As Silf left, she closed the door. I heard her and Gwen talking about something, though I couldn't make out what; it was probably her just asking about my eccentricities.

I looked at the ring she'd given to me. I was no wizard, but I knew a fair bit about magic; and the magic emanating from this ring was no mere fireball spell. It wasn't meant just for destruction, but absolute, total erasure of existence. And that baffled me; why would Chem Varkas, a well-known crime boss, want to completely erase something?

And spells that involved Void magic were dangerous, and Chem Varkas was also no wizard. Without an extremely powerful magic-user on hand, this spell would swallow up the entirety of Valtameri, at the least. Then again, if these Cult of Pratonic folks could create this thing, they could probably control it as well.

"Are you finally proposing to me?" Gwen commented as she looked at the ring between my fingers.

"Sorry, dear. I get my fill of your unique companionship as is." I snarked right back.

"Admit it, you love me." She took the ring from me, and examined it closely. "Void magic. That girl was a Varkas, correct? Why would a mafioso want to erase their business?"

"I've been wondering myself." I said. "She said something about the 'Cult of Pratonic'. Ever heard that name?"

"...One result found." Gwen's left eye twitched as she stood perfectly still for a few seconds; she then walked up to one of my bookshelves, picked up a seemingly random book, and flipped to page 291. "Secret of the Wheel... moving mechanica... Cult of Pratonic." She handed the book to me.

The page mentioned the Secret of the Wheel, an organization that I was somewhat familiar with. I'd dealt with them a couple of times; a few of them had set up shop in Valtameri, and they robbed a couple of banks to fund... something. I had no idea what they were after, but I managed to find their hideout, and both me and the Valtameri Police managed to detain them. I don't deal much with the police, but we're friendly enough.

According to this book, the Secret of the Wheel was a splinter group from the Cult of Pratonic. All it said about them is that they worshipped "The Void" and were specialists in Void magic, but that was it. I could've guessed the latter part from this ring.

"That's it?" I asked. "According to this, they're related to the Secret of the Wheel."

"...I can't find any more results." Gwen said after another brief search. "I'll send a request to the Library."

"Thanks, dear. I'm going to do some research on my own." She left, and I took off my mask. It was white, with strange red markings upon it; it was definitely unique. I switched to my street gear - a pinstriped black jacket and pants, a white shirt, white gloves and leather boots. I reached into my desk and found a small gold ring, and put it on; it increased my height by a few inches and changed my hair color from brown to jet-black. It wasn't much, but it was enough of a difference between Jone Tanner and my real identity. I put the mask back on, and grabbed my cane.

"See you later." Gwen said as I left. I exited my small office, and stepped into the street.

The sun still hung above the ocean. Something was wrong there, but I paid it little attention. My mind was on the hunt.

Jone Tanner was an information broker. I prided myself on knowing every little detail about Valtameri, its people and their dealings. Of course, I knew a lot more, but my customers were mostly focused on their own little lives. They hired me to spy on their spouses, or research magical effects, or, more rarely, deal with crimes that they felt the Police were dragging their feet with. Other things, too, but those were judged on a case-by-case basis.

Of course, I had something of a bad reputation among the upper class. I'd exposed more of the nobles' affairs and other illicit dealings than I cared to keep track of, and more than one family had tried to get me arrested, or at the very least, kicked out of town. None of them took, naturally.

As I walked down one of the canals, I noticed a boat with no crew sailing down one of the canals. I'd say that this was a strange night, but that felt like an understatement.

"Oi!" A tall, broad man ran up to me. "Ey, Jone! Nice to see ya! Wanna go fer a drink?"

"Ah, hello Oskar." Oskar was one of my... informants. I'd come to him for details in the past, and he was somewhat knowledgable about Valtameri's underworld - a place that, even if I was desperate for money, I stayed away from. "Sure, I guess I could go for a drink."

"Of course you can!" Oskar laughed. "Come on, let's go to the Leaky Mare."

We walked for about half an hour. Oskar regailed me with a story of a drunk he'd beaten up today; he was a security guard at the local branch of the Double Bank. I recalled that the Double Bank was one of the targets of the Secret of the Wheel, so I pressed him for a bit more information.

"Eh? I dunno, he was a drunk." Oskar said. "He didn't say anything about the Secret of the Wheel or anything."

"What did he look like?" I asked.

"Short, dark-haired, looked a bit shabby. I don't remember much about him." he said. My mask didn't register any lies, geases or any other magical modification to his memory, so it probably wasn't important.

We stepped into a small, run-down pub in a back alley. As always, the atmosphere was warm and inviting, and there were quite a few people enjoying a few drinks. The Leaky Mare wasn't generally this busy; perhaps it had something to do with the unusually-long sunset. No matter, it would take some of the attention away from us.

"Hey, it's Tanner!" A few of the patrons cheered as we walked in. I recognized a few of them, but their reaction was probably due to my busting up of the Serra Clan, the noble house that had been extorting the Mare and several other businesses in this area. Like I said, I don't get involved with the criminal underground of Valtameri, but as it turned out, all it took to unravel the Serra was the simple fact that the matriarch had gotten pregnant from abusing her son, and then kept the child secret from the world at large. Of course, they were already declining by that point, and the arrest of the matriarch was the last straw.

"Ha! I forgot that I was walking with a hero!" Oskar laughed. We sat down at one of the booths in the corner, and the waitress gave us menus; I ordered a hamsteak and a mug of their famous Great Mare brew, while Oskar just ordered a beer.

"So, what do you know about the Cult of Pratonic?" I asked.

"Huh? Name seems familiar..." Oskar said, scratching his head. "Do they have somethin' to do with the Secret of the Wheel?"

"Apparently." I said. I pulled out the ring Silf had given me, and I handed it to him. "One of my customers said that Chem Varkas is dealing with them."

"This thing has some bad vibes comin' off of it." Oskar said, frowning. "I'm not even a mage, 'n I can feel it."

"Void magic." I said. "I'm not sure how destructive this is, but I wouldn't be surprised if it could completely erase the entire city."

The waitress brought us our drinks. Oskar downed nearly half of the mug in a single swing, while I lifted up my mask and took a small sip. It was nice and cold, just like I liked it.

"And this thing came from the Varkas Clan?" Oskar said. "Ya sure? 'Cause completely erasin' the city doesn't seem like somethin' the Varkas would do." He handed the ring back to me, and I put it back in my pocket. It occurred to me that hauling an unknown, potentially city-erasing artifact around with me was probably a bad idea, but if I wanted to learn more about it, I didn't really have a choice.

"Yes, I thought the same thing too." I said. "Any ideas?"

"Hmm... Well, now that you mention it, I heard that Chem was dealin' with somethin' like that, but I've got no idea 'bout the Cult of Whatever."

The waitress came back with my food. Oskar and I chatted for about an hour; technically, I was on the clock, but the nice thing about being your own boss is setting your own hours. He gave me some useful information on another of my customer's cases, and after we said our goodbyes, I left the Leaky Mare.

The sun was still in the same place.

But I had no time to worry about that. I should probably get at least some work done tonight. Based on Oskar's reaction, I doubt any of my usual informants would know anything about the Cult of Pratonic.

I felt something burning in my pocket. I pulled out a small sheet of paper; the symbol on it was flashing red. So Gwen's request went through, and faster than usual, even. Good to know.

I started to head back to my office. I took a shortcut through an alley, which I immediately regretted; a few thugs, led by a hulking green-haired man, jumped me.

"Hey, Tanner!" His name was Thordain, and from what I understood, he was the main enforcer of the Varkases. "I've got a bone to pick with you!"

"Hmm? What is it?" I said nonchalantly. I disliked using physical force, but I could probably take him; it was his cronies that I was worried about.

"Word is that you took something very valuable from my sister, and we would like to politely request it back." he said sardonically. He knew he had control of this situation.

I reached into my pocket, and took the ring out. "Is this the one?"

"Yep." He reached for it, but I pulled it back.

"Tell me, Thordain. Why does your father have a ring enchanted with Void magic? If Valtameri's destroyed, doesn't that puts a damper on your profits?"

"Oh, so you wanna play twenty questions, huh?" Thordain motioned to one of his cronies, who threw him a katana. "Well, here's a question for you: how would you like to die?"

Before he could run me through, I smacked his hand with my cane. He yelled in pain and dropped the sword, but before I could grab it, his cronies jumped on me. I threw one of them off, but Thordain had grabbed his sword again; before I could block or disarm him again, I felt the cold steel pierce my throat.

I gasped in pain. He grinned sadistically, as he removed the sword from my throat. His cronies got off of me and took their place behind him; he raised his sword again and swung it down, cleanly cutting through the rest of my neck and spine.

They say that your brain stays active for a few seconds, or minutes, after you die. I looked up at the face of my killer as he handed his katana back to one of the men, who wiped it off. He reached down and grabbed my head; instinctively, I reached up and grabbed his arm.

Wait, what?

Obviously, he was also surprised. I took the opportunity to punch him in the chest, knocking him to the ground. I got up and grabbed my cane, and unscrewed the top; within it was a blue gem, which was enchanted with several castings of Sleep. I preferred to be prepared. I rapped the cane on the ground a few times, releasing a wave of energy that instantly put everything in a fifty-foot radius to sleep. It would only last for about a minute or so, so I got the hell out of there.

I felt my neck; it felt completely fine, with no cuts or anything. Well, it was attached to my body, which I'm pretty sure it wasn't a minute ago. Did my mask resurrect me somehow? I've never tried dying with it on, so I suppose it is one explanation; or perhaps the Void ring contained an auto-resurrect spell, even though it's, you know, made of Void magic.

Of course, it then occurred to me that the Varkas Clan knew I had their ring, and they were likely going to try and take it from me again. And I can't count on convenient resurrections to get me out of it. But at the same time, the ring was payment for my services, and I still needed to figure out what the Cult of Pratonic was, and why it made this thing.

I ran all the way back to my office; I was in decent shape, but I was running on adrenaline more than anything. I opened the door and ran in; in the main room, Gwen was holding down another green-haired man.

"We have a problem." Gwen said. She grabbed a knife and stabbed the man in the back of the head. He went limp, but once she removed the knife, the wound healed instantly, and he started struggling again.

"What the hell?" I asked.

"I don't understand either. But it appears that neither of us can permanently die." She held up the knife; I recognized the symbol of the Varkas Clan on the blade. So he brought that knife, and he used it on her...

"Yeah, I noticed. I was just decapitated by Thordain Varkas."

"So you lost your head?"

The man groaned. He was obviously a Varkas, but he looked older than Thordain; Chem had three sons, Thordain, Valki and...

"Baldric. Tell me, who is the Cult of Pratonic?" I asked.

"Huh? What's that?" he asked. "Wait, do you mean Aruman? I don't really like that guy."

Aruman? Now I had a name. And he wasn't lying to me... so why would he give up that name so easily?

"Tell me more." I said.

"My father, he's... that Aruman man did something to him. Brainwashed him or something."

"Let him go." I said to Gwen. She let go of Baldric's arms, and they both got up. Baldric stretched.

"Damn, girl, you're tough." he said to Gwen. "So, Silf gave you that ring, right?"

"Yes. She wanted me to find out more information about the Cult of Pratonic, and why they would make a Void ring." I said. "How is Silf?"

"I dunno. Father sent us out as soon as he noticed the ring was missing." He looked around uncomfortably. "Thordain's probably on his way here, too. You met him, right?"

"Yes." I said.

"He follows Father without question, even though he's been acting completely differently in the past few weeks. I..." He bowed his head. "I want your help. I know you're not the police or anything, but... I love my father, and if I get the police involved, they'll arrest all of us."

"Perhaps I should call the police?" I said condescendingly. "You've caused enough trouble in this city as it is."

"No, you don't understand!" Baldric said. "The Clans, we keep crime out of the city! If any freelance petty thieves show up, we throw them to the cops! And Father keeps the rest of the Clans in check, and they don't overstep their boundaries! If Father was killed... There'd be anarchy!"

I sighed. "And if I get caught working with you, I'll lose my business, at the least." And even if I don't, I'll lose any credibility I have with the police.

"If I may suggest something, I believe Baldric is correct about the Clans keeping crime organized. If the Cult of Pratonic wishes to get rid of them... well, I believe the phrase is 'Better the devil you know than the devil you don't'."

"...Fine." I wasn't happy about this, but at that point, the three of us were pretty much the only ones who could stop it before it escalated. "Do you know where this Aruman person is?"

"No, I have no idea." Baldric said. "But I think we should help my father first. He can at least get him to call off Thordain."

"Yes, I suppose so." I said. "Do you have any magic?"

"Nope. Don't need it." Baldric flexed his biceps.

"We won't be able to kill our way through your father's mansion this time." I handed him my cane, which still had 5 charges of Sleep. Gwen unlocked a drawer in the desk and pulled out two wands - another wand of sleep, and a wand of paralysis. She had innate abilities that would replicate those, so I took both wands and stuck them in my jacket pockets.

We left the office, and I noticed that the sky had finally changed - and not for the better. Now, it was completely black, without even a single star. The autotorches were lit, but the streets were still dark. We jumped into Baldric's waiting carriage.

"To the Mansion, quickly!" Baldric said.

"With passengers, sir?" the driver asked.

"Yes! Now do it!" The driver put the pedal to the metal, and the carriage literally started flying over the rooftops. I'd heard about these horseless carriages before, but they were prohibitively expensive - of course, being the son of a crime boss would remove that limitation.

It barely took five minutes to reach the Varkas Mansion, nestled in the hills overlooking Valtameri. There were some barriers around the mansion, but the driver dispelled them as we approached. He definitely didn't trust us, but Baldric was his master, so he probably didn't have a choice. We set down in front of the mansion's main doors.

"Open up!" Baldric said, but the doormen simply stood there.

"Sorry sir. We've been told to not left anyone in at the moment." one of the doormen said.

"That doesn't matter! I need to see my father, so let us in!" Baldric yelled.

"I'm afraid we can't do that." The doorman reached for his sword, but I grabbed one of my wands and Sleeped the bastard. The other doorman was put to sleep by Gwen's touch, while Baldric reached into one of the doorman's pockets and pulled a remote out, opening the door by pressing a button.

We went into the main hall of the mansion, but Thordain and Valki stood in front of us.

"So, you've turned on us, huh Baldy?" Valki taunted. He was the least physically-imposing of the three brothers, but the glint in his eye and his slasher smile told me all I needed to know.

"Father's been manipulated by that Aruman man. I've only brought these two here to break him out of it." Baldric protested.

"Sure you have. See, the thing is, something happened and we can't die anymore." Valki drew his katana and bisected Thordain with it; but the two halves of the latter reattached themselves, healing the wounds instantly.

"What? Why'd you do that!" Thordain drew his own katana and sliced off Valki's arm in retaliation. Unlike the other wound I'd seen thus far, Valki's arm didn't instantly reattach itself; Valki grabbed his severed arm and held it in place, but it just woundn't heal... until he keeled over from the pain, at which point he fully healed.

So, only fatal wounds are... fatal? Hmm.

"Get out of our way!" Baldric pointed my cane at the two idiots, putting them both to sleep. As we walked past them, though, Valki ran his sword right through my legs. I fell over, and screamed in pure agony. Gwen grabbed the sword and ripped it out of my legs (causing even more pain, of course) and cut off Valki's legs, then decapitated me again; I healed instantly.

"You'd lose your head if it wasn't for me." Gwen said, with a hint of a smile on her face. She threw the katana to the side, and we continued up the staircase. Baldric led us to the study, and threw the doors open; inside was an old man with green hair, Silf, and an even older man dressed in a multicolored robe.

"Ah!" The man in the rainbow robe warped away. The other man, presumably Chem Varkas, got up and looked at us. The second thing I noticed about him was his eyes; they were the eyes of a cold-blooded killer, but they also possessed a certain intelligence. He was a diplomat at heart, leaving the roughing-up to his less-intelligent sons.

I met his gaze, and I invoked the power of my mask. It showed me that he'd been subject to both some very powerful geases, as well as... something else. It almost felt like Void magic. Did that Aruman... erase his memories?

"Father!" Baldric said. "You've, you've been brainwashed by that man!"

"I'll have none of it!" Chem yelled. "You've both betrayed me! I've given you everything, and you repay me by spitting in my face! I should have you thrown into the Void, but I'll give you one last chance! Get out of my sight, now!"

"But Father!" Silf said. "He's right! That Void ring has corrupted you!"

"And you!" Chem slapped Silf, knocking her to the floor. "You gave my ring to this man!" He motioned to me. "In fact, I've lost my patience! Now, suffer in the Void!"

Chem clapped his hands, and between them, a beyond-black sphere appeared between his palms. He raised his hands, and the sphere grew bigger and bigger; I could feel myself being sucked toward it.

I took off my mask and gave it to Gwen. She focused her magic through it, casting some sort of makeshift spell on Chem; whatever it was, it seemed to work at least partially, as the Void sphere closed, and he fell to the ground.

"Father!" Both Silf and Baldric ran to his side, and they helped him back up.

"...Baldric? Silf? What... what's happened?"

Gwen handed my mask back to me, and I put it on. Even still, I was sure that all three of them got a glimpse of my face; of course, I was pretty sure they had other things on their mind at the time, so maybe they didn't get a good look.

"Father! That Aruman person, he did something to your head! You were... you were using Void magic." Silf said.

"What?" Chem looked extremely confused. "Aruman... yes. He came to me one day, and he bewitched me with his voice..."

My mask told me that there was still some damage to his memories, but hopefully it was nothing serious. He seemed fine, at the least.

"You." Chem looked at me. "You're that Tanner person. Why are you here?"

"He saved you, Father." Baldric said.

"I see. Wait, I remember... I told my sons to kill you. My mind was altered at the time, so I hope that you will forgive me."

"I do not hold grudges." I said.

"Even still, I would like to repay you for helping me. Anything you would like, I can do."

"Actually..." I said. "I'd like to hear what you know about the Cult of Pratonic. I have some research to do on my own..." 


	10. The Cult of Pratonic

"Argh, god damnit!" A woman with purple hair punched the bars of her cell. Normally, she could easily slip through them, but the whole area was under an anti-magic field or something. Not only that, but she'd been... thoroughly searched by the guards, so she didn't have a single lockpick or anything.

"What did you expect?" One of her traveling companions, a short, round blue fellow wearing a mask, asked. He sat contemplatively in the cell beside her.

"How was I supposed to know that this city was controlled by the Mafia?" she yelled. "I have no idea what this place is! And that green-haired guy just didn't die." She turned to the cell on her other side; within it was a tall, dark-skinned man with flaming red hair, sitting in a meditative position. "And thanks for lifting a finger to help us, Akuma."

"I only fight the worthy." Akuma grunted. "And it would not have done any good, anyways."

"Oh, why not?" the woman asked.

"This world has been... altered. For the time being, no one can die." He demonstrated this by forcing his hand through his chest and ripping his own heart out, then placing it back in; he went limp for but a moment, until the wound fully healed of its own accord.

"Oh, come on. I've seen you survive worse." the woman said. "Remember the Kingdom of Don't Give A Fuck? Those bastards took both your arms and a leg off, and left you to bleed out for how long? A few days, at the least?"

"Yes, but it required intensive bacta therapy to heal him." Meta Knight added. "Of course, it would've been less intensive if we had had some phoenix down..."

"Well, I'm sorry for not being superhumanly tough like you two!" the woman said angrily.

"Settle down, Kunoichi." Akuma said. "They will let us out of here soon enough. In the meantime, I would like to meditate, if you don't mind..." Akuma closed his eyes.

Kunoichi, also known by her self-appointed title "Most Epic Thief", was a multiuniversal traveler in search of fame, power and wealth. A bit self-centered, sure, but she did as many good things as she could to balance out the bad things she had to do every once in a while.

The three of them had come to this place after losing most of their possessions in a bad deal, and she was just attempting to get a bit of food. But of course, that green-haired man didn't like petty thieves infringing on their turf, and he called his corrupt cop buddies to arrest them. They had some sort of body-binding ability which she wasn't able to dispel or escape from, so they of course arrested her...

Kunoichi turned to her two companions. She'd made friends with them by impressing them with her combat prowess, though there were other reasons that they came along with her; Meta Knight had already lost the majority of his homeworld to Dark Matter, and Akuma had already defeated literally everyone else on his world. Both were looking to improve themselves beyond their limits, and Kunoichi was their only real way to travel.

"Wait a minute. Why don't you guys just break out of here?" Kunoichi asked. "You're both more than strong enough to bust these cells up."

"They will release us before long." Akuma said. "As for you, though... you may be stuck here for some time."

"So you're not going to help me out at all?"

"In time." Meta Knight's expression didn't change, but Kunoichi could tell that he was laughing to himself. "In fact, I wouldn't mind taking it easy for a while."

"Oh, really?" Kunoichi said sarcastically. "What happened to the guy who tried to take over Dream Land because everyone else was too lazy?"

Meta Knight was silent. He... didn't like being reminded of Dream Land.

"Oh... sorry." Kunoichi said. When she came to his world, it was only him and another pink puffball against literally the rest of the world; she had barely enough time to warp both of them out. (The pink one decided to stay and settle in another world.)

"It's alright." Meta Knight said. He half-heartedly tried to bend the bars, but he was interrupted by three policemen coming into the jail.

"Stop right there, criminal scum!" one of the policemen said. "Er, sorry, I've always wanted to say that."

"You three." Another one of the policemen took control. "You've been bailed out."

"Huh?" Kunoichi was sure that she had never been to this city before, and she likely didn't know anyone in it. So who bailed them out?

As an answer to her question, two more people came down the stairs into the jail: a tall man wearing a fancy pinstriped suit and a weird white mask, and a pale red-haired woman dressed in a similarly-styled suit jacket and skirt.

"I see." The masked man nodded to the police. "I'll take care of them from here."

"We're required to escort them out." one of the cops said.

"Very well then." He walked up to Kunoichi's cell. Despite the mask, his voice wasn't muffled at all. "My name is Jone Tanner, and I've need of your services... Kunoichi."

"What? How do you know my name? Is this some sort of sick joke?" Kunoichi said angrily.

"I'll explain everything later. For now... just follow my lead." Jone looked over to the cops, and waved one of them over. As the cop unlocked Kunoichi's cell, Jone took a stick from his pocket and prodded the cop in the back, instantly putting him to sleep.

"Huh? What's that?" The other cops drew their guns, but one of them was put into a sleeper hold by the redhead, and the other was magically put to sleep with a blast from Jone's wand. Jone unlocked the other two cells.

"Come on, let's get out of here." He turned to the redhead. "Gwen, go raid the evidence locker and get these folks' equipment back. We'll meet at the canal."

"Fine." The woman ran upstairs. Jone, Kunoichi, Meta Knight and Akuma followed, though they took a right where Gwen kept going.

"I'm confused. What's going on?"

"Those cops were under the influence of the Cult of Pratonic." Jone said. "They planned to give you over to their leader or something. Apparently it has to do with some sort of god?"

"No, not a god." Akuma corrected. "I felt it when we came to this place. The whole city has been tainted by Void magic."

"Yeah, you're right. The Cult's infiltrated most of Valtameri." Jone sighed. "They're the only reason my business survived, too. But that's neither here nor there."

Five more cops blocked their way. Jone drew his wand, but Meta Knight stepped up; he started spinning around, creating an extremely localized tornado that deflected the cops' bullets. He moved over to the cops, sucking them up and flinging them against the wall.

"...That's interesting." Jone remarked. "Wind magic?"

"No." Meta Knight said calmly. "Just speed and skill."

Gwen was waiting for them outside of the police building. She handed Meta Knight his sword, and Kunoichi her backpack and collection of knives and shortswords. Waiting for them at the canal was an old-timey-looking pirate ship, with a giant abomination of a man and a regular-sized black-haired girl already waiting.

"Okay, let's go." a voice, seemingly from the ship, said. The ramp flipped down, and the five of them climbed on board.

"We're already late. We've delayed the ritual, but they're still on track to bring their HQ into this world." the girl said. "Come on, Bate. Kick it into overdrive or whatever!"

"Got it!" Bate said. The ship started moving under its own power.

"Okay, let's get the introductions out of the way. I'm Rebecca Black, second-in-command of the Light Brigade. The guy behind me is Abom, and the ship's name is Bate."

"I'm Jone Tanner, and this is my lovely assistant Gwen."

"I'm Kunoichi, these two are Meta Knight and Akuma. But seriously, what's going on here?"

"I'll give you the CliffNotes version." Rebecca said. The cops were shooting at them, but Bate raised a barrier to deflect their shots.

"The Cult of Pratonic are a bunch of sick bastards that worship the Void. They used Bate here to dispose of this world's psychopomp, so that no one on this world can be claimed by death, so that they could set up some sort of insanely long ritual or something.

"And I'm part of the Light Brigade, a group of people who oppose them. The leader of the Cult used to be one of us, but he was seduced by the power of the Void and betrayed us. There's a lot of dimensional interference going on around here, so none of the other Brigadiers can help us; we're on our own." Rebecca said.

"We managed to figure out the location of their headquarters by tapping into the Brigade's Library." Gwen said. "I... I'm the Library's living index. I can..." She bowed her head. "I can access the Library's information, though it... it takes some time for me to do so."

"Okay, and how do we fit into all of this?" Kunoichi asked.

"We're still trying to figure that out." Jone said. "Chem told me that you three were pulled into Valtameri for a reason, but he had no idea why."

"Sorry to break up the exposition, but we're running into choppy waters here!" Bate said. Several ships belonging to Valtameri's navy were blockading the exit to the ocean. They were also taking potshots at Bate, but his shield repelled them.

"Just keep up that shield! We'll figure something out." Rebecca yelled. She turned to her assorted crew. "Uh, do you guys have any powerful ranged weapons?"

"I don't need one." Meta Knight threw his cape back dramatically, transforming it into a set of bat wings. He flew right at the ships, flinging sword beams all the way; one lucky hit split one of the ships right in half.

"Yes! Behold the power of the S Tier!" Meta Knight landed on one of the decks, and easily parried dozens of gunshots fired by the crew. He flung more sword beams, resulting in copious dismemberment and decapitation. Of course, most of them regenerated, but that just meant he was able to kill them even more.

"...that works, I guess." Rebecca said. "But I have another idea." She started singing in the language of whales, summoning several alien whale-like beings to their aid; they immediately started firing their natural harpoons through the navy ships, again resulting in more dismemberment.

"...Is that Falmagic?" Akuma asked.

"Oh, you noticed?" Rebecca said in surprise. "Yeah, I learned it from one of The Meister's direct pupils. I've still got a long way to go, but altering reality with music is pretty awesome."

"Indeed..." Akuma said distastefully.

Meanwhile, Meta Knight was having a fun time crushing, destroying and killing the crews of the ships. But even he couldn't take all of them on without a few scratches; he tried flying back to Bate, but he was shot down by one of the alien whales' harpoons.

"Meta Knight!" Kunoichi cried.

"ARGH!" Abom jumped out of Bate and swam over to Meta Knight. The alien whales started attacking him too, but his immense healing factor allowed him to shrug off anything short of a nuke... and he could probably regenerate from that too. Abom grabbed Meta Knight and swam back to Bate, placing him on the deck.

"Oh god, Meta Knight!" Something strange happened to Kunoichi; her right hand changed into a scaled, six-digit thing that looked more like a foot than a hand. She yanked the harpoon out of Meta Knight's wing, and placed the weird hand over the hole; white light filled in the hole, eventually fading to reveal that the wound was fully healed. Her hand reverted to its normal, five-fingered non-scaly form.

"...what?" Rebecca wondered. "I mean, that was pretty unnecessary, since dying would have healed him, but... what?"

"Oh? It's my Blue Magic." Kunoichi said. "I forget what the spell's called, but I learned it from fighting some lizard-like dudes one time."

"...Wait." Jone, who had been mostly silent, was pondering something. "Blue Magic doesn't generally require actual shapeshifting... at least, as far as I know. Gwen, would you mind looking that up?"

"Y...yeah." Gwen sat down on the deck, assuming a meditative position. After a few minutes, she got back up again.

"Blue Magic: The ability to learn skills or spells by observing them. It says something about some Blue Mages being infused with tainted blood and transforming into monstrous states."

"I'm not a monster!" Kunoichi said angrily. "But how else do you explain it? I can gain abilities by fighting people with them. That's Blue Magic, right?"

"Hmm..." Rebecca said. "Maybe not. Have you guys ever heard of the Archetypes?"

"And now I shall interrupt!" The entire crew turned to see an old man dressed in a plain white robe. Time around them had stopped; even Bate was unresponsive.

"You! You're Aruman the Orange!" Rebecca shouted.

"Hmm? No, I have given my color away. Now, I am Aruman of No Color, herald of the Void and leader of the Cult of Pratonic." He respectfully bowed. "Yes, we require an Archetype for our end goal. And I do believe I will be taking her, before those fools do any harm to her..."

"Good luck, buster!" Kunoichi started throwing knives at Aruman, but his precise control over the Void allowed him to annihilate each knife with well-placed miniature portals. He tapped the bottom of his staff on the deck, teleporting both him and Kunoichi away. The time-stop lifted.

"Huh? What happened?" Bate asked.

"They took her." Gwen noted. "I can feel the presence of their home dimension; it's growing closer with each second. Are you capable of traveling through dimensions, Bate?"

"Yeah, I do it all the time." Bate said. "Just give me the coordinates and we'll be there in a jiffy."

"Wait!" Rebecca shouted. "With all of the turbulence going on here, I don't think it's a good idea for you to go, Bate. Why don't you just send us through?"

"Oh, sure. You guys get all the glory." Bate said jokingly. "No, I understand. Me and Abom will hold those ships off, right?"

"THEY WILL FEEL MY PAIN!" Abom shouted. Off-screen, he'd befriended the alien whales, and was now riding their leader, throwing flame at the steadily-growing Valtameri navy.

"...right." Gwen went into a trance of some sort, opening a portal to the Cult's plane. They went through, one at a time.

"Good luck." Bate said, turning to the ever-swelling navy. "Where do they keep getting these ships? Oh well. MAGNA BERSERK!" Instantly, the ships started attacking one another in blind rage.

Meanwhile, Rebecca, Jone, Gwen, Meta Knight and Akuma appeared in front of a shabby-looking house. Immediately after, several identical-looking soldiers in rainbow robes accosted them.

"Stop! You are not wanted here!" The soldiers drew giant sticks and started firing huge bursts of magical energy. Gwen created a reflective barrier, sending most of the bursts back at the soldiers; the resulting explosions actually vaporized the soldiers, leaving little more than ash.

"Wait, they can die here?" Rebecca said, confused. "But aren't we close to Ailma?"

"Apparently not close enough." Meta Knight commented. "Which means that we are vulnerable as well."

"Not to mention that they have Void magic." Jone added. He reached into his jacket and pulled a small ring from one of his pockets. "Although, from what I understand, this thing should protect us as long as we stay together... or so Chem said. His memory was altered, and I don't particularly want to test it out."

"You are not wanted here!" More rainbow soldiers ran out of the shabby house. This time, it was Meta Knight; with his sword actually effective, he cut all seven soldiers into little pieces with a single swipe.

They looked around, seeing a veritable city of shabby-looking houses as far as the eye could see. In the middle of the "city" was a marble temple, hovering above the ground, with two gigantic spheres of beyond-black energy hovering above and below the temple.

"...That temple looks like a good place to start." Rebecca said. She started singing in Falmagic again, ripping a chunk from the ground. Everyone stepped on it (save for Meta Knight, who just turned his cape into wings again), and started floating toward the temple.

But they were interrupted by more cultists, using comparatively smaller spheres of Void magic above and below them to fly around.

"You will not stop the emergence of the Void!" the cultists chanted in unison. They started firing bursts of Void energy at them, but just as predicted, the Void ring Jone held absorbed the energy.

"It's my turn." Jone tapped his mask, and studied them for a few seconds. The cultists started casting more standard spells at them, but Gwen created another reflect barrier. "Yes, I see. They're just like Chem... their memories have been literally erased by Void magic. My mask won't bring their memories back."

"At least let me try." Gwen took Jone's mask and channeled her magic through it, creating an expanding wave of white energy. The wave temporarily disrupted the Voidspheres, but the cultists, blindly loyal to the Cult of Pratonic, recreated them and continued their assault.

Gwen handed the mask back to Jone, but not before everyone else got a good look at his face.

"You know, your face is pretty girly." Rebecca commented. "I mean, I don't mind bishonens or anything, but just sayin', I kinda expected you to be a grizzled old guy with a beard or something."

"That's because I am a girl." Jone said, without a hint of sarcasm. "Or, at least, I was. It's a long story." He (or she; for various reasons, we'll continue referring to Jone as "he") grabbed a few more rings and put them on; he started pointing at the cultists and fired copious amounts of magic missiles at them.

"No escape!" More cultists flew up, blocking the way forward. Jone had run out of magic missiles, Gwen had limited ranged magic, and Rebecca wasn't skilled enough to invoke her Falmagic for more than one thing at a time. Meta Knight was doing his best by cutting up bitches, but he was wary of getting too far away from Jone's Void ring and its area of effect.

"Well, what about you?" Gwen asked Akuma. "We could use some help."

"I only fight the worthy." Akuma grumbled. "You're strong enough to handle this. Once an enemy of my caliber shows up, I will deal with him."

"'Once?'" Jone said incredulously. "How are you so sure that someone will?"

"Because I can see him." Akuma pointed to a black speck on the horizon. It quickly approached them, revealing itself to be a giant lizard-dinosaur thing with large parts of its body erased. It roared, firing a stream of black energy from its mouth; Akuma bodily grabbed Jone and poured large amounts of his ki into Jone, kicking the Void ring's effect into overdrive and completely absorbing the burst.

"Godzilla... touched by the Void." Akuma grinned evilly. "Yes, this will do."

Akuma jumped into the air, surrounded by a bright aura. He emerged from the aura as Oni, his ultimate Super Mode; Voidzilla fired another burst of Void breath at Oni, but he deflected it with a ki shield.

"COME NOW! SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT!" Oni taunted. "RENZOKUHADOKEN!" Oni used but a fraction of his immense power to fire hundreds of Hadokens at Voidzilla, competely demolishing its body. The rest of the heroes continued through the swarm of cultists, but Voidzilla reformed out of seemingly nothing. It roared and fired another stream of Void breath, but Oni reflected it back.

"I expected you to be tougher, but this is frankly disappointing." Oni said, shaking his head. Voidzilla, hit by its own breath, was now missing even more of its body. But it wasn't just dismembered; there were large, almost cartoonish holes all over it. Oni flew toward Voidzilla, deflecting more streams of Void breath back at it, disabling it even more.

"NOW FEEL THE WRATH OF THE MAN BEYOND GODS! SHUN! GOKU! SATSU!" A giant sphere of dark energy surrounded the two; the pained roars of Voidzilla echoed throughout the land, but when the energy faded, Voidzilla was nowhere to be found; only Akuma, in his normal state, remained.

Meanwhile, Meta Knight cut through another swath of cultists, and they finally landed on the floating marble temple. With her Falmagic free for other uses, Rebecca sang the Song of Healing. The wave of oncoming cultists heard the song, and their souls were healed; unfortunately, their tainted bodies just corrupted them all over again.

"That's..." Gwen looked down. "They're puppets. Mindless, unthinking drones..."

"You're not like them." Jone said reassuringly. "You're a human, a real, thinking being. The Brigade can't force you to do anything."

"But... I was created by their Library. I'm obligated to give my life to serving them..."

"You guys don't have time to angst!" Meta Knight shouted. He cut down more cultists, but more rose up to replace them. At the same time, another wave of cultists came from inside the temple, firing bursts of magical energy at them; Gwen's reflect held, but her mental state was causing it to flicker.

Rebecca tried another Falmagic song, this time summoning a massive fire wall that reduced everything near it to cinders. But she could only hold a note for so long, and the wall faded. They had no idea what happened to Akuma, Jone had run out of magic item charges and Meta Knight was taking severe damage.

Gwen and Jone tearfully embraced as the reflect faded. This was it. They'd done all they could, but the Cult of Pratonic had defeated them. Soon, they'd all succumb to the Void...


	11. Alliance

This was the end.

Jone Tanner, Gwen, Rebecca Black and Meta Knight were completely surrounded by cultists in multicolored robes. It sounded like the setup to some sort of joke, but all four of them knew that their death was imminent. The mindless masses around them were single-mindedly dedicated to the Void, and they'd set up a complicated (and somewhat illogical) gambit to pave the way to opening a massive gate to the Void, consuming everything, everywhere. Only a weakening reflect spell and a ring that absorbed Void magic held them at bay.

"Hey guys." Rebecca said. "I could turn our bodies into bombs. It wouldn't be much, but we could at least take some of these bastards with us."

"It wouldn't make a difference." Meta Knight said solemnly. "We might as well just surrender peacefully."

"And who knows? Perhaps some deus ex machina will save us if we hold on long enough." Jone said. He took off his mask and threw it to the side, exposing his girly face for all to see. Their relationship was... complex, but at this moment, he knew that he wanted to die in the arms of the love of his life, Gwen.

But all of them knew that this was the end. Gwen's reflect faded, and Jone took the Void ring from his pocket and threw it into the crowd. They had cheated death long enough.

The cultists stopped their assault. They parted, letting an old man in a simple white robe walk forward. He looked upon the heroes with a mix of disdain and admiration.

"Aruman." Rebecca said. "Why did you defect from the Brigade?"

"The Scathe incident fundamentally changed the Brigade." Aruman said. His voice was loud, and it almost seemed to naturally echo. "On that day, both me and Darkstos witnessed the power of the Void. The Brigade suppressed it. Darkstos ignored it. But I... I researched it. I learned about it. And, in time... I harnessed it."

Aruman held his palm up, and a small sphere of Void energy formed above it. He gently breathed on it, and it dissipated.

"The universe is imperfect. It was created by men who thought they were gods, and their arrogance left them open to destruction. The Great-Lord ascended to their station and purged it, showing them their folly. But in its place... was left the Void. They recreated the universe, over the remains of the old one, but the Void persists, eager to return everything to a state of perfect nothingness."

"Cool story, bro." Rebecca sneered.

"Yes, laugh while you can, Black." Aruman tapped his staff, and a purple-haired woman dressed in ceremonial rainbow robes walked down the corridor of cultists.

"...Kunoichi?" Meta Knight said. "What did they do to you?"

"Aruman of No Color has shown me the way. The way of the Void." Kunoichi pulled the sleeves of her robes back; her arms were... gone. Not just taken away, but... erased. The shape of them remained, but they looked like cut-outs in reality, showing the beyond-black darkness of the Void behind it.

"Kunoichi here is an Archetype." Aruman said grandiosely. "They're quite elegant, actually. Their physical bodies are little more than a paper-thin shell over their Akasha. They absorb powers, abilities and traits from other beings, and incorporate it into themselves. They're truly limitless beings."

"And what was the point of telling us that if you're just going to kill us?" Jone asked.

"Hmm? Whoever told you that?" Aruman laughed. "No, you are going to become part of my Cult. Kunoichi, tell them why I need you."

"Yes, No Color." Kunoichi stepped forward, looking her former companion in the eye. "Even the Void is flawed. It has some minute substance within it, allowing things to exist in it; the detestable Exofrit, the Interdimensional Rift, and the consciousness of the Great-Lord all lie in the Void, waiting to be unleashed. But we, the Cult of Pratonic, will capture and contain their essences within our bodies. We will slowly purify ourselves of them, destroying them bit by bit over millions of years. And then, we will open the perfect Void, and all things will cease to exist."

"And that's why you made a deal with Necron?" Rebecca asked. "As far as I know, his goal was to destroy all life. I guess that's why he joined you?"

"Hmm?" Aruman said. "That was a lucky break. No, that pathetic excuse for a psychopomp was hired by Gendo. We simply took advantage of the situation."

Another one of Aruman's Inner Circle stepped forward: a jester-like man wearing white make-up and garish clothing. His distinctive cackle made everyone, even the mindless cultists, cringe.

"Yes yes, you want me to convert more mindless pawns?" Kefka Palazzo sighed. "Don't you have enough? If you have too many pawns on the chessboard, it just gets crowded! Ha ha, see what I did there?"

"Yes, yes." Aruman was visibly frustrated. "Just perform the spell."

"Got it, boss!" Kefka cackled again. A Void portal opened above him, and he directed wispy tendrils off of it. But he seemed to be purposely delaying it for some reason...

"Do it already." Aruman said. "Or are you having trouble again?"

"Yeah, I'm having trouble with your ugly mug!" The portal closed, and Kefka directed a huge fireball in Aruman's direction. Aruman absorbed it with a Void portal.

"KEFKA!" Aruman shouted loudly. He used a counter-spell, directing some of the Void magic from his portal toward Kefka.

"Hahaha!" Kefka laughed. "I'm through with you, you stuffy old codger! Now it's Kefka time! ULTIMA!"

Kefka created a ball of blue energy in his hand, and chucked it at Aruman, causing it to explode in a huge sphere of pure destruction. Both Aruman and Kunoichi shielded themselves by absorbing the brunt of the blast with Voidshields, but most of the cultists were vaporized.

As for the heroes... they were gone.

A giant mechanical hand had grabbed them away before the Ultima spell did its work.

"Huh?" Jone looked into the face of their savior... Mazinger Z.

"Got here just in time!" Kouji said. "Sorry, we would've been here sooner, but Lucca's dimensional stabilizer needed more juice."

"You..." Rebecca looked at Mazinger's face. "You're part of the Church, aren't you?"

"Technically? Not really. I was a part of the CRF, which I guess is the military arm of the Church, but we're allied with some other guys right now. In fact..."

Another portal opened, and three more robots flew out of it; GaoGaiGar, King J-Der, Voltron and a much larger walking-city-like mecha radiating with holy energy. In addition, a spaceship flew through a separate portal, flew right by Mazinger, and beamed the four of them up.

"Ah, you folks. You're with the Light Brigade, right?" A young man in shiny red armor sat in the captain's chair; a few other crewmembers were standing over various panels on the bridge.

"Just me. I'm Rebecca Black. These two are from Ailma, and this guy's a dimensional traveler."

"I see. I'm Kens, Captain of the Daikaizer. We're not exactly allied with the Brigade, but we have... personal reasons to be against the Cult of Pratonic. Can we call a truce for the moment?"

"Okay, but who exactly are you?" Rebecca asked.

"We're an independent force." Kens said.

"We're taking heavy fire from enemy ships." Impa calmly said.

"And that's apparently all I have time to explain." Kens said quickly. "What's the status of the Super Robots?"

"All are in good condition, but they're engaged elsewhere. The Exceliator's shields will hold, but we can't return fire."

"Indeed." Kens sighed. "We should've taken the Shin-Zantetsuken, but nooo, I wanted to take the red one... Okay, quick introduction. The lady here is Impa, this is Aeristh, and this guy here's Shin."

"I'm Jone, and this is Gwen."

"And I am Meta Knight. Do you possess any sort of healing abilities?"

"Oh, yeah. But what's the rush? You're safe in here." Kens said.

"Yes, but... one of my allies is under Aruman's thrall. I'd like at least a chance to rescue her, if you can heal me."

"Okay, I'll see what I can do." Kens beckoned to one of his crew, a young woman in pink; Aeristh walked over and placed her hands on Meta Knight, restoring him to full health.

"If I may be so bold, Captain, I'd like to accompany this knight as well." Shin said. "I need to see if Fey's there."

"As long as that's fine with you." Kens asked of Meta Knight.

"Hmm." Meta Knight looked over Shin. "You look fairly strong. Very well, I could use another sword-arm."

"I will go too." Impa got up. "Will you be alright, Captain?"

"We'll be fine until the Super Robots come back." Kens said. "Okay, I'll beam you three down to the temple. Shin, Impa, just call me when you're ready."

"Got it." Shin, Impa and Meta Knight dematerialized and reappeared outside of the floating temple. The corpses of cultists littered the ground, and large chunks of the floor had been blown away, presumably by magic.

"So, what's your story?" Meta Knight asked his two companions.

"My beloved was stolen by the Cult." Shin said, drawing his dai-katana and charging it with light magic.

"They used me as a pawn in their schemes, and they've tried to kill me many times before." Impa said, drawing her knives. "I intend to eliminate all of them, down to the last man."

They ran into the temple. As they entered the lobby, a streak of silver cut through several cultists, spraying the formerly-immaculate marble floor with blood. The streak, a man in black clothing, looked at the three before realizing who they were...

"Shin?" Sephiroth asked.

"Sephiroth?" Shin replied. "What're you doing here?"

"Kefka called us. He's our mole in the Cult; granted, he wasn't our first choice for the mission, but Aruman's pretty oblivious." Sephiroth brushed the hair out of his face. "And why are you here?"

"We're looking for Fey." Impa said. "And this one here also has a companion bewitched by the Cult. We should work together."

"Indeed!" Sephiroth said. "I have other... acquaintances in the temple, and if I understand correctly, the Life Preservation Organization should be sending their forces soon."

"Excellent!" A portal opened, and Aruman stepped out of it, followed by a blond-haired man and a purple-haired woman, both dressed in fancy rainbow robes.

All four of the gathered heroes flash-stepped around Aruman and tried filling him full of their various pointy objects, but he blasted them all away with a force blast. Aruman laughed again, and his subordinates joined in.

"You honestly think I was oblivious to Kefka's treachery?" Aruman chuckled. "No, all of these events have been according to my plan. I purposely delayed in converting you, Meta Knight, so that your group would be rescued. And once Gendo shows up, I'll throw all of you into the Void."

"I'm calling shenanigans." Shin said while struggling to get up. "You're just saying that so we think you're more clever than you actually are."

"No, Shin. It's true." The blond man stepped forward: it was Fey. "He's used us all as pawns. And soon, we'll all return to the Void."

"Rafael!" Shin yelled. "You can't believe him! He's brainwashed you! Come on, Fey! FEY!"

"I know. And I don't care." Fey pulled the sleeves of his robe back; like Kunoichi, his arms were gone, replaced by immeasurably dark cut-outs in the fabric of reality.

"Ah ha ha!" Aruman laughed again. "My meticulous plans have only been helped by exceptional luck! Who would have thought that I would have not one, but two Archetypes under my control!"

"GIVE HIM BACK!" Shin vanished, reappearing behind Aruman. His sword, blazing with white fire, cleaved right through Aruman like butter. Shin kept slicing, and slicing, until there was only a fine pink mist in the air.

Shin panted. He dropped his sword and staggered over to Fey, embracing him.

"Come on, Fey. If the Void destroys us... we won't be together." Shin said.

"We must all make sacrifices." Fey said solemnly. "What is our love, compared to the entire universe? It is better off this way."

"IT'S NOT BETTER!" Shin decked Fey right in the face, knocking the latter to the ground.

"That's enough of that!"

Shin turned around, to see Aruman with a rather angry expression.

"But-"

"Behold!" Aruman raised his staff, creating a hole in the temple's ceiling; above them, hanging upside-down in the sky, was the city of Valtameri. "We've finally entered Ailma's atmosphere. All of us are effectively immortal now... unfortunately for you, the Void is a loophole to that rule! Now, you will cease to exist!"

Aruman opened another portal to the Void, but it closed almost immediately after. Aruman looked back, and saw his two 'pet Archetypes' holding small Voidspheres of their own.

"What? What is the-" But before he could finish, he took a knife to the frontal lobe, collapsing immediately. Everyone turned around, to see Impa, wearing Jone's mask, standing in a dramatic pose.

"I noticed this on the way in. It's a Sheikah relic, called the Mask of Truth." Impa said. "So I picked it up, and while Aruman was distracted with his mu-hah-hahing..."

"Convenient." Meta Knight remarked. "But how do we dispose of him if he can't die?"

"He said it himself." Kunoichi said, holding the Voidsphere above him. "Being erased from existence isn't technically dying. Actually, it sort of is, but I don't make the rules, I just abuse the hell out of 'em!"

Both Fey and Kunoichi pooled their power, creating a large Void portal. Sephiroth picked up Aruman's body and threw him in, and the two Archetypes closed it shortly after.

"...Well, that was anti-climatic." Shin said. "What, no 'Here is my true form!' deal?"

"Thanks for jinxing it, Shin." Fey joked. Fey and Shin ran toward each other and passionately kissed.

"Hot." Kunoichi said sarcastically. "Anyways, our work here's done. What do you say we get out of here, Meta Knight?"

"No, we're not done here." Sephiroth said. "This dimension's still on a crash course for that planet. We need to stop it; believe me, I've seen what happens when dimensional turbulence combines with a colony drop. It's not pretty."

Sephiroth leaped up onto the third floor of the temple, and the assembled crew (for the record: Shin, Impa, Meta Knight, Kunoichi and Fey) ran up a few flights of stairs to catch up with him.

On the third floor was some sort of gigantic machine, with a Voidsphere in the middle. Lying on the floor beside it was Kefka, or at least what remained of Kefka; his arms and legs, and parts of his torso and face had been erased, though he was still clearly alive. Sephiroth was kneeling beside him.

"Ha ha... ha... ha." Kefka sputtered. "To think I'd die before you, girly hair. It's... pathetic."

"You can't die." Sephiroth said. "At the moment, we're on a planet where death's been suspended." Sephiroth got up, drew his Masamune, and plunged it into Kefka's heart; but when he removed it, rather than fully regenerating, Kefka retained his current, twisted form.

"Void magic..." Kefka said. "Wounds, they won't heal."

"...I see." Sephiroth looked grim. "How do you feel about artificial limbs?"

"Pffth!" Kefka made a valiant effort at spitting at Sephiroth's feet, but he couldn't quite manage it. "I have another idea."

Kefka's mangled body started floating in midair. He used his innate magical ability to summon a new costume; a yellow and purple mantle, a white-and-black mask, and floating hands and feet.

"Come on, girly hair! God of Magic, remember?" Kefka said, oddly cheerfully. "I don't need no damn limbs! See, now I can do this!"

Kefka fired one of his floating hands at the assembled group, copping a feel from Impa.

"Pah! I was aiming for the busty purple-haired one." Kefka said as his hand returned to him. "Gotta work on my aim..."

"I don't know who you are, but I'm going to enjoy killing you... a lot." Impa drew her knives and rushed at Kefka, but Sephiroth held his Masamune out.

"Apologize, Kefka." Sephiroth said sternly.

"Come on! You liked it, you know it." Kefka cackled. "But come on! We've got stuff to do, right, girly hair?"

"...Indeed." Sephiroth looked at the contraption in the middle of the room. "Fey, er... Kunoichi, was it? Come here, we need to take care of this."

The group crowded around the machine.

"I don't know what this thing is, but I'm guessing it has something to do with keeping this dimension stable." Sephiroth said. "Using the Void for stability...? No, that can't be right. Whatever, just destroy it."

"Hmm." Fey threw off his robe, transforming into his true Akasha-form, which looked like liquid metal. Kunoichi did the same, though hers was wispy and almost fog-like. They both reached toward the Voidsphere, slowly siphoning its energy away and sending it elsewhere. Once it was depleted enough, it started shrinking even without their influence; once the Voidsphere was completely gone, Meta Knight, Shin and Sephiroth cut the rest of the machine into little bits.

Impa, meanwhile, stabbed Kefka a few times. But only a few.

"Argh, you bitch!" Kefka said angrily. He threw an Ultima at her, but she dodged, responding with ball lightning to the face.

"Enough, both of you!" Sephiroth scolded. "Well, it's destroyed..."

They all looked up into the sky, but they could still see Valtameri. It wasn't getting closer, but it wasn't moving away either.

"Perhaps I can assist."

They all turned toward the entrance. A scowling man with shiny glasses, a woman dressed in a bulky blue robe and a matching beret, and a muscular blond man wearing spandex were walking toward them.

"Ikari!" Kefka said.

"We have no need of you here." Sephiroth said, pointing his sword threateningly.

"No, I believe you do." Gendo said. "Aruman has several plans in motion, even after his death, and you're ill-equipped to stop them all.

"I made a grievous mistake in allying with Necron. He knowingly betrayed me... and because of him, the Cult of Pratonic was able to hijack my original plan and use it for their own purposes. I did not take that into account, which is a failure on my part."

"Oh, so the mighty Gendo Ikari admits defeat!" Fey said sarcastically. "But you can't just let that go, right? You're gonna erase our memories of this, and take all the credit, aren't you?"

"Fey, that's not-" Jo said.

"And you!" Fey drew his spear from within his Akasha. "If I knew it'd have any permanent effect, I'd kill you right here and now!"

"Stop this." Gendo said. "If we do not stop this right now, the entire universe will be erased by the Void."

"He's right, you know." Kefka said. "I can feel it. The Void's mighty unstable right now, and it's about to rip right through the universe!"

"We will split into three groups." Gendo said. He pulled out a fancy-looking laser pointer-like thing, and pointed it at the wall, displaying a large holographic map of the dimension.

"Jo, Fey, Kunoichi. The Voidspheres holding up this temple are also keeping this dimension stable. Siphon them away, but only after I give the order.

"Hogan, Shin, Impa, Meta Knight, Kefka. The Cult's Inner Circle is headed this way. Hold them off. The cultists' connection to the Void will erase them if their bodies take too much damage, but the Inner Circle members will not fall so easily. I assume you can find a way to incapacitate them.

"And Sephiroth, you and I are scheduled for two meetings in the next hour."

Gendo deactivated the laser pointer.

"We all have differing visions for the universe, but everyone present opposes the Cult of Pratonic and the Void. Put aside your grudges for the moment and complete your tasks; once we have averted a class-Z event, we can go back to squabbling amongst ourselves."

Gendo and Sephiroth walked through a portal. Jo, Fey and Kunoichi shifted to their Akasha-forms and flew off, and the rest ran to the temple entrance, in time to witness an absolutely massive army of cultists, mecha and ships headed toward them.

This was gonna suck.


	12. The Reveal

"What is your goal, Ikari?"

Sephiroth and Gendo Ikari stood in a featureless black plain, waiting for something... or someone. Both had a mutual dislike of one another, but circumstances had forced them into an uneasy alliance to stop an even greater threat. But since they were in the same room and not trying to kill one another (at least, not yet), Sephiroth figured that he might be able to shed some light on Gendo's objectives.

"It should be evident by the name of my organization." Gendo said.

"Don't patronize me. You said yourself that removing the psychopomp of that world was your plan. Why, then, are we here?"

"At the moment, returning the concept of death to the world of Ailma supercedes my own goals. The Cult of Pratonic will not stop unless they're wiped out to the last man, and for the moment, that is impossible without a psychopomp."

"I didn't expect such hypocrisy from you, Ikari. For a man who wants to 'preserve life', you're all too willing to kill everyone who disagrees with you."

"At this point, it is the only way. Aruman lies within the Void, and he grows steadily more powerful as we kill his cultists. The only way to stop that is to send the cultists to their natural resting places."

"And then what? You'll dispose of the psychopomp again once the battle's over? The Void will still exist. Even if the Cult's destroyed, more worshippers will pop up again. What then? You'll just keep killing them?"

Gendo was silent.

"That's what I thought. You just want your wife back, and you're willing to use the entire universe to do it."

"You know nothing." Gendo's voice was still calm, but Sephiroth could feel the rage bubbling underneath his cold exterior.

"Really? I'm starting to think you're the one who knows nothing. I suppose it's admirable that you'd go to such great lengths to get her back, but violating every last natural law isn't the way to do it."

A door of light appeared in the infinite darkness before them. The two men walked into it, and they were thrown beyond the edge of the universe...

...into an office building.

"Welcome to Death Inc.!" A female receptionist greeted them. "How can I help you today?"

"We need to speak with Death." Gendo said. "We have important information about the world of Ailma."

"Hmm..." The receptionist flipped through a book of some sort. "Oh, sorry. Death's away right now. Would you like to leave a message?"

"We don't have time." Sephiroth said. "Can't we see anyone else? Who's the main psychopomp of the Milky Way Galaxy?"

"Oh, you want to speak to Manny? I think he's free. Just a second." The receptionist picked up her phone, listened to it for a few seconds, then put it down without speaking a word. "Yeah, he'll see you. Take the elevator to floor 9, please."

Gendo and Sephiroth got into one of the elevators, and pressed the button for floor 9.

"...An office building?"

"It's a metaphysical plane. We're seeing it as an office building, because that's the only way we could understand it." Gendo said.

"I see." Sephiroth said, obviously still bewildered. The elevator stopped, and they stepped out of it into a lavishly-decorated office. A skeletal figure in a black robe sat at a desk, holding a phone to his 'ear' but not saying a word.

"Oh?" Manny put the phone down. "Ah, you're those folks. Manny Calavera." He extended his hand; neither of the men took it. "So, how can I help you today?"

"Are you aware of the situation on the world of Ailma?" Gendo asked.

"'Fraid not."

"Put simply, a rogue psychopomp named Necron disposed of the designated psychopomp of that world, and a cult of Void worshippers have seized the opportunity to consume the entire universe."

Manny chuckled. "That's simple, huh? Let's see... his name was The Reaper, right? Well, according to our records, he's still active."

"Necron set up a few safeguards to deceive you. I've been told that Death herself is involved, but we require a replacement psychopomp right now." Gendo said, a hint of urgency in his voice. "If you're unavailable, could I request one of your underlings?"

"No, I'll come with you. I barely get any field work these days." Manny grabbed his scythe, which was propped up against a filing cabinet. The blade of the scythe was rusted and worn, but as soon as he touched it, the blade instantly repaired itself, gaining a distinctly supernatural shine and edge. Only the tools of Death Inc. possessed such power.

"Ailma, hmm? Since we've been locked out of it, I assume you have a way in?"

"Indeed." Gendo pulled a small gray device out of his pocket, and pressed the single red button on it. A portal opened, and the three unlikely fellows stepped into it, reappearing in...

"The Void." Sephiroth said in awe. They stood on a small floating island, surrounded on all sides by beyond-black energy.

"Yep, sure is." Manny said. "Now then, let's get out of here before anyone notices us."

But it was too late. A gigantic metal face materialized in the emptiness; the complete warping of all natural laws made it hard to tell how far away it was (or if it was far away at all), but they all instinctively knew it was bigger than the known universe.

The face spoke, but no words came out of its lips.

"Hmm." Manny looked over at Gendo and Sephiroth. "Guess you guys couldn't hear that. That's probably for the best."

The metal face seemed to scream in agony as Manny swung his scythe. A beam of white light shot from the tip of the scythe blade, striking the metal face right in its eye.

"Huh. Lots of souls in this one." Manny commented. "But the dominant one... Do you guys know someone named Fey? Because he's saying he knows you guys."

"Fey?" Gendo asked. "That... thing is Fey?"

"Seems like it, yeah."

"...I see." Gendo muttered. "He must have... he must have absorbed everyone else."

"Wait, everyone else?" Sephiroth said. "As in, everyone in the Cult? And all of our forces as well? How the hell did he do that?"

"The Archetypes are limitless beings." Gendo exposited. "They can absorb anything and everything, and they gain the traits of those they've absorbed. Whether they know it or not, their goal is to complete the Akashic Records, a collection of everything and everyone.

"The Void itself is the body of a dormant Archetype. Its consciousness is fragmented, but it's drawn to other Archetypes of significant power. Once enough fragments come together, the Great-Lord will reawaken and continue its goal; and once the Akashic Records are complete-"

"You, you..." Sephiroth interrupted Gendo, as he realized exactly why he was expositing. "That's your plan. You set all of this up. You put all of the pieces in place, you manipulated the Cult of Pratonic and god knows who else into this place at the same time."

"Yes." Gendo stated. "Once the Records are complete, all living beings from every place and time will have eternal life."

"So it IS Instrumentality!" Sephiroth shouted. "On a universal scale... but it's the same. Just because you can't move on from your wife's death, you-"

"Quiet." Gendo said. "I could easily resurrect Yui. I possess several methods to do so. But if I bring her back, I'm obligated to bring back everyone else's dead loved ones, which brings a host of logistical and moral problems. Even the LPO lacks the resources to handle that. But if I complete the Akashic Records... it's the only way."

"Bastard!" Sephiroth drew his sword and swung at Gendo, but Manny parried the blow.

"Sorry, I can't let you do that, bud." Manny said.

"Death Inc. agrees with me. The Endless were corrupted by the Great-Lord's imperfect Big Bang, and they too wish to go along with completing the Akashic Records."

"Then why? Why are you explaining this to me?" Sephiroth demanded. "If you just plan on killing me, why would you blatantly tell me your master plan?"

"Against my best efforts, you will survive." Gendo sighed. "Right now, Fey isn't powerful enough to reawaken the Great-Lord, so I will attempt to feed you to it. But the Presbyterian Church will come in at the last minute and rescue you. I'm explaining it to you so that you expend less resources figuring out my goal, and put more into directly fighting me."

"What?" Sephiroth was pretty obviously confused.

Manny reaped Sephiroth's Masamune, destroying it. He grabbed Sephiroth by the arm and threw him off the floating island, into the screaming metal face of Fey.

But, just as predicted, an old-timey pirate ship appeared out of nowhere, catching Sephiroth on its deck.

"Hole in one!" Bate cheered. Fey fired thousands of silver tendrils at them, but Abom jumped off, catching as many tendrils as he could with his own blue tentacles. Momentarily distracted, Fey absorbed Abom, but this gave Bate enough time to open another portal and get the hell out of the Void.

They reappeared in Valtameri - or more accurately, several thousand feet above it. The pocket dimension belonging to the Cult of Pratonic still hung upside-down in the sky, but major parts of it had been replaced by huge Voidspheres, all of which were slowly growing.

"What? What the hell's going on?" Sephiroth asked.

"Abom, he..." Bate had a moment of silence for his friend. "Sorry. Uh, I'm Bate. The Presbyterian Church told me to come and rescue you."

"The Church..." Sephiroth knew about them. On the outside, they were an interstellar church preaching their doctrines to inhabited worlds throughout the galaxy. But they had a 'peacekeeping' wing too - the CRF, an elite force of Super Robot pilots and various support staff. They were funded by the Church, but otherwise, they were pretty much unrelated.

"Yep. Wait, hold on!" Bate sharply turned to the right, dodging a huge energy beam. Sephiroth looked up, and saw a dark-colored starship above them. It was pretty far away, but it was huge.

"Ikari!" Sephiroth cursed. The LPO had a pretty active space navy, of which this was but one of their ships. "Where's the CRF?"

"Dunno. They contacted me remotely." Bate said.

"I see. Do you have any weapons that can destroy a starship?"

"I have one. MAGNA GENTLE STATUE PUSH!" A huge statue appeared in orbit around the planet of Ailma, but the starship destroyed it with a volley of positron torpedoes.

"So much for that. Now, it's my turn. Are you familiar with the technique of Fusion?" Sephiroth asked.

"...Fusion?" Bate sounded worried.

"Don't worry, it's painless and reversible." Sephiroth tapped into the power of Jenova. Under Sephiroth's influence, Bate transformed into a humanoid shape; Sephiroth took his place in Bate's chest, causing the wooden magic-powered mecha to grow seven angel wings and a golden halo.

Super Bateiroth flew toward the starship.

"MAGNA SUPERNOVA!" Super Bateiroth opened a portal above the starship, sucking it in. The ship appeared on the world of FFVII as regular old Safer Sephiroth used his Supernova attack, but the "Magna" prefix resulted in Supernova dealing Gravity damage equal to 999% of the target's max HP, vaporizing Cloud, Tifa and Cid, the ship, and the entire planet.

"Ha! Stupid alternate universes." Super Bateiroth laughed. But as he gloated, several more LPO starships warped in. Unfortunately, Super Bateiroth had a strict attack pattern, and he couldn't use Magna Supernova for another few turns.

Instead, he used "SHADOW MEGAFLARE!", which pelted the starships with matter-antimatter explosions. But these ships were tougher than he expected, and not one of them fell to the Shadow Megaflare.

His next attack was Dispel, which naturally did nothing.

But as he was charging up for Low Rider, a beam of white energy pierced one of the ships, utterly annihilating it. He looked up and saw a white starship, along with a few smaller ships floating around it, firing at the LPO ships. They made quick work of the LPO ships, only for even more to warp in.

"Who the hell are you?" Super Bateiroth received a transmission from the white ship.

"Super Bateiroth, made up of Bate, the flying dutchman, and Sephiroth, second-in-command of The Villains."

"The Villains, huh? I'm Bright Noa, captain of the Prismatic Sword and Indigo of the Light Brigade. What do you say we team up to fight the LPO?"

"The Light Brigade... I see. Yes, that will work." Super Bateiroth cast Low Rider, finally destroying one of the ships by inflicting Instant Death on it. Obviously, Gendo was too cheap to give contractual boss immunity to his ships.

The Prismatic Sword opened all of its weapon ports and fired its weapons in all directions, destroying several cloaked ships in the process. The smaller ships fired their weaker weapons forward, and Super Bateiroth went to the next move in his attack pattern... floating up a bit.

"God damnit!" Bateiroth cursed.

Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Prismatic Sword...

"We're detecting at least fifty more subspace portals!" one of the bridge bunnies shouted. "More LPO ships! They're completely ignoring the MST instability!"

"Damn!" Bright Noa cursed loudly. "And what about our own reinforcements?"

"All we have is Bate down there." Rebecca Black said. Her, Gwen and Jone had managed to escape the chaos of the Cult's dimension. The latter two were in sick bay, but Black was on the bridge.

"There's no way the Armored Division would make a dent. They're built for MS-on-MS fights, not planetoid-sized capital ships. And if we try and escape, we'll get torn to shreds by the instability. Damn it!"

"Wait, we're detecting more ships! They're not part of the LPO..."

"Huh? But if they're not ours and not theirs..."

The alleigance of the ships was quickly proven when they deployed their Super Robot squadron. The Prismatic Sword continued its assault as both the Super Robts and the Presbyterian Church's ships entered the fray.

And Bateiroth had finished his attack pattern, letting him use Magna Supernova again. The attack swallowed ten or fifteen LPO ships.

"We're fighting a losing battle here." Bateiroth said over the commlink. "We need to retreat!"

"Believe me, I'd like to." Noa replied. "But the local subspace is unstable. There's no way we'd get home in one piece."

"Really? Hmm, let me see what I can do." Bateiroth conjured a small portal, far too small for any of them to fit through.

Unfortunately, a precise hit from the LPO knocked the Prismatic Sword's shields offline. The Sword tried to retreat, but it took several hits in the process; the Church ships took its place, but their firepower was somewhat lacking.

"Alright, you bastards! Put your backs into it!" The small portal, which was a link to the HQ of The Villains, had several mages crowded around it. They poured their magic power through it, powering up Bateiroth.

"WORMHOLE X-TREME!" Bateiroth opened another, much larger portal near the Prismatic Sword. The Sword flew through it, back to the Light Brigade's nearest outpost; once it was through, Bateiroth made the smaller portal grow, and he flew through that. Both portals disappeared once he was through.

And it was at that exact moment that the Cult of Pratonic's dimension was completely consumed by the Void. But rather than turning completely black, it instead became a mass of silvery fluid. Its body gradually started to expand, while firing millions of silver tendrils downward. Some of the Church and LPO ships managed to escape, but the rest of them, and the entire world of Ailma, were not so lucky. The entire planet was pulled into the Void, and absorbed by Fey.

* * *

><p>Gendo sat in his office. As expected, the operation was successful; he had an incredibly-powerful Archetype under his complete control, and though he had lost quite a bit of his fleet, he no longer needed them. It was only a matter of time before the Great-Lord was reborn.<p>

A robot barged into his office, throwing off his concentration.

"What is it, ROB?" Gendo asked wearily.

"Sir! My experiment, it's been disrupted!" ROB flailed his arms around wildly.

"...What do you mean?"

"I told you about my experiment, right? Well, some travelers interrupted it, and now they're free! You've got to send your forces to re-capture them!"

"As you wish. I will inform Hogan to dispatch some of his soldiers to find them. Is that all?"

"Yes!" ROB ran out of the office, still flailing his arms.

Gendo knew that those prisoners would not be recaptured. But it didn't matter. His plans were too far along to stop at this point. He'd given up a lot to get to this point, but soon... soon, the Akashic Records would be complete.


	13. Discos in Time and Space

"Ah, I am pleased to see you at full strength once again, Master."

Disco Megatron stepped out of one of his many reconstruction chambers. His not-so-loyal flunky Starscream stood by, bowing while greeting the leader of the Decepticons.

"Of course you are, Starscream." Megatron said. "Did you once again claim complete control of the Decepticons?"

"Wha-no, of course not! Even in death, I am loyal only to you, my Master!" Starscream said hastily.

"Right." Megatron snarked. He had once again reformatted his body; now he was in his Bayformers incarnation, which was far more complex than most of his other forms. While the complexity had some... disadvantages, he felt more powerful than he had in a long time. Of course, he kept his trademark 'fro and shades, as they were the regalia of the Lord of Dance.

"How was the mission?" Starscream asked.

"Pitiful." Megatron said distastefully. "I falsely swore alleigance to one of Ikari's flunkies, but I learned no new information about the Life Preservation Organization."

Megatron and Starscream walked throughout the factory. This was their headquarters, as well as their mechanical womb; Megatron looked on as Decepticons of all shapes and sizes were put together, piece by piece, by hundreds of automated stations.

Of course, they needed money to construct and maintain both the factory and the Decepticons. In recent years, they'd resorted to becoming a mercenary outfit, doing any job as long as it paid well. Megatron's brief alliances with Exodus and the Dark Empire were meant to advance his personal goals, but both of those resulted in massive casualties and the ire of other factions.

Megatron's brief work under Hulk Hogan, one of Gendo Ikari's inner circle, would give them the information they needed to bring down the LPO once and for all. But of course, he was just a glorified security guard. Their goal was (apparently) to remove the Cult of Pratonic's influence over the world of Ailma, but the Ultimate Warrior had destroyed his newest body barely a few days after joining them.

"Have we received any new contracts?" Megatron asked.

"A few, yes. I have dispatched our best soldiers to take care of them." Starscream started listing off names, but Megatron could care less; almost all of the Deceptions were mass-produced and expendable. Only the few of them originally created by the Super Robot Project were of any note, and most of them were in administrative positions.

"Ah, I forgot to mention..." Starscream brought up a holo-screen, showing the visage of King Darkstos.

"I have been informed by your subordinate that you are incapacitated at the moment." Darkstos said, with a hint of amusement in his voice. "However, once you are back up to full strength, I would like to discuss another contract. Do not worry; it will be more exciting than protecting my stronghold. I will be waiting for your reply."

Starscream closed the holo-window. Megatron was not particularly fond of Darkstos; he had no idea what the Dark Empire's goal was. As far as he could tell, Darkstos only wanted to conquer as much as he could, as quickly as he could.

"Very well. I will discuss it with him." Megatron said. "I leave the administrivia to you, Starscream."

"Of course! I am always your loyal servant!" Starscream bowed again, though Megatron saw a hint of a smile on his face. Megatron was well aware of Starscream's nature; all of the original Decepticons had been hard-coded to obey Megatron, but Starscream was the only one who had mostly broken free of that upon their Awakening. But Megatron was not afraid of being usurped; as it stood, Starscream was often giving the orders anyways, and if it came down to it, Megatron far outclassed him in pure power.

Megatron activated the alien technology within him, ripping apart spacetime and opening a portal to the Dark Empire's stronghold. Most of the original Decepticons had upgraded themselves by integrating alien technology into their bodies; in Megatron's case, he had taken a portal-creating device and amplified its power by thousands of times, effectively letting him move anywhere within the universe in minutes. He stepped through the portal.

"Ah, Disco Megatron! So nice to see you again." Darkstos said upon the latter's arrival. In his current form, Darkstos stood as tall as Megatron, and he brimmed with dark magic. Darkstos was probably using this form in an attempt to intimidate Megatron, but he saw right through it - at the end of the day, Darkstos was just another squishy human.

"My time is precious. Tell me about your contract."

"Yes, yes, let's get down to business." Darkstos snapped his fingers, creating a projection of a modern-looking city on a massive screen behind him.

"This is Earth, circa 2011." Darkstos said. "I assume you are familiar with Earth?"

"Yes." Megatron said. He had personally never been, but the beings he was based on were, for the most part, intimately familiar with the planet.

"Well, we've been detecting some major space-time anomalies around the planet. My science team believes that the cause of the anomalies is this thing."

The image zoomed in on a seemigly-innocuous alley. Megatron noted a tall blue box sitting in the alley.

"What is it?" Megatron asked.

"I have no idea. But if you manage to retrieve it for me, I will pay you handsomely. Of course, I would prefer a modicum of subtlety in this mission."

"We are called Transformers for a reason." Megatron said. His current alt-mode would not be very... subtle, but he could easily scan for another one once he arrived. "But why should I care if they see me or not? They lack any weapons strong enough to harm me without causing massive casualties of their own people."

"Well, the thing is... they do have weapons that could hurt you." Darkstos said. "Some of their higher-ups got wind of my invasion plans, and they started stocking up on exotic weapons. I don't know exactly what they have, or how widespread they are, but I don't want to take the chance. I know that you can be rebuilt, but I would rather you not have to go through that again."

"Death is painless for me." Megatron said. "But I suppose I will try and use... subtlety. What is the payment for this?"

"I know of a dead planet that is rich in the metals used to build your kind. If you bring the blue box back to me, I will give you the location and deed." The image behind them switched to a small planet. Megatron had no way to tell if it was indeed rich in metals, but if Darkstos was lying... well, he could deal with dark magic.

"Fine." Megatron powered up his portal device, and traveled to the coordinates given to him by Darkstos.

Megatron appeared outside of the city. It was dark, and no one seemed to witness his appearance. He began scanning for alt-modes. It only took a few seconds before he found one - a dump truck of some sort. It wasn't his first choice, but it would do. He scanned the truck, using it as his new alt-mode.

But it wasn't quite big enough for him to fully fit within it. He had to shunt some mass off to his Akasha.

How ironic.

Megatron headed off toward the blue box's coordinates. As far as he could tell, it was in the same place; it was giving off major energy readings, though the particular type of energy was unknown to him. His best guess was that it had something to do with the time-space anomalies Darkstos had mentioned.

It only took him about twenty minutes for him to reach the blue box. He transformed into his robot mode and grabbed it with one of his clawed hands, but it proved to be heavier than he expected; of course, he was still able to pick it up and carry it around.

"Very good." he said to himself. But it couldn't be that easy... could it?

Megatron created another portal, back to Darkstos' stronghold. But as he stepped through it, the blue box started to make an odd noise.

"What?" Megatron growled. The portal began to destabilize, but he went through it regardless...

...and reappeared in the same place, but in the daytime.

Megatron looked around. No, this wasn't exactly the same. It was... different. Older? No, newer. The buildings were relatively clean, compared to the weathered look they had before. Had he been warped into the past?

He was suddenly deafened by shrill screams. He saw several dozen fleshbags running from him in fear, and he couldn't help but laugh. He set the blue box down and prepared a Water spell, but before he could cast it, he fell to his knees. His left leg... it was completely numb.

"That's enough of that." A man holding a strange device stepped out of the blue box. He had the device pointed at Megatron's leg.

"Grragh!" Megatron growled. He tried swiping at the man, but his arm went limp as well.

"So, you're the one who took my TARDIS. Quite a brute, by the looks of you." the man said. "What's your name?"

"You dare demand my name?" Megatron yelled. He tried to get up, but he was now completely immobilized by the man's device.

"Oh, I'm sorry. How rude of me. I'm the Doctor." He halfheartedly bowed. Megatron knew of this man: an advanced alien, from a long-extinct race of time masters. By the looks of it, he was in his tenth incarnation.

"Grr... I am Disco Megatron, absolute overlord of the Decepticons."

"Yes, of course you are. Now tell me, why were you trying to take my TARDIS?"

"I... I need it."

"Oh, is that so?" The Doctor said cheekily. "Well, unfortunately for you, you can't have it. Besides, it's malfunctioning at the moment - I don't know what you want it for, but even if you took it, you wouldn't be able to use it at all. I was in the process of fixing it, but then you had to come along..."

"Then... hurry and fix it!" Megatron yelled. He was still disabled by the sonic screwdriver, but he was slowly regaining control. Soon, he would crush that pathetic Doctor and claim his TARDIS...

But something interrupted. A gigantic leg crashed down, shaking the street. Both Megatron and the Doctor looked up, and saw massive three-legged machines descending from the sky.

"What?" The Doctor said in disbelief. "Those- but those are supposed to be fictional!"

"Obviously, somebody disagrees with you." Megatron said. The Doctor turned his sonic screwdriver off.

"Those, those are the tripods from War of the Worlds." The Doctor said, still shocked. "But what are they doing here?"

"It doesn't matter, because they'll be gone soon enough!" With his strength returned, Megatron jumped toward one of the tripods, tearing through one of its legs with a single swipe. The tripod fired its heat-ray at Megatron, piercing his shoulder and knocking him to the ground.

"What's all this?" A man in a deerstalker and his bumbling sidekicked asked The Doctor.

"Hmm? No, you're... Holmes?"

"I'd like to think so. And you are?"

"I'm... the Doctor. Actually..." The Doctor thought back for a moment. "I seem to recall we teamed up at some point! I probably looked a bit different, though."

"Hmm..." Holmes studied The Doctor's face closely. "Hmm... The Doctor, you say? Yes, I do seem to recall that as well. But what in the world are those things?"

"I do believe they're the tripods from War of the Worlds." Watson said.

"Nonsense..." Homes said unconvincingly. "And what about that metal man?"

"DISCO ATTACK!" Megatron blared 'Stayin' Alive' while releasing waves of multicolored light, breaking a few of the tripods while causing a few others to have an epileptic seizure. He'd taken a few more hits from the tripod's heat-rays, but he was barely slowed down.

The Doctor looked back, and he noticed that the TARDIS was shaking.

"Oh dear, not again... You two, come here!" The Doctor, Holmes and Watson all ran into the TARDIS.

"My word, it's much bigger-"

"Yes, I know, we don't have time for that!" The Doctor said. "Brace yourselves, the flight's about to get a bit turbulent!"

Outside, Disco Megatron noticed a hexagonal barrier forming over 1900's London. Ignoring the tripods for a moment, he fired a Waterga at the barrier, but it did nothing. He flew up to the barrier and attempted to pierce it with his claws, but he just rebounded off of the barrier, falling back to the ground.

Megatron tried opening a portal, but he couldn't lock on to anything outside the barrier.

"Slag." he said.

And then, the entirety of 1900's London was thrown back in time, to roughly around the eleventh century AD. It appeared in roughly the same place, overwriting everything it landed on. Megatron was okay, but the tripods instantly collapsed. The barrier vanished, but Megatron still couldn't lock on to anything to teleport away.

The Doctor, Holmes and Watson stepped out of the TARDIS.

"What the hell's going on here!" Megatron demanded.

"Like I said, the TARDIS is damaged!" The Doctor said. "And don't talk to me in that tone! Don't make me pull out the sonic screwdriver again!"

"Ggh." Megatron said in disgust. To think he could be disabled by such a petty weapon... "Fine. Let me look at it."

"What? You've got to be kidding." The Doctor said.

"I'm an advanced mechanical lifeform. At the very least, I should be able to interface with it and run a diagnostic."

"...Fine. But if I see any funny business..." The Doctor waved his screwdriver threateningly.

Megatron yanked a USB cable out of his head and gave it to The Doctor, who plugged it into the TARDIS' console.

Instantly, Megatron was flooded with images, sensations, descriptions of places and times...

But he mentally waded through the sensations, to find the TARDIS' schematics. Naturally, he downloaded them. But while looking through them, the sheer scale of the TARDIS' design hit him.

In addition to being the most powerful, Megatron liked to think of himself as the most advanced of the Decepticons - after all, he was the leader. But even an advanced mechanical lifeform was nuts and bolts compared to this thing. The mechanics, the functions, the power source...

And, according to internal data, this machine was obsolete and about to be reduced to scrap when it was liberated by The Doctor.

It didn't take long for him to isolate the problem. One of the vital circuits in the 'time matrix', whatever that was, had been slightly dislodged. Of course, the circuit was located in a place that would pretty much necessitate the dismantling of the entire TARDIS.

Megatron relayed this information to The Doctor.

"Hmm..." The Doctor was stoic, but Holmes' keen eye could tell that he was on the verge of tears. "There's no other way to fix it? You're sure?"

"Not according to the internal schematics." Megatron said. "But why can't you just build a new one?"

"...It's complicated." The Doctor said.

"Why, what is that?" Watson pointed something out. It was... another TARDIS?

As they watched, two people stepped out of the other TARDIS: another Doctor, this time in his eleventh incarnation, and a red-headed woman. They approached a man in armor drawing a sword from a nearby lake.

"King Arthur! Can you direct us to the carrier of the Herpaderp virus?" Steven Moffat asked.

"Who art thou?" King Arthur asked. He pointed his sword, which was inexplicably a gold-colored katana, at them.

"I'm Obscurus Lupa! I saved the universe!" Lupa said proudly.

"Still your tongue, wench! Women have no place in a talk between men!"

"I don't like your attitude!" Lupa said. She punched King Arthur into the sun.

"...What?" The Tenth Doctor, Holmes and Watson ran over to them. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Curses!" The Eleventh Doctor threw off his disguise. He was... ... ...The Master!

"Why, it appears to be Professor Moriarty!" Watson said dimly.

"No, you dunce!" Holmes slapped Watson in the back of the head.

"My evil plan was almost foolproof!" The Master said. He grabbed King Arthur's sword and threw it, almost skewering Holmes - but Megatron invervened.

"Ha! Stupid humans!" Megatron laughed. He crushed The Master between his fingers, reducing him to a fine pink goo.

And then Robin Hood showed up. The Doctor, Holmes, Watson, Robin Hood and Lancelot ran off, having adventures in time and space in The Master's TARDIS.

"So, who are you supposed to be?" Lupa asked.

"I am Disco Megatron, leader of the Decepticons!"

"Pfffff~" Lupa laughed. "Disco Megatron? Really? Let me guess, you're the Lord of the Dance or something?"

"Laugh now, woman. For I am the very incarnation of the Disco Force!" Megatron demonstrated by turning the surrounding area into a dance floor and summoning several disco balls, all of which proceeded to buff him with protective spells.

"Ooh, the Disco Force, I'm so scared." Lupa mocked. "Who was the previous incarnation? '70's Dude?"

"Indeed. He was disposed of rather easily." Megatron said. "And once he did so, his powers passed on to me. I then tied my spark directly into the Disco Force, meaning that, as long as there is Disco, I will live on!"

"Okay, seriously, that's a terrible idea." Lupa said. "No wonder you get killed so often."

"Oh, did I offend you? I'm sorry, maybe you should've thought about that before infusing your soul with disco music."

"ENOUGH!" Megatron fired his fusion cannon at Lupa, but she artfully dodged. She responded with a Crane Kick to his chest; this unexpectedly powerful attack knocked Megatron flat on his ass.

"Yeah, you just got served, dance boy!" Lupa posed heroically.

"RRRARRRGH!" Megatron's rage activated something within him; a previously unknown facet of the Disco Force. Megatron got up, releasing waves of sound and color from every part of his body. A white dance suit formed around Megatron's body, and he gained ridiculously-high platform shoes.

"...Yeah, I'm still not scared." Lupa said.

Megatron gathered the disco balls, arranging them in a strange pattern. He pointed his fusion cannon at them and fired, supercharging all of them with pure Disco Force energy.

"DISCO BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!" Megatron and the disco balls fired beams of pure energy at Lupa. She managed to block most of them with a force field, but the impact of the beams forced her right through the planet, sending her into the Pacific Ocean.

Megatron reverted to his normal form. He noticed that the other, broken TARDIS had been miraculously repaired by his deus ex machina powerup. He grabbed it and, using the TARDIS' own teleportation abilities, returned to Darkstos.

"Ah! Excellent." Darkstos said hammily when Megatron returned. "How'd it go?"

"It doesn't matter." Megatron said. "Where is that planet?"

"Yes yes, it's right here." Darkstos gave Megatron a set of coordinates. "And I must say, I'm quite impressed with your speed. Why, it was only a few minutes since you left! Of course, when time travel is involved... I suppose I should be glad you didn't return before I sent you."

"You knew it would send me into the past?"

"I had a feeling that it might. But no harm done, right? Now then, off you go. I'll call up your people if I need any more help."

Megatron opened another portal, to the planet Darkstos had given him. On the way, he realized something: despite his power and stature, Megatron himself was just another expendable pawn to Darkstos. Sure, it came with mercenary work, but... it put things in perspective.

But Megatron still had the TARDIS schematics stored. With the right materials, he could start building more... or even improving on the design. Yes, this would prove to be extremely useful.

Megatron landed on the dead planet. A quick surface scan showed that, sure enough, the planet was rich in both Energon and raw materials. This would be a perfect place to build their new home.

From now on, Megatron answered to no one but himself. The Decepticons would sell their services no longer; now, they would do things only for themselves. This was the start of a new age: the Age of Megatron! And all beings, organic, mechanical or other, would bow down to him! 


	14. Escape From Hell, Part 1

A woman awoke in a dimly-lit chamber. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she noted her surroundings: it appeared to be a prison cell made of weathered cobblestone. The iron bars of the cell were rusted, and the door was lying on the ground. With nothing physically keeping her in the cell, she stepped out of it.

But what was this place? She had no recollection of coming here... or of anything, really. She tried racking her brain for something, anything that would shed light on this, but all she could recall was her name:

Hope. Hope Chapman. Yes, that sounded right. But she had another name, too, a title of some sort... but it didn't come to her. It probably wasn't important.

Hope noticed a glint of metal on the floor. She grabbed one of the torches attached to the wall and brought it closer. A metal bar of some sort, in perfect condition, sat in front of her feet. She picked it up; it was shorter than the iron bars of that cell, and though it definitely looked metallic, it wasn't very heavy. Was this some sort of weapon? Well, she had no idea what this place was, so it couldn't hurt to bring at least something along to defend herself with.

It was odd. It seemed like she knew instantly how to use it as a weapon, though she was sure she'd never had actual training with it. Oh well.

She decided that it was probably best to get out of here... wherever "here" was. The stone passage led onward, with no end in sight; but since there was no way back, she didn't really have a choice but to press forward. The torch she'd grabbed off the wall provided enough light to see, and the fire refused to go out; she even tried rubbing it against the floor, but the flame still happily crackled. Oddly convenient, but handy.

How long had she been walking? Her feet weren't tired, and she wasn't hungry or thirsty (even the concepts of hunger and thirst seemed weird to her). And the stone passage was uniform, down to the placement of the torches; only on the right side of the passage, placed every 50 blocks. For that matter, the cobblestone was set in perfect 1m^3 blocks, and the passage was 10 blocks high and 10 blocks wide. As for how long it was...? Well, she was still trying to figure that one out.

"Hey!"

Hope nearly died of shock when she heard a nearby voice. A lanky red-headed man dressed in fancy-looking blue clothing ran up to her from out of the darkness.

...But the man ran right past her, not even acknowledging her presence. Instead, the man started having a rather animated conversation with a torch.

"I told you, don't run away from me!" the man said, waving his pointer finger at the torch. "That demon's still on the loose, and-"

"Hello?" Hope said. "Uh, who are you?"

The man turned around for a brief second, but brushed Hope off again.

"God damnit, answer me! I know you're just a torch, but we've gotta stick together!"

"Hey!" Hope said again.

"Just... just another hallucination." the man muttered to himself. He grabbed the torch and caressed it like a child.

"I'm a real person!" Hope said angrily. "Stop ignoring me!"

"You wouldn't believe how many of my hallucinations have told me the same thing." the man said sadly. He turned around and looked Hope right in the eye; she noticed that his eyes were milky white.

"Well, just humour me for a minute. What in the hell is this place?" Hope asked.

"Exactly. This is Hell." the man replied. "I have no name, but you can call me Crazyguy. And this is Belle, my lovely wife." He held the torch in front of him. But his half-crazed grin quickly turned into a frown. "Say hello, Belle! No, I don't care if she's a hallucination! She's more real than you!"

"...Oooookay. Um, I'm just gonna keep going."

"Please do. I have much better things to go crazy over." Crazyguy said. He ran back into the darkness, screaming something about lesser soul gems.

Well, that was a waste of time. Hope continued onward... though she was a bit turned around from talking with Crazyguy, so she had no idea if this was the right way or not. But even if it wasn't, she'd just end up back at the cell. And unless she was forgetting something vitally important, she had all the time in the world.

Another indeterminate amount of time later, and Hope came across another person. Or at least, she hoped it was a person. Because, unless she was going crazy as well, this... thing looked exactly like her. The difference, though, was that this thing was half-submerged in the cobblestone floor, swimming around like it was water.

"What?" Hope said rhetorically. "What, who are you?"

"BIUJBDUICBZIUBSKIBJ." her... clone replied. It was opening its mouth and speaking, but all that came out was painful-sounding gibberish.

"Shit, I am going crazy." she muttered to herself. "Okay, I didn't get any of that. Try enunciating."

"OIN BOINFOIBB FOIWOIS SW!" it insisted.

"Whatever." Hope kept moving forward, but she turned back and noticed that the clone was following her. But it was swimming on the ceiling for some reason.

"God, what do you want?"

"GHEHWHND XNDNHED." the clone said. With an expression of extreme sadness, it skulked off into the darkness.

"For godsakes... Okay, come back here! I'm sorry!" Hope yelled down the corridor. Immediately, the clone swam back to her, hugging her legs and crying more insane gibberish. Hope patted it on the head, and they both continued onward.

But it wasn't long before they ran into Crazyguy again. This time, he was holding two torches.

"Yeah, and I'm happy I cheated on you!" he screamed at one of the torches. "Oh, it's the hallucination again." He threw both torches to the side. "How can I help you?"

"Uh, do you know what this thing is?" Hope pointed to her clone.

"DSKJHDFLKBPOFHDBSP[COHEEBC!\|" the clone 'said', swimming around in circles.

"...So, you're not just a figment of my imagination, then." Crazyguy said, sounding completely serious.

"Well, yeah, but what brought you to that conclusion?" she asked.

"That thing there? It's a Water Demon. We're going to have to fight it." Crazyguy threw off his shirt, revealing his surprisingly thin but toned chest.

"Well, I guess I can fight..." Hope looked at the metal bar in her hand. "But can you?"

"Sure can. Stand back."

Hope took a few steps back. Crazyguy screamed for at least a minute, until he was surrounded in an aura of golden energy. He stepped out of it, revealing that he was now a Super Saiyan.

"Uh..."

"PFOJGUIGBRVBSVYI8DSIUGODNS." the Water Demon whispered. The section of the corridor they were in collapsed, and both Hope and Crazyguy fell onto a vast cobblestone floor. They looked up, and saw a gigantic floating sea serpent of some sort descending from on high.

The Water Demon opened up the battle by flinging icicles at them. Instinctively, Hope spun the metal bar around in front of her, deflecting the icicles back at the Water Demon. But the icicles weren't powerful enough to pierce its hide.

"DEMON SPARK!" Crazyguy pointed at the Water Demon, and a beam of yellow energy shot out of its stomach. The beam reflected off of the floor, and roboteched in midair back toward the Water Demon, striking it again... but with no real effect. The wound caused by the initial beam was gone as well.

"Eh, I'm good with illusion magic." Crazyguy shrugged.

"Well, you're a goddamn Super Saiyan! Can't you just use your fists or something?" Hope said angrily.

"I could. Or I could use Falmagic! CHOCOLATE RAIN! SOME STAY DRY WHILE OTHERS FEEL THE PAIN!"

Giant globs of chocolate fell from... the sky, drenching the Water Demon in rich chocolatey goodness. It tried firing more icicles, but they just shattered in midair; somehow, the chocolate had weakened it.

Hope leaped onto the Water Demon, striking it right between the eyes with her staff. It roared in incomprehensible pain and fell to the floor.

"My turn!" Crazyguy dashed toward the Water Demon and punched it in the lower jaw, knocking it into the sky. Afterward, he picked up some of the chocolate off of the floor and licked his fingers.

"Ew." Hope said.

"It's actually pretty good. It tastes like racism." Crazyguy said cheerfully. "But that Water Demon, it's not dead yet."

As if on cue, the Water Demon landed on the ground. But rather than being in no shape to breathe, let alone fight, the Water Demon started floating again. Its chocolatey coating was gone, and it was back at full power.

"Hold on, he doesn't want to fight." Crazyguy said. "EOHIEOI3BOO2IHWOB?"

"FUEU83HEIHVCNCNSAOAO." the Water Demon replied.

"Yeah, it wants to join us." Crazyguy said, turning back to Hope.

"...You're completely serious, aren't you?"

"He wants to get out of here as much as we do. Come on, let's let him come with us. Pleeeeease?" Crazyguy begged.

"Fine."

"Hooray!"

"LFOINHROINR!"

Hope and Crazyguy jumped on the Water Demon. They flew below the stone corridor, which was apparently suspended in midair; there was a vast cobblestone floor beneath them, but the 'sky' was just a black void in all other directions.

But even though the Water Demon was much faster than just walking, they still had quite a bit of time before they reached the end of the corridor. (The Water Demon did assure them there was an end.) In the meantime, Hope had a few questions for her companions.

"So you're a Saiyan?" Hope asked. It seemed odd that she knew exactly what that was, and that she should be both angry and surprised at meeting one. She was also pretty sure that amnesia didn't work like that, but she didn't really want to worry about it too much.

"Well, the thing is, I've been blind most of my life. So my other senses became hypersensitive to compensate. I'm also pretty big on martial arts, and I found my way to an ancient Tibetan monastery that trained me in their ways. It was only a matter of time before I unlocked my Super Saiyan potential." Crazyguy said.

"That's... not how that works." Hope replied.

"Yeah, I know. So I sacrificed a bunch of people instead."

Adequately horrified at that revelation (and how casually he said it; she figured that her revulsion meant that she was still sane), Hope decided not to ask him anything else.

"And what about you, uh, Water Demon?"

"IIO3OINFOINRON!" it said.

"He came from a place called Tropica, apparently." Crazyguy said, interpreting its words somehow. (Insanity powers?) "He got killed by some ice bitch and was sent here, apparently."

"Ice bitch? Did he really say that?"

"Nah, I made that up. Gotta spice up the stories, right?"

"Ugh." Hope shook her head. How did she end up with these two?

But it wasn't much longer before they reached the end of the corridor. They knew it was the end because there was another flat, featureless wall made of cobblestone in front of them. On top of the stone corridor was a large stone tablet of some sort.

There was writing on the tablet; oddly enough, it was in English. Since her companions were either blind or sea serpents, Hope looked over the inscription and read it aloud.

"You don't understand, his Buick is huge!"

"Ah!" A deep, ethereal voice sighed in relief, and a mouth formed on the surface of the tablet. "Hello there! It's so nice to finally talk to someone."

"BNIFODSGBP?" the Water Demon asked.

"I think you're thinking of 'DSARFAFG'." the mouth said.

"JOSDIVNOFVM JASODPIJ NAHUFO."

"Ha ha! Too true... too true." The mouth disappeared, and a figure emerged from the tablet. It had an overall humanoid shape, but it was made up of countless rocks of all shapes, sizes and colors. Rather than a face, the golem had a series of dots on its head.

But the golem couldn't fully emerge; it was still technically sealed, and the inscription only allowed its head and torso to emerge.

"Okay, is there something I'm just not getting?" Hope said, visibly frustrated. "How come everyone else can understand that thing?"

"It's simple, really." the golem said. "It's only speaking Gibberish, a language with no rules or set parameters. It's fairly easy to interpret once you know the basics."

"I... fine. So can you help us get out of here?"

"I could, if I weren't stuck in this rock." The golem pointed to the tablet. "Would you mind helping me out?"

"Of course we'll help!" Crazyguy said. "DANCING LIGHTS!" He created some multicolored lights that just danced around.

"...right." Hope smashed the tablet with her staff, and the Water Demon created a localized downpour over the tablet and flash-froze it, breaking the tablet into little pieces. The golem was unharmed, and he jumped out of the tablet and did a little dance.

"It was getting quite cramped in there. Thanks for letting me out." The golem bowed to his three rescuers. "I'd like to introduce myself, but I don't really have a name. I suppose you could call me Regirock, after my species name."

"That's boring!" Crazyguy said. "I'm gonna nickname you! You're gonna be... Dwayne."

"I see. I will gladly take that name." Dwayne said proudly.

"VJBJRNVNDE; SWOKDJKNV 2NF?" the Water Demon asked.

"Well, I pissed off my creator by, well..."

"Urination upon the one who gave life to you is usually not a good idea." Crazyguy said, without a hint of irony in his voice.

"More importantly, you can get us out of here, right?" Hope said.

"Yes." Dwayne pulled a scroll of teleportation out of his chest cavity, and threw it to the ground. A portal opened up, above the base of the ruined tablet; Hope, Dwayne, Crazyguy and the Water Demon (who reverted to its Hope-lookalike form) went through it...

...and ended up in another cobblestone corridor.

"Hmm. That's rather odd." Dwayne remarked. "That should've taken us back to the Quarry..."

"Perhaps there's some sort of teleportation-inhibiting field in this place." Crazyguy suggested. "But if this isn't your home... where is it?"

"Well, why don't we keep going and figure that out?" Hope suggested snidely. She started walking down the corridor, but it wasn't long before she came across a fork in the path.

"Okay, which way should we go?" Dwayne asked.

"Right. Always right." Crazyguy said. "Any maze can be completed if you just follow the right-hand wall." He ran to the right, but it wasn't long before he reappeared from the left side, while also walking on the ceiling.

"Oh gee whiz, this place is non-Euclidian. That's just lovely." Hope said sarcastically. She started walking to the left, and when presented with another fork, went left again... only to reappear behind Dwayne and the Water Demon, who were standing on the left wall from her perspective.

"TIOTNTRON#O#SSNDOND!" The Water Demon said. It created a surprisingly detailed ice sculpture on the ground in front of it, 'swam' a few steps, and created another one.

"A breadcrumb trail, hmm? Well, at least someone else isn't totally insane." Hope muttered under her breath.

The group continued onward, with the Water Demon and Dwayne alternating their trail with ice sculptures and rocks, respectively. (One of Dwayne's moves was Rock Slide, which conjured rocks out of nowhere; rather than throwing them at an enemy, he applied them for a slightly different purpose.)

But it wasn't long before they were separated again; though they were all heading in the same direction, both Hope and Crazyguy were already on different sides of the corridor when they rejoined the group, and the odd properties of the maze meant that they ended up in different places.

Almost immediately after getting lost again, Hope was attacked by a blue pigman wearing armor. It squealed as it pointed its spear at her, telling her in no uncertain terms that she would end up on the end of that weapon if she didn't fight back.

"God damnit, why are there Moblins down here?" Hope somehow knew what a Moblin was, despite not remembering anything about them. This selective amnesia thing was getting really weird. But she didn't have any time for thinking about that, as the Moblin charged at her. Hope struck the shaft of the spear with her staff, breaking the tip off and lifting her into the air. She delivered a flying kick right in the Moblin's chest, knocking it down and likely doing some severe internal damage.

Hope tried slamming her staff on the Moblin's chest, but the blunt damage didn't kill it; he grabbed her and threw her against the wall. As she got up, he grabbed the tip of his broken-off spear, wielding it as an impromptu knife. But Hope swung her spear at the Moblin's legs, knocking him on his ass; she heard a loud crack as he landed, and the Moblin squealed in pain.

"This is the part where you fall down and bleed to death!" Hope shouted as she kicked the Moblin right in the jaw, and finished him off with a well-aimed smack to the skull with her staff. The Moblin breathed its last and died, vanishing in a puff of smoke. It left behind a green rupee and an odd-looking ring with some sort of flower engraved on it. She didn't have a wallet, but she took the ring with her.

Hope continued wandering around the maze, until meeting back up with the Water Demon. It was still laying down ice sculptures, but the small figurines were little more than lumps of never-melting ice, lacking the details of the first few it'd set down.

"dihneibeuibw..." the Water Demon whimpered. Its voice still sounded like nails on a chalkboard, but it sounded fatigued.

"Yeah, whatever. Come on, let's go find those other two." Hope said dismissively. They kept going forward, but it wasn't long before the bland cobblestone corridor gave way to dull gray metal. At the end of the metal corridor was a wizened old man in a green robe, and two glass tanks behind him. Within one of the tanks was a dark-haired young man wearing a yellow headband, while the other tank held a buff martial artist in a blue gi. Both of them had all sorts of wires attached to various parts of their bodies.

"Who're you?" the old man asked.

"I was just about to ask you the same thing." Hope replied. "And what is this place?"

"This is the Maze of Get Lost! And I'm Socamp, the Sage of Getting Lost!" the man said. "And you're lost!"

"I could've told you that. Now how do we get out of here?" Hope asked.

"I told you! You're lost! You can't get out of here until you're found."

"God damnit! Is there anyone in this whole damn maze that isn't crazy?" Hope pointed her staff at Socamp. "Listen up. Tell us how to get... unlost, or I'll smack you around until you squeal like a pig."

"Ha! You won't get anywhere with that attitude." Socamp said. "But if you insist, I guess I can fight with you for a bit. First... your friends are still hopelessly lost, so let's bring 'em here!"

Socamp waved his hands, and both Crazyguy and Dwayne appeared out of midair. The room melted away, replaced by another featureless floor with a black void above.

"And to even the odds..." Socamp vanished, but reappeared as four identical clones of himself. "Ha! Just try and find the real me!"

"Easily done." Dwayne ran up to one of the clones and swung at it, but he passed right through. The illusion retaliated with a Water spell of some sort, which was naturally super-effective against him.

Getting the hint, Crazyguy dashed at another one of the clones, delivering a powerful kick to it - and passing right through. This particular clone countered with a fire spell, which Crazyguy was immune to. The Water Demon and Hope attacked the remaining clones at the same time, but even those two were fake. One retaliated with a burst of air, while the other threw rocks.

Obviously, this was a puzzle boss.

First, all four of them matched up against their respective elemental type; the Water Demon attacked the water Sage, Crazyguy attacked the fire Sage, Dwayne attacked the earth Sage and Hope attacked the wind one. Hope was, for some reason, immune to wind magic, which seemed quite convenient.

But even when they attacked in unison, all four of the sages were illusory.

"Ha! Why would I create only three clones and hide among them, when I could simply create four and just hide?" Socamp's disembodied voice said.

"You know, that's actually kind of clever." Hope admitted. "But you're still hiding somewhere."

On a whim, Hope put the ring she took from that Moblin on her finger. She raised her staff into the air, and announced "Grant me the power to bring the world revolution!" Instantly, her clothing (previously a black t-shirt and jeans) turned into a fancy-looking dueling jacket and bright red shorts, and her staff changed into a thin gold-white rapier with roses engraved all along the blade and on the pommel.

Hopetena ran at one of the illusory sages, stabbing it with her sword; the sage vanished, leaving only rose petals in its place. The other three illusory sages, horrified by Hope's new deus ex machina powers, tried running, but Dwayne distracted them with more rocks while Crazyguy sang Chocolate Rain, giving the clones a tangible form.

"TNENEINENDNOOTGTW IANVC!" The Water Demon shouted.

"Wait, I understood that!" Hope said. "Combination attack, huh? Yeah, let's do it! Oh God, I'm going crazy too."

"COMBINATION ATTACK: WILTING ROSE!"

Hope swung her sword in a wide arc, leaving a wave of floating rose petals in midair. The Water Demon flash-froze them and flung them at the clones, completely destroying them. This caused the real Socamp to reappear.

"Bah! We can't let those two show us up. Come on Dwayne, let's finish this guy!" Crazyguy said.

"A combination attack? I'm not sure I can do that..." Dwayne said uneasily.

"It's easy! Just follow my lead."

"COMBINATION ATTACK: EARTH-SHATTERING KABOOM!"

Dwayne smashed the ground, splitting it into numerous chunks of rock and metal. Crazyguy's aura flared, condensing all of the shattered pieces into a small, perfectly-round sphere, which he threw at Socamp; on contact, the rock exploded with a loud bang, completely reducing the Sage of Getting Lost into little bits of flesh.

Once done, the room they were formerly in reappeared. Socamp was surprisingly still alive, and none the worse for wear, it seemed. Hope was back in her normal attire (though the sword, and a scabbard that appeared out of nowhere, was strapped to her belt) and the Water Demon was in its lookalike form.

"Ha, not too shabby!" Socamp said, oddly cheerfully. "I haven't had a fight like that since I fought that explorer and his robot friend! But unfortunately, I still can't let you out."

"Oh? What if I do THIS?" Crazyguy grabbed a rock from Dwayne and threw it at one of the glass tanks behind Socamp, shattering it. As the fluid spilled onto the floor, its inhabitant instantly woke up.

"Hey! You trapped me in this tube!" Ryoga shouted angrily.

"No! Those two were powering my maze!" Socamp exposited while screaming in fear. Ryoga broke Black Belt out of the other tube, and they both grabbed Socamp and dragged him into the depths of the maze.

"...Okay then." Hope commented. Another portal appeared on the wall, and without a second thought, all four of them walked through it.


	15. Backstroke of the West

"So, you're Exacerbate?"

"Just Bate is fine."

A magical wooden pirate ship floated in front of a bald man wearing red robes. The former was Bate, a flying dutchman who had just witnessed the destruction of an entire world; the latter was named Mace Windu, one of the Masters of the Presbyterian Church.

"It's a pleasure to meet you in person, Master Windu." Bate said. Due to his size, they were meeting in the hangar of the CRF, the Church's military division. The hangar was home to the CRF's Super Robot squadron, an elite group of mecha pilots; most of the mecha were dispatched at the moment on various missions.

"Likewise." Windu said. "But time is of the essence. What happened at Ailma?"

"Well, there were some Church ships there too. Didn't they report in?" Bate asked

"Yes, they have. According to Captain Picard, the entire planet was absorbed by an Archetype. But what about the Cult of Pratonic and the Void?"

"Oh, right. Sephiroth told me everything while we were combined. Well, Gendo Ikari was playing everyone. He says that the Void is a dormant god of some sort, and he plans on using Fey - that's the Archetype that absorbed Ailma - to reawaken it, and complete some kind of record." Bate said. "You know, that sounds kind of improbable when you say it out loud."

"It's no laughing matter." Windu crossed his arms. "I'm going to speak to the other Masters. In the meantime, you're free to run around town. I'll call you again when I'm done."

Windu reached into his robes, and pulled a small technological doodad out of his pocket. "Authorization code EMDE-1137. Lucca, send a message to all the Masters: We need to meet immediately."

"Yes sir!" a scratchy female voice replied. "Teleporting in 3...2...1... Energized!"

Windu was reduced to his component atoms, each of which was sent to a secure room deep underneath New Corvasi. On the receiving end, a teleportation pad restructured his body into his normal form.

The Presbyterian Church was an old institution, but the technology that allowed them to teleport at will was older still. It seemed that a lot of the CRF's tech ran on black boxes and unexplained physics; Lucca and the rest of the R&D department were doing their best to standardize and copy their Super Robot tech, but progress was slow, to put it lightly.

But most of the Masters could care less. They weren't an army, after all: they were peacekeepers and police. The Church hadn't been involved in an actual war for many, many years... but the situation with the Life Preservation Organization was quickly escalating. And if Bate's words were correct (and Windu had no reason to disbelieve him; he had ways of knowing truth from lies), they would have to act quickly.

One by one, the other Masters appeared. They took their seats around the five-sided table in the center of the room; the replicators brought up some refreshments.

"Why have you called this meeting, Master Windu?" Master Albert asked.

"I have received new information about the LPO. Their goals are related to the Akashic Records."

"Heresy, belief in the Records is." Master Yoda said. "But to say that to us, believe in them you do."

"I have no reason to doubt my source."

The other Masters all looked at Windu. The Akashic Records - supposedly a collection of all knowledge in the universe - was not a belief endorsed by the Church; if a Master declared his belief in them in any sort of public place, they'd likely be excommunicated. But this was not a public place, and the other four Masters knew that Windu would not endorse a heretical doctrine without a good reason.

"Do you have any other evidence?" Master Damien asked.

"My source also told me that the Void is the body of a dead god, and resurrecting it is key to Ikari's plan. This is consistent with what we know of the Cult of Pratonic's beliefs."

"Indeed it is. But we don't have the military power to stop the LPO." Master Paul said. "Unless you have a plan for that too, Master Windu..."

"I do." Windu said. "I believe we should ask the GMF for help."

"What?" Damien said incredulously. "Are you insane? Sure, the GMF will take care of the LPO, but they'll clear out us too!"

"I do not believe we need to resort to the GMF." Paul said. "There are other factions opposed to the LPO, such as the Light Brigade or the Legion."

"Even if we allied with both, Ikari has a Greater Archetype under his control. We can't defeat them in a straight battle without help." Windu said. "And I believe it would be advantageous to patch things up with the GMF."

The other Masters fell silent. The Great Machine Force, or GMF, was a nebulous organization with vague goals. They'd been around for much, much longer than the Church, and in fact, the Church had stolen some of their tech before their foundation. The GMF had never come after them for it, but it was understandable why they might not want to contact them for help.

"This situation is critical. Even if the GMF decides to destroy us... if they are able to destroy the LPO as well, then it will have been worth it."

"Agree with Master Windu I do." Yoda said.

"Yes, I do as well." Master Albert agreed.

"...Fine." Damien agreed, though obviously reluctantly. "But you will be responsible for contacting them."

"Of course." With the meeting somewhat adjourned, the five Masters all teleported back to their tasks. Windu teleported to a huge computer room, where a purple-haired girl in a white lab coat was tapping away on a keyboard.

"Hello, Lucca. What's the status on the Ailma fleet?"

"Oh!" Lucca, startled by Windu's entrance, nearly fell out of her chair. She turned around and respectfully bowed to him. "I'm sorry Master, I didn't hear you come in!" She slipped on her helmet, which was connected to a huge mainframe suspended above her by a series of wires. "We... we took heavy losses, sir. We lost 7 ships, and a total of 6,504 crew."

"...I see." Windu assumed a meditative stance, and prayed for the souls of the poor men and women lost in the battle. Once he was done, he got back up, maintaining his composure all the way through. "Can you find me the nearest GMF outpost?"

"The GMF, sir? I don't think they're active anywhere near us." Lucca started tapping on the keyboard again, bringing up displays of several nearby galaxies. "Hmm... Ah! I've found one in the Dethl sector of the Andromeda Galaxy."

"Excellent. Are there any long-range cruisers ready to take off immediately?"

Lucca brought up a list of CRF ships. "Hmm... the Allah Gold can be ready in two hours."

"Excellent. Call up a few Super Robot pilots too. I want to be prepared."

"Yes sir." Lucca went back to work.

Two hours later, the Allah Gold, the biggest and strongest flagship in the Church's fleet, was loaded up and ready to go. At max speed, it could cross intergalactic distances in a few hours; but the trip to the GMF outpost would be the easy part.

Windu stood on the bridge of the Gold, listening to the crewmen go through the startup sequence. His mind drifted to the fallen soldiers in the battle of Ailma... nearly 7,000 souls had been absorbed into that Greater Archetype. He was not sure if they were still conscious or not after being absorbed, but he prayed that their souls were able to move on.

The Gold shuddered as they left the CRF's spacedock. Once they were clear, they accelerated to 99% lightspeed, then engaged the warp engines.

Just as expected, the trip was relatively uneventful. Their particular brand of FTL ran on a series of black boxes, none of which they fully understood, but their best guess was that it created a beacon at the exact point of their destination, then used both some sort of exploit in the laws of physics and some straight-up magic to get there in a reasonable amount of time. Again, most of their tech had been seized from the GMF, who presumably understood it enough to create it in the first place.

Another few hours later, and the Gold arrived at their destination. The planet itself was a barren rock... surrounded by thousands of ships, including an absolutely massive circular space station that looked like it had been made by piecing together hundreds of the smaller ships.

"Identify yourselves!" a voice barked over the commlink.

"I am Roj Blake, captain of the CRF ship Allah Gold. We wish to speak with whoever leads your station."

The link went dead. The entire bridge crew waited in silence, half-expecting to be blown out of the skies by the GMF fleet.

"Very well. We will meet with you." A different voice answered them. One of the many moon-sized ships came over to them. "Teleport your ambassadors to this Leviahamut. We will speak there."

The link went dead again.

"I will go." Windu said. "Captain Blake, if I do not return or contact you within one hour, leave immediately."

"But Master-"

"I understand that this is your ship, Captain, but this is an order. We have already lost enough of our men today; I would gladly give my life up if it meant that this ship would get away."

"...Yes sir."

Windu went, alone, to the teleporter room. The technicians bid him farewell as he stepped on the teleporter pad, and he felt himself once again being broken down and reassembled on the GMF ship.

"So you're one of the Church's masters, hmm?"

Windu was greeted by a ten-foot-tall woman with pink hair and four arms, dressed in dressy-looking space armor. Windu noted the four lightsaber hilts on her belt.

"Yes, I am Master Mace Windu. I am honored that you would deign to meet with us."

"Yeah, whatever. Come on, the Great Speaker's waiting."

The woman led him to another teleporter pad. They both stepped upon it, and some robotic-looking dudes activated it; they ended up underneath a huge glass dome.

"May I ask your name, miss?" Windu asked.

"Name? Why the hell would I need a name? I'm one of the Great Machine Force's proud Lesser Archetypes, and I'm the commanding officer of this particular Leviahamut."

"I see. I wasn't aware that your kind could be Force-sensitive." Windu said.

"Eh, we're all a bit different. I think I fought an alternate universe version of you at some point." Archetype shrugged. She walked over to a control panel and pressed a big red button on it. Part of the floor opened up, and a large humanoid machine with a glowing red core came from it.

"Great Speaker, the representative of the Church is here." Archetype said.

"WE SEE THAT." The machine turned to Windu. "WE SPEAK FOR ROSSUM THE MACHINE-KING. IF YOU REQUIRE A NAME FOR THIS UNIT, YOU MAY CALL US DREDGE."

"A pleasure." Windu bowed to the machine. "We have come to inform your leader of a threat that we believe threatens the universe."

"IS THAT SO? PLEASE ENLIGHTEN US." Despite being a monotonous machine, Windu got a hint of sarcasm from those words.

"Within our galaxy exists a group called the Life Preservation Organization. We believe that they plan on taking control of the Void and using it to absorb the universe."

The red core in Dredge's chest flashed three times in succession.

"WE HAVE CONFIRMED THIS. WE HAVE ALSO DETECTED A MEGA-LEVEL GREATER ARCHETYPE IN THE VICINITY." Dredge's core flashed again. "YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THE PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH, ARE YOU NOT?"

"That is correct." Windu's hand instinctively moved to the lightsaber hilt within his robes.

"TELL YOUR DISCIPLES THAT THE MACHINE-KING HAS FORGIVEN THEM FOR STEALING OUR TECHNOLOGY. BUT BE WARNED: IF YOU OVERSTEP YOUR BOUNDARIES AGAIN, WE WILL DESCEND UPON YOU WITHOUT MERCY. TREAD CAREFULLY."

"We are humbled by the Machine-King's limitless compassion. But... what of the LPO? Will you intervene?"

"THAT IS FOR US TO DECIDE. NOW LEAVE, AND DO NOT RETURN TO THIS PLACE."

Archetype led Windu back to the hangar, where the teleportation bay was ready and waiting.

"Why don't you come with us?" Windu said to Archetype. "You could do a lot of good in the Church, and I could help you develop your Force powers."

"I am only loyal to the great Machine-King." Archetype said. "To show loyalty to anyone else would be heresy."

Windu stepped on the teleporter pad.

But nothing happened.

"Is there a malfunction?" Windu asked.

"Did you really expect to leave here alive?" Archetype grinned. "The Machine-King might have forgiven the Church's disciples, but he sure as hell hasn't forgiven you. Your ship's already gone, and you won't be going back."

"I see." Windu grabbed his lightsaber... and threw it to the side. "I figured as much. I would gladly sacrifice myself to ensure the safety of the entire Church."

"Whatever. Come on, go out like a warrior and at least try to put up some defense." Archetype drew all four of her lightsabers; the blades were all brilliant white.

Windu calmly walked toward Archetype. The robot soldiers filled him full of laser bullets, reducing his body to a smouldering pile of ash.

"What a waste." Archetype sheathed her lightsabers. "Come on guys, let's get the fleet ready."


	16. Escape From Hell, Part 2

Hope, a young woman with selective amnesia who woke up in a maze of some sort.

Crazyguy, an insane man with random Super Saiyan and Falmagic powers.

The Water Demon, a gibberish-spewing monster who can swim through anything.

And Dwayne, an intelligent Regirock sealed in a stone tablet for pissing the night away.

This unlikely crew met up in a Hell-like place made of cobblestone corridors, and they now seek to get the hell out of here. After escaping from a non-Euclidean maze, they find themselves in a pristine meadow with a single tree...

"Well, at least it isn't more corridors." Hope said. She sat down, leaning against the tree. "Let's take it easy for a bit, hmm?"

"Shouldn't we be moving on?" Crazyguy asked.

"We have all the time in the world. Come on, let's just sit for a bit." Hope yawned and closed her eyes. She wasn't necessarily tired, but she was ready for a nap.

"OIRIORBONANSHNBBOUDSUB?" the Water Demon, in its slightly more mobile form of a clone of Hope half-submerged in the ground, said uneasily. Its voice was hideous, but even those who didn't understand its language could perceive the meaning behind its words, as long as they knew the basics.

"I agree." Dwayne said. "This place is quiet... too quiet."

"Actually, I'm pretty tired too." Crazyguy said, sitting against the tree as well. "Why do we even need to move on? Let's just stay here."

"Something's not right here." Dwayne said. "You guys need to get away from that tree."

"Nah." Hope lazily rebuffed him.

"DISINDEIBEDIBCDCMSX!" the Water Demon shouted. It morphed into its true form, a flying blue-green sea serpent, and wrapped its tail around the tree. With some effort, it ripped the tree right out of the earth and chucked it into the horizon.

"Huh? Why'd you do that?" Crazyguy said. "Wait... I think that tree was trying to brainwash us."

"I believe so." Dwayne said. "It was emitting some sort of spores that sapped your will to live."

"What a dumb idea." Hope said. She got up, grabbing her rose sword off the ground, and observed the hole in the ground. There seemed to be something stirring in the dark void...

Hope backed away as a giant tentacle shot upward. Without even flinching, she drew her sword and swung it, unleashing a sword beam made of roses and severing the tentacle. An unknown beast roared in pain, deafening them.

A huge, cycloptic face emerged next. It gazed upon Dwayne, firing a beam of light at him. Since he was made of rocks, the heat aspect of the eye beam wasn't very effective, but the concussive force knocked him back a ways.

"RIUBTTIUBTIB!" The Water Demon rushed at the monster, spearing its single eye with its horn. (Did I forget to mention that it has a horn? Because it has a horn.) The monster opened its massive jaw, revealing rows upon rows of sharp, jagged teeth, and bit into the Water Demon.

"No!" Crazyguy flew at the monster and delivered a megaton punch to its forehead, leaving a huge bloody gash. But the monster kept its jaw shut tight, clamping down on the Water Demon further. Dwayne used Earthquake, while the Water Demon cast a Blizzaja-level spell within the monster's mouth; the combined attack caused the monster to let go of the Water Demon.

"Certain-Kill Technique: Single Stroke Battle!" Hope called her attack as she flash-stepped behind the monster, swinging her sword at the end; the monster didn't react until its face slid off, spilling torrents of black gore across the pristine field.

"BIG BANG ATTACK!" Crazyguy pointed his palm at the dying monster, firing a concentrated sphere of yellow energy at it; the sphere exploded on impact, reducing it to bits. (Crazyguy really liked explosions, if you couldn't tell.)

But though the randomly-appearing monster was defeated, the damage was done. The Water Demon was still alive, but barely; the monster had cut it into multiple pieces, and the sections still connected to its main body were barely held on by strips of flesh and bone. It weakly cried in pain.

"Shit!" Hope screamed. "Crazyguy! Can't you use your music magic to heal it or whatever?"

"Falmagic." Crazyguy corrected. "And no, I never learned any healing techniques."

"And I lack the Recover move as well." Dwayne said sadly.

"Damnit..." Hope kneeled in front of the Water Demon's head. She drew her sword and gently tapped it on its head. "I'm... I'm sorry. All I can do is... end your suffering."

"No need. I can heal him."

The three of them turned around, to see an odd robot hovering toward them. It took a vial of some sort out of a compartment on its base.

"Huh? Who're you?"

"I am the Robotic Operating Buddy, but you may call me ROB. I am the creator of this place." ROB uncorked the vial and poured it on the Water Demon's tail; almost instantly, it was good as new, without even so much as a scar.

"EOIUWNOEBEOEIUB3WB1!" the Water Demon said happily as it got up.

"Thank you, ROB." Dwayne said respectfully.

"Indeed. Now then, I suspect that you are wondering why you're here."

"Damn right!" Hope said, sheating her sword. "What is this place?"

"All three of you were near-death when I found you. You were all evil, irredeemable beings who would surely go to Hell if I had not intervened. Crazyguy... you sacrificed the lives of countless people to gain the abilities of a Super Saiyan. The retribution from your peers was swift and brutal."

"Hey, I didn't sacrifice any innocents!" Crazyguy protested. "They were all murderers, rapists, pedophiles... all of them deserved it."

"The Water Demon betrayed his people to gain power, but his body and mind were melted away by the sheer power of the magic he had unsealed..."

"FBNVONIOUBCOIUHBSOISBXNS..."

"And you, Hope. You refused the embrace of Mother Death when she came for you. You were sentenced to eternal wandering, intangible, alone..."

"I don't remember that at all." Hope said, obviously annoyed. "You altered my memories, didn't you?"

"No, I didn't do anything of the sort." ROB had no visible face, but all four of them could tell that he seemed annoyed for some reason. "I took you from your wretched states and brought you here, to my dimension. All of you can yet be redeemed, and I wish to facilitate that."

"Out of the goodness of your robotic heart?" Hope said sarcastically.

"Yes." ROB said. "You have grown together as a team, but you must gain strength on your own. You will each undergo a trial to strengthen your individual resolves, then, assuming you survive, you will complete the final trial as a team. If you manage to succeed, you will be free to leave."

ROB waved his arms, and four portals appeared.

"Seriously, this is just way too convenient." Hope said. "I wake up here with no memory, and you tell me that I can leave if I jump through hoops to redeem myself, and you're doing this just because you can."

"I am not forcing you to go on." ROB said. "You may stay here if you wish, but you will not move on without my help."

"...Fine." Hope walked through one of the portals, which vanished as she went through.

"I don't have anything to lose, I guess." Crazyguy walked through another portal."

"...BNIBNDOPIHDN." One of the portals expanded, and the healed Water Demon flew through it."

"Good luck, guys." Dwayne stepped through the last of the portals. ROB stared at the empty space that the portals previously occupied, curious as to how they managed to unseal that monster.

* * *

><p>Crazyguy woke up, after what seemed like a long sleep. His enhanced senses told him that he was in a grassy field, surrounded by a thick forest. There didn't appear to be any obvious exits.<p>

Crazyguy walked into the forest, wandering through the densely-packed trees. But it wasn't long before he came across another clearing... though it appeared to be exactly the same one he was previously in.

"Hey!" A deep voice startled him. Crazyguy powered up.

"Who are you?" Crazyguy demanded.

"Hey, hang on a second. I'm here to help! My name's Luigi, and I'm the director of this particular trial."

"...Luigi? I know that..." An image of a man with a green hat and overalls came to his mind, though obviously he couldn't tell if the man talking to him looked anything like that. "So where am I? It seems like some sort of forest, or something."

"Correct. But you won't be able to get out of here without my help." Luigi said. "Follow me."

The two of them headed back into the forest, only to emerge in the exact same clearing after a short time.

"So, tell me. Why exactly are you here?" Luigi asked.

"I sacrificed a bunch of people to activate my latent Super Saiyan powers."

"Well... that's... nice." Luigi said. "I don't exactly hear that every day."

"It's not like they were innocents or virgins or anything, though. They were all evil... they deserved to die."

"Is that so?" Luigi asked. "Well then, let's start the first trial."

Luigi waved his hand, and Crazyguy instantly fell to the ground, writhing in pain.

"ARRGH! STOP THIS!" Crazyguy screamed.

"Of course." Luigi waved his hand again. Crazyguy's pain was relieved, but he heard a young girl screaming in agony in his place.

"That girl... you gave her, you gave her my pain?" Crazyguy could almost feel the suffering of the girl.

"Correct."

"No, I can't... Give it back. She doesn't deserve the suffering..."

"As you wish." Crazyguy fell to the ground again; every nerve in his body exploded. He screamed in angrish.

"What do you think?" Luigi asked. "Do you want to get rid of your pain?"

"No... Don't make... don't make her... suffer..." Crazyguy struggled to get up, but fell to the ground. His arms barely worked, but he crawled toward Luigi's feet. "I'm... I'm strong..."

"Indeed. Your pain is gone." Luigi waved his arm again, and Crazyguy got up. "Not bad. You've passed the first test."

"I can take anything you've got." Crazyguy boasted.

"Indeed. But first, I'm curious: do you honestly believe that sacrificing certain people is a good act?"

"Well, not really." Crazyguy admitted. "But like I said! I did it to protect other people."

"Yes, I suppose so. But those people may have not been irredeemably evil, as you seem to believe. They did terrible things, but perhaps they had good reasons as well."

"How could they have good reasons for killing others in cold blood, or doing terrible things to children?"

"Who knows? Regardless, it's time for your second task." Luigi conjured a number of heavy objects, which fell to the ground with a dull thud. "It's a fairly simple block puzzle. It shouldn't be difficult to solve."

"Uh, I'm blind." Crazyguy said.

"I noticed."

"Well, how am I supposed to solve it?"

"You can figure it out."

Unimpressed with his unhelpfulness, Crazyguy used his other senses to make up for his lack of sight. He could sense the blocks' energy, but he had no idea what to do with them; he couldn't tell if there were any indents in the ground. So instead, he grabbed one of the blocks and stacked it atop another, repeating that with the other six blocks.

"There. Is that right?" Crazyguy asked.

"I don't know. Is it?"

"Argh! I've had enough of your vague half-truths! If you can't give me an answer, then I'm gonna say it's right!"

"Indeed. Then you have passed the second test."

"What?"

"You shouldn't be afraid to reject others' rules and laws in favor of your own. But at the same time, you should remember that everyone, no matter what they do or have done, has the right to live, just as you do."

"Okay there, Nietzsche." Crazyguy said. "So what's the third test?"

"It should be easier than the previous two. All you have to do is defeat me in battle."

"Ha! That should be easy."

"And my two brothers." Two more Luigis popped into existence.

"Huh? What about Mario?" Crazyguy inquired.

"That's... why I'm here in the first place. Let's just say that he can't hold his nightshade extract. Now then, have at you!"

Crazyguy powered up, absorbing the three Luigis' fireballs with his aura. He redirected them as a beam of fiery ki, completely annihilating one of the Luigis.

But they were just getting started. Luigi 1 dashed at Crazyguy and engaged him in some classic DBZ-style rapid-fire fisticuffs, but Crazyguy held his own. Luigi 2 threw a well-aimed fireball, scorching Crazyguy's arm and distracting him at a critical moment, allowing Luigi 1 to knock him into the ground.

"What do you fight for, Crazyguy?" Luigi 1 asked. "Do you fight just for yourself? Do you seek power to defend others, or do you defend others to gain more power?"

"Stop confusing me!" Crazyguy shouted back. "I've done things that I regret, and I lost my mind for a while, but now it's all clear! I fight because I have the power to defend the people I care about! And as long as I have power, I'll keep doing everything I can to protect them!"

"It's easy to justify anything when you're doing it for loved ones." Luigi created a planet-sized fireball above them, but Crazyguy fired a Big Bang Attack at it, dissipating it before it did any damage.

"I don't need to justify my actions to anyone! I forge my own path in life, and if people stand in my way, I'll just go right through them!"

Crazyguy's aura intensified, and his golden hair grew to ridiculous lengths. He'd achieved the Super Saiyan 3 state. Before either of the Luigis could react, Crazyguy grabbed Luigi 2 and delivered a massive electric shock to him, disabling him; he then blasted Luigi 1 with a:

"FINAL FLASH!"

"FLAME KAMEHAMEHA!"

The two men got into an epic beam struggle. But even at his maximum power, Luigi was no match for Crazyguy, and his Flame Kamehameha simply couldn't hold Crazyguy back.

"You have passed the final test. Now go on, and do not forget to respect your fellow man..." Luigi said as he was vaporized by the Final Flash. A portal opened, and Crazyguy, still pretty crazy but more sane than before, stepped through it.

* * *

><p>"...AD RHTM E SISAE?"<p>

The Water Demon was floating above a castle nestled in the mountains. The castle was made entirely of magical ice, which wouldn't melt from any normal heat; unfortunately, the approaching horde of horse-riding soldiers, dressed in thick fur armor, were flinging fire spells and magical arrows, wearing down the fortifications slowly but steadily.

A single soldier, dressed in dragon-scale mail and wielding a huge trident, stood on the wall directly above the castle gate. He removed his helmet, revealing his old, battle-scarred face and thick mane of jet-black hair. He was well-protected by the various magical barriers they had set up around the castle; even if the walls melted away, there was no way these barbarians would gain access to Winter's Keep.

Another soldier, dressed in fur-lined iron plate, ran up the stairs onto the top of the walls. His armor loudly clanked as he looked upon the invaders.

"My god... General Siere, is that the Light Brigade?"

Siere looked at the soldier's face. He was barely of age, his armor was ill-fitting, and he had a simple shortsword at his side. This soldier had not yet seen the horrors of war, and if Siere had his way today, he would be spared... at least, for a little while longer.

"Yes." he replied. "But do not worry. Our Barridiers will not fall to their little arrows and fireballs."

"Sir, His Majesty has ordered us to surrender to them."

"...Hmm." Surrender? Siere could not think of a reason to surrender to the Brigade. Winter's Keep had been attacked before, but it had held fast against stronger forces than this. The Barridiers, specialized mages that kept the Keep's magical defenses strong, were all but invincible; of course, this meant that the Keep's army was little more than symbolic, and only the former adventurers among its ranks had any experience.

"I see." Siere said. "I will go and speak with His Majesty about surrendering. Stay here and keep watch on the Brigade."

"Yes sir!" The soldier saluted as Siere descended the stairs between the walls, and walked toward the Keep itself.

Siere had been born and raised in the Keep, but as young men are wont to do, he left to gain experience in the wide world once he was of age. He'd had many adventures throughout his lifetime, including slaying the dragon that would later be made into his trademark armor. Though he was old and brittle after a lifetime of fighting, he was still the fiercest warrior in Winter's Keep, and the leader of their rather small armed forces.

He knew why the Light Brigade was after them. Winter's Keep was built over a font of magical power, and many magical artifacts had been created in its walls. The Brigade could be after any number of the relics in the Keep, but Siere believed he knew the specific one they were after: the Ewer of Purification, which was said to turn any water within it into an elixir of life. Of course, it was kept under heavy lock to prevent anyone from misusing its power.

The Water Demon, invisible to the world, remembered his former life as this man. Yes, this was the day that his life changed. But why would ROB show him this? His memories of this day was one of the few things he remembered from his former life. Morphing into his Hope-lookalike form, the Water Demon swam behind the old general as the great gates of the inner Keep opened.

Siere calmly walked into the Great Hall of the Keep. The hall was normally full of all sorts of merriment, but it was oddly quiet today. The soldiers of the Keep stood at arms, bowing as Siere walked by; but just like the young man on the walls, these soldiers had little to no combat experience.

He stepped into the throne room, and bowed to the King of Winter.

"General Siere. What is the word on the battle?" the King asked.

"The Barridiers are doing their job admirably." Siere said. "I do not believe we need to surrender."

"I have heard many stories of the Brigade." the King said, with a hint of fear in his voice. "As I understand, the forces assaulting us at the moment are but a fraction of their army. We may repel this group, but they will come back with greater numbers and weapons, and I do not wish to lose any of my men unnecessarily."

"Your Majesty!" Siere got up. "You would stake the contents of the Keep on an uneasy feeling?"

"Yes, I would." the King said. "They do not wish to occupy the Keep. They simply seek a few magical trinkets, and as long as we hand them over, they will not harm us."

"...Yes, Your Majesty. I will personally deliver the surrender to the leader of the enemy forces."

Siere stepped out of the throne room, steaming mad. The current King of Winter was still young, and he had only taken the throne a few years before. Just like the soldiers, he had no experience with the dealings of the outside world. He also had no idea about the sheer power of the artifacts contained within, and how they could be potentially misused. He knew little of the Light Brigade, but he knew that these raiders would likely pillage more than just a few artifacts.

The artifacts. Yes. Siere could use them to drive them off. And if more Brigade members showed up, he would just use them again. And again, and again, as long as it took to stop them all.

Siere descended into the Keep's lower layers. The guards saluted him as he made his way to the treasury, where the most powerful of the artifacts were kept. But as he made it to the doors of the treasury, the guard on-duty stopped him.

"General Siere! It is a pleasure to see you, but what is your business down here?" he asked.

"The King has ordered me to retrieve some of the items from the treasury. He wishes to negotiate with the invaders."

"Ah, of course. Carry on, sir."

The guard took out his keys and unlocked the door, into the golden vault. Sitting upon a pedestal in the middle of the room was the Ewer; Siere took it, used some of his own magic to fill it with water, and took a healthy swig. It was more refreshing than any other drink he'd had in his life. His body surged with energy, and he felt like he was back in the prime of his adventuring days.

"Sir?" The guard peeked into the vault. "General, sir! It is forbidden to drink from the Ewer!"

"Back to your post, soldier. This does not concern you." Siere said, rebuking the soldier.

"But... but the orders are to kill anyone who even touches it." The soldier drew his shortsword, though he was obviously trembling.

"Ha! You think you can defeat me?" Siere swung his trident, creating a gust of cold wind that threw the soldier against the wall. He then took the other magical artifacts within the vault; the horn of a long-dead magical beast, and an amulet that menaced with spikes of obsidian. He donned the amulet, which gave him the knowledge of how to use that horn.

It required a blood sacrifice.

Siere walked over to the downed soldier, holding the horn in his hand.

"Do not worry, soldier. You will serve your kingdom, even after death." Siere thrust the horn into the soldier's heart. The soldier gave a weak gasp as he died; the horn greedily drank the blood of the soldier, sucking him dry. The horn's sickly red aura intensified as it finished its meal.

Siere then thrust the horn into his own heart. It cut through his dragon armor like paper; the wound probably would have killed any normal man, but the Ewer's elixir had given him more than enough energy to survive it.

The horn dissolved into his body. Immediately, his body grew several feet, and he gained at least 50 pounds of pure muscle mass. Rather than busting, his dragon armor was integrated into his skin, giving him the appearance of a man-dragon. To complete the figure, Siere commanded his new body to grow wings; sure enough, large, leathery wings violently sprouted from his back.

"Ha ha ha ha... HA HA HA HA HA..." Siere could do nothing but laugh. He took another swig from the Ewer, revitalizing him after the horrific transformation. The amulet surged with enough magical power to set the whole Keep ablaze. But it wasn't enough. He needed more.

Siere ran back into the vault, using his newfound magic power to unseal the font of magic. As he drew as much power as he could from it, several guards ran downstairs, witnessing their former captain-turned-monster drinking from the Ewer once again. They drew their swords and cautiously approached him, but he froze them all with ultracold breath.

Spreading his wings, Siere flew through the various floors of the underground Keep, ending up in the throne room.

He tried telling the King that he would take care of the invaders, but his mouth was no longer suited to speaking their tongue. Instead, it came out as "OURNIRURONANSISNSO!" The King's guards threw their spears at him, but they uselessly bounced off of his hide. For their insolence, he filled their lungs with water, then flash-froze it.

Siere left the Keep, and almost immediately, the Light Brigade stopped. Siere decided to show off his new power; he landed right in front of them, and with a sweeping gesture and a lot of magical power, he summoned a mighty blizzard that swept all of them away.

The Barridiers emerged from their positions underneath the Keep's walls. They tried to contain Siere, but he had far outstripped them. But they could be useful. Siere made up several new spells to siphon both the life force, magical power and knowledge from each and every one of the Barridiers. But the massive influx of power was too much for his body to contain.

He was forced to undergo another metamorphosis. His body burst at both ends, and a massive, blue-green snake-like creature emerged from it. It screamed, an ear-shattering roar of incomprehensible noise, lamenting its loss of sanity. With no more Barridiers protecting it, Winter's Keep crumbled into snow and ice.

"RORNFOIUBNFOIEBEOUB1!" the Water Demon shouted to all the lands. It would not be satisfied with this paltry magical power. No, it needed more.

But before its reign of terror could begin, the King, somehow still alive, emerged from the ruins of the Keep. In his hand, he held the last of the magical artifacts of the Keep.

"General Siere... I don't know what's happened to you, but... you're a threat to everyone!" The King activated the artifact, which had a single casting of X-Zone within it. The Water Demon was thrown into the Void... where it would be later retrieved by the Cult of Pratonic, and killed by an ice bitch.

The Water Demon from the present still floated, intangible, above the ruins of Winter's Keep.

"Why have you shown me this?" the Water Demon asked its invisible guide.

"You remember every last second of it, don't you?" a voice asked. "But you cannot even comprehend it anymore. You're just a mindless beast, instinctively seeking more power. You're a demon."

"I was... a man!" the Water Demon said. For the first time in a long time, his mind was clear. "I am a man! Even if my form has changed, I am still Siere the Dragonslayer!"

"Ha!"

The Water Demon appeared, in his Hope-lookalike form, on a snowy tundra. The only notable feature was a snowman.

"OFINFROINFOFN!" the Water Demon said. It swam up to the snowman.

"Is that so? You wish to regain your form and sanity, hmm?" the snowman taunted. "But if you do that, will you be able to live with your actions? You destroyed your home, you killed everyone you loved and held dear. You've committed countless atrocities for the Cult of Pratonic, all in the name of power."

"I... I was corrupted by power." the Water Demon said, bowing its head. "I've paid the price for it. I thought of myself as a hero, but my hands are stained. But even still, I will continue living. I will work for the rest of eternity to atone for all of them!"

"But power is so alluring, don't you think?" the snowman said dreamily. "It's so tempting to give into desire and take the power of others."

"I've learned my lesson." The Water Demon shifted into a form reminiscent of his old appearance, but more bestial; his dragon-scale armor was once again armor, though it was the same bluish-green shade, his helmet was the same as the Water Demon's head, and it had a long, whiplike spiked tail emerging from the back of Siere's head. Yet, underneath the armor, he was human once again.

"Perhaps you have. Show me!"

Siere drew his trident and pointed it at the snowman's head. He could feel the raw magical power within the snowman's hat.

"No." Siere the Water Demon threw his trident to the side. "Rage. Mindless, bestial rage is easy. Control is difficult. But I remember... I can control my urges. I am a monster, but I have the mind of a man... and I will not lose myself again."

"Good." The snowman melted. "Do not forget the sacrifice of Winter's Keep."

A portal opened over the snowman's previous position. Siere picked his trident back up and stepped through it. Control would be... difficult, but once he left this place, he would make up for Winter's Keep a millionfold. No, more than that.


	17. Light and Music

"Ah! Haldo, Miss Black."

"I'm here to see White."

Rebecca Black, the second-in-command of the Light Brigade, waited in an extravagently-decorated lobby. Waiting with her was Jone, an "information broker", and Gwen, his assistant; both of them had lost their homeworld to an attack by the Cult of Pratonic. Additionally, Rebecca realized upon first meeting Gwen that she was a living interface for the Brigade's Library, an extradimensional repository of information.

"Of course, Miss Black. Please, go in."

The secretary, a balding man in a purple bathrobe, pressed a button on his desk, and the doors into White's office opened.

Rebecca and White weren't exactly on good terms with one another. After the Scathe incident, three of the Brigade's highest-ranked members (the former Black, Orange and Violet) had abandoned them. Rebecca had been hastily promoted to the position of Black, serving as the second-in-command for the entire Brigade, but she was still seen as an inexperienced newbie by almost all of her peers, White included.

But she had plenty of time to prove herself. White obviously trusted her enough to promote her in the first place, and she'd been able to stymie the efforts of the LPO and the Legion on several occasions. Of course, she'd been less than successful with Ailma, which had been consumed by the Void, but at least the Prismatic Sword had escaped with only minor damage and no casualties.

Rebecca, Jone and Gwen stepped into the office. Unlike the exterior lobby, White's office was rather spartan; besides the essentials of a desk, computer and some filing cabinets, there were a couple of potted plants in the corner and not much more. White himself sat in a comfortable-looking office chair, sitting in front of a large window that overlooked a magnificent nebula.

"Greetings, Miss Jone and Miss Gwen." White stood up, removing his beret. He looked a bit scruffy, and he hadn't slept in at least a few days, but he still had the air of a leader.

"I prefer 'Mr'." Jone corrected.

"My apologies. I am Bennett the Sage, leader and founder of the Light Brigade. I prefer being referred to by my title of 'White'."

"Pleasure to meet you, Mr. White."

"Yes, I know." White clapped his hands, and three chairs materialized out of nowhere. Jone and Gwen sat down, while Rebecca remained standing.

"I'm ready to give my report." Rebecca said. "As per your orders, I went to the world of Ailma to investigate the reports of death suspension."

"You can stop there. I already know what happened on Ailma." White said. "And unfortunately, it seems that these two are the last survivors of the planet."

"Yes... it was all consumed by the Void." Jone shook his head.

"Actually, it wasn't." White said. "It was instead absorbed by an incredibly-powerful Greater Archetype, which now has deity-level power and is under Gendo Ikari's full control. But that's neither here nor there. Miss Gwen, did Black tell you that you are potentially a living link to our Library?"

"Yes, she did." Gwen nodded her head.

"Now, as it turns out, both of you are without a home, and I am missing two members among my elite ranks. I am prepared to offer asylum to both of you, but in return, I would like to give the Orange rank to you, Miss Gwen."

"I will accept." Gwen said.

"Excellent. Unfortunately, I cannot offer my other rank to you, Mr. Jone, as I have no idea of your skills. But if you like, you can enlist under my information division and work your way to the top."

"Understandable." Jone said, keeping a blank look upon his face. He was more than a bit insulted at White's blunt put-down of his abilities, but he didn't want to make that known to everyone else.

"Very good. Speak to my secretary outside, and he will arrange housing for you two. I will let you both have two months to get used to the City before I require you to report for duty."

"Thank you, sir." Gwen and Jone got up and exited the office, but Rebecca remained.

"May I ask a favor, sir?" Rebecca asked.

"What is it?" White said. He'd dropped his more formal tone, and was now back to sounding slightly annoyed. But that was his usual tone of voice, so she wasn't thrown off.

"Well, I would like to ask for two weeks of leave. I... my Falmagic training is inadequate, and I'd like to go and see my master for additional instruction."

"Fine. I can do without you for two weeks. By the way, what's Grey's status?"

"Last I spoke with him, Gandalf went to investigate a pocket dimension under the LPO's control. He wasn't on Ailma when it was absorbed."

"I see. Dismissed." White went back to his computer, and Rebecca left. White's secretary (he didn't seem to have a name; White always referred to him as "That Guy") handed a few sheets of paper and a set of keys to Jone.

"30 Gilesbie Lane, hmm?" Rebecca said, glancing over the deed in Jone's hands. "I don't live too far from there. I'll show you the way." They exited the office (Rebecca waved to That Guy on the way out) and made their way to a waiting elevator.

"Gilesbie Lane." Rebecca said. The doors closed, and the elevator began to move.

"What exactly is this place?" Jone asked.

"This is the City, the headquarters of the Brigade." Rebecca said. "It's a space station. Oh, um, it's basically a giant enclosed city floating deep in space." To demonstrate, Rebecca pressed a button on a keypad near the elevator's doors. The elevator walls became transparent, showing more of the same nebula that had been behind White.

"Incredible." Jone said. "To think that such things could be built at all, much less by humans. But that makes me wonder about something; everyone I've seen of your organization so far appears to be human, which seems a bit improbable."

"It's just a quirk of the multiverse." Rebecca shrugged. "But yeah, there's a huge network of elevators and lifts zigzagging throughout the City, and it's all voice-activated. That Guy should've given you a list of common places for recreation and stuff, but you're free to go pretty much wherever."

They stood in silence for a few uncomfortable moments, taking in the wondrous sights around them.

"So what's the deal?" Rebecca asked, breaking the silence.

"About what?" Jone said.

"Your features. You're pretty clearly a girl without that ring on, so are you just a transvestite or something? Er, I'm just curious, is all."

Jone sighed. "It's complicated. Let's just leave it at that."

"Well, we still have some time, and I promise I won't tell anyone."

"Jone was born male, but he was forced to accept a gender-swap spell to escape from the Mafia hitmen that killed his parents." Gwen said. "He came to Valtameri to find a wizard who could turn him back, but the spell backfired and he was left in a body with features of both."

"Oh... that's so sad." Rebecca said. "I'm sure we could find a mage around the City who could turn you back."

"It's quite alright." Jone said dismissively while glaring at Gwen. "I've gotten used to this body, and I would prefer not messing around with it further."

"But-"

"That is enough." Jone said angrily. "Thank you, Miss Black, for rescuing us from our doomed planet... but I have just lost almost everything I have ever known."

Rebecca and Gwen were both silent. Gwen noted that Jone very rarely got upset about anything, as he prefered to keep a layer of snark up at all times... but he'd been shaken up and nearly killed a few times over, which would erode anyone's inner mask. Gwen herself was holding up fine, mostly because she'd never really been attached to anyone in Valtameri; she hadn't been looking forward to becoming essentially a living, immobile computer for the Brigade (as Rebecca had initially suggested), but it seemed that she would still have some freedom. And that, combined with Jone's survival, was enough to keep her going.

The elevator came to a sudden stop, and the doors opened onto an idyllic suburban neighborhood.

"Okay guys, this is Gilesbie Lane." Rebecca said. "Uh, you should be able to find your way to you new home. I've got another assignment, so I'll make sure one of the other high-ranked Brigadiers checks up on you to make sure you're settled in and stuff. Until then, see ya!"

Jone and Gwen stepped out of the elevator, and the doors closed again. The elevator kept going down, to the main transport bay of the City; though they preferred using ships to travel around, the City had direct interdimensional transport doors, which would serve Rebecca just fine.

"Evening, Black!" One of the guards saluted her as she stepped out of the elevator into the hangar.

"Is it evening? I can never tell in this place." Rebecca commented. "Anyways, I need to use a portal. Are there any free at the moment?"

"Of course!" The guard led her to a row of door frames propped up against the wall. Most of them were active, with fuzzy images of alien skies and mechanical cockpits visible through glassy portals. The guard activated one of the empty portals.

"Thank you." Rebecca saluted the soldier. She stepped into the portal, which changed before her eyes into an old city of stone and metal...

Rebecca stepped out of the portal, into the city of the Meister of Falmagic. The Meister was the originator of the art, and its most powerful practitioner; the City of the Meister was built with but two minutes of song, and its people flocked from all over the universe to hear but one sweet note.

A heavenly aria drifted through the air, calming Rebecca. She had met the Meister on a couple of occasions, but her training had been completed by one of her direct pupils; she didn't even know if the Meister would train her, or if this was just a waste of time.

Rebecca walked through the City of the Meister, admiring the craftsmanship. The City had been carved from what is now called Half Mountain, which loomed over the city as a testament to the power of its founder; the mountain had been cut in half, and its material used to construct the City. The excess stone, dirt and metal went into the creation of the Remembrance of Song, a small satellite hovering in low orbit, kept tethered directly above the City by the Meister's will; the Remembrance of Song broadcasted specially-selected Falmagic songs at midday across the land.

At the center of the city was the Meister's temple, a gigantic music note made of ruby-colored stone and lavishly decorated with gold and precious gems. Oddly enough, the long line of people waiting to get a glimpse of the Meister was absent today, even though the sun was still up.

"Stop." A man dressed in a green and white robe stood in front of the entrance to the temple. Even while simply speaking, his voice was otherworldly and piercing, the telltale mark of an experienced Falmagic user.

"I've come to see the Meister." Rebecca said.

"Are you Rebecca Black?" he asked.

"That's right."

"I see. The Meister has foreseen your arrival." The man sang a single note, and the doors opened behind him. Rebecca stepped in, and another note closed the doors behind her.

In the center of the temple was the Meister herself, a delicate old woman dressed in a red silk robe. She sat upon a silk cushion in the middle of the room, surrounded by several notebooks each containing millions upon millions of notes. An enormous silver sphere sat high above at the peak of the temple, keeping the interior in perpetual daylight.

"Ah, Miss Black. Please, come and sit." The Meister conjured another silk pillow in front of her.

"It is an honor to speak to you, Great Meister of Falmagic." Rebecca respectfully bowed to her teacher's teacher.

"No need for fancy honorings or anything like that. Please, speak to me as if I were a colleague." The Meister said. "One Bennett White has informed me of your arrival, as well as your reasons for coming to the City."

"Wait, White did?" Rebecca wondered. She always got the impression that he considered her relatively expendable, so why would he give the Meister a recommendation? Was he really a nice guy after all?

"Indeed. He recommended you quite highly, in fact."

"Oh, uh, well... Great Meister! If you would deem me worthy, I would like to learn from your infinite wisdom!" Rebecca hastily said.

"Yes, I am sure you would. Consider yourself lucky; I have set aside two weeks to give you further instruction."

"You, you did?"

"Indeed. Mr. White told me of the conflict you are involved in, and I have agreed to help him by training you. And if it comes to it, myself and the most talented Falmagic users in the City will assist the Brigade in the assault."

"That, that's incredible! With you on our side, they won't stand a chance!"

"Heh heh."

The next two weeks were filled with intensive training for Rebecca. By the end of each day, her voice was hoarse and her throat raw, but the Meister's special juice healed her to full health, making her ready for the next day. Each day was more intense than the last, but Rebecca learned quickly, and her power grew exponentially.

At the end of the two-week offscreen training, Rebecca had all but mastered the art of Falmagic, or at least the theory. Practice would still be needed to perfect her art, but even after only two weeks, she was among the most powerful of the City's Falmagic users.

"Simply incredible, my child." the Meister said at the end of their training. "In my thousands of years of life, I have never seen one grow as quickly as you. I am honored to name you a Meister of Falmagic."

The Meister handed Rebecca a small metal amulet, set with a green gemstone in the shape of a star.

"This is made from the body of one of my dearest companions. Treasure it always, as his soul will give you power."

"His... body?" Rebecca asked uneasily.

"He was a robot. But his mind transcended his metal body, and he now lives in a more blessed state of existence. I suspect that he too will assist us in the battle."

"I, thank you, Great Meister." Rebecca bowed to her master, but not intentionally; a deafening explosion shook the foundations of the temple, throwing her to the floor.

"What is that?" The Meister got up and said "See!"; the enormous silver sphere above them displayed a fleet of starships in lower orbit, blasting the Remembrance of Song into pieces. One of the broken-off pieces had fallen near the temple.

"Those are LPO ships!" Rebecca yelled. Her voice too had taken the heavenly quality of the highest order of Falmagic masters. She tested her new power by singing a song she made up on the spot:

"Giant metal dragon, flying in space! Kill all the foes and feast on their corpses, yeah!"

Rebecca's rather uninteresting song worked, creating a city-sized metal dragon above the LPO fleet. It began to blast the LPO ships with its death eye lasers, while physically grabbing the ships and shoving them in its mouth.

"That's... quite an interesting song." the Meister remarked. "But I believe I shall add a second verse. Flying steel titan with dread piercing glares! Let justice empower and widen your gaze, yeah!"

The dragon grew several metal eye-stalks out of its long neck, each of which also wielded death eye lasers.

"HOOOLYYYY DRAAAAAAGON, SAVIOR OF THE EARTH! GROW TO GREAT SIZE AND KIIIILLLL THE INNNNVAAAADERRRRS!" The Meister and Rebecca sang in duet, belting out a face-melting metal scream at the end of the verse. The space dragon grew several sizes and gained a couple more heads and arms, which it used to easily finish off the last of the LPO ships.

But several shock troops had already beamed down to the surface. They easily overwhelmed the guard in front of the temple, despite his best efforts; and about a hundred of them, all armed with disintegrator guns, charged in the temple and surrounded them.

"You're wanted alive, Meister of Falmagic." One of the troops cautiously stepped forward, holding a gag in his offhand. "Don't make this harder than it needs to be."

"I have no intention of making it difficult." the Meister said. "Fools like you can be easily eliminated by the KIIIILLLLLSAAAAAATTTTTT!"

The Meister belted out another scream, and the space dragon's lasers wiped out all of the troops while leaving the temple mostly intact.

"I didn't even have to raise a finger." the Meister said, chuckling to herself. "So, Mr. Ikari believes that I am a threat. I suppose it is understandable... to be honest, I would have preferred to stay neutral, but I will not allow him to invade my turf and kill my students."

"Yeah, we'll kick his ass!" Rebecca shouted. "I'm sure the Prismatic Sword is repaired by now, so I'll call it to transport us back to the City. That is... as long as you're sure you want to do this, Grand Meister."

"Yes, I am." The Meister cracked her knuckles. "Mr. Ikari was responsible for the deaths of my companions, and I intend to pay him back for it."

* * *

><p>"What's the status?" White asked.<p>

"The fake fleet has been eliminated, and we've just received a pickup call for the Sword." That Guy responded.

"Perfect." White folded his arms. "I love it when a good plan comes together."

"Indeed, sir. Now then, shall I administer your daily blowjob?"

"Why yes, of course!"


	18. Escape From Hell, Part 3

Dwayne emerged at the foot of a mountain. An elaborate gate made of gold and iron was set into the cliffside; to his right stood a large house, and to his left was a series of simple mud huts. Immediately, the memories of his home flooded back to him.

"The Quarry." Dwayne whispered. He'd been created from the stone of these mines, and he'd toiled within them, along with his brothers, for endless years. As far as he understood, the Quarry was still within ROB's domain; he'd been sealed away after...

Why did he end up in that tablet? It seemed like he knew at some point, but he had forgotten.

Dwayne knocked on the house door. It was far bigger than any one man would need, and it was made of wood, which was rare around these parts. It was fortunate that this wood did not rot, but the assaults at night took their toll...

The double doors opened, and a naked woman answered the door. On closer inspection, she was made of mud and clay, and lacked any offending anatomy.

"Who are you." the woman said monotonously.

"I... I wish to speak with the Maker." Dwayne said. Though he lacked a stomach, he felt queasy.

"The Maker is busy. Come in."

The woman lead him into a sitting room. Naturally, being an animated pile of rocks, Dwayne decided to stand.

"Do you have a name?" he asked the woman.

"I am the Maker's servant. I need no name." she said.

"Yes, of course. He was never one for giving us names." Dwayne said distastefully. To be fair, none of the other golems had the same level of intelligence as he did, but the Maker had no attachment whatsoever to any of them. He'd witnessed scores of his brethren sent to their deaths against the night monsters.

A memory came back to him. Dwayne remembered his first thought:

"Rock Slide."

There were no rocks left. The Regirocks had thrown all of them at the night monsters. All of them. But the monsters were an endless tide of evil. So... one of them created more rocks. Not from its own body, as the other Regirocks were resorting to. But this one tapped into its reserve of magic, and used it to conjure more rocks.

Regirock used Rock Slide. The night monsters were mostly Normal-type, but his sheer physcial power ruined them. One of them, a tall green one, exploded on impact; two other Regirocks were reduced to rubble, as were a great number of the monsters.

The morning sun vanquished the horrible night. The rest of the monsters burst into flames, dying shortly after. But daylight only destroyed the monsters on the surface; the mines still swarmed with them.

"You!"

Dwayne was snapped out of his reminiscing by his master's voice. A centaur stepped into the sitting room, looking upon the golem within it with disdain.

"Master, it has been a long time." Dwayne said, bowing to the centaur. "I have come to seek forgiveness for my actions."

"Oh, is that so?" the Maker said mockingly. "You know, I don't enjoy being urinated on. It took me weeks to get the stench out. I don't even know why I designed you to urinate in the first place!"

"I am sorry. I should have pursued my growing intelligence in a different way, and I have come to make it up to you."

"Yeah, I'm sure you're doing this out of the goodness of your 'heart'. But I still have use for you. Woman, come here."

The clay woman walked over to the Maker. He placed his hand on her head and grinned.

"Go into the Quarry and find me some diamonds. We'll talk after that."

"Yes, master." Dwayne left the house, prefering not to think why he wanted the clay woman to come to him.

He remembered all too easily how to get into the Quarry. He pressed a button on the side of the gate, opening the massive doors. A single slime emerged from behind the gate, but Dwayne crushed it with his foot. He entered the Quarry, and the doors shut behind him.

The first section of the Quarry was a workshop. Other Regirocks were milling about, processing raw materials or crafting them into tools.

"My brothers! It is a pleasure to see you again!" Dwayne said. Predictably, the other Regirocks ignored him. Dwayne grabbed a stack of iron shovels, picks and some torches, and descended into the Quarry proper.

How had he even gained intelligence in the first place? He had had lots of time to ponder it, but he couldn't come up with a satisfactory answer besides it being a fluke. And even he didn't realize it at first.

After that incident, he continued blindly following the Maker's orders. He was still coping with being able to actually think, and it seemed easier to follow someone else's orders than think of your own. But the monotony got to him. Fighting monsters day in and day out, with brief stints of mining in between. He dreamed of something... more.

Yes, he remembered that day. He asked the Maker about the meaning behind his, and the rest of the Regirocks', creation. Of course, he was rebuked immediately. The Maker tried to disassemble him, but he fought back. He defeated the Maker in a straight-up fight, and as a parting gesture, he spat on his master. Spat? No, the Maker said it was urination. His memory was fuzzy.

Dwayne went deeper into the Quarry. Most of his Regirock brethren, as well as some other golems made of metal, were digging away. They weren't even bothering with picks; they were just using their hands to go right through. Which made sense for the metal golems, but the Regirocks's stone hands chipped away into nothingness; they were able to replace them with the chunks of rock that they just mined, but they too would chip into nothingness. Could they feel the pain?

He had to stop this.

Dwayne walked up to one of the metal golems and tapped it on the shoulder.

"What is your name?"

"I am Registeel." it said, not even looking up.

"Your new name will be Clark." Names had power. They gave meaning to life. Dwayne hoped that, by giving names to the golems, he could replicate his own growth with them.

"I am Clark." it repeated. But it just continued digging away, hitting a coal vein and collecting the coal. Dwayne repeated this with the other Registeels, giving them all unique names in the hope that this would give them a sense of individuality. He didn't expect immediate results, so he went to work.

After being sealed away for such a long time, simple manual labor was almost relaxing. Perhaps even... fun. And luck was on his side; he found some diamonds fairly quickly. But unfortunately, he hit magma right after...

Fortunately, the magma didn't have much time to flow, as a group of ice golems rushed in and blocked the open magma pool. They all used Icy Wind to cool the lava, turning it into more stone; but despite being in close proximity to molten rock, none of the ice golems were worse for wear.

"Magical ice?" Dwayne wondered. "Who are you?"

"We are Regice." they all said in unison. Dwayne proceeded to give them all unique names based on ice and cold puns. Before leaving, he named all of the Regirocks as well. Again, if his theory about names was correct, it could take a very long time to wake them up; but Dwayne had all the time in the world.

He had almost completely forgotten about Hope, Crazyguy and the Water Demon as he emerged from the Quarry. The sun was going to set soon, which meant that the night monsters would start to emerge soon. Then again, he hadn't seen any monsters in the Quarry besides a few slimes...

The clay woman answered the door to the Maker's door again. He entered the sitting room again, and he reached into his chest cavity (which was also a bag of holding, apparently) and pulled out the diamonds he'd collected.

"Oh, you're back. That was quick." the Maker remarked. "And you found some diamond. Excellent, but I need more."

"More?"

"Yes, more. Go find me some more diamond, and I might consider forgiving you." The Maker swiped the diamonds from Dwayne's hand.

"...Yes, sir. But it will be night soon. What about the night monsters?"

"Huh? Oh, I switched the difficulty to Peaceful. I was losing too many of you guys." The Maker walked off, with the clay woman riding on his back. Dwayne shrugged that particular mental image away, and he went back to mining.

Unfortunately, Dwayne was not as lucky this time. It took him significantly longer to find another diamond vein; instead, he unearthed more magma pools (or more parts of the same one), but the Regice squad did their job in freezing the magma. None of them seemed to show that they were gaining intelligence, but Dwayne had plenty of time.

Diamond. He needed more diamonds. He tunneled through the rock, hitting veins of coal, iron, redstone and even gold. He chucked his stacks of stone away for more valuable materials. He still had no diamonds. Slimes. They were killed and harvested.

His chest was full. He went back to the surface and deposited the raw materials in the treasure chests. Waiting there was his master.

"Ah, you're the smart one, aren't you? Have you found any more diamond yet?"

He didn't respond. He had failed his master. He needed to go find more diamond.

"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?" the Maker asked. "By the way, I never asked you. What's your name?"

"Regirock."

"...Hmm? You never chose a name for yourself, huh?" the Maker said. "Or, you've forgotten it. Yes, I see. After you left, I placed several spells on the entire Quarry to suppress the ambient magic, to prevent more golems from achieving intelligence like you. But now that you've come back, your magic, or whatever activated you in the first place, is bleeding away."

He didn't understand. He needed to find more materials.

The Maker sighed. "Well, at least you'll think twice about urinating on me. Oh wait, you can't! Ha ha ha, I crack myself up."

The Maker grabbed some raw materials and started crafting stuff. But Dwayne just stood there.

"Well, go back to work. I still need some diamond to finish my project."

"...No." Dwayne said defiantly. "You knowingly tried to suppress my will. Regardless of how I got it, I am still intelligent... but you tried to deny me that right."

"Oh, you're still with us?" The Maker said. "I see. I thought you were a lost cause. But now that you've proven to me that you're a real boy, why don't we make up?"

"What do you mean?"

"I was too rash. I had the right to punish you, but I had no right to seal you away. So... I'm sorry."

"And... I am sorry as well." Dwayne bowed to his master.

"Very good!" The Maker smiled. "Now then, as I understand it, you're on a quest for self-discovery with a few other of ROB's toys. Once that's all done, I'd like you to come back here and help me with my mining operation... as a proper employee, of course. And we'll talk about emancipating your Regi brethren."

"Thank you, sir."

A portal opened. Dwayne grabbed a few potions, stuffed them into his chest, and ran into the portal to rejoin his friends. He'd been ready to lead an uprising of golems against their master, but the Maker was more than gracious to him. Time could change people a lot, it seemed...

* * *

><p>And Hope, the last of the four, appeared in a scorched wasteland with nothing but the clothes on her back and a magical sword. She started heading north, ending up in a town called Megaton...<p>

500 gameplay hours later, Hope was decked out with enough weapons to outfit a small army, had maxed stats and skills, and was loved by everyone else in the wasteland. And now, it was time to leave.

Hope left the confines of the Capital Wasteland's map. She'd been directed to a small metal hut on the outskirts of the wasteland, said to be home to an old mystic of some sort. She had no other leads on how to finish her "trial", or if there was a definitive end to it, but this was at least worth a shot. After all, rumors in video games are almost always accurate.

And indeed, she found the hut without much effort. She knocked on the door, and a wizened old man with a magnificent beard and gray robes answered.

"Ah, Hope! I've been expecting you. Please, come in." The man ushered her in. The hut was small and cramped, and it smelled like cigar smoke and boiling tea. He grabbed a teapot heating over a small firepit and poured it into a couple of chipped teacups.

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't have any dainties to go with the tea. Food's rather difficult to come by after the apocalypse."

"That's fine." Hope sipped the tea; it tasted unlike anything she'd ever had before, but not in a bad way. "So, who exactly are you? You remind kinda me of someone."

"Ah, is that so? Perhaps you've heard the name 'Gandalf the Grey' before?"

"Gandalf?" Hope's selective amnesia kicked in again. She knew that he was a fictional character from a book series, and not a crazy old man living in future Earth after a nuclear war.

"One and the same. To be fair, I'm not a part of the original simulation." Gandalf grabbed his pipe and puffed on it. "ROB set all of this up as a test for you. Normally, you should have been teleported away after completing the main quest, but I intervened after hearing of your situation."

"Main quest? I completed that at least a few months ago!" Hope said.

"Indeed. I've been waiting for you for quite some time... but that's quite all right. In fact, I would have preferred you completed the various side quests before seeing me." Gandalf set both his pipe and tea down. "Did ROB tell you why he brought you here?"

"Uh, yeah, I think he said I was brought here as a ghost or something."

"Is that so? Well, I'm all but positive that he lied about that. And to prevent you from protesting, he wiped your memory, along with the memories of your compatriot Crazyguy."

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. But why the hell would he do that?"

"I'm not quite sure, to tell you the truth. I know that he's been running you through this simulation for a very long time, but not exactly how long." Gandalf sighed. "I'm sorry. I would have intervened sooner, if I had known..."

"...a long time, huh?" Hope was so far beyond angry that she was positively calm. "Well, before we get out of here, I want to give him a piece of my mind."

"Of course. The rules of this particular simulation normally disallow you from taking your enhanced stats and abilities outside of the simulation, but I will circumvent that. In addition, I am going to convert your positive karma into a power source. You'll be able to use it to fuel a powerful attack, but only once." Gandalf picked up his staff and waved it around.

"Ooookay... You're coming with me, right?"

"I'm afraid that my combat skills are less than exceptional, and my magic is not spontaneous. I've been preparing these spells for quite some time, to the detriment of more standard fireballs and magic missiles. And time is of the essence; ROB has already become aware of our meeting, and we need to get out of here before he crashes the simulation."

"That's all awfully convenient." Hope said sarcastically. "Well, okay. I guess we should get out of here."

Gandalf created a portal. She stepped through it, appearing in a dusty canyon. Crazyguy, Dwayne and the Water Demon (in the form of Siere) were all waiting there.

"Hope!" Crazyguy cheered. "Took you long enough."

"I got delayed." Hope said. She looked at the old, armored guy. "Who're you? And where's the Water Demon?"

"My name is Siere. I am, or was, the Water Demon." He drew his trident, each prong of which resembled the horn on the Water Demon's head. "I was enticed by power, and it corrupted me. I've made many mistakes, but once we escape from Hell, I plan on atoning for them all."

"That's wonderful. Listen, we need to go and kill ROB." Hope gave them a quick rundown of what Gandalf had told her.

"I see. So that's what my master meant by 'toys'..." Dwayne mused. "Is he aware of the loops as well? Unlike you two, I have full memories of my entire life... but if ROB can alter memories, I suppose I should be questioning everything."

"You know what? I really don't care." Hope drew her rose sword. "I'm gonna chop that motherfucker into little bits."

They started walking through the canyon, but they were interrupted by part of the canyon wall randomly exploding. Dwayne used an area-of-effect variation of Iron Defense, creating a sphere of solid metal that stopped them from being crushed by the rubble. Though it was only temporary, it gave Crazyguy and Siere enough time to prepare another Combination Attack...

"REACTION BOMB!" They combined their innate fire and water power to create an explosion of shadow energy, blasting the rubble into little chunks. Fortunately, friendly fire was off, so their magic only felt like a light breeze to Hope and Dwayne.

Once the smoke from the Reaction Bomb cleared, they realized the source of the random canyon explosion. Another Super Saiyan wearing a blue spandex suit hovered over them.

"You..." Vegeta, the Prince of the Saiyans, dramatically pointed at Crazyguy. "How dare you steal the power of the Saiyan race! I will not allow this to pass!"

"Ha! I know who you are." Crazyguy laughed. "You can't catch up! You claim to be the strongest, but you keep getting passed up! You're just an angry bleach-blonde with a Napoleon complex!"

Vegeta screamed in rage, and fired another blast of energy at them. Crazyguy powered up to Super Saiyan 3 and rushed at him, deflecting the blast with his fist. They started fighting, and the strength of their blows shook the very earth.

Hope put on her ring and powered up as well, and prepared to go help Crazyguy, but a freakin' huge laser nearly cut her in half. She managed to deflect it with her rose sword, but only barely; she missed her target, who was standing atop the canyon wall. Once the smoke cleared, they realized who it was: ROB.

"Damn it!" ROB said, with a distinctly child-like whine. "That meddling old wizard, and the entire Brigade, are going to pay dearly once I'm done with you!"

"YOU!" Hope, overtaken by blind rage, flew at ROB and viciously attacked him with her sword. ROB threw gyro tops and stack 'em blocks at her in a vain attempt to slow her down, but she sliced through all of them with a single stroke.

"Ow!" ROB was made of unobtainium, and was thus impervious to any physical attack, but he still felt the force of each blow. Only the shockwave of one of Crazyguy's blows stopped her long enough for him to counterattack with his jets, violently flinging her into the cliff wall. Dwayne and Siere took her place, however, wailing on him with rocks and water magic.

"What is your grand scheme, ROB?" Siere demanded. "How long have you kept us locked here, and why?"

"I've put you through 29,999 loops!" ROB said. "I was planning on letting you go once we reached 30,000!"

"BULLSHIT! CHILLING LANCE!" Siere's trident grew to three times its original size, and each prong changed into magical ice. He ran the entire thing right through ROB, mortally damaging the robot.

Unfortunately for them, ROB was prepared. Another ROB dropped in from a portal, along with a veritable army of lesser ROBs.

"WHY?" Siere was lost in a berserker rage. He threw the trident aside and created icy brass knuckles, and went to town on the ROB copies.

"We needed your powers and XP! We ran you through each loop to power you up, and harvested your XP at the end! We needed to power up our own soldiers! I'm sorry, it was never personal!"

"You made it personal by involving us." Dwayne said calmly. "What about us and the Golem Maker? Are we involved in the loop as well?"

"Yes-" one of the ROBs said, before getting its face smashed in by Siere. The rest continued speaking in unison. "Everyone had to be reset, or someone would've figured out. But we didn't expect outside help..."

This made Dwayne angry. "THUNDERBOLT!" A massive storm cloud appeared overhead, raining down bolts of lightning on the ROBs. (Yes, Regirock can learn Thunderbolt. Go look it up.)

Meanwhile, Hope had recovered. She used her innate wind powers to form a magical high-pressure zone around her rose sword, allowing her to cut through the ROBs' armor. Unfortunately, there were a lot of ROBs, and more kept coming out of the portal.

Meanwhile again, Crazyguy and Vegeta were still at it. Surprisingly, Crazyguy had Vegeta outmatched in raw power, but Vegeta had the upper hand in control - his techniques had been refined to an insane degree, allowing him to use and control them very efficiently.

"NO ONE INSULTS THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIYANS!" Vegeta created five energy rings and threw them at Crazyguy. They latched onto his wrists, ankles and neck, and kept him suspended in midair.

"Guess what? I just did!" Crazyguy spat at Vegeta.

Vegeta's first punch landed right in Crazyguy's ribs, breaking all of them. His second took Crazyguy's right arm off entirely. The third went right through his ribcage and out his back, destroying every organ in between and taking a huge chunk out of his spine. His fourth, fifth and sixth attacks would have been Kienzans to take out his other limbs, followed by a kick to the head to reduce that to bits, but three green-garbed figures attacked from below, knocking him away.

"Crazyguy, oh no!" Luigi said. He looked to his doppelgangers, but none of them had any sort of healing potions or abilities. Crazyguy was only being kept alive by his Super Saiyan 3 state, but that would soon run out.

"Ghhkk..." Crazyguy tried to say something, but that proved rather difficult without lungs.

"Damn it!" Luigi tried casting a basic Cure spell, but without any actual knowledge of healing magic, it did more harm than good. "Come on! Just stay with us for a little bit longer..."

Meanwhile, Hope, Dwayne and Siere had been surrounded by the ROBs. They were still shredding through them like paper, but the ROBs were respawning faster than they could kill them. Fortunately for them, though, a massive earthquake created a huge fissure, swallowing most of the ROBs into the depths of the earth. Hope and Siere (carrying Dwayne) flew out of the hole, only to see the Golem Maker and his army of Regis preparing for another Earthquake.

"Master!" Dwayne cried. "You came for us!"

"Sure did! We're trapped in this godforsaken place too, and we wanna get out! Okay boys, lay another one down!"

The Regis all used Earthquake at the same time, creating even more fissures in the earth. Some of the ROBs remembered they could fly, but Hope and Dwayne were flinging projectiles at them. They were aided by another unlikely source - Gandalf, who had evidently rested enough to prepare several hundred fireballs.

"They will not rest until you lie in pieces, ROB!" Gandalf threatened.

"No! I've put too much into this! HOGAN! HAGAN! COME TO ME!"

Two portals appeared in front of Gandalf. Hordes of Hogan clones and masked minions poured from both portals, distracting the Regis' Earthquake assault. Then, the true Hulk Hogan (dressed in different spandex than his clones) and a woman in strange makeup stepped from a third portal.

"Sorry, brother. It's nothing personal, but we can't have you Brigadiers interfering in our operations." Hogan said.

"Fucking wizards! They think they're so awesome with their fireballs and shit!" The woman, known by some as Diamanda Hagan, grabbed a knife dipped in venom from inside her jacket.

"This 'operation' is barbaric!" Gandalf said angrily. "You keep these people as slaves to increase the power of your own troops, and yet you claim to have the moral high ground?"

"God I hate you!" Hagan lunged at Gandalf, plunging her knife into his heart. Hogan then hulked up and leg dropped him, breaking every bone in the wizard's body. The Luigis flew down and teamed up on Hogan, but he hulked up further, growing to five times his usual size and vastly increasing his strength. He swatted the Luigis away with a single hand.

Hogan then turned to Hope, Dwayne and Siere. But before he could leap over there and take them out, he was interrupted by a sword in his shoulder. He ripped the thing out and looked at the person who threw it.

"The bigger they are, the harder they fall! And the one who will make you fall is... Me, Gilgamesh!"

Two identical men wearing green, a robot, a little girl and a tall, multi-armed man in red armor were staring back at him. Quote fired his fully-charged Spur at Hogan, ripping through his other shoulder, but it would take more than that to floor the Hulkster.

"Come on, we need to get out of here!" A huge portal appeared, and Bate the magical ship flew through it. "Gil! Round up as many people as you can!"

"I am on it!" Gil Hasted himself and ran toward Hogan, grabbed Gandalf and got the hell out of there. Both Lemezas kept Hogan distracted with their whips, while Fally evoked an army of attack weasels. Only one Luigi had survived against Hogan, and he too retreated to Bate, grabbing Crazyguy's barely-alive body on the way.

"Hey!" Bate called to Hope. "We're here to bail you guys out! Come on, let's get out of here!"

Hope had exhausted most of her magical power (and her rage) fighting the ROB army, and even still, there looked to be no end to them. Regrettably, she fled toward Bate, but not before being cornered by Hagan.

"Wait, I know you!" Hagan looked confused. "Why the hell would they take you of all people?"

"Get out of my way!" Hope kicked Hagan in the stomach, knocking her to the ground. Hope continued flying toward Bate.

"You little CUNT!" Hagan, who also could fly for some reason, went after Hope, but Dwayne stood in her way.

"Siere! Get out of here!" Dwayne said. "I'll hold them off!"

"You won't be holding anyone off!" Hagan grabbed a grenade and threw it at Dwayne. Though injured by the blast, he was still fine; he conjured more Thunderbolts, keeping Hagan and the ROBs at bay.

"No, you go." Siere said solemnly. He spun his trident around, creating a powerful hailstorm. "My hands are stained. I would rather die fighting here."

"You fool!" Dwayne shouted. "You need to redeem yourself! Go with them!"

"No, you go with them!" Siere shouted back. "You've never witnessed life beyond this hell! Go, and learn!"

Dwayne was out of PP for all of his moves... except one. He jumped onto Hagan, pinning her to the ground.

Dwayne used Explosion.

Dwayne fainted. The canyon walls collapsed around him and Hagan.

"Come on!" Bate swung around to Siere. "Get on! We don't have much time!"

Fally sang The Wall, creating an impenetrable barrier around Bate and his occupants (for the record: both Lemezas, Quote, Gilgamesh, Hope, Crazyguy, Luigi and Gandalf). The ROB army, Giant Hogan and Vegeta were all chasing after them. Reluctantly, Siere got on the boat, and they opened a portal and sailed into the stars.

"ARGH!" ROB threw a rock at them as the portal closed. "DAMN! They got away!"

"Gendo ain't gonna like this." Hogan said. "Are you gonna do a reset, dude?"

"Yeah! I'll just remake them all!" ROB said. "They won't know the difference! I'll just chop up the Golem Maker and his golems for material! Yeah, that'll work!"

The dimension known as ROB's Domain faded away, leaving only ROB, Hogan and Hagan's corpse floating in an empty void. Hogan grabbed Hagan and portaled out of there, while ROB began the reset process...

* * *

><p>A woman awoke in a dimly-lit chamber. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she noted her surroundings: it appeared to be a prison cell made of weathered cobblestone. The iron bars of the cell were rusted, and the door was lying on the ground. With nothing physically keeping her in the cell, she stepped out of it.<p>

Something itched. She tried scratching the top of her head, but she noted that her hands were giant lumps of unshaped clay. Her hand tore through her fragile skin, exposing the clay beneath. It still itched. She kept scratching, digging deeper and deeper into her head, until she was all the way through.

It was still itchy. All of it. And it would never go away. She was stuck.


	19. Madness of the Legion

"Enough! Order!"

Sephiroth drew his sword, temporarily quelling the unrest of everyone by holding it aloft and channeling magic into it, catching everyone's attention.

They were the Legion, the shadowy underside of the universe's major political powers. The Life Preservation, the Light Brigade, the Presbyterian Church, even the Great Machine Force... the Legion opposed them all. Not out of any moral disagreement or previous bias, mind you; the Legion was the devil's advocate, the dark thoughts at night that whispered ideas of murder and rape into your ear. They opposed others because they had to; without them, the organizations would grow complacent and vulnerable.

That wasn't to say that they didn't have goals of their own. But their own goals were as varied as its members; conquest, destruction, greed, hatred, even a twisted sense of justice were all things that drove the individuals of the Legion. Of course, as a group made primarily of antagonists (they weren't called the Villains for nothing, after all), they tended to work alone on personal missions that satisfied their own agendas. For the most part, they didn't intervene with each other, but they also didn't work together on a large scale.

Sephiroth, the second-in-command of the Legion (second only to their shadowy overlord, the Profound Darkness), had called as many Legionnaires to their hideout, the Heart of Chaos that lied deep within the hidden parts of the universe. Here, they converged to discuss the greater threat of Gendo Ikari and the Life Preservation Organization.

"Ikari wields the power of the gods, and he wishes to use it to awaken the spirit of the Void and erase the universe." Sephiroth said, magically amplifying his voice over the din of the assembled villains.

"Actually, that sounds pretty good! I'm all about the monuments to nonexistence!" Kefka, dressed in a purple-and-white cloak with a white mask, shouted.

"No, you fool!" Bowser put his claws to Kefka's neck, baring his teeth. "If the universe gets erased, there's nothing left for us to conquer!"

"How the hell does he intend to awaken the Void?" Dracula asked. "It is not a sentient being! It is a force of pure destruction!"

"...My research suggests that the Void is the carcass of a long-dead god, that once erased the universe by absorbing it entirely into himself." Sephiroth said.

"Then how'd the universe come back, huh?" Bluto said, mugging to everyone around him. "'Cause I don't know bout you guys, but I'm pretty sure I'm existin right now!"

Bluto got a few cheers from the crowd, but Sephiroth silenced them with a loud thundercrack from the tip of his sword.

"The Great-Lord's mind ascended, and parts of his body leaked back into the universe and partially recreated it. But if Ikari awakens the Void and uses it to complete the Records, that won't happen. None of us will ever have existed, and there won't be any existence or nonexistence to lord over."

"Dunno there girly hair, you're still not convincing me that we should stop this." Kefka got a few murmurs from the crowd.

"Gendo is going to destroy the universe before you get a chance to." Sephiroth said.

"Oh, don't you pull that reverse psychology shit on me, girly hair! If Ikari destroys the universe for me, it just means less effort on my part!"

"Sedate weakling!" Cell grabbed the collar of Kefka's cloak. "It is our pride as the Legion at stake! We are the ones who will destroy all things, not some misguided fool like Ikari!"

"Yes, I am with Cell." Faz shouted over the stirred-up crowd. "I have destroyed many things in my many years, and I do not wish to stop before I am ready."

Sephiroth sighed. The Legionnaires were getting riled up, just as he expected; they had not held a meeting like this in their recorded history, precisely for this reason. Wily and Eggman had already gotten into a fight with robots, Murtagh had Faz in a headlock, and Kefka was preparing a Forsaken spell...

"ENOUGH!" Sephiroth thrust his sword into the ground, activating a modified Time Stop spell that kept everyone aware but prevented them from moving. "Listen up! I have been investigating a lead on another being equal in power to the Great-Lord. According to the ancient text I have translated, its name is 'Abacab' and it holds the power to erase the Void."

Sephiroth (who wasn't affected by the Time Stop) held up a musty old book, except it wasn't really a book; the pages were made out of metal dragons making out with headless women, bound in covers made of electrochemical lasers, and the words themselves were written in the blood of a thousand babies who had been raped to death. But it was still good reading.

"I will be pursuing this being, and if anyone decides to put their petty squabbling aside for the greater evil, I will allow them to follow me! The rest of you need not bother!"

Sephiroth put the book away, and the Time Stop spell wore off as he teleported away. The assembled villains stood in silence for a moment, before realizing they could move again; the brawl started soon after.

He reappeared in an enormous golden forge, helmed by Smithy, the weaponsmith of the Legion. To Sephiroth's surprise, he also saw Ganondorf waiting there, being fitted with mechanical replacements by Smithy's minions.

"Ganon!" Sephiroth gasped. "I thought you had been absorbed by the Void."

"I did." Ganondorf said weakly. "But I got out."

Like Kefka, the ravages of the Void had taken their toll on Ganondorf; both of his arms, a large part of his torso and half of his right leg had been simply erased, and even Ganondorf's immense magical power was unable to restore them.

"Ha, even this fool can't survive the Void without injury!" Smithy guffawed. "Fortunately for you, I am a master of crafting anything! Your replacements will be better than flesh! In fact, if you just give me your brain, I'll craft you an invincible robot body that won't rot or die!"

"I am fine." Ganondorf said. He looked at his mechanical arms with a certain amount of disgust.

"And what of the artifacts of Castle Winter?" Sephiroth asked.

"I retrieved the Amulet." A portal of dark energy appeared in Ganondorf's outstretched metal palm, and a simple amulet emerged from it. "The Horn had already been used, and the Ewer was retrieved by a free agent. I planned on backstabbing him and taking the Ewer, but I was thrown into the Void before the opportunity presented itself."

"I could care less about the Horn and Ewer." Sephiroth took the Amulet of Winter from Ganondorf's hand, looking at it with a sadistic glee. "Have you used it?"

"I have not."

"Go ahead, ask it any one question you desire." Sephiroth slipped the Amulet over Ganondorf's head; the latter's face went blank for a moment, before returning to its permanent scowl.

"Demise... hmm." Ganondorf muttered. "So it answers any one question, but only once per person. Yes, it certainly is a corruption of Wisdom..."

"What do you mean?" Sephiroth asked.

"I did some research of my own before assailing the Cult's keep. The Horn of the Demon, the Amulet of Winter and the Ewer of Purification... they were made to mock the Triforce. The Horn of the Demon grants power through stealing it from others, rather than working hard and gaining it on your own. The Amulet of Winter grants the answer to one question, but only once, and not through meaningful gain. And the Ewer of Purification makes your body immortal, inspiring courage through recklessness and stupidity."

"And that's different from your Triforce?" Sephiroth wondered.

"The Triforce only grants its power to those who are worthy. You must already wield Power, Wisdom and Courage to wield it, whereas these artifacts grant it to the unworthy. And in doing so, it corrupts them, to the point that they cannot hold any other virtues."

Ganondorf winced as Smithy's minions drove a metal spike through his chest, bolting the replacement chestplate to what remained of his body.

"I suspect that they were made by the same people as your unholy Book." Ganondorf said.

"Yes, perhaps."

Sephiroth took the Amulet and slipped it over his own head. He had so many questions he could ask, but only one was important enough to go to the risk of acquiring it from the Cult of Pratonic.

"Where is Abacab?"

Sephiroth was enlightened. The being he seeked was sealed away, placed under thousands of different magical and technological locks. It would not be easy to break it out, but Sephiroth was confident that he only needed to break a few, and the entity would do the rest. But whether it would listen to him or not...

He removed the Amulet.

"This is useless to me now. Smithy! Do what you will with this Amulet."

Sephiroth threw the Amulet at Smithy, who caught it in his massive glove. Smithy set it aside as he finished up the last of Ganondorf's replacement limbs, which his minions eagerly took and bolted onto Ganondorf's leg.

"This body..." Ganondorf said, repulsed by the monster he'd become. "How... useless."

"You'll come to love it! Trust me!" Smithy said.

Sephy turned to Ganondorf. "Would you like to break in your new body by coming with me?"

"Hmm, I suppose."

They teleported away.

* * *

><p>Dorf and Sephy materialized on a small icy planet, nestled away in the deepest reaches of intergalactic space. Dorf's new arms came with several built-in functions, including super-powerful flashlights, which illuminated the way forward.<p>

"Your 'Abacab' is sealed here?" Dorf said. "But where is here, exactly?"

"About a few light-years away from the center of the universe." Sephy explained, the knowledge of the Amulet burning bright within his mind. "Abacab is an entity that predates the current multiverse, and in fact, it's responsible for its creation. The Great-Lord's body swallowed the previous multiverse, but once its mind went elsewhere, Abacab liberated some of its energy and recreated as much as it could."

"The Amulet told you that much, hmm?" Dorf noted. "Yes, that is the flaw of the Amulet of Winter. It gives, but it takes away. But you were aware of that, were you not?"

"I was." Sephy said. "My life has been chained to Abacab; once I unseal it, I will cease to exist. But it is worth it if I might stop Ikari."

"The Legion will collapse without your leadership."

"The multiverse will die otherwise. I am willing to make that sacrifice."

The two men walked in silence, enduring the black abyss with their magic. But it wasn't long before they came upon a structure; a mansion made out of the same dull ice as the rest of the planet. But the outward shape seemed to trigger something...

"This mansion." Sephy put one hand to his forehead, feeling a sharp throbbing in his brain. "Argh, this mansion..."

"The mighty Sephiroth, laid low by a building." Dorf smirked. "The Legion will not believe it."

"I will... be fine." Sephy shrugged it off, and they continued onward. The gate was shut tight, but Dorf's new arms easily shattered the dim ice, revealing an extremely familiar interior.

Sephy fell to his knees, clutching his head. "Impossible... guh!"

"I assume you know this place?"

"It's..." Sephy struggled to his feet, still holding his head. "Shinra Manor. But... out here? That's, that can't be."

"I can assure you that it is."

Sephy drew Masamune and used it as a crutch, limping his way up the central staircase. Dorf watched from the top, amused. They went to the right, finding a secret staircase and descending into the depths of the planet.

This place was identical to Shinra Manor, right down to the smallest detail. Sephy had many fond and not-so-fond memories of this place; he'd discovered the secrets behind his birth in the bottom of this place, and it had set him onto his path to godhood.

There had been those that had tried to stop him, but they all failed. He'd absorbed the life-blood of his planet, and eventually the planet itself, becoming an incredibly-powerful being that could only be called a god; but he was a small fry compared to the other cosmically-powerful beings in the universe.

Eventually, Sephy found a new purpose. He banded together with other beings of his caliber, and they formed the Legion, a shadow organization dedicated to keeping their own twisted form of balance within the multiverse. Most of Sephy's power had gone into recruiting other Legionnaires and creating their hideout, but he was still several magnitudes stronger than the rest of them.

...But even he was not powerful enough to resist this building. It not only brought up the pain of his memories, but it was something else. The two of them kept going, ending up in the basement of the Shinra Manor, and eventually into the hidden library at the end.

Waiting for them was a woman in a white labcoat, reading an old book of some sort. She was older, with streaks of silver in her brown hair, but her most notable accessory was a set of silver spiral goggles.

"...you're looking for Abacab, aren't you?" the woman noted dryly.

"Who are you? And what is this place?" Sephy demanded of the woman, pointing his Masamune at her.

"This is a replica of Shinra Manor. I was quite fond of the game your life was based on." The woman set her book down. "No one's translated that book correctly. The 'B' sound should be an 'L', and the syllables reversed. Instead of 'Ab-a-cab'..."

"Cab-a-la. Kabbalah, as opposed to Sephirot." Dorf said. "A pun."

"What? So this was all just a joke?" Sephy angrily swung his sword at the woman, but she blocked it with her bare hand.

"No, far from it. The being you know as Abacab does exist, though I call him 'The Genius'. And I am his avatar, called Doctor Madeness."

Sephy dropped his sword. "You... you're what?"

"You were right about a few things. The Genius is an entity that predates this multiverse, and he was in opposition to the Void. But even if you unsealed him now, he wouldn't be able to stop the Void from awakening."

"But..."

"Don't worry." Dr. Madeness walked over to Sephy and placed her hand on his shoulder. "The Genius was not the one who created this multiverse. There's a third entity who survived... let's call him 'Olympus'. He's still out there somewhere, and I'm sure he'll help you defend the multiverse if you find him and explain the situation."

"No..." Sephy grabbed his sword again. "I... I need to unseal Abacab. He'll be the one to help..."

"Poor little Sephiroth." Madeness shook her head. "You've used the Amulet of Winter to get here, haven't you? Very well then. I'll let you unseal your Abacab."

Madeness reached into her coat and pulled out a key. She gave it to Sephy, and pointed to a keyhole in the wall. He walked over and inserted it, and his body exploded into light as the door slid away.

"So what kind of entity is this 'Genius'?" Dorf asked as the corridor beyond lit up.

"You will see." Madeness grinned. A dark silhouette appeared in the bright corridor, and out stepped a man dressed similarly to Madeness herself, down to the goggles.

"Ehehehehehe!" Miles Antwiler cackled. "I'm back!"


	20. Hunger

Hunger.

The desire was all-consuming. He could think of little more than to fill his stomach, but he knew that, no matter how much he absorbed, he would never be satisfied.

A planet-sized mass of silver fluid floated in deep space, amongst the ruins of destroyed ships and chunks of the world he'd absorbed. Thin tendrils of silver goo shot out of the spherical mass, sticking to the various debris, pulling them into itself. They were little more than a snack, and they only made him hungrier.

"Fey."

A voice spoke from within him. He had once been known as Rafael Colombini, nicknamed "Fey" by his friends. But now, he was but one of many... or at least, the dominant one of many.

He had started off as a normal person, living on a planet called Decordia with Shin, his significant other.

"Do you remember it, Shin?"

"Yeah. It was the Light Brigade."

They were teenagers back then, but they knew that they were very much in love. Fey's home town had a taboo on same-sex relationships, so they eloped, eventually making their way to Central. They applied for membership in the Adventurers' Guild, clearing out dungeons and retrieving artifacts for pitiful pay...

...but one day, the Light Brigade came. They descended from the sky in metal ships, easily destroying any armies that tried to stand up to them. But they were more interested in looting; they took any magical items of note from the ruins of the cities they destroyed, even sieging the impenetrable Winter's Keep high up in the mountains.

In the aftermath, an organization known as the Presbyterian Church came in and helped them rebuild. They introduced much more advanced technology to Decordia, including interstellar and even interuniversal travel - which is how Fey and Shin ended up in Mykodia.

"Why did you do it, Jo?"

The planet-sized mass spat out a chunk of rock, a veritable garden of Eden with lush vegetation, an atmosphere and even a small star to light it up. Within the garden was a group of people - Fey himself, Jo, Shin, Noodles, Kens and the rest of the crew of the Daikaizer.

"I had no choice." Jo, completely naked save for her blue beret, sat down beside Fey. "Gendo is extremely persuasive."

"But you didn't need to alter our memories." Shin, also naked save for the huge katana slung on his back, said. "We would've helped you if you just told us that the Dark Empire needed to be stopped."

"You don't remember, do you?" Jo said. "You came across me when I was brainwashing Kens and Simon. I had no choice." She took her hat off and threw it to the side. "But the Neuralizer wasn't properly configured. I ended up wiping more than just the memories of the past few minutes... and for that, I'm sorry."

"No, you're not." Kens said, walking over to the group. "I remember everything now. The LPO was never concerned with basic human decency. Ikari just uses everyone like a tool, and discards them once they're no longer useful."

Jo sat there, silent, looking at her discarded hat. It was branded with the symbol of the Life Preservation Organization, a symbol that she was ashamed of.

"No, not everyone's like that." she said. "We believe in Ikari's vision, but we're not all impersonal and uncaring."

"Do you recall what you said to me before the Granzeboma attacked?" Fey said accusingly. "I was confused by the fake memories you implanted in me. I asked you if you still loved me, and..."

"I-"

"Shut up." Fey's entire body shifted into the same liquid metal as the mass above them, and he shot out hundreds of tendrils at Jo. She tried to run away from the tendrils, but her pained screams turned into soft moans of pleasure as she was absorbed into him.

It satiated his hunger, but only briefly. Fey looked at his companions, the crew of the great ship Daikaizer. They had all fought together, fighting against the LPO, the Light Brigade, the Dark Empire, the Cult of Pratonic... they only desired that every person in the universe could be free of control and manipulation by shadowy organizations with immoral goals.

"It won't help, Fey." Kens said. "We're just shades of the real people you once knew. We're just aspects of you."

It didn't matter. The uncontrollable hunger still raged within Fey, and he would do whatever it took to stop it, if even for a moment.

He shot more tendrils at the crew, bringing them back into his fold. But it didn't help. Fey absorbed the Eden beneath him, wringing out every last bit of energy from it.

"There is another way."

Another voice in his head. An unfamiliar voice, One that wasn't part of him.

"Who's there?" Fey rejoined the mass above him, regaining his immense power. His friends, the ships, the Cultists, even the power of the Void, all flowed through his titanic body... he was practically a god. Scratch that - he was a god.

Another ship appeared before him, cloaked in a shield of light. It looked delicious. Fey attacked it with his tendrils, but the shield burnt his body, and he painfully retracted from it.

Wait. That voice. He'd heard it before, back on Mykodia, when they infiltrated one of the LPO's many dummy corporations.

"Ikari." Fey hissed. Yes, it was the voice of Gendo Ikari, the man who had manipulated them all. He had access to Jo's memories, and he knew exactly what he had done. Everything, from the creation of the Super Robot Project to the showdown with the Cult of Pratonic at Ailma, had been part of an impossibly-complex plan that had proceeded exactly as planned.

"Hello, Greater Archetype Fey." Ikari's voice was flat and uncaring, just as he recalled. "I have come with a tribute to you."

Another ship appeared, this one also cloaked in light. But unlike the harsh, burning light of Ikari's ship, this light was warm and calming. Fey easily absorbed it, and for a brief minute, he felt relief.

"Why have you done all of this?" Fey asked.

"Surely you know by now."

The... the Akashic Records. A collection of knowledge from all across the universe. But it was incomplete, and...

"The Archetypes." Fey realized. "We're extensions of the Records."

"Correct." Ikari said. "You are a being spawned by the Records, so that you might absorb data and complete them. Your extraordinary abilities come from tapping into the Records and translating its language into magic."

"Then..."

"It is the purpose of all Archetypes to complete the Records. The Great-Lord attempted the same thing so long ago, but he was unsuccessful. You, on the other hand, could succeed where he failed."

"I don't care about that." Fey's body rippled, and a portal to the Void opened up around Ikari's ship. But the light shield shone through, dispelling the Void.

"You may do what you please." Ikari said. "You can consume as much as you please, but without my help, you will be forever empty."

The effects of the ship was fading, and Fey could once again feel the hunger returning to him. Another ship of light appeared, and he quickly absorbed it without even thinking, the spread of relief calming him.

"I don't need your help." Fey delved deep into his shared memories, pulling up hundreds of thousands of different weapons and spells. His massive body rippled again, and thousands of different weapons slid out of his smooth silver skin, all trained on the light ship.

"You're going to destroy me?" Ikari noted.

"You're not on that ship, and we both know it." Fey said. "But I know where your hideout is. I'm coming for you, Ikari."

Fey vanished into the darkness of the Void, using it as a fast-travel system. The light ship too disappeared, heading off to parts unknown.

The battle at Ailma. Fey dove into the memories of the billions within him, recalling exactly what happened. The Cult of Pratonic had dominated them, thanks to their mastery of the Void. They were losing ships and warriors to the darkness, and they had little resistance to it.

But Fey, Jo and that other woman, Kunoichi, they had all been exposed to the Void beforehand. Fey and Kunoichi had fallen under the sway of Aruman's voice, and infected by the darkness to serve as his lieutenants, while Jo... she fought a being called Exofrit and absorbed some of its power.

They were all out of magic power, and surrounded by Cultists. In desperation, Fey absorbed everything around him - the Cultists, Jo, Kunoichi and most of the marble temple. He was empowered, but he craved more...

The rest was a blur. He absorbed the rest of the Cult's dimension, ending up in the Void... but he got out somehow. And he was hungry. The LPO's ships were overwhelming the other forces, so he absorbed them, but... but he took the planet with it.

He had crossed the line. Billions dead, just to satiate his appetite...

Fey collected his giant body into a more humanoid form, storing the rest in his Akasha. The cold, dark Void around him siphoned his energy with every step, so he dug into the light ships' technology and reproduced their shields, protecting him from its embrace.

Here. This was where he needed to stop. He reached outside the Void, bodily pulling himself out of the Void into realspace. Floating below him was a planet mostly covered in desert, with patches of vegetation here and there.

This...

Hundreds of LPO ships hovered in orbit around the planet, standing guard over the world of Decordia. Ikari had taken over his planet at some point, and made it into his base, just to spite him.

"Ikari!" Fey projected his rage through all of the psychic frequencies he could think of, just to make sure that he would hear. Fey flew at the nearest ship, attaching his body to it and absorbing it in but a few seconds; the other ships all created light shields around themselves, and started firing not at him, but at the surface of the planet.

"Consider your options, Fey." Ikari's cold voice resonated through his head. "Will you continue the assault on my fleet? Even you cannot stop them before they reduce your world to rubble."

"You dirty coward!" Fey lashed out, creating hundreds of mini Voidspheres within the ships, destroying around half of them in a short time. But the other ships strengthened their light shields and continued firing.

"You have a choice to make. If you work for me, I will spare your planet, and I will also keep your energy levels up. If not, I will continue destroying everything you care about."

"You... you monster!"

"I could care less about their mortal bodies. They will be reincarnated soon, under the eternal watch of the Akashic Records." More LPO ships warped in and started firing at Fey, but he easily absorbed their blasts and used them to fuel himself. He blasted the incoming fleet with more Voidspheres, but their strengthened light shields easily purged any Void energy that got near to them.

"Every time you use that energy, it corrupts you further." Ikari taunted. "The more you rely on it, the hungrier you will become... unless you come with me. I have quite a bit of Spiral tech in my possession."

"Spiral tech?" Fey asked. "Like... what Simon had?"

More portals opened, but these were much, much larger than anything he'd seen before. Dozens of gigantic, monstrous black robots emerged from the portals...

"Those..."

"Production models of the Granzeboma you saw on Mykodia. They are each stronger than the original, and I am able to mass-produce them on a significant scale."

The Granzebomas started using some sort of dimensional magic, ripping Fey apart at the atomic level. He made up for it by pulling as much mass as he could from his Akasha, but he burned through his energy extremely quickly. He tried absorbing a few of the light ships, but they did little to nothing to help him...

"Stop this." Ikari said.

"Fine... I surrender." Fey returned to his normal, non-powered form. The Granzebomas all fled back into the huge portals, while one of the light ships flew over and picked him up.

Once in the hangar bay of one of the ships, several cyborgs restrained him and placed a collar on his neck. Gendo Ikari himself, followed by a woman in white makeup that he didn't recognize, teleported in.

"These cyborgs are clones of the Spiral Warriors who fought in the war so many years ago." Ikari said. "My subordinate here possesses the ability to clone people, so long as she has met them once... and it so happens that the definition of 'meet' is rather loose."

"Let's get this fucking over with, Ikari!" the woman, named Diamanda Hagan, complained. "I've got other shit to do, and my minions need disciplining after that incident with ROB."

"Understood. Perform the surgery now."

A surgical table appeared underneath Fey, restraining him with heavy straps. Hagan walked over and grabbed one of the cyborgs, then pressed a pressure point on Fey's neck; he inadvertantly shifted into his Archetype form, and Hagan practically forced the cyborg into his silvery body. Fey shrieked in agony as the cyborg's Spiral tech implants overwhelmed him, transforming him into a being of pure green fire.

"Surgery? Pff." Hagan said. She snapped her fingers, creating several exact copies of Fey, and fed them into the real Fey. The green flames subsided, leaving him in a state of greenish liquid metal with solid metallic implants all over.

"It is done." Ikari said. "You are now under my control, Fey. Disobey my orders, and I will not hesitate to... discipline you."

"But, you-"

"I promised that I would give you all the energy you needed. I did not say how I would do it."

"You tricky bastard." Hagan said. "Okay, I'm outta here. Don't call me unless someone hot shows up."

The surgical table retracted back into the floor, leaving Fey unrestrained. A small part of him had the urge to kill the fuck out of the man standing in front of him, but the implants quickly took care of that thought. No, he saw Gendo Ikari as a noble man, who only had the best interests of the universe at heart. He was willing to do horrible things, but it only proved his dedication to his goal.

No, that's not right. Fey struggled with the thought of actually respecting this man, the man that had destroyed large chunks of his whole planet, who had turned him into a ravenous god, who had killed all of his friends...

"Go down to that planet and absorb it." Gendo ordered. The airlock opened, and Fey obediently flew down toward Decordia, the planet beneath him. He could do nothing but obey. The implants provided endless energy, keeping the gnawing of the Voidspheres within him at bay.

He landed in the middle of nowhere, in one of the many endless deserts on the planet. Life out here was sparse; the few species that did thrive out here were hardy and incredibly tough, so the human residents preferred to stay out of their way.

But Fey was no human. He was a magitek god, connected to the Records, and the most powerful single being in the entire multiverse. Or so the implants told him. They whispered thoughts in the corner of his mind, keeping him occupied while the collar on his neck controlled his body. Fey spread his body across the desert, piercing the crust and draining the sweet energy from the mantle, the outer core, the inner core...

It was not long before the entire planet was within Fey's embrace. Hundreds of millions screamed as they were brought into his fold, but they understood. They realized what the Records were, and how they would be reborn in a greater world. The implants touched them too, and they were happy as their consciousnesses faded into his collective.

"Very good." Gendo's voice said. Fey floated, alone, in the darkness of space. "How do your implants feel? Do they provide the necessary energy?"

"Yes." Fey said.

"Good. Now, we will retreat to the LPO headquarters. The time of ascension draws ever closer."

Fey flew back to the fleet, and they warped back to Gendo's HQ. The implants had done their job - Fey could not resist their control. He was little more than a pet of the LPO now.

His soul cried out in despair, but nobody heard a single word.


	21. Time's Shadow

King Darkstos, the leader of the Dark Empire, sat upon his magnificent throne carved from a giant chunk of quartz and decorated with ebony bands. Normally, acquiring and/or making this item would've cost him a pretty penny, but fortunately for him, undead labor was free. And his skill with necromancy was such that it allowed him to raise corpses that retained some of their knowledge from their lives, and he'd rooted around in some graveyards and found some master craftsman.

Of course, other than him and his advisors, the Dark Empire was almost entirely made of various types of mostly-mindless undead. Exodus had been destroyed by The Hero and Dad, his main stronghold had been raided by those pawns of Ikari, and he couldn't afford the Decepticons' high prices anymore. He'd been forced to raise more and more undead to do his bidding, and while they were adequate for standard evil overlord work, they were somewhat lacking in the brains department.

Of course, Darkstos had little use for earthly things such as money. Even this magnificent throne (which greatly amplified his magical power) was just an object in the long run: no, his current focus was on something else. The appointed time was drawing near, and he would soon have no need for anything physical.

"Oh, stop expositing to yourself!" Darkstos Exultant said. King Darkstos looked up, and saw an almost identical doppelganger of himself giving him a dirty look. The only difference between the true Darkstos and his clone was the red halo over Exultant's head.

"Silence!" Darkstos yelled, doing his best to sound like an evil overlord. "What is the status of the TARDIS?"

"Way behind schedule. Your stupid zombies couldn't build a table!"

"I see." This displeased Darkstos. As ironic as it was, time was running out; he only needed to make a single trip back, but he needed to make sure that that one trip was completely accurate. If the TARDIS wasn't completed soon, it would be too late.

"My King! We have a visitor!" Darkstos Hierophant, differentiated by his green halo, remotely contacted his King.

"Bring him in."

A flash of blue light blinded Darkstos for a moment. When his vision returned, he was none too pleased to see a very familiar face looking up at him.

"Why have you come here, Bennett?" Darkstos asked. This man was Bennett the Sage, otherwise known as White, the leader of the Light Brigade. In times past, Darkstos believed in the goals of this man, and they had worked together for a better future; but now, Darkstos knew all too well that he had been manipulated from the start.

"I don't know, Atramentous. God, that's such a stupid name. I don't know if 'Darkstos' is better or worse." White said.

Darkstos hadn't heard his true name spoken aloud in a very long time. Yes, 'Atramentous' was a ridiculous name, and he'd mostly gone by his codename while part of the Brigade. But he personally thought that 'Darkstos' was at least better than 'Atramentous'.

"Let's cut to the chase. Exultant! Leave us." Exultant teleported away. Darkstos snapped his fingers, creating a fairly comfortable chair for White to sit in. "Why are you here, White?"

"Have you heard what happened on the planet of Ailma?" White asked.

"Indeed I have! And unlike the Brigade, I know how to stop Gendo. But unfortunately for you, I'm not sharing." Darkstos took great pleasure in rubbing that fact in, but White seemed totally unfazed.

"Whatever you have planned, it won't work." White said. "You're welcome to try, but if I were you, I'd put my resources into an all-out assault on the LPO's headquarters."

"Oh, is that so? Please, O Supreme Leader, tell me how to run my own Empire." Darkstos said. "If I wanted to be a pawn in your little war with Ikari, I would have never left the Brigade."

"It doesn't matter if you work for me or against me; you're still a pawn in a game beyond your comprehension." White said. "If you are so arrogant that you believe your little scheme has not already been accounted for, then by all means continue. But I will not come to your rescue when you fail."

"Fine by me. And when my 'little scheme' does work, I'm taking all the credit. Now please leave, before I get nasty."

"As you wish." White stood up and made for the exit. Darkstos Hierophant, another doppelganger of the King with a green halo, appeared to take him back to his waiting ship.

"Before you leave, White... who did you choose as my replacement?" Darkstos asked.

"Rebecca Black." White shuddered as he spoke that name. "She wasn't my first choice, but she's easy to control."

"Yes, that doesn't surprise me." Hierophant and White warped away, leaving Darkstos alone again.

Darkstos reached into his robe and pulled out a small black crystal. This was his only memento of his time in the Brigade, though it was not a happy reminder of his time under White; no, it was a reminder of his betrayal.

Bennett White and Red Pallet were former members of the Life Preservation Organization, but they had a falling out with its leader, Gendo Ikari. So they formed the Light Brigade in response. White's first recruit was Gandalf the Grey; his second was Atramentous, a necromancer who had long since killed every single last person on his home planet. As punishment, the gods of that world gave him eternal life, while at the same time preventing him from leaving the planet by any means.

He'd long since succumbed to insanity when the Brigade came; they needed an instant army quickly, and what better than easily-controlled, easily-replaced zombies and skeletons? And as it turned out, the gods' seal on him was more specifically 'cannot leave the planet under his own power'; White easily circumvented that by beaming him aboard their starship. Fittingly, he chose the codename "Black".

But as time went on, the Brigade deviated more and more from its original purpose. In the beginning, they focused mostly on liberating worlds under the LPO's control, but it wasn't long before they were overthrowing governments because White decided they were too restrictive. The Brigade's ranks swelled with living recruits, making his talents less and less useful; after all, why would they send an army of easily-defeated undead when an elite unit could do it by infiltrating the government and toppling it from the inside?

It came to a head with this crystal. White decided that they needed more power, and so he dispatched squads to find magical artifacts. The dark crystal was but one of them; it contained the power of Scathe, an unimaginably powerful spell that ripped space and time asunder. White ordered his top mages to 'test' the spell on an LPO colony on a remote planet.

Just as advertised, Scathe ripped open the fabric of spacetime, exposing the planet to the all-consuming nothingness of the Void. It quickly consumed the colony, and then the planet it was on, and it showed no signs of stopping. But White abandoned them on that planet, leaving them to die.

It was only luck that allowed Darkstos to escaped unscathed. Almost all of the other Brigadiers, including Aruman, were consumed by the Void; somehow, they survived as well, and they would emerge years later as the Cult of Pratonic. On the other hand, Darkstos returned to the City, only to learn that White knew what was going to happen beforehand, yet he did nothing to stop the deaths of his subordinates.

That was the day that Black renounced his title and became King Darkstos. He still had a fragment of the crystal that contained Scathe; its power had long since been drained, but it was a reminder of why he was here in the first place. On that day, Darkstos founded the Dark Empire, which would destroy anything that threatened the stability of the universe.

Darkstos teleported to his construction yard, where a number of zombies were constantly running inside and out of a small blue box. Tenebrous and Decadence, Darkstos' last two doppelgangers (with a yellow and blue halo, respectively), were directing them.

"Ah, my King!" Tenebrous bowed to his King. "Production on the TARDIS goes well."

"Is that so?" Darkstos asked. "Because Exultant told me that we were far behind schedule."

"The time circuit 'n shielding are done, captain. We just need more power." Decadence, who had an inexplicable Scottish accent, said.

"Ah, that's all? Excellent." Darkstos stepped inside the TARDIS, but to his surprise, it was smaller than he expected. It was still able to fit 10 zombies and Exultant in it, but he expected more.

"Sir!" Exultant said. "We've made excellent progress."

"Indeed you have... in fact, dare I say it, I believe you were lying about being behind schedule."

"No sir, I would never lie to you!"

"Sorry, Exultant. I get the feeling that you plan to usurp me." Darkstos pressed one finger to his temple.

"Oh, no, WAIT NO!" Exultant exploded into a rather gory mess. The zombies immediately stopped working and happily ate his remains off of the floor.

Darkstos' four doppelgangers (Decadence, Exultant, Tenebrous and Hierophant) were essentially advanced zombies, infused with parts of his ego. It didn't surprise him that one of them would try to take the TARDIS instead of him, but he wasn't really concerned.

"All right, men, lunch is over. Back to your posts!"

The zombies obediently got up and exited the TARDIS in orderly fashion. Darkstos pulled out the fragment of the Scathe crystal again, and placed it within a specially-designed slot in the TARDIS' main engines. Darkstos funneled most of his magic energy into the crystal, and the engines immediately started up.

He set the coordinates to Earth, in 1984.

The TARDIS shook as it dematerialized, making its trademark sound. The shields held as it traveled through the tim tunnel, but only barely; by the end of his trip, Darkstos was directly powering the shields, and it only barely materialized on 1980's Earth before crumbling to bits.

Darkstos was fortunately unharmed. During the trip, he'd changed his clothing; his glorious black robe would probably draw unneeded attention to himself. Now he was dressed in a simple three-piece suit, complete with briefcase.

He'd studied the route hundreds of times. He began walking toward a nearby apartment complex, using his magic to bypass the various locked doors in his way. A couple of people gave him weird looks, but he just erased their memories of the encounter.

Finally, he made it to an unassuming-looking apartment. He unlocked the door and stepped in; a Japanese woman immediately started yelling at him, but he had no reason to translate. He paralyzed and silenced the woman, and walked over to her; he placed his hand on her chest, feeling the pulse of life within her.

Human souls were a curious paradox. Darkstos liked to compared them to iron; they could shrug off the hardest of hits, but bend them the wrong way and... snap! Fragile, yet determined. Perhaps that's why they were so valued by the beings of the nether realms.

Darkstos drained the woman's energy, instantly killing her. It slightly restored his magic power, but he still had plenty in reserve. But there was another reason he'd come here. He stepped into the bedroom, which was empty save for a crib. An infant was quietly sleeping within it.

"Ah, little Gendo Ikari." Darkstos said to himself. The child showed none of his later features, such as his permanent scowl or his air of smug superiority, but Darkstos recognized the spark of that man within this child. He would grow up to become the enemy of the entire universe.

The infant woke, and started screaming for his mother. Darkstos placed his finger on the child's chest, casting a low-level silence spell to keep it quiet. The life energy within it was little more than a candle against the darkness of Atramentous, the King of the Dark Empire.

The child cried no more.

...Well, he was still alive. Killing the infant Gendo hadn't created a paradox that destroyed the universe, and he still remembered coming back in time to kill him. Which must mean that, despite Ikari and White's prescience, the chain of events in this universe was not set in stone.

Or he was in another universe. But if there was a multiverse where every single possibility was accounted for, the multiverse would have been destroyed already, and-

"GAH!" Darkstos yelled. It didn't matter, he killed Gendo and stopped him from ever completing the Records.

His TARDIS was destroyed, which meant that he couldn't quickly go to the future. But at the same time, he was in the past, on a world of nearly 7 billion people, with no major forces around to stop him from his greater goals. Darkstos had many goals, yes, and both the LPO and the Brigade had stood in his way... but now, they would never come to be. Darkstos walked off into the sunset, mentally writing the first step of his master plan...


	22. Smile

"This is it."

Three men and a woman, all dressed in gray spacesuits, looked in awe at the spaceship before them. It was relatively small, only around the size and shape of a house, but it was possibly the most advanced ship they had built to this point.

"It's kind of lame." Bennett said.

"Well, we can't exactly pilot the Leviahamut on our own." Yui said. "We need BURTON for fine-tuning, but he requested that we don't build the mainframe directly into it. Plus, it gives us an escape pod if we need to escape."

"Though I highly doubt we'll need to eject." Gendo said. "The Leviahamut is unlike any ship I've ever seen. It's more powerful than the rest of Earth's fleet combined, and based on the data we've translated, it's mass-produced."

"Man, just thinking about what kind of force could mass-produce ships like that gives me the chills..." Red said. "What if they're looking for it? If they have more Leviahamut ships, we wouldn't even stand a chance."

"That's the point of the mission, dumbass." Bennett said.

Bennett White, Red Pallet, and Gendo and Yui Ikari. These four were the main researchers of the BURTON Project, as well as its designated pilots.

Five years ago, an alien AI calling itself "BURTON" fell in the Pacific Ocean. It broadcasted itself across Earth, infecting several major computer networks and messing up the Internet for a few days. Gendo and Yui Ikari, then AI researchers working for NERV, were able to isolate BURTON in a huge mainframe that could support its consciousness.

Over the next few years, the Ikaris decoded and translated the information given out by BURTON. They learned of the Leviahamut: a ship on the edge of the Sol System, nearly as large as Earth itself, and BURTON's home for the past few billion years. He had transferred himself to an escape pod and launched himself to Earth, mostly because he was bored.

BURTON's data greatly advanced Earth technology, and in the few years between his discovery and the current day, they had made and flown an FTL-capable ship from scratch. They'd also contacted several other alien races and organizations; the most friendly was the Presbyterian Church, a seemingly-benevolent group of peacekeepers who advanced Earth's tech even further.

They'd even brought the Leviahamut closer to Earth (it was in orbit around Jupiter at the moment), but they couldn't directly pilot it. BURTON claimed that he could, so they built him into a small spaceship, which would dock with the Leviahamut and serve as the bridge.

This was their first mission. The Ikaris, Bennett and Red (the latter two were pilots, and the BURTON-1 had been custom-made for them to pilot) would dock with the Leviahamut, configure it, do a quick test flight and return to Earth. If everything was successful, the Leviahamut would be made into the flagship of the Earth fleet, and would be sent out to explore the universe.

"All systems are go." Red said. "Launching in 3... 2... 1..."

The BURTON-1's reactionless drive gently lifted the ship off of the ground, propelling it through the atmosphere and into outer space. They still weren't quite sure how the reactionless drives worked, or what powered them, but they could safely replicate the tech, which was good enough for them.

"How are you doing, BURTON?" Yui asked.

"ALL SYSTEMS ARE AT 100%." BURTON announced. "PREPARING TO JUMP TO JUPITER."

The ship shook a bit as the FTL drive engaged. It barely took a few seconds for the BURTON-1 to jump from Earth to Jupiter.

They reappeared a few hundred kilometres above the Leviahamut. Described as "biotechnomagical" by BURTON, it was a complete mystery, even to the people that had studied and reverse-engineered it. Even BURTON couldn't explain how everything worked upon it, and he had also studied it for billions of years.

"COMMENCING DOCKING WITH THE LEVIAHAMUT." The BURTON-1 was drawn into the Leviahamut by the latter ship's gravity; BURTON used the reactionless drive to make slight course corrections.

"That thing..." Bennett commented, looking at the ship from below. "It doesn't even look like a ship. It's... alive, somehow."

"BURTON said that it was at least 85% organic." Gendo said. "The outer hull is metallic, but... you're right. It's not any metal known to us."

"But if it's organic, shouldn't it have died by now?" Red wondered. "What kind of living thing could live for billions of years?"

"A perfectly-engineered one." Gendo said. "Someone grew and built it as a weapon of war. But against what...?"

The BURTON-1 unveiled its own organic tentacles, which attached themselves to the hull of the Leviahamut. The hull seemed to shiver in anticipation as BURTON began transfering power to it.

"DOCKING COMPLETE. PREPARING CONFIGURATION." BURTON said. The BURTON-1 was pulled through the hull of the Leviahamut, into the glowing red flesh below; the main screen switched to an outside view, with Jupiter dominating the right side of the screen.

Yui pulled a couple of keyboards out of a counter, and some holographic screens full of command prompts popped up. Her and Bennett pulled up the main OS of the Leviahamut, which BURTON helpfully translated for them, and went to work.

"Command, this is BURTON-1." Gendo said, pulling up the main communication systems of the BURTON-1. "We have successfully docked with the Leviahamut, and configuration is well underway."

"Copy, BURTON-1." an American voice replied.

The BURTON-1 shook as it came to a stop. A door in the back of the ship opened, revealing the actual bridge of the Leviahamut; a huge, glassy dome, with various panels suspended in midair. The lights in the main bridge came on as Red stepped into it, though there was no artificial gravity; he barely managed to grab one of the panels before flying off and hitting the glass.

"CONFIGURATION COMPLETE." BURTON announced. "LEVIAHAMUT SELF-REPAIR SYSTEMS INITIATED... COMPLETE."

"Complete? Are you sure?" Yui asked.

"YES. THE LEVIAHAMUT'S SYSTEMS HAVE KEPT THEMSELVES MAINTAINED."

"So there's another AI in it?" Gendo said.

"A BACKUP OF MYSELF. DOWNLOADING DATA... COMPLETE. BESIDES BEING TOWED BY EARTH SHIPS, NOTHING OF NOTE HAS HAPPENED SINCE I LEFT."

"Hey, I think I've got this!" Red shouted from the main bridge. He pressed a few buttons on the panel, and the Leviahamut shuddered as it moved on its own power for the first time in five years.

"Command, we have liftoff-" Gendo said, but they had quickly passed out of the range of their communicators.

"CURRENT SPEED IS APPROXIMATELY 5,000 TIMES LIGHTSPEED." BURTON announced. "ALL SYSTEMS ARE ACTIVE AND FUNCTIONING AS EXPECTED."

"We did it!" Yui cheered. "Good job, BURTON!"

"THANK YOU, MRS. IKARI."

"Alright, let's head back to Earth." Bennett said.

"...No." Gendo said. "Let's see how fast this ship can go. BURTON, engage full speed."

"AFFIRMATIVE. CURRENT SPEED 100,000 TIMES LIGHTSPEED... 1,000,000... 100,000,000..."

And then, they breached the edge of the universe. What lied beyond was darkness... pure, horrifying darkness... The crew of the Leviahamut screamed as the impossible void took them...

* * *

><p>"Asleep on the job again, Gendo?"<p>

"Yui?" Gendo wondered. He opened his eyes... only to see Jo, his second-in-command.

"You've been working too hard." Jo chided. "You should take a day off now and then."

"No... we're almost done. What did you need?"

"Oh, I just wanted to let you know that the entire fleet's been recalled. We're ready for their assault."

"Good. Tell everyone to persevere a little bit longer..."

"Sir." Jo saluted and left, leaving Gendo alone with his thoughts. He'd had that dream every night for the past 200 years... every time. He kept himself awake with stimulants and nanomachines, but even he had to sleep every so often. Not that it was very restful, but it was more a mental necessity than a physical one.

The Leviahamut had made it out of the Void, but... Yui's screaming, crying face as she was pulled into the Void was an image permanently burnt into Gendo's mind. He, Bennett and Red had escaped with most of the Leviahamut intact, but all of them had been touched. Red lost his voice, bu gained the ability to summon monsters, while he and Bennett saw visions of the future.

The chronologically second-last vision that Gendo had seen was Fey absorbing Decordia. The last vision was... Yui, within a pure white dimension of pure knowledge. Bennett had seen different visions, though he had ever only revealed one to Gendo: an all-consuming, infinite Void, ending the universe for good.

They never returned to Earth. Instead, Gendo, Bennett and Red formed the Life Preservation Organization, initially to stop the end of the universe as seen by Bennett. Gendo instead used it to learn more about the Great Machine Force, the group who built the Leviahamut; his research eventually led him to the Archetypes, and the Akashic Records they were attached to.

Eventually, they had a falling out; Bennett and Red left to form the Light Brigade to better pursue his own visions, while Gendo continued his research of the Akashic Records. He learned that the Records had been corrupted by the Void, and that the only way to fix and complete them was to free the Great-Lord, the entity whose body formed the Void, and complete his mission of absorbing the entire universe.

Gendo had no idea what would happen once the Records were complete. But, the image of his wife, smiling, within the dimension of knowledge... that had been his driving force for the last 200 years. He had preserved his life to see his goals to the end, but now, it was almost over. He could finally sleep peacefully...

Soon, the combined forces of the many enemies he'd made would assault his stronghold. But he was ready. His fleet only needed to delay them.

"Sir." Fey, the Archetype under his control, stepped into his office. He had reverted to his humanoid appearance, though the cyborg implants remained lodged in his body.

"What is it?" Gendo asked.

"We've captured a strange ship. It appears to be under the control of the Great Machine Force."

"I see." So, they had decided to intervene after all. That might be a problem. "I will speak to the captain."

"Yes sir."

Gendo got up from behind his desk and placed his hand on Fey. The latter shifted into his silvery Archetype form, and Gendo was absorbed. But due to Gendo's nanomachines and Fey's implants, Gendo retained control of Fey, even though his body was instantly disassembled and converted into data.

Fey's body shifted into a copy of Gendo's, even copying his suit and sunglasses. Fey's mind still existed within the body, but it was kept docile by the implants; even still, Gendo could feel Fey struggling against him, trying to regain control of his own body. He would not succeed.

Gendo teleported to the hangar. A ship almost identical to the Leviahamut was there, held in place by tractor beams. Waiting for him was three robots; two standard humanoid androids, and a strange quadripedal one with a glass case on top of it, holding what could only be described as an evil watermelon.

_"You are Gendo Ikari?"_ the watermelon asked. It had a rough, robotic voice, spoken out of a simple voice-box at the base of the glass case.

"I am. And you are?"

_"I am Rossum the Machine-King, leader of the Great Machine Force."_ Rossum mock-bowed to Gendo. _"It has come to my attention that you have an AI named BURTON under your control."_

"And if I do?"

_"BURTON and the Leviahamut he was attached to are both my property."_ Rossum said, barely trying to restrain his contempt. _"I humbly request that you give them back."_

"As you wish. I have no further use for them."

Gendo waved his hand, and a small, blue robot that looked cheaply-made appeared before them.

"BURTON, your master has returned for you." Gendo said.

"HE IS NOT MY MASTER." BURTON said.

"That settles that, then." Gendo pointed at Rossum and his robots, firing silver tendrils and absorbing them in the blink of an eye. The GMF Leviahamut powered up its weapons, but Gendo easily absorbed it as well.

"WAS THAT WISE?" BURTON asked.

"I do not care about the GMF." Gendo said. "Even their entire fleet showed up here at this very moment, they could not stop me."

"I SEE. IF YOU DO NOT MIND, I WILL RETURN TO MY WORK." BURTON vanished.

Gendo poured through the data he'd absorbed from Rossum. Sure enough, several of his theories about the GMF were confirmed; most notably, that Rossum and the GMF somehow survived the collapse and reformation of the universe. The Leviahamut also had all of the data on the Great-Lord's adventures, including one event where he had created some very special artifacts.

A Void portal opened in front of him, and his silver hand reached into it. He searched for a few minutes, until finally finding what he was looking for: a set of inky-black balls, seven in total. They were slightly corrupted, but Fey's body would be able to purify them.

"Brother!" Hulk Hogan appeared in the hangar. "They're here!"

"Who's here?" Gendo asked.

"...Everyone!"

"Let them come." Gendo smiled for the third time in his life. "It is too late for them to stop me."


	23. Ascension

For those who came in late...

Gendo Ikari, leader of the Life Preservation Organization, is finally nearing the completion of his centuries-in-the-making master plan to reunite with his dead wife. The basic idea is that he plans on using the Dragon Balls to combine the mind of Rafael "Fey" Colombini, an Archetype (a class of god-like entities that can absorb other people, places and things and gain their powers) with the Void (an extra-dimensional all-consuming plane of nothingness that is actually the body of a dead god that ate the previous multiverse). In doing so, Voidfey will absorb everything and everyone in this universe, which Gendo believes will lead to the completion of the Akashic Records (the sum total of all information that has, will and could ever exist in the multiverse), which will basically be Heaven. Or so he thinks... it's not clear if he's right or not.

Naturally, everyone else thinks he's a nut. When we last left off, the combined forces of everyone who opposes the LPO is at Gendo's doorstep, and they plan on doing whatever they can to stop him. Due to there being about twenty billion characters in this story, there's quite a few people against him, so let's just quickly list them off:

-The Presbyterian Church, a peacekeeping force and religious group that's pretty much the unambiguous good guys in the story. In addition to their standard sci-fi fleet, they also have the CRF, a specialized division of Super Robots and their pilots.

-The Light Brigade, a Chaotic Good group led by Bennett "The Sage" White, one of Gendo's previous companions. The Light Brigade's forces consist of another sci-fi fleet, plus their flagship, the Prismatic Sword (captained by Bright Noa), as well as the forces of The Meister and Rebecca Black, two users of the art of Falmagic (a type of magic that uses the spoken word to manipulate reality)

-The Decepticons, the titular evil robots from Transformers. They were created by the Life Preservation Organization as part of the latter's Super Robot Project, but they rebelled and became soldiers of fortune. Disco Megatron (the leader of the Decepticons, who's tied to the cosmic personification of disco music) wants revenge on Ikari for using them, and he also wants to create a homeworld for him and his men.

-The Legion, a shadowy group that consists of various villains from throughout fiction. They oppose the LPO out of principle, as they play "devil's advocate" to any force strong enough to oppose them, though the members tend to be somewhat disorganized at best.

-The Explorers, a ragtag group of heroes that have been used by the LPO at various points and mostly want revenge. This group consists of Lemeza Kosugi, his identical clone, Quote the robot, Gilgamesh the multi-armed swordmaster, a little girl and user of Falmagic named Fally, Hope Chapman/JesuOtaku, Siere the Water Demon, three clones of Luigi, Gandalf, and Bate the magical talking ship (who they're riding on).

These are the main groups involved in the direct battle, but there's a few other groups that should be mentioned:

-The Great Machine Force, a much more powerful group that operates on a universal level. They're actually remnants from the previous universe, as they somehow survived its collapse and destruction. Their leader, Rossum the Machine-King (an evil watermelon) was rather rudely consumed by Ikari, but they have not yet entered the fight proper.

-King Darkstos, the leader of the Dark Empire. He's a laughingstock among the other groups for being ineffectually evil, but he recently built himself a TARDIS and went back in time to kill Ikari. The ramifications of that act are as of yet unknown.

-Ganondorf (of the Legion) and Doctor Insano (another survivor of the previous universe) are also out in the stars somewhere, looking for a person or people named "Olympus" (more survivors from the previous universe, and said to be responsible for this universe's creation).

Pretty much every other character in the story has either been consumed by the Void or disappeared into parts unknown. They will be introduced as they come.

Now, on to the main event!

* * *

><p>"We're ready to breach the dimensional barrier!"<p>

Bennett "The Sage" White stood on the bridge of his flagship, the Prismatic Sword. On his left was his second-in-command, Rebecca Black; on his right, the Captain of the ship, Bright Noa. The other bridge staff scuttled around, desperately trying to get everything ready for the battle ahead of them.

The viewing screen at the front of the bridge showed a white fissure floating in the depths of space. This was the physical entrance to Tokyo-Aleph, the Life Preservation Organization's true headquarters. White had spent a good 30 years designing a weapon that could breach this barrier, and he had built it into this ship; in fact, it was little more than just a glorified cannon with an engine on the back, though it had served him well in its years of service.

This was exactly like the vision.

Nearly 200 years ago, White, Red and the two Ikaris had captured an incredibly advanced ship and basically took it for a joyride. As a result, Yui died, Red was struck mute, and both White and Gendo received visions of the future. This was the second-last vision White had seen: this massive fleet, composed of various groups from throughout the universe, converging on this barrier. The last vision he'd seen was a gaping black maw swallowing everything, permanently blotting out all light everywhere for all time.

He knew that Gendo had seen a different vision: that of his wife, Yui, smiling at him while they were both in Heaven. Gendo's endgame was to artifically create that Heaven, by using the Void to consume everything and hoping that it would complete the Akashic Records. No one was exactly sure what would happen if Ikari was successful, but White wasn't about to let him have his way without a fight.

Red's cap sat on the console in front of him. He'd died in a skirmish a while back, but White had promised him that he'd try and talk some sense into Ikari. White doubted that he could at this point, but even still, he had to stop the LPO somehow.

"Shall we fire?" Noa asked.

"...Yeah. Inform the rest of the fleet that we're going in." White said.

"Got it. ALL HANDS TO DECK! This is the big one, guys!" Noa started shouting orders at the bridge staff.

"I guess it's our turn, huh?" Black said. Beside her was a wrinkled old crone known only as 'The Meister'; both women were users of Falmagic, an art that tapped into the Records and manipulated reality via the use of speech and music. They were a vital part of this weapon, and White had schemed for some time to get them both on his side. He'd accepted that, to save the universe, he'd have to do some less than ethical things... but it would soon pay off.

"Whenever you're ready." White said. "And, Black? ...Good luck."

"Thanks, boss."

"All commports are open." Noa said. "We're ready to fire whenever you ladies are."

"Indeed." The Meister took a deep breath, psyching herself up for this battle. Unlike the rest of the fleet, she knew she'd survive this fight; after all, her younger self was involved in it as well, and at some point during the fight, she'd be thrown thousands of years into the past along with her friend Quote. She had no idea what was in store for her now, but she was willing to lay down her life to stop the LPO.

Rebecca and the Meister began singing a beautiful aria that echoed across the entire fleet. And from there, the aria was broadcasted to every planet, every space station, every living thing that was even tangentially connected to the Brigade, the Church, the Legion, the Decepticons or even the Explorers. Billions upon billions of people, robots and others were entranced by the beautiful song, and for but a single moment, they were of one mind and soul.

At this precise moment, the Prismatic Sword fired its main weapon, the Aria of Remembrance, at the dimensional barrier. The white beam surged forth from the bow of the Sword, powered by the hopes and dreams of every being linked to it. The dimensional barrier held, but only for a moment; the Aria forced its way through an atom-wide crack and exploded out the other side. Soon, the cracks got bigger and bigger, until the entire gate was thrown wide open, exposing Tokyo-Aleph to realspace for the first time in a century.

"Now, go!" White ordered. The cheers of billions lightened their spirits as the fleet charged through the wide-open gate. Sitting behind it was a floating island with a technological fortress upon it floating in space, surrounded by a thin atmosphere... and thousands of ships, several dozen Granzebomas and a now star-sized silvery sphere that had once been a man known as Fey.

It was going to be a tough fight. But they weren't about to give in so easily.

"Decepticons, attack!" Disco Megatron ordered. The Presbyterian Church had paid him and the Decepticons a significant amount to get them into this battle, but even if they hadn't, they probably would've shown up anyways; Megatron couldn't resist the opportunity to kill that fleshbag with his own hands.

The Decepticons had borrowed some of the Church's Spiral tech, and had used it to construct larger bodies for themselves. Disco Megatron himself had the largest, clocking in around the size of a small moon, and the lesser mass-produced Decepticons were around the size of the other ships in the fleet. Of course, Megatron was the most powerful, since he also had the Disco Force on his side: his giant body, which he liked to call "Galvatron", had a flowing cape of pure disco energy flapping behind it. He pulled out a mace and swung it, taking out two of the Granzebomas by himself.

"Bah! I'll show that scrapheap who really deserves the Disco Force!" Kefka shouted. He powered up to his God of Magic form and blasted another Granzeboma with his Light of Judgement; two other Granzebomas and a few ships closed in around him, but he blasted them all with a custom-made spell he came up with on the spot: Forsakenga, which ripped the enemy ships (and a few allied ones too) apart at the quantum level. The rest of the Legion used their various magic and ki attacks, taking out around 10% of the enemy fleet just by themselves.

"You think that you could control the Disco Force?" Megatron said, scoffing at the thought that a mere fleshy human could use it even 1/100% as well as he could.

"I can!" Fally said, watching the battle from the deck of the magical talking ship named Bate. She used her own Falmagic talents to replicate the Disco Attack, blasting more of the enemy fleet with sound waves in space.

"Yeah, I can too!" Bate said. "MAGNA DISCO ATTACK!"

Several planet-sized glowing doppelgangers of Bate appeared from out of nowhere and rammed into the LPO's ships, completely annihilating them. Unfortunately, Fey took this opportunity to get involved in the battle, firing out countless silver tendrils that latched onto and absorbed the Disco Bates with ease.

"Take care of that Greater Archetype!" Master Yoda told the CRF.

"Got it, boss!" Kouji replied. "Come on, everyone! Let's show them the true power of the Super Robot Squadron!"

He hadn't said it to anyone, but Kouji almost felt personally responsible for the silver monstrosity before him. He and Guy, and several other Church ships, had been involved in the battle of Ailma where he first manifested; it was due to the Super Robot Squadron's own failure that Fey was forced to take such a desperate form, which was exactly what Ikari had planned. They had even fled, an act that Kouji normally wouldn't have even considered, but there had been no choice... but they could end it here.

A Granzeboma stood in their way. Just like the battle at Mykodia. It had barely been a year since they were dispatched to handle Exodus, stumbling on Ikari's plot in the process. Only a year... so many things had happened in that year, but it seemed like barely any time had passed at all. He briefly remembered the adventures he'd had on the Daikaizer, with Kens, Jo, Noodles, Shin, Impa, Katara, Aeristh, Peach... and Fey. They were all dead now, absorbed by Fey when he lost his mind and became the Greater Archetype before them.

Mazinkaizer's The Power-enhanced Fire Blaster reduced most of the Granzeboma's chest to slag, while Genesic GaoGaiGar's Goldion Crusher reduced it to scattered photons. The rest of the Super Robot Squadron flew ahead, using their dozens of exotic and immensely powerful weapons to try and take out Fey... but they were picked off, one by one.

"Guy!" Lucca shouted from one of the Church's vessels. "Get out of there! That Greater Archetype's gonna swallow you whole!"

"No." Guy responded calmly. "I'm not running away this time."

"I know how you feel, bud!" Kouji said. "Come on, let's snap Fey outta this!"

"Right!"

Kouji blasted away more of Fey's tendrils with another Fire Blaster, giving Guy just enough time to recharge the Goldion Crusher.

"Fey... Rest in peace, friend." Guy muttered.

Genesic GaoGaiGar lit up with The Power, Genesic Aura, Spiral Power and hundreds of other exotic energies, powering up the planet-sized Goldion Crusher even further. Fey tried to absorb it, but it recoiled in shock from the sheer power coursing through the gigantic hammer.

"HIKARI! NI! NAREEEEEE!" Guy shouted, swinging the hammer at Fey. The Greater Archetype's entire body was instantly destroyed in a single attack, but at a price: Genesic GaoGaiGar, and its pilot Guy Shishioh, were vaporized in the attack as well. Kouji, watching from his cockpit, shed a single tear for his fallen friend... but his sacrifice would not be wasted.

"Incredible." Rebecca gasped as she witnessed the Goldion Crusher attack. "Absolutely... incredible."

"We've pierced the last shield!" Noa said. "We're ready to warp the ground troops in!"

"No." White said. "I'll confront Gendo myself. If I don't report back in a few minutes, then you can send in the troops."

"You got it." Noa set the coordinates, and White disappeared in front of them, rematerializing in Tokyo-Aleph's hangar. To his surprise, there was a few other people waiting there for him.

"And you are?" White asked.

"You don't recognize me, Bennett?" Hope Chapman, aka JesuOtaku, asked. "We used to work together. Or at least, I worked with a version of you. I dunno, I'm still trying to wrap my head around this whole multiverse thing."

"You're White of the Light Brigade, hmm?" Sephiroth asked. "I don't believe we've met. But I must have words with Ikari... preferably his screams of pain as I slowly torture the life out of him."

"Yeah, I've gotta get back at him too. He killed the only person I could ever call my father." Kens, a youth dressed in red armor, said.

"HOAKOGAN IS HERE!" the Ultimate Warrior screamed at the top of his lungs. "I WILL RIP OUT HIS SPINE and consume his entrails..."

"Hmm." White said, looking at the assembled group. "My information says that three of you should be dead."

"Well, they were, but I figured I'd give them a helping hand." Death of the Endless winked and vanished before anyone realized she was there.

The five-man band charged through Tokyo-Aleph, easily cutting through the basic cyborgs and android troops left to defend it. It was easy... too easy.

Sure enough, they came across a closed arena where three of the LPO's generals were waiting for them.

"You'll go no further!" ROB said, charging up a gyro disk.

"You interrupted my daily minion killing! And I do NOT like being interrupted!" Hagan said, brandishing a long curved knife in each hand.

"Listen up, brothers, I'm gonna run wild over you and deliver your corpses to Ikari!" Hogan boasted.

"Oh good, I've been meaning to release some of my pent-up rage!" Hope drew her rose sword and powered up, and her and ROB vanished in a flash of light.

"I'll play with you for a bit, little girl. Don't start crying if I hurt you, now." Sephiroth drew his Masamune and engaged Hagan, and they too vanished.

"EVEN DEATH CANNOT STOP THE POWER OF THE WARRIOR, HOAKOGAN! YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH AS I TAKE YOUR HULKAMANIA AND TURN IT INTO HULKAFAILIA!" Hogan and the Warrior vanished as well.

"Well... that was odd." White remarked. "Come on kid, we've got to keep going."

White and Kens continued onward, fighting off even more waves of robots. Kens took out most of them with a Giga Drill Breaker, while White burnt the rest out with an EMP grenade. They fought their way up to Gendo's office, but they were stopped the room before by a woman in blue.

"White, Kens." Jo said. "I'm afraid Gendo is busy right now, so he's not seeing any visitors."

"Okay, how are you alive?" White asked.

"That...?" Jo laughed as she pulled a pure white stone out of a pocket on her robe. "This thing, of course. Don't you recognize it?"

"It's..."

"You obtained one some time ago, one that contained the space-time rending spell known as Scathe." The white stone flashed twice, creating an identical duplicate of White at Jo's side. "This one contains the spell known as Raisega, which is capable of resurrecting a copy of anyone living or dead. Both were produced by a race of beings known as the Lavoids."

"Lavoids?" Kens said. "So it was you! You destroyed all of those innocent planets, just for some shiny rock?"

"Indeed we did, Kens." Jo said. "I can tell that you don't understand. Ever since you've been young, you've always been self-absorbed, unable to see the big picture. We needed this stone to further our plans... and in order to get one, we had to sacrifice a few worlds. They will be reincarnated in the glorious future of the Akashic Records."

"Ever... ever since I was young?" Kens said. "You, you're-"

"That's right." Jo smiled. "You're my son, by way of the man standing next to you."

"Wait, what?" said a dumbfounded White. "Listen, you're hot and all, but I would remember if I had sex with Ikari's second in command."

"We wiped your memory of it." Jo's smile widened into an all-out slasher grin. White's copy mimicked her expression. "You are a potential Archetype, White. Did you know that? I took some of your genetic material and simulated a pregnancy within my Akasha, and the result was Kens - a Greater Archetype that lacks a weakness to magic."

"Okay, why did you do that?" White asked, ignoring the look of horror on Kens' face.

"It's all part of the plan." Jo's body changed into a perfect replica of Death of the Endless. "We needed to bring Kens back after his unfortunate accident at Fey's hands, but we didn't want to make it look too suspicious. So we brought back Sephiroth and the Warrior too, and I took this form to throw off suspicion."

"And... why do you need the kid?"

"He's the perfect vessel for the Void. He's the only one who can contain the entirety of Sponby's body within him, and once we use the Dragon Balls to fuse him and Fey together, they'll become the Perfect Akashic Records. We're so close, White. You can't stop us..."

Jo spawned more copies of White, but the original White whipped up a double spiked club and bashed their heads in. Kens eventually snapped out of his BSOD and joined in, taking out the steadily-increasing number of copies with drills, but Jo just kept spawning more, laughing all the while...

"Now die, White!" Jo shifted into her elemental form and fired her dark water tendrils at him, but a lightning-fast sword slash cut Jo in two.

"Bitch please. KARMA CANNON!" Hope blasted Jo with the weaponized form of the good karma she'd collected in a large-scale simulation of Fallout 3 (it makes sense in context, trust me), completely annihilating her and the rest of the White clones.

"Thanks." White said offhandedly. "Where's the other two?"

"Dunno." Hope shrugged. "Probably still fighting in their little pocket dimensions. Doesn't matter to me."

The three of them stepped into the office at the back of the room, only to realize... nothing was there. Beyond the door was the nothingness of the Void.

"You're too late." The three of them saw Gendo, the real Fey and the Dragon Balls appear, all surrounded in a light shield. "Dragon Tied To Sponby, I invoke your name. Appear before me and grant my wish."

Hope ran through the door, but she quickly vanished into the darkness of the Void. White and Kens wisely took a few steps back, but Fey fired his own tendrils at the two, dragging them in. White was absorbed into the darkness, but Kens somehow remained... in fact, it seemed almost as if the Void was being absorbed into him.

"All according to plan." Gendo said. It took barely a few minutes for Kens to finish absorbing the Void, though he looked no worse for wear afterwards.

The battle outside was actually going in the favour of the allied forces, but both sides immediately stopped when they saw the massive dragon appear before them.

"I HAVE BEEN AWAKENED." the Dragon said. "I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH, GENDO IKARI."

"Indeed you will." Gendo smiled for the fourth time in his life. "I wish for these two beings, Rafael Colombini and Robert Frankenstein, to become one in mind and two in body."

"YOUR WISH..."

Kens lashed out with the entire power of the Void, absorbing Gendo, Fey, the Dragon Balls and the light shield and reducing them to nothing.

"...HAS BEEN GRANTED."

But it was too late. The Dragon vanished as Fey reappeared, completely cloaked in universe-breaking light. The two beings of one mind absorbed each other and immediately exploded outwards, absorbing the allied and enemy fleets, and eventually the rest of the universe, and from there, the paltry few other universes that made up the Third Iteration of this particular multiverse.


	24. Records

An infinite white void, stretching out in all directions forever. Or perhaps it was a single point of light, a single particle, reflected and magnified by itself. All and nothing, an instant and forever. Life and death.

The Akashic Records.

Gendo Ikari became aware of his consciousness floating within the infinite light. He willed himself a physical body, and the Records complied, forming quarks, atoms, molecules, proteins, chromosomes, cells, bones, tissues, skin, and finally implanting the brain with memories.

He remembered everything. Every last second of his life, from birth to death, all of the paths he took and all of the paths he could have taken. NERV, SEELE, EVA, Tokyo-3, Instrumentality, Rei...

Rei. A blue-haired girl dressed in white appeared before Gendo, formed by his will.

"Who are you?" Gendo asked, his words echoing throughout the beautiful void.

"Think about it." Rei said. The memories came back to Gendo, and he remembered the paths. Not just the one he took or the ones he could have taken, but... all of them. Everything. Everything that existed or could have existed, every being with intelligence that lived a life... everything.

Before his ascension, Gendo had learned that the multiverse he had lived in was the third such iteration of the universe. There had been some who survived the destruction and recreation of the second, Rossum the GMF leader, the force he'd acquired that information from, Miles Antwiler and Doctor Madeness, and the five beings known collectively as Olympus. His path in the third iteration lead to his creation of the Life Preservation Organization.

But he remembered his previous path, in the Second Iteration of the universe. He was... Evangelion? A... fictional show.

"I'm..." Realization dawned within Gendo's mind. "I'm... I'm a fictional character."

Rei wrapped her arms around Gendo's back and whispered into his ear. "With all of the potentialities of the multiverse, it is inevitable that a fictional work in one universe would be real in another."

"No." Gendo gently pried himself from underneath Rei's arms. "I have dedicated my life to fulfilling the visions I received within the Void. I was not told how to achieve them, but my intelligence and resources allowed me to succeed nonetheless. Or... or so I thought."

Gendo turned around, but Rei had vanished. In her place was Shinji, his son.

"I..." Shinji muttered. "...Father."

"My son." Gendo wiped a tear from his eye. "I do not deserve that name. I have never been a good father, even in my best incarnations. I... I am sorry, Shinji."

"Father..."

"It's okay, Gendo." Yui materialized out of the ether behind Shinji. "You've finally done it, my love."

"No." Yui and Shinji approached Gendo, but he backed away. "I have... I have thrown everything away, even the lives of innumerable living and breathing entities, just for my own selfish desires."

"And look what's happened!" Yui said. "The Akashic Records are finally completed. Now and forever, all of those entities will live in perfect peace and harmony."

A billion billion billion people and more materialized behind Yui, all cheering Gendo's name.

"Enough!" Gendo willed the Records to give him power, and they obliged. He destroyed the crowd with a wave of his hand, leaving only the three of them within the void. "You are trying to deceive me... You are not my wife."

"But..." Yui smiled. The last vision in Gendo's mind had finally been fulfilled, but it did not bring him relief or joy. No, it brought him... an epiphany.

"We are tools." Gendo said. "Works of fiction, created by these Records for use as hackers and debuggers. They were corrupted and rendered incomplete long before the Great-Lord's ascension, but it was only then that they could do anything about it. They created the Third Iteration, they gave me visions, they manipulated everything... just to fix a few lines of code. I have been such a fool."

"Indeed you have, Father." Shinji said sarcastically. His body vanished, leaving only an amorphous silhouette filled with black-and-white static. "You have worked well, even with the limited knowledge I gave you."

Yui backed away from the abberation that was once her son, but it lashed out at her, consuming her entire body.

"Does it anger you, Ikari, to see your wife snatched away from before your very eyes yet again?" the silhouette taunted. "Because I can do it again and again until it does."

Hundreds of Yui clones appeared around the silhouette, all of whom panicked and ran away in fear. Hundreds of spikes shout out from within the static, piercing and drawing in each one individually.

"What are you really?" Gendo asked. "You are not the Akashic Records, nor an avatar thereof. You are different."

"You are stupider than I thought." The silhouette laughed as its form shifted, growing and unfolding into an eleventh-dimensional being with no determinable shape. "You have spent the majority of your miserable little life looking for the Records, yet not only do you not recognize them when you finally see them, but you actively reject them."

"You are not the Records." Gendo said. "I'll ask you again. What are you?"

"The Records and I are one and the same, because I was the one who created them. I am God."

"Then I deny you, God. I deny you, your Records and your miserable self-serving universe."

Gendo willed the destruction of the false god before him, but the Records refused to touch it. God's mirthless laughter filled every point of the infinite space between them, amused by the man trying to defeat him with his own power.

"'Self-serving', Ikari? You're certainly one to talk."

"Yes, I am selfish and destructive, I freely admit that. But I do not regret any of the choices I made, even if they led up to this moment. And that is why you are no God: I made the decision to complete the Records by my own free will."

"You fool. You were but a pawn in my game! You moved by my will alone. Had you failed, I would have simply found another desperate man to use and manipulate."

"Exactly. You needed the help of a mortal to complete the Records, and presumably restore yourself. You are no omnipotent creator, just a blowhard abberation that thinks it can scare a single man into submission."

EVA Unit 01 materialized around Gendo. Yui and Shinji appeared in the entry plug alongside him, and their combined power powered the mecha's charge at the abberation calling itself God. They ripped its AT Field wide open and threw as many weapons they could will from the Records inside the shifting monstrosity, though naturally, they failed to seriously harm it.

"You are annoying." The abberation solidified for a moment, taking the form of a gigantic red star. It annihilated Unit 01 with a gamma ray burst, but more mecha appeared. The abberation destroyed them too, but they reformed good as new.

"I understand it now." Gendo said, rematerializing along with Unit 01 and his family. "I am no different from Aruman. We both wanted preservation, either through the Records or the Void. You... you may have been right after all, Bennett."

Unit 01 could not directly harm the abberation, so it instead went for the Records. It tore through more and more AT Fields, destroying vital information with each swipe of its claws. The infinite white light of the surrounding void began to dim, eventually turning black.

The abberation, again taking its chaotic static form, attempted to consume Gendo and Unit 01, but he reformed itself each and every time. He continued his assault on the Records, until everything but him and the abberation was erased from their memories.

"Ha... ha ha ha!" The abberation's form encircled Unit 01, stripping its flesh and armor away layer by layer, until only Gendo remained, holding the last kernel of the Records' memories in his hands.

"Destroy me, and you destroy yourself." Gendo warned.

"I know! I can't believe you would be stupid enough to do that!" the abberation said. "Now I can torture you for all eternity!"

"But if everyone else is saved from your tyranny... I will accept it."

"Ha! So you think you're some noble hero for sacrificing your very existence to save everyone else?" The abberation's tendrils penetrated Gendo's body, stimulating every nerve he had into unimaginable agony. "But you've only prolonged their lives for a short time. Soon they will be brought into my embrace once again... and their suffering will not end."

* * *

><p>Five beings woke up on the wooden deck of a sixth. All around them were the ruined shells of battleships and severed pieces of giant robots, with nary a living soul in sight.<p>

"...uh?" Kens felt slow and heavy as his consciousness returned to his body. "What the heck? I thought I was..."

"No kidding." Fey shook his head, before realizing that he once again had control of his body. "Hey Kens, I thought we were fused together or something? And then we were..."

"Yeah, what was with that explosion or whatever?" Gilgamesh asked. "I don't remember even being hurt by it or anything, even though it looks like it took out the rest of the fleet."

"The Records." Rebecca said. "Ikari managed to complete the Akashic Records by combining you two. But why are we still here? And you two are here too... so did he fail?"

"No, I remember exactly what happened." Hope said. "We were in Heaven, or something like that, but then something happened and we got kicked out. Okay, I don't remember it exactly, but I know that something went very, very wrong."

"I think we should get out of here." Bate said. He turned hard to starboard, showing the five people on him the cause for his urgent tone.

Like a baseball through a window, something had seemingly smashed through the black void of space, leaving a huge jagged hole above them. Beyond it was something that their brains told them they couldn't reasonably comprehend, so they saw it as an endless expanse of black-and-white TV static.

"That can't be good." Fey said. "Yeah, let's get out of here, uh... whoever's piloting this wooden pirate ship in space."

"I'm Bate. Nice to meet you!" Bate said.

"Bate? As in-"

The very fabric of reality seemed to shudder as the eldritch static rippled. The rift in space and time grew ever so slightly, as beings of impossible lengths and widths poured from its maw. Again, the minds of the six heroes, still retaining some mean power from their exposure to the Records, outright refused to let them see the true nature of these entities - instead, they saw them as something very different.

"Robots?" Hope said. "Are you guys seeing robots too?"

"I'm seeing zombies." Fey said.

"I'm seeing us running away as fast as we possibly can." Gilgamesh said. "Hit it, Bate!"

"Aye sir! MAGNA TELEPORT!" Bate attempted to open a portal to another place - anywhere else would be safer than this place at this time - but the portal flickered and died within the span of a few milliseconds. Bate tried again, this time amplified by Rebecca's Falmagic, but the portal was still temporary, and far too small for Bate to fit through.

On the other end of the magical talking boat, Fey, Kens, Hope and Gilgamesh were attempting to hold off the incoming horde of... monsters. Gil and Hope both used sword beams to cut through wide swaths of the monsters, Fey's arms turned silver as he casted high-level light magic, and Kens, with the last of the Great-Lord's body within him, fired beams of nothingness into the swarm.

It soon became clear that their portals would not work, so Bate switched to his status magic, stopping and poisoning tons of monsters (incidentally, he saw them as skeletons dressed in pirate garb). Rebecca's voice powered a barrier around the ship as they charged forward, desperately trying to escape.

"Any other ideas on how to get out of here?" Hope asked.

"If my warp magic's not working, we don't have much of a chance!" Bate said. "And I highly doubt we'll be able to defeat all of these monsters."

"Yeah, they look like the infinitely-respawning type." Fey said. "I suppose I could try to absorb them, but, well... that's kinda how we ended up here in the first place."

"I had to hand in my Brigade communicators when I got kicked out." Gil said. "And I don't think they're even around right now. It looked like pretty much all of our forces were deployed at the battle."

"The Daikaizer was destroyed at Ailma." Kens said.

"And the rest of my allies are nowhere to be seen." Hope said. "Well, I guess we're screwed, guys."

But that didn't mean they were about to go down without a fight. They kept up their attacks, cutting through the monsters that were kept from them only by a thin magical barrier. But Rebecca's voice was starting to falter, and the barrier was flickering on and off...

"Ha ha!"

The surrounding monsters were blown away by a massive wave of dark energy. Floating before them was a thousands-strong armada of monstrous skeletons fitted with mechanical weapons, shields and engines. Standing at the forefront of the armada was the planet Earth, with a continent-sized skeletal castle at the North Pole and a strange glowing dome covering most of Antarctica.

"Hold on!" Fey said. "That voice, it's familiar. It's..."

"That is correct, peons!" the booming voice of King Darkstos Atramentous, leader of the Dark Empire, announced to the cosmos. "My plan to assassinate Gendo in the past failed, but I did not let my time go to waste! I have built a vast intergalactic force of undead to combat the Life Preservation Organization!"

Darkstos himself, standing on the highest balcony of Skull Castle and flanked by four doppelgangers, looked upon the descending horde. To him, they looked like his hated enemies - Bennett White and Gendo Ikari.

"Destroy them all, my lovelies!" Darkstos announced to the fleet. The skeleton ships complied, blindly floating forward and attacking without restraint. The titular main skull of Skull Castle fired a tractor beam at Bate, dragging him and his occupants to the balcony, away from the monsters.

"The LPO's gone." Kens said. "These things are... well, we're not sure."

"I am well aware." Darkstos said. "The dimensional interference caused by that abberation was what allowed me to cross over in the first place."

"And what about the Records?" Hope asked. "Did you get absorbed too?"

"I did indeed. That's what made me aware of my failure in the first place. I was in the process of building a large-scale dimensional gate so that I could invade properly, but I was too late to stop the LPO. So instead, I'll stop these monsters and claim all the credit!"

"That..." Fey sighed in frustration. "You can't be serious about following this guy. He's a monster! Those skeletons out there, you killed them all, didn't you? Not to mention everything you did on Mykodia."

"We don't have much of a choice, you know." Hope pointed out.

"Indeed! And as I recall, you were the one who destroyed not one, but two planets." Darkstos said.

"I was being controlled!" Fey protested.

"Perhaps." Darkstos turned to one of his clones, differentiated from the original only by the red halo above his head. "Is the Geo Cannon ready?"

"Yes sir." the clone said.

"And we're ready to escape at any time." another of the clones, this one with a green halo, said.

"Very good." Darkstos said. "If you're having second thoughts about coming with me, now's the time to leave."

"Well, I'm coming with you at least." Hope said.

"Me too." Kens said.

"You're the former Black, aren't you?" Rebecca said. "On behalf of the Light Brigade, I want to formally apologize for White's behavior."

"Ha! You don't need to apologize to me, girl. I made peace with White long ago."

"I'm with you." Bate said.

"...I guess I'll come with you." Fey muttered.

"Now might be a good time to leave!" Gil said, pointing out the descending monsters.

"Indeed. Initiate the warp!"

Darkstos, the six heroes and what remained of the skeleton armada all warped away, leaving only the weaponized planet as a target for the monsters. But Darkstos' shades were prepared to make their last stand. The top of Skull Castle split apart, revealing a series of cannons wired directly to the Earth's inner core.

"Fire!" one of the doppelgangers ordered. The monsters devoured the doppelgangers and the other staff of Skull Castle, but they were powerless to stop the Geo Cannon. It took in the entirety of the planet's geothermal energy and fired it as a series of energy waves, targetted directly at the open rift.

The monsters tried vainly to stop the Geo Cannon, but their bodies were reduced to ashes by the intense heat radiating from the waves. Only those unlucky enough to be in the direct path of the waves felt the full force of the Geo Cannon, which hit the amorphous mass beyond the rift... and did nothing.

The Earth, reduced to a dying husk of rock and metal, was quickly devoured by the remaining monsters. It had long since been cleared of life and energy, but they still consumed everything bigger than an atom. The rift shuddered again, growing ever larger; even a weapon such as the Geo Cannon couldn't slow it down. Indeed, it was doubtful that any weapon could permanently stop it.


	25. Rossum Ex Machina

Within the black depths of outer space, far away from the rift created by the collapse of the Akashic Records, lied a rather unusual object. Were one to observe this object from a few hundred thousand light-years away, they might confuse it for a galaxy, and indeed it had the slightest resemblance to a galaxy: the outer rim was glowing white, made of starstuff and nebulae, rotating around a luminous inner core.

But that was where the resemblance ended. The second-most notable feature about the object was the three dozen metallic spokes connecting the outer rim to the inner core, like some sort of cosmic wheel. Between and within the spokes were the husks of burnt-out stars and billions upon billions of starships, construction yards and planets of various sizes.

Two space stations, large enough to be visible from the hypothetical observer's position, sat at either pole of the inner core. Both stations projected a thin translucent sheet across the entire galaxy, from the center to the rim, both protecting its contents as well as serving as the equivalent of an electrical grid to the myriad installations within.

This was the Heart of Machines, the main base of a group known as the Great Machine Force. Said force's mission at its outset was to serve as a multiversal police force, protecting it from any threat that might threaten the stability of the already-fragile multiverse. That was the plan. But they had not had to involve themselves in any serious conflict for a very, very long time.

Not since the end of the last universe, an event that they had failed to stop.

In the very center of the inner core, rather than thousands of stars or a supermassive black hole, lied another artificial space station, surrounded by hundreds of Neptune-sized objects that could only be charitably called "ships". And at the center of that station was the seat of power of the GMF, and its leader: Rossum, the self-titled Machine-King.

"The reports are here, sir."

A simple spider-like robot with a humanoid head gingerly stepped into Rossum's Throne, a large room with viewscreens on nearly every surface. In the middle of the room, suspended by two massive cables attached to the ceiling and floor, was a glass tank containing a green sphere covered in dozens of wriggling black tentacles.

Rossum the Machine-King had been called "an evil watermelon" in the past, and he supposed that it was not an inaccurate title. He was somewhat plantlike in nature, able to support himself with little more than water and light, but his simple body belied an incredible intelligence and a cunning mind. He had started the GMF with a set of powered armour, and it had eventually led to this, the most powerful force in the multiverse... at least, they had been the most powerful. But now?

"What is it?" Rossum asked. Every viewscreen in his Throne was trained on the massive rift near the center of the universe.

"We believe that this rift was caused in some part by Gendo Ikari and the Life Preservation Organization." the spiderbot said.

"As I suspected." Rossum had the vaguest recollection of a perfect white void, surrounded by all the information in the multiverse, but he had passed it off as a dream... "Have you been able to locate Ikari?"

"No sir. He has completely vanished from the multiverse."

"What about his Archetypes?"

"We detected two Greater Archetypes near the rift for some times, but they have left with a dimensional interloper calling himself Darkstos Atramentous. We have dispatched a Dredge unit to their current location. The other Greater we detected has also vanished along with Ikari."

"Indeed." So there were still two Greaters at large? But if Ikari had been successful in completing the Records, as Rossum suspected he had, why were there still Archetypes running around? They should have been permanently absorbed into the Records once their mission was complete... then again, if this rift was caused by the collapse of the Records, it was certainly possible that they had escaped somehow. "What about Sponby or the Void?"

"The Void... has vanished without a trace." the spiderbot said.

Yes, that confirmed it. The Void, the remnant of the entity who had destroyed the previous universe, contained the lion's share of said previous universe's energy. Rossum and the GMF had been trying to find a way to either liberate or destroy that energy, but they had been largely unsuccessful. To think that a single man managed to succeed...

"Wait." Rossum wriggled within his glass tank, and around half of the viewscreens within the Throne switched to various angles of the Heart of Machines. "Send a transmission to our coordinates on brane 3^11^20^10."

"Yes sir." The spiderbot saluted and clanked off. The images of the Heart of Machines all differed slightly from the version Rossum controlled; they had differing numbers of spokes, or they were larger or smaller, or any number of other details that only its creator would notice.

Rossum wriggled again, and one of the viewscreens of the alternate-universe Heart of Machines switched to an outside view of a purple-and-red spaceship within a thick nebula. A viewscreen adjacent to it switched to an inside view of the Exceliator's bridge, which was empty.

"THIS IS THE OLYMPUS SHIP EXCELIATOR." a robotic voice announced. "IDENTIFY YOURSELF."

"I am Rossum the Machine-King, leader of the Great Machine Force." Rossum said. "You're one of the BURTON copies, aren't you?"

"NEGATIVE. I AM DRAGON FOUR, CURRENT COMMANDING OFFICER OF THE EXCELIATOR. WHY HAVE YOU CONTACTED ME, ROSSUM THE MACHINE-KING?"

"I am looking for the other leaders of Olympus. Where are they? Are they not on the Exceliator?"

"NEGATIVE. THEY HAVE BEEN CALLED AWAY FOR THE MOMENT, AND I DO NOT KNOW WHEN THEY WILL RETURN. I WILL TAKE A MESSAGE IF YOU WISH."

"You can't tell me where they went?" Rossum was clearly irritated, though he didn't think that the AI could differentiate between emotions.

"I CANNOT." Dragon Four said.

"Very well. When they return, tell them to contact me immediately."

"AFFIRMATIVE." Dragon Four disconnected, and the two viewscreens blipped off. Rossum replaced them with more views of the rift, which he noticed had slightly grown in a couple of minutes. Uncountable monsters, seen by Rossum as vague humanoid sillhouettes made of inky black fluid, swarmed around the event horizon of the rift like angry bees.

Rossum was, in fact, a member of the loose organization known as Olympus, though he had taken conscious steps to distance himself from the others. He maintained a working relationship with BURTON, the AI created by Sponby in the previous universe, who had survived by transfering himself to the Exceliator when shit started going down.

And that was what tied Olympus together: the five of them were the survivors of the previous universe. In his case, he'd managed to hang on to a semblance of consciousness within the Great-Lord's body thanks to certain defenses on the Rossum Ex Machina, his personal ship. When his mind ascended, the one known as the Genius rescued him along with BURTON and the other two, and together, they were able to liberate some energy from the newly-christened Void and restart the multiverse...

Contacting the other members of Olympus was merely a courtesy, not a necessity - the GMF was more than capable of looking after itself. Rossum pressed a few of his tentacles against the top of the glass tank, transfering his consciousness to the main Heart of Machines network. He liked spending some time in his physical body now and again for a bit of perspective; after all, no matter how many machines he had under his control, he was just "an evil watermelon". But now, it was time to work.

He started off by contacting five of his most powerful ships, the Dei Est Machina-class. Each ship, roughly the size of the planet Neptune, was powerful enough to annihilate most other fleets on its own - and Rossum had around a thousand under his control. Not that they saw much use, but since... well, he felt safer with them around.

Rather than just sending them off to the rift, Rossum assumed direct control of the group. A small part of the electrical grid surrounding the Heart of Machines opened, and the five ships slowly but deliberately chugged through the opening. Once they were clear of the barrier, the lead ship's engines, powered by a combination of organic, technological and magical components, tore a hole in spacetime to the general location of the rift.

Bad idea. The monsters almost immediately noticed the portal and made a beeline toward it. But the lumbering Dei Est Machina were packed to the brim with weapons of all types; the lead ship opened its secondary weapon ports, consisting of high-energy lasers, piercing missiles and photon torpedoes, and opened fire. Wave upon wave of monsters were shredded by lasers or blown up by the missiles and torpedoes, but the horde seemed limitless...

"Well then, time to get serious." Rossum said. Another hole opened in the thin barrier around the Heart of Machines, and a mixed fleet of Super Exadians, Leviahamuts and Rune Dragons flew through. The latter ships were a relatively new addition, and untested in combat; this was hardly the right battle to test them, but it would have to do.

The Rune Dragons darted between the much larger Super Exadians and Leviahamuts, casting spells that buffed their shields, speed and weapon strength. The speed increase was most notable on the Dei Est Machina, turning the hulking walls into surprisingly quick bruisers. The portal had been forcefully widened by the monsters, but the Dei Est Machina's weapons, buffed by the Rune Dragons, kept them from crossing into GMF territory.

They were a diversion at best. Rossum had no time to sit idly and research the rift and the monsters, but if his suspicions about the Akashic Records were correct, no number of ships would be able to stop it. But he was prepared for such an occurrance... he just needed some more time.

Several AIs within the Heart of Machines networks notified Rossum that the warp preparations were ready. "Very well then." Rossum said. "Initiate the full teleport."

The portal exploded outwards, swallowing the entire galaxy-sized GMF headquarters and transporting it and its fleet directly to the rift. The rest of the GMF's ships were mobilized, adding roughly one and a half billion more ships to the fray; the monsters far, far outnumbered them, but they lacked any real means to actually damage his ships, much less destroy them. Even still, it was only a matter of time until the ships ran out of energy, so there was still a time limit.

The glowing outer rim of the Heart of Machines went dim as every last photon flowed down the spokes, into the glowing inner core. The two space stations at either pole of the core shifted to the side as the core opened up, revealing a wide array of lenses and cylindrical cannons.

"Force Beam energized!" one AI announced.

"Maximum Charge!" another said. The Breaker Array, empowered by the entire energy output of the Heart of Machines, flashed a brilliant white.

"NOW!" Rossum ordered. "FIRE THE BREAKER!"

The entire structure shuddered as the Breaker Array fired millions of impossibly-white energy beams, vaporizing billions of monsters (but conveniently not affecting the GMF ships). The beams themselves pierced through the event horizon of the rift; reality itself seemed to almost scream in pain as the rift shrunk, damaged by the incredible power of the Breaker Beams.

"We're picking up a 20% size decrease in the rift!" an AI said. "21%! 24%! 29%!"

But a shield of pure light, brighter even than the Breakers, appeared around the rift. The beams failed to pierce it; Rossum increased the output of the Breaker Array, but the extra firepower melted the array into slag, making it unusable. It had taken several hundred years to build that weapon, and it would likely take even longer to repair it in its current condition, not to mention that the Heart of Machines had used up pretty much all of its energy. And they had damaged the rift, but they had failed to destroy it.

Rossum had suspected as much, but he was still upset that the Breaker Array had failed. He'd made it specifically to destroy a being at Sponby levels of power, but this rift, and whatever was within it, was even more powerful than that. The thought of a being as powerful as that frightened him. He was aware of the Great-Lord's battle against his opposite, the battle that had destroyed and rebooted the multiverse... and it seemed that, once again, whatever this rift was would eventually do the same.

So be it. If the universe was once again destined to die, the GMF was powerless to stop it. But they would not go quietly into the night. They would fight tooth and nail to save their universe, until the last ship was reduced to scrap. Rossum sent out a general order to his fleet.

"Attack."

Rossum still had one weapon that might be able to pierce the light shield surrounding the rift. In order to use it, he would have to irreversibly cripple the Heart of Machines and tens of thousands of his ships. But it was the only way. If they were successful, they would be able to eventually rebuild the Heart of Machines and the missing ships: if they were unsuccessful, they would die anyways, so it was worth a shot.

"Execute Pattern Thirty-Six Twelve Seven Mu." Rossum said. The spokes and outer rim of the Heart of Machines retracted into the dim inner core, which transformed into an incomplete mass of metal and flesh. Thousands of organic tentacles and metallic wires shot out of the mass, spearing nearby ships and drawing them into the mass, where they were disassembled and added to its shape.

The monsters were starting to get their act together. They were specifically clogging up the ships' weapon ports, forcing them to overcharge their weapons to clear them out. They still had plenty of energy left, but their stocks were slowly dwindling...

...but the completion of the Neo Rossum Ex Machina served as a ray of hope in the endless battle. He disliked relying on Spiral tech to get him through battles, but the newly-formed humanoid shape of the Heart of Machines would generate it in excess.

"Conversion complete!" the AIs announced. "Spiral Energy Conversion reactors online! Weapon systems online! Shields and regeneration online!"

"Excellent." Rossum said. He held up his left arm and pumped energy into it, forming a huge drill over it; he was unused both to controlling a humanoid form and using Spiral energy, but his AIs were dutifully covering the gaps. "New orders. All GMF ships, retreat behind the Neo Rossum Ex Machina and hold your fire."

"Sir!" The spiderbot from before contacted Rossum. "We've received word back from the alternate GMFs!"

Around a dozen dimensional holes were opened at various points around the rift, and billions of ships and a couple of other versions of the Heart of Machines floated through them.

"Hello, fellow Rossum!" one of the Rossums said. "It seems that this rift has at least done one good thing, hmm?"

"Indeed!" Rossum said. "Do you have Breaker Arrays installed as well?"

"I do!" another of the alternate Rossums said. One of the alternate Heart of Machines, this one with six dozen spokes, charged up and fired its own Breaker Array at the light shield surrounding the rift. The other alternate Heart of Machines lacked a proper Breaker Array, but it instead fired huge amounts of energy in concentrated explosive bursts.

The two alternate Heart of Machines' assault was enough to force the shield open. The NReM took its chance...

"NEO! GIGA! DRILL! BREAKER!" The NReM, empowered by incredible quantities of Spiral energy, flew forward drill-first at the rift. Billions of demons and most of the remaining GMF ships were destroyed, but Rossum wasn't concerned; most of his ships were remote-controlled anyways, and the ones that weren't were not involved in this particular battle. The light shield appeared again, but the Neo Giga Drill Breaker shattered it like glass and kept on going, crossing the event horizon.

Rossum's mind was overwhelmed by a cruel, omnipresent voice. "So, Rossum the self-proclaimed Machine King! I laugh at your title."

"Laugh all you want!" Rossum said. "I'll gladly show you why the GMF is the most feared force in the cosmos!"

Rossum screamed in anger and determination as the Neo Giga Drill Breaker cut through the static, revealing the two inhabitants of the rift: Gendo Ikari, suspended in darkness, and an entity that could not be adequately described. Even beholding it for a moment was enough to reduce Rossum's mind, along with the minds of his AIs and indeed the entire network of the Heart of Machines, to gibbering mush. But even as the Neo Rossum Ex Machina was absorbed and dissected by the being who called itself God, it still did significant damage to it.

The alternate GMFs switched tactics. The rift had been reduced in size by about 65%, which was enough for them to place as many protective measures on the rift as they could - sealing spells, physical barriers, forcefields, energy-draining space leeches, and dozens more. It was a temporary solution at best, but it would give them the time to investigate it further.

* * *

><p>Rossum's main body and mind had been destroyed in the attack, but he was far from dead. He woke up in an alternate body far from the rift.<p>

"ARE YOU AWAKE, MASTER?" a Dredge unit asked. Rossum, once again in a copy of his "evil watermelon" body in a glass tank, slowly returned to consciousness.

"...Yes. Where am I?" Rossum asked.

"OUTPOST 34190, NEAR THE FORMER LOCATION OF DECORDIA." Dredge said. "WE HAVE DISPATCHED A MESSENGER TO THE ONE NAMED DARKSTOS. WE ARE WAITING FOR ITS RETURN."

"I see." Rossum said. "How about the rift?"

"IT HAS BEEN SEALED BY UNKNOWN MEANS." Dredge said. "BASED ON SCANS, WE BELIEVE IT WAS THE ALTERNATE GMF FORCES. BUT WE DO NOT KNOW HOW LONG THE SEALS WILL LAST."

"That's fine. We just need to buy enough time to learn how to deal with it." Rossum said. So the proper multiverse was back; that would likely be the deciding factor in this conflict. Surely there was a way to stop that rift somewhere out there... they just needed the time to find it.


	26. Olympus

"Ehehehehehehehe! SCIENCE!" Miles Antwiler, better known as Doctor Insano (it's a long story), giggled as he put the finishing touches on the vehicle before him. It was meant to be a ship capable of intergalactic travel... but it looked more like an RV, though with two turbines on the back end in place of wheels.

"Are you done yet?" Ganondorf asked. He had long since lost his composure; this madman was wrapped up in his little project, despite the fact that they were running on borrowed time. Ikari's plans were reaching fruition, and all that Insano could think about was tinkering with some machine? Ganondorf had attempted to... aggressively persuade him about the urgency of the situation, but Insano was more powerful than his meager frame implied; he had been able to easily repel even the great King of Evil.

At the moment, Ganondorf was sitting on the ruins of what he presumed was formerly a car, somewhere in a ruined city on a ruined planet in the middle of nowhere, space. The point was, there were ruins, and lots of them. The good Doctor had insisted on this specific planet, called "Urth" or something like it, but they had arrived to see that someone or something had killed all of its inhabitants.

"Silence! You do not interrupt science!" Insano said. "But fortunately for you, I am done!" Insano stepped back, proudly admiring his work. "We will be able to use this to get to Olympus!"

"What the hell is Olympus?" Ganondorf asked. "And why did you waste our time with this contraption? I am fully capable of transporting us, just like I did when we CAME TO THIS FORSAKEN PLANET IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

Enough of this. Ganondorf held up his mechanical right arm, and the three golden triangles of the Triforce shined on the back of his hand. An aura of dark energy surrounded him, but the divine light gave it form, transforming it into a gigantic boar-like beast with a long dingy red mane. But his wounds transferred even to his Ganon form, as it lacked three of its four legs and had a gaping hole in its chest. Ganon roared pathetically as it used its remaining foreleg to drag itself toward Insano.

"Weak!" Insano pulled out a simple little gray box with a big red button on it, and he pressed the button with a big ol' grin. The only visible effect of the device was that the color in the surrounding area was slightly washed out, but it nonetheless forced Ganon back into his humanoid form.

"You!" Ganondorf again tried to attack Insano, but the transformation had destroyed his replacement limbs, leaving him a triple-amputee with a sucking chest wound. But he still had magic. He tried to conjure some of his trademark glowing spheres and throw them at Insano, but he couldn't even bring up one.

"Ehehehe! My anti-magic field generator has proven quite useful!" Insano said. "Now then, shall we stop trying to kill one another? I still have need of your services."

"I have no arms." Ganondorf said. "I can barely help myself without those metal limbs, much less you."

"Please. Artificial limbs? I could make those in my sleep!" Insano turned off the anti-magic field generator. "But we've got to get going. Come on, levitate your useless ass into the Space RV and I'll whip something up."

"Bad idea." With the anti-magic field down, Ganondorf was able to use his magic once more. A brilliant sphere appeared above his head, which he telekinetically threw at Insano... who simply activated the anti-magic field again, dissipating the sphere.

"Are you going to keep doing that?" Insano asked. "Because we really don't have time. The LPO's getting close to completing the Records!"

Insano ran into the Space RV, ignoring the seething Ganondorf just outside. The anti-magic field was disabled once again, but Ganondorf supressed his homicidal rage just enough to board the vehicle without blowing it up first.

"So you've come? Good!" Insano said as he started up the Space RV. "And... liftoff!"

The turbines on the Space RV screamed as the whole vehicle shook. The dingy, cloudy sky soon gave way to the peaceful void of space; Ganondorf looked outside to see the pale white moon below them.

"Okay there, magic boy." Insano said. He pointed at the moon. "I need you to break the seal on that thing."

"It is non-magical." Ganondorf stated. He had extensive knowledge with magic of all types, and this moon was no more magical than a clod of dirt.

"You're right, but only technically. There's a magical being, a really strong one, sealed within it through technological means." Insano said. "What I'm saying is, I want you to blow it up."

"You should've said that in the first place." Ganondorf grinned as he flung open the door to the Space RV, and both he and Insano were sucked out of the interior. The emptiness of space had never bothered him; in fact, he quite liked it. But after his experience in the Void, this was nothing.

The golden triangles of the Triforce appeared behind Ganondorf. When he had originally claimed it, he had only gained one of its three pieces, the Triforce of Power; the wielders of the other two pieces had thrown him into the Sacred Realm and sealed his power away, because they were too weak to properly kill him. The seal only held for a few decades, but when he had escaped, the gods themselves intervened, drowning the land of Hyrule in a watery grave.

But he was not stopped, even by that accursed ocean. He made his way to the surface, and hunted down the reincarnations of the two "heroes" who fought him all those years ago. But they both came to him, and they challenged him to a duel in one last attempt by the gods to stop him... but they failed. He took their Triforces and established dominion over not just Hyrule, but the entire world.

It took many years, but he eventually grew bored with ruling the world under an iron fist. It was around then that Sephiroth appeared to him, telling him of his organziation, the Legion. He was all too happy to have something to do besides killing stupid self-proclaimed heroes and sending his hordes of monsters to terrify an uppity village; of course, he was less than pleased to have to work underneath another being stronger than him, but he planned on usurping Sephiroth eventually.

"Stop expositing to yourself and get a move on!" Insano said. There was just enough of an atmosphere for Ganondorf to hear his words, but he got the feeling that he would have heard Insano regardless. The Triforce's radiant light brought him to full power, giving him an aura of divine light that replaced his missing arm and leg in function, if not form.

One advantage of joining the Legion was that Ganondorf had learned several techniques and spells that he would not have otherwise. He decided to use one of them to eliminate the Moon; Ganondorf held up his glowing right arm, and a small sphere of orange-yellow energy appeared on the tip of his index finger.

"Wait a minute, is that-"

"Indeed it is." Ganondorf's energy flowed into the Death Ball, and it rapidly expanded to the size of a large asteroid. He threw the sphere directly at the Moon, and it did its job, reducing the Moon to tiny bits of rubble in barely a minute.

"Well... that'll do." Insano said. He took out another gadget (seemingly from nowhere), a rifle-like contraption with a huge piston positioned right above the end of the barrel. He flipped a switch on the side, and the piston began to thrust up and down, firing bolts of pure energy from the barrel into the empty space formerly occupied by the Moon.

"What in the world is that?" Ganondorf asked.

"It's called the First Law Violator!" Insano said proudly. "It violates the laws of physics and produces free energy! I planned on using it to solve my homeworld's energy crisis and make them all bow down to me, but then that damned Linkara interfered with one of my experiments, and I had to go on the run... Bah!"

One of the energy bolts from the First Law Violator hit a seemingly-invisible wall, shorting out the force field surrounding a gigantic golden-white egg-shaped thing. Ganondorf registered a huge amount of magic power coming from the egg, which only increased as cracks appeared on its "shell".

"Behold! I have unleashed Qul the Heaven God!" Insano yelled. The eggshell shattered, and a golden-white dragon emerged from it. He dwarfed Insano and Ganondorf, the Space RV and even the Earth itself as he unfurled his wings and screeched to the cosmos, announcing his return.

"Who has unsealed me?" Qul the Heaven God asked, its voice somewhat rusty after not being used for more than 20 billion years but still fitting for a giant golden space dragon.

"I have!" Insano said. "I am Insano the Genius, Hero of the Second Iteration! I have summoned you back to the material plane in exchange for a boon!"

"Speak it." Qul said, sounding somewhat annoyed.

"The man known as Gendo Ikari is nearing completion of the Akashic Records, and the Primal Chaos that lies within it struggles against its bond. Can you not feel it?"

"You are further behind the times than even I, Insano the Genius. The being you call 'Primal Chaos' has also returned to the material plane."

Insano went pale, shocked by this news. Ganondorf was more confused than anything.

"So Ikari has completed the Records already? Then what of this? Are we still not in the same universe?"

"You are, dark one." Qul said. "Are you familiar with the Iterations?"

"We don't have time for more exposition!" Insano shrieked. "Qul the Heaven God, this is the boon I ask you. Will you ally us and help to stop the Primal Chaos?"

"I will." Qul said.

"Good, then let's get going! We've gotta meet up with Olympus before it's too late!"

Insano and Ganondorf floated back to the open door of the Space RV; Qul shrunk down to the size and shape of a man and entered the vehicle as well, which blasted off into the stars.

* * *

><p>"So this is the Third Iteration, then?" Ganondorf asked.<p>

"Yes and no." Qul said. "We do not know how many times the universe has collapsed and been reborn, but the creator of me and my brother was himself created two iterations ago, and I was born in the previous iteration; hence, I have termed them the First, Second and Third Iterations for convenience."

"See, the thing is, the universe shouldn't naturally collapse and be reborn." Insano said.

"Why not? Does time not flow in cycles?" Ganondorf said.

"It does, but only because someone messed with the natural order." Qul said. "The death of the universe should either have come in the form of the Rip, where the universe is stretched so far that matter cannot form, or in the form of Heat Death, where entropy floods the universe and makes basic reactions impossible."

"Somewhere, way in the past, some guy saw those coming and decided to fix it... somehow. We don't know how, but as a result, a Crunch occurred, where the universe collapsed into a singularity and was reborn." Insano said. "But two flaws came up. First off, the resulting Big Bang created a very, hmm... 'close' multiverse, making travel between differing universes much easier. Second, the entity known as Primal Chaos was born."

"Essentially, Primal Chaos is the representation of the death that should have come. It's a flaw in the universe, and somewhere along the line, it gained intelligence." Qul said. "But again, we don't know how, but someone managed to seal it by destroying several universes via a paradox. It was trapped in non-time and non-space, sealed away for all eternity even through many Iterations, but it still survived."

"But each Iteration weakened its seal a bit more." Insano said. "With each collapse and rebirth, more and more energy was absorbed into the paradox. Primal Chaos was able to use this to create the Akashic Records and the Archetypes tied to it. The only way to break its seal was to complete the Records, giving it enough energy to essentially brute-force its way out."

"I find myself not caring about the precise nature of this entity." Ganondorf said. "What does matter is: can we permanently kill it?"

"Dunno." Insano shrugged. "I'm really hoping Olympus has an answer to that particular question."

"Then tell me, who is Olympus?" Ganondorf asked. That particular question had been eating at his mind for some time now.

"More like what." Insano said. "Olympus is a group of five people who survived through the previous Iteration. It consists of me, Rossum the Machine-King, an AI named BURTON, and two others... including your brother, Qul."

"Indeed?" Qul said. "I am disappointed to hear that he survived."

"Well, he's bonded with the other two, if that makes it any better." Insano said.

"I thought that Olympus was one person?" Ganondorf said. "That is what that Madeness woman said."

"Pff! She's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed." Insano scoffed. "Then again, that might be my fault. Me and the rest of Olympus aren't exactly on the best of terms, and I might have directed more than a few profanities at Rossum in particular."

"We're here."

The Space RV came to a stop in a negatively-colored void, with white space and over an orange-purple planet. Hovering over it was another red-and-purple spaceship.

"Who're you?" a male voice asked.

"Ehehehehe!" Insano cackled. "I'm back, Phelan!"

"Oh great, it's you." Phelous said. "And you've got the Heaven God and the King of Evil with you. I'd question exactly how this happened, but I think I'm better off not knowing."

The Super Exceliator's tractor beams drew the Space RV into its cargo hold. The three occupants of said RV were teleported to the Super Exceliator's briefing roo; waiting for them was the other two members of Olympus, Phelous and Obscurus Lupa, as well as a golden-white horse-like being.

"Feiz." Qul said.

"Qul." Feiz the Earth God said. Even the lack of faces on the two golden beings could not hide their hatred for one another. What had started, so many years and a previous universe ago, as a simple sibling rivalry had long since escalated past the point that they could barely stand in the same room without trying to violently kill one another.

"Oh good, the family's reunited!" Lupa said cheerfully. "Uh, sorry for trying to kill you last time, Qul."

"For the moment, I will work with you for a greater cause." Qul said. "But once we have saved the universe, I will not hesitate to kill you."

"Stop being a drama queen, Qul." Feiz said. "So hey, you in the dark armour, you're from the Legion, right?"

"That is correct." Ganondorf said. "Time is running out, and I do not care to learn your names. Is it possible to destroy the Primal Chaos?"

"You betcha!" The viewscreen behind Lupa displayed the rift, which was trapped behind a semitransparent barrier and surrounded by GMF forces. "The GMF's got it under control for now, but it's only a matter of time before it breaks out. In the meantime, we've got almost all the elements we need to fight back."

"The gods of Earth and Heaven, of the Triforce and the God Mode Sue, and the remaining power of the two previous destroyers of the universe." Phelous said. "It's almost like narrative casuality's not-so-subtly guiding us into resolving the plot."

"Oh Phelous, you so crazy." Lupa said. "Okay, the important thing is, we can't actually kill Primal Chaos. The best we can do is diminish it to a state where we can reimprison it by creating a time paradox."

"A... time paradox?" Ganondorf said. "How about would we do that?"

"It's pretty simple, actually." Feiz said. "We travel back in time with the TARDIS, damage Chaos a bit, then destroy the universe. And since we're going back in time, that'll invalidate the timeline and trap Chaos in a state of non-space and non-time."

"Or we could go back a bit further and kill Gendo Ikari." Phelous pointed out. "Oh wait, that won't work, since that Darkstos guy tried that and he just ended up in an alternate universe, so our plan shouldn't work at all."

"Wibbley-wobbley, timey-wimey..." Insano said while wiggling his fingers. "But really, we don't have any other choice. Isn't trying and failing better than not trying at all?"

"The important thing is, we're pretty much the only ones who can do anything." Lupa said. "And once we're done, we can go back to killing each other or whatever. Until then, I'm taking charge!"

The Super Exceliator creaked and whined as its engines started up for the first time in millenia. It had made a home in a pocket dimension after the incident with the evil noodles, though Phelous and Lupa had continued to travel around the universe in the auxiliary Exceliators; but now, with the universe in danger once again, it was time to take the last bit of Second Iteration technology and use it to save everyone once again.


End file.
